Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[Nel]

Welcome, Cil, to the MLC board...land of the crazies. I love this:

"I guess all I can say during these types of moments is...back to square one...try harder to detach emotionally so that we are not ou of control of ourselves ...make a plan...hope that next time will be another positive interaction due to a lesson learned and greater effort to be that wonderful, strong woman you've been working so hard to find inside you. I am the lighthouse in a sea of crazy...I am the woman only a fool would leave...I am strong, and patient, and very, very kind. And I love my H enough to do this."

I read this several times and it inspires me.

[Butterc]

"What the *&% am I doing? Emotions really mess up our DB efforts."

Me too! I am making a fool of myself with all my emotions. I like your advice/wisdom in sticking to the DB path, even when we get sidetracked and act human. We LBS are needed to encourage each other when we stray off our way and hand each other lifelines to get out of the quagmire.

Thank you so much for sharing

[ciluzen]

H came over today. We had agreed to work on prepping the house and property for sale together, so we worked outside.

It was strange at first. It seems like he has to warm up to me every time we get together. So we worked in almost silence with each other, then started talking a little, then more, then he asked me about a few things I'd been up to, then eye contact...then we were back to our normal flow. So strange. He doesn't seem quite sure how to behave around me. I guess I need to be more consistent with my light and cheerful demeanor so that he can relax?

When we went in, he asked if I was ready to show him how to do taxes, so I got us some beers and snacks and we worked together on them. This prompted a discussion of his worries about money and business. He looked so sad. I listened and really validated. I said, "that must really depress you." Then he really opened up about his worries and stresses. I walked over to give him a side arm hug and rub his back, but he kept talking and was very stiff...not accepting the hug. But a bit later, I offered a big hug as a thank you for working on the yard with me and he accepted it and hugged back.

I'm realizing how much energy he puts into putting on his "mask", smiling and making everyone think he's ok. I know I can't fix him, but I wish I could. All I can do is show him I care, and be here (or wherever I end up) for him when he needs me. He may not feel anything for me right now and I still have to move forward for me, but my door is definitely cracked open. I hope he realizes that.

[ciluzen]

Looking back over yesterday's interaction with H, I realized how much my familiarity with him and my feelings for him really influence me.

I'm in the midst of being D by him and I'm listening to him talk about how he's so stressed about money, possibly not being able to pay taxes, being overworked...and I'm so sad and sorry for him. Then I realize, he has, in the past 8 years, decided to make some very big financial decisions without talking them over with me. We used to discuss all of our big decisions and go over the budgeting and details (I'm very detail oriented, he is "a big picture" guy). But as he pulled away from me and was more influenced by his EA/lady friend, those discussions stopped and his decisions became unilateral.

The purchase of our vacation home really set us back. He came to me with his mind made up, had already discussed it with friends (ladyfriend) who were ready to put money into it, and became angry when I said I wasn't sure it was a good idea. He had final say, though, so here we are. Much of his paycheck stretched to barely cover a home only used once in awhile, no savings due to us putting it down on the home, and an inability to put money away in savings or retirement. A few years back, he was forced to go out on his own to start his own business (unforseen at the time of the vacation home purchase), so a large cut in pay happened, as well. The vacation home was supposed to be an "investment". But when I pushed to have it put on the market, EA/ladyfriend had a fit and so it was taken off. Now he's worried about money because he's overworked and overtired and I'm feeling sorry for him.

He asked me to not spend any money for the next 6 weeks. I guess I need to be a little callous. I gave him an amount that I needed to pay our mortgage and bills that we decided was adequate. I haven't gone over it. I guess I need to just not worry so much about how he feels about a problem that he created. He fired me as a financial advisor. And now he wants me to feel bad for him. I do. But I'm not his problem...he is.

[job]

Do you have a lawyer? If so, you need to be speaking to him/her about what you need in the way of support money to keep the household up and running.

I thought it was absolutely priceless that he would have he nerve to tell you not to spend any money for the next 6 weeks. What's going to change between now and then? You can feel sorry for him, but do not allow this to sway you from what you need to survive. He's put himself in this big, deep financial hole and he can very well dig himself out on his own or w/the "lady friend". Just remember...he fired you from being his wife, lover and financial advisor quite some time ago. His life is no longer your problem...

Definitely seek the counsel of an attorney as soon as possible because it sounds like he's not going to be ensuring you have ample funds to live on if he continues down the road he's on or he's bsing you w/a poor me story. But, the truth needs to come out as to where all of the money is going and what is so special about the 6 week timeframe.

Protect yourself financially.

[ciluzen]

Oh, trust me. I have a lawyer. After H left yesterday, I finished up my financial declaration to prove that the amount we had agreed on was warranted. It will go in today. He wasn't being mean or even serious about the not spending money. He just is feeling stuck. My point is, I agree, he needs to make the connection between his plight and his actions on his own. I will still love him a d be here for him to talk with, but his financ ial woes and depression are not really due to me. Hopefully my L or the .mediator will help him see.

[ciluzen]

The six week time frame is because thats when taxes are due and hes afraid he wont be able to pay them.

[melweb]

Hi Ciluzen. Fancy meeting you here.

I had followed your sitch over in Newcomers. I decided to jump over here myself just this past weekend, as I am now fully convinced of H's MLC and highly suspicious of mid-life EA/PA. I have no 'concrete proof, but I do have a case of missing condoms and missing Cialis. Kind of a smoking gun, don't you think?

I have no wise words as I am walking the path along with you. My H is all over the place too. I like to say his mood swings are giving me whiplash. Hang in there.

PS. I ditto Nel--I love that quote :>

[melweb]

Butterc~~


I LOVE the word 'quagmire.'

[ciluzen]

Hey, Mel!
Sometimes you've just got to move to where you feel you belong.
Missing condoms and Cialis...hmmm. There's a funny joke in there somewhere...

Moving forums hasn't cured my own emotional whiplash. H called me tonight and immediately said "I don't know why I'm calling" and then continued on to have a nice convo. This is the second time he's said that after contacting me. Both times after seeing his L, though today he didn't mention that visit. I'm going to try not to read into this.