My H father died in November 2014. After that he started to change. He started guitar lessons and singing lessons with the dream of becoming a rock star. He hung out with new friends who enjoy drinking. He (we) previously had dreams of being in full-time ministry.
He had been depressed on and off for the previous 10 or so years. Changes in location seemed to improve his mood. He came from an abusive background with a mom who was physically and emotionally abusive and a dad who was disengaged. He hates his job and the only times he has really been happy is when he hasn't been working and I've supported us.
11/10/15 was the first bomb drop. He told me that he was thinking of moving out and he resented the fact that he was the sole provider. He said he felt lonely and didn't want to go see a MC.
The next day he said he wanted to talk. He told me that he loved me and didn't want to leave. He said he would go see a counselor. Although he attempted to set up appointments, he never did see anyone then.
This shock caused me to make some changes. I normally worked from home at night, but decided to change the structure of my day to have free time at night. He was upset at first, but was fine when I explained that I was doing it for me because I had never wanted to be a workaholic. I work part-time from home, have a few side websites, and homeschool my 3 children. My work income pretty much only covers my student loan and my children's education right now.
Second bomb drop was 1/1/16 He told me that he was thinking of moving in with his mom to see if he would miss me. His mom is close to needing a nursing home and is delusional and he had been going to see her once a week since his father died. She lives 1.5 hours away so this is no small thing. I told him that I don't think we are recoverable if he moves out. He backtracked and said it was just an idea. He told me that he loves me but the love he has for me is much less than how much I love him. He said he feels empty inside. He said he has been trying for 17 years to make our marriage work and that we probably rushed into marriage. I urged him to go talk with a therapist
The next day he called me from work and asked me to go out to dinner with him. He told me that he was trying. At dinner he proudly shared his teenage adventures doing foolish things
I'm on survival mode here. I started to talk with a pastor at my church, but I was getting advice like send him love notes, have date nights, and go shopping. I contacted a ministry couple that are good friends. I asked them to give him a call and to keep attempting to call him if he didn't respond. They never called. H's family would not be helpful and mine wouldn't either.
I don't know any of his new friends and H talks about two different worlds. He doesn't like to be home. He hasn't cheated on me and tells me I've been an awesome wife and that he has nothing to complain about there. It is just that he feels empty and I think he feels that he needs to change things to stop the pain. In January he went away with friends for a long weekend and spent it drinking and eating well. Money is tight so this made things more difficult for him money-wise when returning home.
I also started to take an interest in what my H likes. I listen to music with him at night and ask him for album recommendations that I listen to while I work. We watch his shows together and he will often curl up with his head in my lap.
In the previous year he had taken to sleeping on the couch a lot. I got used it to him being gone and was in denial. Now he comes to bed when I do usually.
He started seeing a therapist in January and he said she is helping him understand himself better. He has never felt inner happiness and she is working with him on that. He has a very low self esteem and a very critical inner voice.
Last week he told me a revised version of our marriage by telling me that our marriage wasn't healthy for most of our marriage. He said the therapist is helping him resolve his issues and his therapist said she would help him even if it meant he would leave us. After 4 therapy sessions he said he still feels the same.
A few days ago I asked him if he cheated on me and he told me no, not even close. He was bothered by that question because he slept on the couch and he asked me the next morning why I asked him that. I told him that I didn't have the courage to ask it sooner.
I am devastated - to put it mildly. I cry almost every day and some days I don't want to get out of bed. My H doesn't see this though. I hide it quite well. My H says he feels loved. I haven't felt loved for years.
I read about detachment, but I'm concerned about that. I was detached on and off during his depressive episodes and I think it made things worse between us.
I want to talk to a therapist, the same one that D goes to, but money is tight and my part-time job is giving me no work right now. I'm waiting about a month until Ds sessions will be spread out because he used up all his allotted insurance money.
My biggest issue is the attachment. I'm on a cordial basis with my family because they seem to be only capable of a surface relationship and I need depth. It seems as that is what I have now with H and it is killing me. At least I know we had an intensely deep relationship once so there is something we can get back to.
My H and I are both highly sensitive and deep.
I have the ability to get a good paying job, but that would create much upheaval in my children's lives right now. When I mentioned to H about how I worked as a sole provider to support us for many years when he mentioned that he resented being the sole provider, he said that I was just a better person than him.
