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Joined: Jun 2015
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I think maybe this is the right forum. Not sure.

My wife cheated. Multiple online profiles. EA, PA, you name it. It was at the end of a marriage that had been on life support for years. I expended untold blood and treasure for 7 months working to save our marriage. We were on the brink of reconciliation when I discovered more online activity. That was the last straw. I told her I'm done. I want a divorce. I have not yet filed.

I went dark. I completely cut loose. Changed my hair, grew a beard, and yes, started looking outside for companionship. SHE IS AWARE OF THIS. For the whole 7 months I was trying, I was a choirboy. She continued her activity. I always resented the double standard. Now, I refuse to lie. I have claimed all the same rights that she claimed.

Like a moth to a flame WAW wife is now begging me to stay and work on the marriage. Our roles are fully reversed. I find myself in the grip of all the anger over her betrayals that I suppressed while I tried to save my marriage. I don't feel anything. I am capable of treating her in such a cold manner. Her tears and protestations enrage me."WHY? Where is this coming from?" As though the past 7 months of her cheating and lying never happened. WHERE WAS THIS WHEN I WAS STRUGGLING AND CRYING AND PRAYING TO GOD TO SAVE MY FAMILY?? And she is here now? After tearing me to pieces emotionally for months, she is suddenly ready to get in counseling right away. Wants me to call into work tomorrow.
I am finally able to let go and be free of this, and she is begging me to stay and work on the marriage "for the kids".
For the kids... I do want them to be happy.

But, I feel nothing. How do I pick up the rope when I do not care? Should I just take this opening and get the hell away from here???

Or, do I pick up the rope?


Me: 39
W: 38
T-18yrs M-13yrs
2 Girls: 10 & 3
EA BD 5/24/15
Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15
PA BD 7/3/15
Separate Residence 8/8/15
Joined: Sep 2015
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It's funny how that works, isn't it? we drop the rope and try to move on with our lives and that's when they want to work on things all of a sudden?

I think it's the same for WAWs and WWs: they see us making the effort and they're like "now he wants to work on the relationship! where was this (insert time)ago!"

You'll get way more traffic if you post in the newcomers section. Hopefully there's some people there that can help you answer the questions you have for yourself.

one thing that really helped me was answering 4 questions for myself:

1) what do you gain by staying in the M

2) what do you gain by leaving?

3) what do you risk by staying in the M?

4) what do you wish by leaving?

answer those questions for yourself honestly and I think that will clear up the picture for you pretty quickly...

Good luck!

Joined: Jan 2016
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Hi Last,

You were kind enough to post on my board, so I wanted to offer my two cents. Also, I don't think your a WAH, just a successful DB'er.

I think that you are in a good place in terms of detachment and should stay that way. Probably not just a temp. check, but listen to the vet's on their thoughts (i am a NOOB). If I were in your situation I would remain detached and have no expectations of anything. I would however be open to counseling and taking things VERY slowly. From reading your sitch i know that you have been through a lot of hurt.

Don't set yourself up for more hurt but if you see genuine regret, repentance and acknowledgment from your WW for her actions and her part of the issues in the M, I think I would be open to try piecing. Time to set some clear boundaries of what you need (maybe reread piecing in DR,too) You have done all the work for your R thus far, Might be time to let her do the work now and just see where things go.

As long as you can remain detached and have no expectations, what do you have to lose?


I like the four questions that were asked of you too.

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hey Last,

Hope your doing ok, bud.

-Cubebot

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Any update Last?


M 43 W 45
M 10.5 T 15
S 26 D 17 (previous relationships)
ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D
Confirm affair 1/10/16
W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
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^^^^^ How are things, Last?

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Still thinking about you my friend. Hope your well.


Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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