Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

Sorry, our posts must have crossed. H wasn't feeling well because while at the ski hill, we shared some ysters and he seemed to be having a bit of a reaction to them. But who knows.

[melweb]

Hm. Sorry to hear your Easter parade kind of got rained on.

This mind reading thing is what is going to drive me batty as well. Actually, its not even try to mind read, because that changes daily. But its the DAILY mind changing that is so frustrating!

[inpain]

Hi Ciluzen

I'm sorry it's been a long time since I caught up on your thread, I just needed a break from everything. I've read the last few pages about Easter and all of your interactions with your H and once again he is scarily similar to mine with the different H every day and sitting in silence at any mention of anything to do with R etc. Mine is ill and tired all the time too!

It is all so confusing but you seem to be being very level headed about it all - I don't know how you do it! I notice you do the same as me too - analysing why they are being nice and friendly - is it just to keep you sweet until all the house is settled? I find myself doing the same when my H is being nice too. It is so hard to completely detach after so many years together. Just when we think we are there something pulls on our heart strings!

[ciluzen]

I'm not sure where I am on this journey.
I've gotten better at not thinking of H all day every day.
I'm not sitting around having a pity party all day.
I'm not focusing so much on what I've lost/ will be losing as I was.
I'm too busy (in a good way) making my life and attempting a future. That great unknown is looming in front of me and I'm feeling calm (ish) and slightly excited, yet still a little sad and worried around the edges.
I am concerned for my H and still love him very much, but I look at him and sometimes wonder who this man is sitting in front of me. Not my rock. Not that morally upright, thought of becoming a pastor, former Eagle Scout. Not the man who would light up and call me (pet name) in an excited happy voice and enclose me in a bear hug. Not the man that taught me how to handle finances and spending. That taught me about the stock market. That helped me build our dream home. That raised two beautiful daughters as a firm, but loving and fun father with me. That was soooo responsible and yet, laid back and fun. Who is this man I see now?

I see a man who suddenly looks older than he is.
I see a man who is throwing himself into intense 12+ hour work days and is exhausted.
I see a man that now turns to me with questions about our finances.
I hear a man who doubts his past decisions (that he was sooo sure of) more and more.
I see and hear a man who has created a large debt load and is worried about paying this year's taxes.
Who sees no end to his exhausting work schedule.
Who is confused by seemingly simple things.
Who seems to be alternately pushing his family away and trying to pull them close.
I see a man who doesn't quite know how to act around the woman he has been married to for 26 years. Sometimes treating me like a burden, sometimes a rival, sometimes a friend, sometimes an advisor, and sometimes like a potential girlfriend on a first date.

Our house will be on the market probably by next week. He is trying to make sure that I am "set up" by letting me keep whatever we get from the sale of it. I think that is to appease his guilt.

For the first time, he asked me, "what are you going to do with your life?" He really does seem to have created this story in his head that he has made me unhappy because I was stuck in a marriage with someone I didn't like. And now he is setting me free because that will make me happy. And that will give him a chance at happiness because I didn't like him and he felt bad about always hurting me. That's his story.

His hurting me was because he realized he could never make me happy because I didn't like him, so he gave up and decided to make himself happy despite how it affected me. Those are his words.

Unfortunately, I was co-dependent and in love with him and ever so oblivious to his inner thoughts. I was happy before he started trying to "make himself happy".

Now I'm working on trying to make myself happy without him. I'm getting there. He just keeps popping up in his various forms while we go through the D. It makes it harder to detach, but not impossible.

[peacetoday]

I like the way you described him b4 and after MLC

Its hard to believe the drastic changes these MLcers make

It makes it easier to understand that it is a real crises

Maybe your H thought you were unhappy with him
mine did

I remember my xh looked me in the eye and said you want this D too
at that time I didn't
I told him ..no I really don't

they make up stories and change history to sit well with their choice to go
and paint a cleaner picture to their friends
hope you have peaceful weekend

[ciluzen]

Thank you PT. I hope you have a peaceful weekend, as well.

At bomb drop, H told me with an angry firmness that we were done and said the cliched, ILYBINILWY. When I got upset he seemed a bit taken aback. Later in our conversation, and in many other "talks", he told me he thought when he said we were done that I would "jump for joy" because that's what I had wanted.

