Hi folks, been lurking and reading for a week and finally needing to reach out for advice and support.
Me 35, Her 34, D7, S5, T18, M10 Wife had EA Oct 12, after discovery things improved for a couple of years, then slowly soured. I felt I couldn't trust her and she was being secretive and giving all signs of being in an A. ILLBINILWY Jan 15, this knocked me for six, no idea what to do or where to turn, didn't help I'd been withdrawing and not getting involved as much as I should have. W family v enmeshed/controlling and she had v little time for me. BD Aug 16, again shellshocked but with hindsight I should have seen it coming. W moved out with kids Sep 15. Currently I am getting IC, and we are both in MC, but W says she does not want to R. Getting scared of D and effect on D&S. I know I need to get less emotionally involved and try and move on. Looking for advice on how to do this the DB way - would be disappointed to muck things up even though current outlook is bleak.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I suppose I'm looking for a strategy to help me, I'm unsure if I have a WW or WAW. Mothers day is also approaching, and I have kids that day - expecting to be asked to involve W that day and wondering what is best.
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
Previous to EA our M was good, since having kids MIL and FIL have been v intrusive (IMO), and although W acknowledges this she will not say or do anythign about it. Currently I am in the MH, W in same town, I am not funding anything for her. Both of us getting on as well as ever, she has noticed positive changes in me, and is saying what a good father I now am, but W has also stated several times in MC she does not want to R. I've been pouring all my effort into saving this and basically don't know what to do now. Mentally I cannot continue to keep putting in what I am atm. I want to detach in a positive way without jeopardising any small chance of an R.
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
I have read the link cadet has provided (thanks) but still need some advice on how to treat my situation. I have been trying to salvage things by myself up to now and have been doing many of the DB things already, but there has not been much change in W attitude to R. I most want to know if I have a WW or WAW - she did say when moving out that she had bottled things up for years and was done, needing space and didn't know what she wanted. There are aspects to what she says that have led friends and family to say she is having a MLC but I do know that I played my part in her getting to this stage. Because kids are involved we are in contact every few days for handovers, looking for advice on what strategy to pursue based on my situation. Looking forwards to replies
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I will say that I too am very 'inpatient'. Kind of like..."I'm busting my tail over here, trying to improve who I am for our R. I'm reading books, I'm going to the gym, I'm posting to online forums looking for wisdom"....so WHY isn't it making a difference in HER?
Well the truth is...you CAN'T make a difference in her. The sooner you can fully internalize that...work on yourself, etc...it will start to put you in a better place. I am only at beginning stages...but it can be very liberating when you realize that no matter if your W is a WW, or a WAW...she is responsible for that. You have to 'own' your issues in the relationship...and work on improving you. She has to 'own' her part...and improve her.
Toughest and most valuable lesson I've learned so far. I can't FIX my W. But...I CAN fix me.
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
I suppose what I'm asking is if anyone can help me determine if it is a WW, WAW or MLC as I have read they are approached slightly differently.
I also want to know how much to detach, I can't go completely dark due to kids, so do I become neighbourly, or will this do more damage if I have pigeonholed her wrongly (i.e think MLC but actually WAW?)
What about "family" days with kids, I want to make certain I'm approaching things properly. Up to now we have both been making an effort on days out for the kids so things are normal for them. Should this continue or due I pull back and refuse to share "my" time with teh kids with her?
The reason I'm uncertain is probably because I previously withdrew due in response to overbearing MIL and FIL, so not sure if this is "more of the same" or a 180 I need to do.
Finally what about in MC, I know I have to listen and acknowledge what she says but I feel the counsellor is trying to moves things on to a place I don't want to go (maybe D?). Do I put the brakes on this? Or do I ensure I get everything off my chest? In essence how to I DB in MC?
Thanks to everyone out there so far, it's a lonely place, and I'm moving on with GAL as best I can.
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