I've been married almost 18 years and my H is ready to walk away. He is nearly 50 and his dad died over a year ago. This set him into a tailspin where he changed so much.
He was away from home a lot, drinking much more, hanging out with younger people, taking up new hobbies, and pretty much checked out on his family and me. We have 3 children. I thought he might be going through something (mid-lifey) so I gave him space. In November he told me that he was thinking about leaving me. He said he was lonely. I was devastated. I thought he might be depressed and I suggested that he get counseling. The next day he told me he loved me and that he didn't want to leave and that the problem was with him. He attempted to make a counseling appointment, but there was no follow-through. I made changes and instead of working in the evenings, I started being in the same room with him. That led to us watching shows together or hanging out together.
January 1st - He told me that he loved me, but nothing like how I loved him and that he probably made a mistake marrying me He also suggested that he leave. I told him that I didn't know if we were recoverable if he left. The next day he told me that he loved me and that he was going to try. He started seeing a counsellor that is helping him come to terms with who he is. He has struggled with work-wise issues for many years and has a history of childhood abuse.
Valentines - (Making holidays memorable here!) After being intimate he told me that he doesn't like having sex because he doesn't want to give me false hopes, but he has needs. OMG I was pretty zen with this statement from him and remembered that I wasn't supposed to believe what he says. He pretty much told me that counseling was helping him, but it was doing the opposite with us. He refused to go together and told me that he has been trying to work on our relationship, but there is nothing there.
My questions...I know I need to detach here. I've never one refused him sexually in all our years of marriage. After his statement last night, I think I need to put a stop to things there until he is willing to work on us. Right?
How does detachment look different from indifference? I started hanging out by myself after the first bomb drop and he had no idea why.
He has made several statements that lead me to believe that the time I'm spending with him or the things I do for him are interpreted as pursuing so I know I need to stop them. Should I tell him that I'm giving him space to figure out his life?
I don't believe he is having an affair. I asked him and I do believe he was telling me the truth.
How do you find the strength to get through this stuff? How long does this last?
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome to the MLC Forum. Youl will find that we are all at various stages along the path of MLC.
Now, to answer some of your questions. First, I would agree that his father's death helped to flip him over into MLC. Generally, 18-24 months prior to the bomb drop something happens, i.e., death in the family, illness, birth of a child, promotion, etc.
They do think about leaving for a while and will state that they've been thinking about it. Keep in mind that they've detached from us quite a while before we come to realize that they are in MLC.
Here's a link to detachment. I think you will discover that detachment is far different than indifference:
You will need to read up on the dance of pursuit and distance. Yes, in his mind, he thinks that you are doing all of these things to be w/him to try to convince him to stay and try again. Actions speak louder than words and no, I wouldn't tell him that you giving him space to figure things out. In fact, what you should do is show him that you are continuing to do things for yourself and leave him to his thinking, etc. Yes, I know you want to do things w/him, but maybe you need to step back just a wee bit and give him the space he needs.
If he is having an affair, he will not necessarily tell you. Most of them do have someone that they talk to or see. It could be a fantasy woman and he thinks she likes him or it could be someone who has been kind to him...but I would watch the financials, i.e., bank accounts, credit cards and phone bills.
How do we have the strength to get through this stuff? As you travel the path, you will learn to detach, become more independent and stronger. You will learn to dig deep for patience as this trip is not for the faint of heart. It is not a sprint, but a marathon and you will need to dig very deep for patience. There will be days when you will want to toss in the towel and say "I quit", but you may feel differently the next day.
How long does a MLC last? It will last as long as it takes for him to resolve his childhood issues, face them, accept that he was not at fault and grow up. Some take 2-7 years and others take longer and then you have some that never come out of the crisis. For now, I would allow him the space and time he needs to figure himself out. Be kind to him, treat him as a friend. Listen, validate and affirm his actions if he does something that requires recognition. Do not offer up your advice and/or opinions unless he asks for them. Do not tell him that he is depressed, as they do not think that they are.
Try to keep the focus on YOU! Leave him in God's hands for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One last thought...your h could be having an emotional affair w/someone. He could be talking to her on the phone or in chat rooms or it could be someone in his office. Or, he could be one of those MLCers that travels the path alone. Work or a new hobby could be his focus and not someone of the opposite sex. They don't necessarily all hook up w/someone...but a large majority of them do.
