Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[peacetoday]

Hi C

I like your attitude
Like that You have a L

I think they do a lot of touch and goes
they are confused by the feeling they still feel for us while at the same time being hooked to ea/lady and some fantasy life
They seem to opt for the most fun way and the new R does offer a bit more freedom and excitement

So I think they will often choose to loose everything to live out the fantasy and perhaps they lie to themselves all along the way
and in the end when the D is done do they really realize what they are losing financially

MY XH lost everything in our D..house, business, kids
I don't think either of us planned on him walking with absolutely nothing except 1/2 his clothes and his car..It just worked that way ..he could not handle the pressure and the losses, most all his choice though, so he left the state with OW..no contact for many years now-
MY situation is probably more rare than some here, but still shows the mind of the MLCer

You sound clear and grounded and you seem like you have a plan
Good luck on this journey

[ciluzen]

Thanks, Peacetoday.

I'm not sure how clear and grounded I am.

Like everyone else here, emotions sometimes sneak up and crash over me, leaving me in a puddle of paralyzing fear, anger or despair. Other days I'm so convinced that I'm detached or hopeful that the changes I see in him are a positive sign that I'm walking on sunshine.

I'm not sure how much H's ladyfriend is an issue anymore. At one point I had chosen to apologize for my behavior to her (sorry for withdrawing at parties and get togethers and making everyone else feel shunned by me) because I felt the need to explain to her that it made me sick to see her having such a great relationship with my H as he was pulling away from me that I had to leave the room/area. I was ready to forgive her for a very specific set of marital boundary crossings, if only to allow myself to move on. But she never apologized. I have been unable to fully forgive her and move on and have realized...its hard to forgive an unapologetic person. She has backed off somewhat, but I've also realized it is in her nature to use her fun personality to use people to get things she otherwise wouldn't be able to get. Right now, she has a large vacation home for her family...mine. She has a boss who lets her run his office even though she's only there as a very part time hourly employee who comes and goes as she pleases. My H's office. But she has, from what I've seen and heard, backed off on the friendship. Well, this kinda turned into a rant. Yep! Haven't forgiven or forgotten. It'll take awhile to make sure that issue isn't taking up so much of my mindspace. I'll get there, though.

And H has pulled back from people outside of work. He really does pretty much work long hours (throw himself into work) and then go ski mostly alone on weekends (his only social life right now). Ski season is almost over, though.

The more I read about MLC, the more I realize he's probably been in one for at least 8 years. I've seen him go through so many stages. My D25 had "hottie Dad" her senior year of highscool, when he lost a ton of weight and started changing his hair, clothing style, taking supplements and hiring a personal trainer, and being the life of the party. That's also when he started treating me like an unwanted growth and hung out more with his friends (including his ladyfriend and her H). They drank and partied a lot on weekends and that hasn't been my scene since college. Before that was a horrible depression which he

Right now, while we're going through D, I'm still DBing somewhat. Not initiating contact, which he's starting to initiate more. Not asking him many questions, but being there to listen and validate when needed. I'm allowing him to see me boxing things up and he has been helping me clean up the property, so he knows I'm preparing to leave this house. I have accepted that the D will go through and tha house will be sold and that I will have to continue to DB from a whole new life. I'm trying to put things together for that next step. I really wonder what's going on within his MLC mind at this point in the game, and how being D will affect everything, which tells me how not detached I am.

[ciluzen]

Oops, never finished that.

Before that was a horrible depression which he was able to only show through his "happy mask" when alone with me after drinking or when tired. It was awful to see, but whenever I tried to talk to him about it, he would cut me off with"I'm fine". God, how I hate that phrase. Its always a lie.

[Butterc]

C, once again I am struck by the similarities in our situations.

I too am finding it very difficult to forgive the unapologetic. My emotions are also all over the place.

