Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

Well, ski season is really almost over, lol. Very warm temps for spring break but I might chance the hill midweek. H won't be there due to work, but I will!

I think I just confused him today. Or made him sad or...I don't know.
Sunday is now the day we work on the house and for some reason, he kept saying, "guys really look at the garage" over and over as he worked on the garage. He is and always has been a hard worker so he was really cleaning it. We took two trips to the dump with garage stuff and stuff from our shop. We also went to a ranch store to get supplies to fix up the yard and house. First time in forever that we'd been in the same vehicle. Kind of fun. We laughed a bit about the candy selection and bought some...ate about half of it in the car on the way home.

As he continued to clean the garage, I started the barbecue. Believe it or not, I have very little experience actually using the barbecue...H was always in charge of that. I kept asking him how to do things and told him I needed to be able to learn since he wouldn't be around. He was kind of quiet. I offered him dinner a few times and finally sat down to eat. He was just standing there watching me eat as he was saying goodbye. I asked him if he wanted to take some home and he quietly said no. I made him try some so he took a single bite. Agreed it was good (it was fantastic!). Then he kind of drifted off. He looked sad.

I usually make and offer food if he's here past 6. This is the first time he hasn't taken or shared any. He seemed somewhat reserved and quiet most of the day. I have a lot of boxes packed to clean out our house (I've got a "keep" stack and a "sell or donate" stack in our shop. I kept asking him if he wanted certain things, or if he wanted me to set up things for him (he still has no personal email and a lot of his accounts that I am in charge of now are set up online), mentioned that we needed to discuss what to do with certain items. And again reminded him that it would be nice if he removed his growing pile in the room downstairs before we start showing our house. He just looked sad and kept saying "I understand". I think its starting to feel real to him now.

I'm sure to him it looks like I've moved on and am happy. I have know idea what he's thinking.

[ciluzen]

*no. Not "know". Sheesh.

[melweb]

Lol...where is that dang 'edit' button when you need it?

It sounds like you guys had a pretty good interaction at the store, then reality set in. He had to shift emotions PDQ.

Good luck selling your home. Ours has been on the market for almost a year. This has def added to H"s stress, mostly financial. This move was suppose to for the betterment of all of us. Look how that turned out!!

[ciluzen]

Yeah, I'm crossing my fingers on the house sale. Its large, its out in the boonies (almost), and it is unique. Plusses are that its a popular architect's and it is casual (not over the top extravagant) and it has a killer view.

We still have some big projects (meaning things we do-it-yourselfers aren't comfortable doing) to finish. Those should be done by next week, though. I'm still packing things that I won't be using and also throwing his stuff in a downstairs guest room as I come across it. I've stopped asking him to take it out. I am asking him to look through it...it is not my problem to deal with.

Next project is painting over all of the drywall repairs. We still need to clean up our horse corral, too. A lot to do. Sigh.

At the same time, I'm trying to force myself to remember/retrain myself to do algebra and math. Apparently, in order to apply to the Masters Degree program I'm interested in, there are two prereqs I haven't had. They both have prereqs to get into them, as well. One is college algebra...within the last 5 years. Its been over 25 years since I took it, lol. So now I'm doing online tutoring and testing to see what I know and relearn what I've forgotten. Then maybe I can just test into my prereq. Blah.

H is still being strange (to me). He can't figure out how to treat me, nor I him. We act like a married couple in public, but there is only our "comfortable friendship" at the house. Just getting things done and having coffee. I still wonder what our relationship will be when the D is final?

He seems to have created a boundary for himself of not accepting food from me as much (I always offered when making my own). He does bring me little things like k-cups and fruit from his parents when he comes. His AOS. I thank him when he does this, but I need to get better at validating and WOA.

He is still telling me how hard he works, how tired he is, how he worries about money and is getting more comfortable sharing about his work stories. I think that is a step in the right direction...allowing him to feel listened to. To what end? I don't know.

I still know I love him. I'm still attracted to him. But, and I almost feel guilty for this...I'm slightly excited for my unknown future. I've been exploring neighborhoods and looking at houses and apartments. I'm actually enjoying my freebie online classes (warm-ups for going back to school). I'm making new friends, slowly but surely. People that share my interests but are different enough to be very interesting to me.

I went to a comedy club with a meetup I enjoy last night. Its usually all women, but for this event you could bring an extra. All the singles bailed so it was me and two couples...but I had a great time and they were very welcoming! I made plans with one of the women to see a movie that we both were interested in.

I also had a hike and wine and cheese picnic overlooking a local lake with a friend (I'm off for spring break). I met another friend for a fantastic dinner a few nights before. These two ladies, I'm learning, are quickly becoming close to me.

You have to understand, I haven't really found or established my own friendships in years. I had become very reliant on H for all of my friendship needs as well as coming up with our social activities. And those "friendships" proved to be very shallow. I still have anger that not one of those people has really reached out to see how I am. And I was always there for them! I'm trying to let that go. Its hard, though. I especially enjoyed their children.

Anyway, this quick post has become a book. In a nutshell:

I'm excited for my future and a little scared.
I'm slowly making friends of my own.
I'm learning new things and excited to learn more.
I'm learning who I am and what I like to do.
I'm going to miss my beautiful house and the quiet life in the country, but I look forward to being closer to everything...it will make my trips out of town that much more special.
I realize I have put too much time effort and money into acquiring "stuff" to fill my emptiness. I need to do more and experience more, but lighten my load to do it.
I am learning to appreciate and be grateful for what I have got and what I have had.
I think my H still cares about me and I still love him, but I don't know what that means to either of us anymore. He ain't done baking and I'm not going to sit around waiting for his timer to "ding".
All I can do right now is be his friend when he needs me, but move forward with the door behind me cracked open if he wants to come through and follow. I'm done following him. And if he does at some point come through that door, he'll need to learn to walk beside me, cuz I'm done being his shadow. It really is getting easier as I find the me in me.

[kml]

On the friends issue:

My ex was very extroverted; I'm not shy but more of an introvert. I lean towards nerdy intellectual friends; my ex would whine about spending time with them. I'm more flexible and can enjoy most social situations; he had stronger preferences.

As a result of all those factors and more, our social circle consisted mostly of friendships with "his" people. And after the divorce I eventually moved 30 minutes away. And although it was disappointing that so few of "our" friends reached out to me, the sad truth is, I don't really miss the rest.

I quickly met new friends through the adult rock band class that I started taking after he left. And deepened friendships with existing friends. I was free to go out and do things I liked, like go out to rock shows that my early-rising ex couldn't stay up for. And my current boyfriend always comments on what great people all my friends are.

[melweb]

Cil-- what a great post. You sound fabulous, or at least you're trying to be fabulous. Good for you.

I cannot really give any words of wisdom regarding your H right now, but it seems like you guys are in an ok place-- not a great place, but not a bad place either.
I think you should keep doing what you're doing, be a friend, the safe place and let him decide if its a place he wants to be. Cuz it seems like he likes to visit.

Hang in there.

[ciluzen]

Hmmm. No expectations. I just got back from dinner with H. Yep. This was unexpected and new. He was low, frustrated, sad...and then asked if I had plans. Said he was hungry and didn't want to eat alone. I'll post more when I've digested this a bit. I paid for my half.

[mleigh4]

Love your post above, you have really got yourself balanced. I especially love the "he can learn to walk beside me, no longer his shadow" just love it.

Can't wait to hear about dinner.

[Pax_luv]

Hope you're doing well, Cil! When you are ready, please do share your dinner experience with h. Also, it looks like you are over 100- new thread time! (Just trying to help Job out )

[ciluzen]

New thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=newpost&Board=28