For now, sit quietly and observe. Don't ask a lot of personal questions and try to stay away from relationship talks. If he talks to you, listen and validate. Time will tell on whether or not he's flying solo or not.
Again, keep the focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did tell him that I was giving him some space to figure out his life though. He wondered what that meant. In short, I said he does his thing and I do my thing. He then told me that he liked doing some stuff with me and I told him that he would have to ask to do those things. I would not be asking. I'm thinking that maybe sometimes when he asks I should be busy with my own thing though.
I have a strong faith in God. My H used to. He was a minister and we were preparing/planning on moving to Asia as a family to do ministry. Now he doesn't even attend church. I had a little talk with my teen and preteen and told them that their dad was sad since his father died and he needed to do different things for awhile. That seemed to satisfy their questions as to why their father was no longer attending church. I don't know what else to tell them. It isn't like they are hearing any fighting.
At this time I doubt there is another person. He does tend to have lots of friends who are female and he works with an office full of females. His best friend at work is female too. I don't know about an EA. Only time will tell.
Why do they blame spouses? He is chummy with his mom who was a very big part of the abuse of his past.
Esweet, welcome to the board and sorry you are here. Your timeline sounds similar to my. We were also married for almost 18 years before the BD, and H’s Dad passed away about 1 year prior BD. My son was already an adult at that time though.
You will get a lot of advice and support here. Just keep posting, so you could get off moderation. Yes, like job said, the first thing to do is detach. It is hard, but it is a necessary step in order to get through this MLC crisis.
Read the homework that Cadet posted, it will give you a lot of information about MLC. Job gave you an excellent “introductory” advice. As for the sex, there were different opinions on this. I’m not an expert, but I would say that if it feels right for you, you can go for it.
Take care of yourself.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Day 1 of detachment and something weird already happened.
Tonight I fed the kids and cleaned up the kitchen while my H slept on the couch. Once I was done I went upstairs for the night. I started work - doing something that I have been doing for years. As I was doing that my 7 year old D was giving me a "make-over" or should I say a cake-over. H came up the stairs carrying a purchased bottle of shampoo that had been sitting downstairs a few days. He put it in the bathroom and then brushed his hair, lol. I didn't give him any attention.
As he was leaving the room he asked me what I was doing. I don't remember the last time he asked that. I was doing something for my business that I have done every day for years. I have told him about it and worked on it next to him umpteen times....and when I told him what I was doing it was like he had never heard of it before. What?????? Wow.
I also learned that it was good that I told my H that I was giving him space. I think he assumed that I was angry at him this morning before I told him that I was giving him space. He seemed much more relaxed after I told him.
I think they blame their spouse because we are the closest and right here Many of them will not think the issue may be with their unresolved childhood..that may be too painful to sort through they seek fun and freedom -and the family and kids are too much responsibility they revert back to a younger time.. IN MLC it is called replay they may dye their hair, get new clothes, new hobby, motorcycle, car new younger friends..they tend to spend a lot of money sometimes the spouse, only knows the responsible H, so this new irresponsible person that he is changing into is hard to understand so even if he was super good with money, I would check the credit cards regularly
I was shocked to see how much money my xh was spending
you do sound very strong , and grounded and ready for the ride it may be a long one.. but most LBS wind up stronger and well taken care of Try to focus on you and the kids as you find new activities and friends, he may become curious to the new you you can be kind and cordial no relationship talks good luck
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
As peacetoday pointed out, we are the closest to them at this time. Also, at the beginning, they aren't looking to the past to figure things out. When they enter the crisis, we are there front and center and since they are so unhappy, then we must be the problem. They begin to look at us as the authority figures in their lives, i.e., mom or dad. Like teenagers, they tend to resent us and that when rebellion comes into play.
When replay begins, you will see a different side to your h. He will become the mirror image of the man you knew (exact opposite). He may dress differently, dye/cut his hair, grow facial hair, manscape, drink, gamble, do drugs, etc. His taste in clothes and friends will change. In fact he could very well morph into a total teen lifestyle. Body piercings and tattoos tend to be popular w/some of them. Their taste in the opposite sex will be totally different from you. Many of them will affair down so, please do not compare yourself to her. She is nothing more than a band aid during his crisis.
As for spending, well, many of them spend money like it's going out of style. Credit card bills soar and they really don't have much in the way of sense when it comes to paying their bills. Do not rely on him for anything, especially paying the bills for you and your family. You will need to keep a very close eye on your financials. In some cases, they become very selfish w/their money and time.
