I've been checking out these boards for quite awhile as I've been posting on Newcomers, but I guess its time to move on over here.
To some up, my H dropped the B 2 weeks after my D25 got married this summer, moved out in October, and filed for D at the end of January. He has given as his reasons that we are too different, that I don't like him and haven't for years (the length of that time keeps growing), that I am embarassed of him, and that, although he isn't happy now that he's moved out (or even happier)he sees it as his best chance to be happy.
He talks of getting old, being exhausted, working til his last breath, etc. His mother has Alzheimers but is being cared for by his father 2 states away. He is under a lot of stress about this. He seems very depressed.
I care for him deeply...still love and am attracted to him. He still shows me he cares for me. As I've learned to listen better, he has opened up more about his fears and stresses. He has, over the years, become closer to a friend and employee (married female)as he's moved further away emotionally from me, but I no longer believe it was a PA. They are still close.
I believe he is deep in MLC and has been for some time.
I have been trying to DB since September, but have trouble detaching. I've learned that R talks scare him away, but cause him to think. I try not to have them, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me. He has reached out to me randomly several times so I've "been the lighthouse" or the "woman only a fool would leave" and he seems very responsive to this. But then I get my hopes up and have them smashed again when he pulls back. I'm trying to detach and am getting better at it. Just thought it was time to move over here.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, Job. I've been reading and re-reading these assignments for awhile. They have been very helpful.
I would love some more MLC book suggestions, as I've been more focused on listening skills,coping with separation and MWD's books on saving marriage.
I'm in the throes of D, but am choosing to stand, as well. A strange place to be, made more difficult by my H's wanting to be friends because we know each other so well and his still wanting to "take care" of me. But only when he wants to or with things he finds important.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
MLC and depression go hand in hand. In fact, depression is the main ingredient of MLC. Here's a list of reading materials that may assist you. I would highly recommend that you read up on depression. It's a bit different for males vs. females:
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just a quick question for those who are dealing with an MLCer who is sometimes sharing about their life. How do you validate, "I'm exhausted" or ""getting old s#cks" type comments? I am hearing this every convo and I'm not sure what to say at this point.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
A very easy response is "I'm sorry you are feeling that way" or "I hope you are feeling better soon". It validates and also gets you off the hook for something they may take the wrong way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, Job. I was getting tired of trying to validate and reassure him. He's only going to be 52 in a bit. He acts like that's ancient!
He is working long days and trying to make more money (its suddenly become a major stressor for him) but fails to realize that its because he is so overextended. He wanted our vacation home even though we were already struggling to create a retirement for us and threw a fit when I said it wasn't very doable (I was in charge of finances, but he always battled for the past 10 years because he became a big spender. He made the money, so I always caved, but we used to make our decisions together before.). Now we have no savings and our retirement is small. Now that we are getting a D, he's suddenly worried about money.
No wonder he's tired and feels old.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
But then I get my hopes up and have them smashed again when he pulls back. I'm trying to detach and am getting better at it. Just thought it was time to move over here.
I had my hopes smashed this afternoon again. I was in the middle of PMA and went totally nonDB.
I continue to find such inspiration in your posts.
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
I'm so sorry your hopes were smashed. We'll just have to find a way to glue them back together again. I have gum and a few rubberbands? Those darn emotions do seem to bust up our DB efforts.
I got emotional two nights ago...got a disturbing email from my L reporting something his L had revealed that sent me off the rails. I received it on the way up to his office to exchange something with one of his staff and was so shaken (literally shaking, cold, and hardly able to stand) I was determined to not speak with him. So, of course he came to speak to me and...not my best DB moment. He called later after I got home (I was actually on a GAL activity) to talk about the issue, which turned out to be a stupid mistake his L made.
The next day he called me as I was getting ready for work, trying to be nice about giving me some info about a hobby we share and I shut him down with a "I'm not your concern anymore". What the *&% am I doing? Emotions really mess up our DB efforts.
So today, he was supposed to come work on the house (we will be selling it before the D) and he went skiing instead. I only found that out after wondering where he was and then hearing it from my daughter when she called. Misunderstanding or no?
I guess all I can say during these types of moments is...back to square one...try harder to detach emotionally so that we are not ou of control of ourselves ...make a plan...hope that next time will be another positive interaction due to a lesson learned and greater effort to be that wonderful, strong woman you've been working so hard to find inside you. I am the lighthouse in a sea of crazy...I am the woman only a fool would leave...I am strong, and patient, and very, very kind. And I love my H enough to do this.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