And your statement about being non-detached!! H is on my mind constantly. I am DBing majorly and it is keeping him guessing. I'm now the wife who has filed to save herself, that only the fool has left. Being fired as his wife, I have to separate the emotions from the practical and logical. Yes, I wish it could be different.

Sad that he shows no remorse over the disaster he's created.

[Nel]

Like everyone else here, emotions sometimes sneak up and crash over me, leaving me in a puddle of paralyzing fear, anger or despair. Other days I'm so convinced that I'm detached or hopeful that the changes I see in him are a positive sign that I'm walking on sunshine.

This is exactly how I'm feeling. It's such an exhausting rollercoaster of emotions!

I do feel it's a good sign for you that he is initiating contact more. He is so obviously confused and all over the place. When with him, just keep being the woman only a fool would leave. You are really doing a great job, Cil. I'm sure that you feel the same way as me that with the D already in progress-- that the time clock is ticking-- but, there is nothing we can do about it, so I just remind myself to take it one day at a time and don't look too far ahead in the future. You never know what is going to happen, especially when you least expect it.

Nel

[ciluzen]

So, just a journal thing.

My birthday was yesterday (pisces...confused and swimming two different directions at once.)

Got a bday text from H, "Rise, shine and have a Happy Birthday!". I texted back "thank you, you have a nice day yourself".
Got a text 5 minutes later from his ladyfriend wishing me a happy birthday. Still not quite sure what to think of those two. Guess I just shouldn't.

I decided last month to throw myself a bday party. I've never had one since I've been married (went out to dinner as a family), so I decided new me wanted to feel loved by friends and daughters. D25 heard this and decided she would be in charge. She just wanted names of invitees; the rest would be a surprise.

Hmmmm. Much thought went into this.

Of course I'd invite my new close friends. I had to open up to people at work and at meetups to form a quick support group when I realized how alone I was when H left. He was not only my best friend, but my link to my "social group" made up of ladyfriend, her friends, and people in his office (some in our lives for almost 20 years).

I also invited ladies from the office. Three of them have been very supportive of me in a quiet way (made sure I didn't spend holidays alone, asked after me).

I also invited "social group". None of them have asked after me or spoken to me unless I've contacted them, but I felt the need to invite them.

Party was great! Lots of fun. D25 and D23 worked hard to make it nice for me. The only no shows? Social group and ladyfriend. Ladyfriend did send a text saying she couldn't make it and sent a token gift (bud vase)with office ladies.Guilt? But the others proved that they are not worth my time (no RSVPs).

So, thoughts? I came away realizing social group and ladyfriend were never close...could not get past small talk, gossip (which I hate), and surface cordiality no matter how hard I tried. I could never understand why I wasn't experiencing with them what I experienced with my friends I've kept from college. There was no intimacy. If H didn't arrange something, or I didn't throw a party, they would not call me. No intimacy. I don't think H ever has it with them either (maybe ladyfriend, though), but as long as he can have fun with them, maybe its enough for him? Not my problem, though.

It made me lonely to have no intimacy in those "friendships". But til recently, I had him. Maybe that's why he calls to "vent". I don't gossip. But now I listen better. He has started asking me more questions. We used to talk in depth a lot.

My new friends are very supportive of me, of each other. There is an openness. They don't mind intimacy. We ENJOY discussions about the world, our work, religion, differences, acceptance. A few gossip, but not much. When they ask how I'm doing, they mean it. They want to do things with me. This is different. This is what I craved.

In short, this was an eye opener...an epiphany. One of many lately. I'm learning everyday about MLC and relationships, but also a heck of a lot more about me, my needs and what has been missing in my life for far too long.

And I just thought I wanted a birthday party.

[Nel]

Happy Belated Birthday! That is awesome that your daughters planned all that for you!

Excellent self-reflection as well. This is the journey that we are on.

Nel

[Butterc]

Happy Birthday and here's to many more epiphanies!

[melweb]

Happy Birthday Cil. And what a great one it was.
Here's to many more, my friend

[job]

Happy Belated Birthday!