All of these things are done to make them feel better for a short period of time. When something doesn't work, they'll find something else to try until one day, they finally either hit bottom or they face their issues.
Do not believe anything he tells you. They are very good at lying during the crisis. They will tell you what they think you want to hear and then do something totally different. Actions speak louder than words. Watch his body language.
For now, no more relationship talks. Leave him to his space and time. The less you aggravate him w/talks or w/what you think he should or shouldn't be doing the best. He needs to focus on himself in order to heal. Keep your expectations at zero at all times because if you are expecting him to do things the way he use to do them, you will be sadly disappointed, angry and/or resentful of him. Why? The old version of your man is now out the window for a long time. You will need to learn to accept him for who he is today.
Bottom line, this is the time for you to work on yourself. Do the things that you've put off for ages, rediscover yourself and if you have things that you want to change/improve for yourself, by all means, do them. But, the changes you make are for you and they must become permanent and not just to try to win him back.
Keep the focus on you and your family as you are now the only adult in their lives for now that they can rely on.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm on the second day of detachment and already today my H has done a couple of out-of-the-ordinary things. I left this morning with our only car to get some milk because I see he used up most of it last night and I needed some for breakfast for the kids. We had snow in the night so as I was cleaning off the car he came out wondering what I was doing. I told him that I was just going to the store and let him know that I could handle dusting off the car. He put up a fuss about the wiper blades because he said I didn't know that they had messed up last night. I let him fix it and then left. When I came home he was in the driveway shoveling the snow. Then after I dropped him off work he sent me a text to drive safe. I didn't text back. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes upstairs tonight wanting to watch a show with me.
I've been doing lots of reading and this detachment thing has been more than the action of detachment. I feel like I want to detach - like I need space too. Is that what others have gone through?
I don't want to watch something with him tonight. I'd rather read some more and get my head together. Should I encourage this time together right now? If not, what should I say when he asks?
I took down all of the wedding pictures today. H (pre mlc) loved displaying lots of our wedding pictures in frames in our house. It is too hard for me to keep seeing them up all over the place. I've been looking at them since the first BD 3 months ago and they look back and me and laugh. H is sure to notice.
I've been reading a lot of the referenced threads and I discovered that I have been a big pursuer. I would always drop everything and do what H wanted. I would ask him what he needed and do it. I always put his needs and wants above my own.
This morning he asked me to do something for him. Instead of jumping to it, I finished what I was in the middle of doing and realized that I had to will myself to not drop everything for him. That surprised me that I had such an automatic response to drop everything for him.
This detachment has been enlightening and it is only on the 2nd day.
Today he asked me twice about my day and then wanted me to come watch some shows with him. I told him that I had something planned for the night, but maybe the next night. He said he bought me some ice cream too.
I think this is a big dynamic for us. I thought doing nice things for him and putting him first was a good thing to do. But it seems like too much of a good thing isn't so good.
I also realized today that I have been doing a lot of inserting of my H into my conversations with my kids.
My kid might tell me something and I would often tell him/her that he should tell Daddy about that or I would praise their Dad to them often. Or I would give H credit for something that was mostly me. Or not decide on something to do with my kids until I checked with H.
I'm the one with the strong relationship with my kids. He does not and I've attempted to help that along. He and my youngest child are quite attached, but H doesn't like my preteen and teen. He thinks they are not cool (they are on the nerdy side). He also thinks they reject him because they don't talk to him much or respond to him much. He doesn't get that they are at an age where they aren't so chatty with parents. He sees them with me and is envious. Sometimes he has made comments that leads me to believe he is in competition with me. Crazy. He used to be so close to his older kids (now 12 and 14). He has pretty much checked out of their life for years. The last few months he has made a few attempts to connect, but has not been successful. Just yesterday, he made some political comments to the 14 year old as he watched a political debate. The 14 year old just listened. H threw up his hands and left the house.
Something has shifted in me and I'm not inserting H into conversations with my children now. And tonight when my son desired to take a nerdy vacation, I didn't dismiss it. I thought it might be fun to do with him sometime - without H.