Recently, after our first mediation, I told him I would not be doing something because he had chosen to leave our marriage. He brought up that I left the marriage first. I remember saying "I have never left the marriage and my actions show that if you could ever take the time to look". His only comeback to that? A much quieter, "you left first". Probably not great DBing on my part, but a truth dart.

He really has changed the history in his head. They all seem to.

From what my H has said, he hasn't talked to anyone about his reasons for leaving and filing. Not even his parents. He said no one has asked him, either. They are being "respectful". He has only told a few people that are family or employees that it is happening. Of course, some of those people have told others. I've been pretty open with people I know. But I don't bad mouth him..

Its almost like he is being a martyr in his mind. "I don't really want this, she does. This will make her happier, she just doesn't realize it yet." But if you don't talk about things with someone (besides the person you've left), you can't get out of your own head. He is stuck. I wonder if he will ever get unstuck?

[Pax_luv]

Hi Ciluzen,
I've been reading along and have to tell you that I admire the strength and composure you have... The fact that you and your h even go skiing together is... Wow! I don't know if I respect my h that much anymore to even want to spend time with him.

Thr martyr comment is interesting. I kind of got that, too. The difference is, h told all his new friends that we were completely done before he even told me! One night I overheard a phone convo with one of his female "friends" - he was saying with zero emotion "yeah, my life is going to change pretty drastically in the next few weeks." I mean, he had this script in his mind how things were going to play out and he made damn sure it happened according to plan. And I think it did. He did everything to push me away. Anyway, I don't mean to hijack.... I just find it interesting that the reason for splitting is never concrete and based on something "worth" divorcing over. It's a decision they feel they have to make because it aligns with the story they're writing for themselves.

[Sotto]

"h told all his new friends that we were completely done before he even told me!"

My H did this too - he told mutual friends that our M was over whilst he was telling me he was confused and not sure what he wanted (while carrying on the A.) One of our friends became so concerned I didn't know, she told me....that was pretty awful at the time and I just couldn't believe he would have done that. It's another thing I just accept now...xx

[ciluzen]

Feyth and Sotto,

I can't even imagine how that would feel, knowing that others knew first. My H waited a week and only told the couple we owned our vacation home with (his ladyfriend and her husband). He then didn't tell anyone else until he moved out 2 mos later (he says).

And Feyth, most of the time the skiing together is "accidental". I would go ski, and he was looking for me. Weird. Our "day before Easter ski date" was surprising in that he told me I was skiing with he and D23 (he was calling that a "family get together" for Easter). He just neglected to tell me that she dropped out the night before.
When those "ski dates" happen, I almost welcome them, although they always start out awkward on my part as I'm not sure which H I am dealing with at first. I usually get to spend the day with the H I used to know, I think because it is a stress free fun environment for him. It keeps me going, in a way. As long as I understand that the old H is just peeping out for a few hours while he is stress free, I don't get my hopes up anymore. Once we're off the hill, I know I will no longer recognize him. Ski season is over in a week or so. Then what?

[BrightFuture]

Hey, ciluzen, just catching up on your thread. I used to look at my H as a person who I can rely on, who would make the right decision, who would consider all the aspects when making a financial decision, etc… Now, I’m hearing the stories and seeing the patterns of someone who behaves like a teenager. It is not easy to understand, but it is the reality today. At BD time he also told me that his decision to leave the M will befit everyone, as I would be able to find a better partner for myself. He kept repeating it in a few conversations, until I told him that he cannot possibly know and cannot decide what is better for me.

I’m not sure if he told his work buddies and other crowd he was spending time with while away from home about his decision, but he was pretty secretive for quite some time with his family and close friends. Nobody knew what was going on until a few months later. I think he was not sure himself… Until he met that girl, my (mutual) friend’s cousin in Mexico. I think at that time he had this idea in his head that this must be the R he was looking for.

This is so true what the vets tell us here, that MLCers make their exit decision way before they deliver the BD to us. I’m just always curios what is holding them back and when is “that” time when they finally decide to give a speech. I think they intuitively know that they would be making a wrong decision, and it takes them some time to convince themselves that what they are about to do is good for everyone.

I chuckled at “accidental” skiing… It might become a new popular GAL activity… Not! It is great that you can handle this just fine, without getting your hopes up. At the same time… you just never know, and this might this thread of connection you want to keep for now.