Last night after I told H that I had planned on doing something else and that maybe we could watch something together the next day, he went downstairs for about an hour or so. Then he came upstairs with his computer and sat down near me. I was reading on this site so I shifted my computer where he couldn't see the screen. He asked me what I was doing and I told him that I was reading. He wanted to know what I was reading and I said stuff. He said "whatever!" and about 5 minutes later he closed down his computer and left.
20 minutes later he was back in the bedroom where I was and he proceeded to dye his hair. I quit reading and went to bed.
I understand the persuer and distancer is big in our relationship, but I don't get this really. Why does he want to hang out with me? We had been having (what I thought) was lots of fun hanging out together in the last month or two, but then he told me a few days ago that he couldn't even think about attending a concert with me in 4 months.
Is he trying to suck me back into a pursuer role? I don't think I can do that now. I've been realizing that the times he has been happiest in our marriage and in our relationship are the times when I've been the most independent.
When you begin to distance yourself from him, i.e., you change the way you interact w/him or do things for him, he'll make attempts to get you sucked back into the game. For example, you preferred to read last night...so what did he do...he plopped himself down right beside you and asked what you were doing...it was obvious that you were reading something. When you didn't jump up and tell him, he closed down his laptop and left. You will discover that they do things to get you sucked back in. One time, he could be very nice in the way he tries and the next time, he could go all out monster on you. Whatever you do, stay the course. The less you react to his comments and behavior, the better.
The more you work on yourself and do things for yourself, the more curious he will get. If he does something nice, thank him. They love to have their egos stroked and get kudos when they've done something for you. Just remember, he's trying to find himself and where he fits in w/the world at this time.
As for your children, he may feel some resentment/jealousy towards the kids because they are getting your attention. This is very typical behavior during this time. Eventually he may select one child to be his best bud. It is usually the child that doesn't question him on what he's doing.
I'm going to suggest that you read HaWho's threads. Her h is still at home living in the "dorm" room and acting out. She has seen several personalities come out to play and she's doing a terrific job of dealing w/her now H who is acting like her third son.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've been realizing that the times he has been happiest in our marriage and in our relationship are the times when I've been the most independent.
Hello Esweet,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
The statement you make about him being happiest when you are the most independent is interesting. When are YOU the happiest? When is your family the happiest? Focusing your time, effort and energy on yourself and your kids is key to detachment and moving forward in a positive way.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
My H is seeing a counselor. He looks forward to his weekly sessions and feels like it is helping him understand himself more. But he also says that it feels like he is moving further away from me. He thinks he was being a false self for so many years and he wasn't his real self when I met him. When he told me that I called him on it. I said that unless he had a split personality he doesn't totally switch from being one person to another. I told him that I could see that false self...I can count the number of times I told him through the years to be himself and not try to be what others wanted him to be...but he doesn't remember that part of it.
Does counseling help MLC much? I think his therapist is helping him learn some mindfulness techniques and help him identify if the critical inner voice is accurate.
Counseling will only help the MLCer if he is truly willing to listen and do the hard, necessary work that the counselor suggests. Many of them go for a few sessions and quit. Others only hear what they want to hear, i.e., they take it out of context to mean that the relationship is flawed and they need to end it.
Time will tell whether it's helping him resolve his issues. Just listen to what he has to say and again, do not offer advice/comments unless he asks for them. Sometimes just listening will give you a clue as to where his head is at.
Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My H went monster on me this morning. This detachment has really turned things on its head.
This morning I went to see a woman at my church to talk and for support. I didn't tell H ahead of time. Normally he heads into work around 11/11:30.
At 9:30 I get a call on my phone while I'm out. I didn't answer. Then I get a text that I need to call. I called and he wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. I was vague and said I would have the car home in time for him to go to work. He went off on me and make sure to let me know that he had plans for the car. I told him I had to go. He had already asked my kids all about my plans. My son told him that I had an appointment.
I arrived home early (by 11:00) and he was still getting ready for work. When he was about to head out the door he looked at me with such anger. My youngest was in the room and I sent her away to go play. I asked him if there was a problem and he went off on me for not telling him about needing the car. He told me that I went off script and that I'm normally home and that if I do something off script I need to check with him. I watched a few shows with him last night and he said I was devious by sitting there and not telling him. He then told me that if I'm going to be like that he could go off for days at a time. And he yelled "Do you think things like this are going to help?" He wanted to know how I paid for my appointment (money is tight). I told him that the only thing I spent was $5 for gas in the car because the light was on.
In all of this I told him that I'm sorry he felt like that, but I didn't know he needed the car (not sure he did need it anyway).
He went out to the car for a minute and then came back in and wanted to know where I was. He seemed so scared and sad in the asking. I told him that I went to talk to a friend. Then he asked if I was cheating on him!!!! I told him of course not. He said it was tit for tat since I asked him if he was cheating on me. And he did all this in a way that I think my kids may have heard
It was nice to get out and talk to someone. She had no advice for me, but it was good to have someone listen.
Help...where do I go from here? Did I handle this correctly? Am I being too detached? Argh...this is hard.
Well, that conversation was very telling. He doesn't trust you because he knows what he did, i.e., cheated on you, so he thinks that is what you are doing...projection at its finest.
The car...who does the car belong to? You are an adult and when do you have to tell him everywhere you are going? It's a two way street and if he needed the car, he could have told you last evening. Don't drink his kool aid. He's throwing a temper tantrum because you were not were you should have been. He doesn't like it that you're doing things and going places that he doesn't know about or what you are doing. Too bad, little man.
You handled the situation very well. Don't take on his guilt for what he's done. You've done nothing wrong. If he wants to leave, let him. Sounds to me like he's putting threats out there to keep you in line. You've apologized. Don't apologize again.
Just remember...you did nothing wrong and you were back home in time for him to go to work. Case closed. I won't be surprised to come and read later on that he got over his temper tantrum and acts like nothing happened. They do this all of the time.
Continue to move forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That day in February was a changing point for us. When my H came home that night we had a talk. He was not happy with what happened earlier. I told him that I needed some distance because it was too difficult. The talk went in the direction of working on the marriage and he seemed to think that he was working on it. I told him that I felt that working on the marriage would mean going to counseling together. At the end of the talk he committed to going to counseling with me. We started Emotion Focused Couples Therapy in March.
It has been very difficult because this type of therapy has required me to remain open. The monstering stopped after about 6 weeks of therapy, but he told our therapist it was because he just cared less. He didn't feel hope for a future with me, but he wanted to try.
There were times where he connected and times he grew more distant. I crashed and burned and regained strength time and time again. I grew. I learned more about myself.
We both had issues from our past that affected our marriage and the therapist was helping us work through them and understand each other's perspectives.
My H didn't go the route of infidelity. He sought out connection with friends and hobbies and left me in the dust.
Two weeks ago everything changed. I was at the end of my rope. It was hard. H was out partying with friends until 3am and I was alone yet again. I cried out to God for help. I literally came to the end of myself and had little left to fight. That night when H was away, God gave me the idea to watch the movie War Room. It totally changed my perspective. I gave up on fighting for my marriage and gave it all over to God. I let Him fight for me.
That night when H came home he got ready for bed and then went downstairs to sleep on the couch as usual. But this time he said "goodnight" I didn't remember the last time he said that. Small thing, but it was nice to hear.
Instead of focusing on how to fix my marriage, I spent my time praying for my husband, my marriage, my family, and strength. I started listening to Christian music that spoke of God's might and power. I trusted him to fight for me.
The next day as our family was on an outing, he held my hand. Wow! When was the last time he did that? Two weeks earlier I attempted to hold his hand and he pulled his away and told me that couples with problems don't do that!
The next day he held my hand as well. He was also coming to bed in our room each night now. He was connecting more and one night after H and I had some fun, laughter, and time together he told me that sometimes he misses his old self. Cue jaw drop.
He loves music and over the past 2 weeks I heard changes in his music selections. They were no longer so dark and one night he even put on some praise music.
It has been amazing to see God at work here. Then yesterday we had another therapy session and he started off the session by saying that he was tired of trying to find happiness away from me - that it was work. He figured that he might as well work on our relationship if trying to find happiness away from me was so much work.
He told the therapist he loved me and that he didn't want to live his life without me and that I was good for him. Tears were in his eyes. He is cautious about our future, but he wants to try.
We have a LONG way to go in therapy, but I'm praising God here. This wasn't me. I just let go and trusted him to fight for me. He did and He is.
Just wanted to share in case it is helpful for someone.
I'm glad you returned to post an update. Both of you have a long journey ahead of you, but w/the help of a counselor, your marriage can be saved. I do hope and pray that the wounds will heal and the both of you can find your way back to each other and can enjoy many years of happiness together.
