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Cristy,

Woh..good questions. I'll be thinking. Thanks.

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My H is seeing a counselor. He looks forward to his weekly sessions and feels like it is helping him understand himself more. But he also says that it feels like he is moving further away from me. He thinks he was being a false self for so many years and he wasn't his real self when I met him. When he told me that I called him on it. I said that unless he had a split personality he doesn't totally switch from being one person to another. I told him that I could see that false self...I can count the number of times I told him through the years to be himself and not try to be what others wanted him to be...but he doesn't remember that part of it.

Does counseling help MLC much? I think his therapist is helping him learn some mindfulness techniques and help him identify if the critical inner voice is accurate.

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Counseling will only help the MLCer if he is truly willing to listen and do the hard, necessary work that the counselor suggests. Many of them go for a few sessions and quit. Others only hear what they want to hear, i.e., they take it out of context to mean that the relationship is flawed and they need to end it.

Time will tell whether it's helping him resolve his issues. Just listen to what he has to say and again, do not offer advice/comments unless he asks for them. Sometimes just listening will give you a clue as to where his head is at.

Keep the focus on you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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My H went monster on me this morning. This detachment has really turned things on its head.

This morning I went to see a woman at my church to talk and for support. I didn't tell H ahead of time. Normally he heads into work around 11/11:30.

At 9:30 I get a call on my phone while I'm out. I didn't answer. Then I get a text that I need to call. I called and he wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. I was vague and said I would have the car home in time for him to go to work. He went off on me and make sure to let me know that he had plans for the car. I told him I had to go. He had already asked my kids all about my plans. My son told him that I had an appointment.

I arrived home early (by 11:00) and he was still getting ready for work. When he was about to head out the door he looked at me with such anger. My youngest was in the room and I sent her away to go play. I asked him if there was a problem and he went off on me for not telling him about needing the car. He told me that I went off script and that I'm normally home and that if I do something off script I need to check with him. I watched a few shows with him last night and he said I was devious by sitting there and not telling him. He then told me that if I'm going to be like that he could go off for days at a time. And he yelled "Do you think things like this are going to help?" He wanted to know how I paid for my appointment (money is tight). I told him that the only thing I spent was $5 for gas in the car because the light was on.

In all of this I told him that I'm sorry he felt like that, but I didn't know he needed the car (not sure he did need it anyway).

He went out to the car for a minute and then came back in and wanted to know where I was. He seemed so scared and sad in the asking. I told him that I went to talk to a friend. Then he asked if I was cheating on him!!!! I told him of course not. He said it was tit for tat since I asked him if he was cheating on me. And he did all this in a way that I think my kids may have heard frown

It was nice to get out and talk to someone. She had no advice for me, but it was good to have someone listen.

Help...where do I go from here? Did I handle this correctly? Am I being too detached? Argh...this is hard.

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Well, that conversation was very telling. He doesn't trust you because he knows what he did, i.e., cheated on you, so he thinks that is what you are doing...projection at its finest.

The car...who does the car belong to? You are an adult and when do you have to tell him everywhere you are going? It's a two way street and if he needed the car, he could have told you last evening. Don't drink his kool aid. He's throwing a temper tantrum because you were not were you should have been. He doesn't like it that you're doing things and going places that he doesn't know about or what you are doing. Too bad, little man.

You handled the situation very well. Don't take on his guilt for what he's done. You've done nothing wrong. If he wants to leave, let him. Sounds to me like he's putting threats out there to keep you in line. You've apologized. Don't apologize again.

Just remember...you did nothing wrong and you were back home in time for him to go to work. Case closed. I won't be surprised to come and read later on that he got over his temper tantrum and acts like nothing happened. They do this all of the time.

Continue to move forward.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi all...I wanted to give a little update.

That day in February was a changing point for us. When my H came home that night we had a talk. He was not happy with what happened earlier. I told him that I needed some distance because it was too difficult. The talk went in the direction of working on the marriage and he seemed to think that he was working on it. I told him that I felt that working on the marriage would mean going to counseling together. At the end of the talk he committed to going to counseling with me. We started Emotion Focused Couples Therapy in March.

It has been very difficult because this type of therapy has required me to remain open. The monstering stopped after about 6 weeks of therapy, but he told our therapist it was because he just cared less. He didn't feel hope for a future with me, but he wanted to try.

There were times where he connected and times he grew more distant. I crashed and burned and regained strength time and time again. I grew. I learned more about myself.

We both had issues from our past that affected our marriage and the therapist was helping us work through them and understand each other's perspectives.

My H didn't go the route of infidelity. He sought out connection with friends and hobbies and left me in the dust.

Two weeks ago everything changed. I was at the end of my rope. It was hard. H was out partying with friends until 3am and I was alone yet again. I cried out to God for help. I literally came to the end of myself and had little left to fight. That night when H was away, God gave me the idea to watch the movie War Room. It totally changed my perspective. I gave up on fighting for my marriage and gave it all over to God. I let Him fight for me.

That night when H came home he got ready for bed and then went downstairs to sleep on the couch as usual. But this time he said "goodnight" I didn't remember the last time he said that. Small thing, but it was nice to hear.

Instead of focusing on how to fix my marriage, I spent my time praying for my husband, my marriage, my family, and strength. I started listening to Christian music that spoke of God's might and power. I trusted him to fight for me.

The next day as our family was on an outing, he held my hand. Wow! When was the last time he did that? Two weeks earlier I attempted to hold his hand and he pulled his away and told me that couples with problems don't do that!

The next day he held my hand as well. He was also coming to bed in our room each night now. He was connecting more and one night after H and I had some fun, laughter, and time together he told me that sometimes he misses his old self. Cue jaw drop.

He loves music and over the past 2 weeks I heard changes in his music selections. They were no longer so dark and one night he even put on some praise music.

It has been amazing to see God at work here. Then yesterday we had another therapy session and he started off the session by saying that he was tired of trying to find happiness away from me - that it was work. He figured that he might as well work on our relationship if trying to find happiness away from me was so much work.

He told the therapist he loved me and that he didn't want to live his life without me and that I was good for him. Tears were in his eyes. He is cautious about our future, but he wants to try.

We have a LONG way to go in therapy, but I'm praising God here. This wasn't me. I just let go and trusted him to fight for me. He did and He is.

Just wanted to share in case it is helpful for someone.

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I'm glad you returned to post an update. Both of you have a long journey ahead of you, but w/the help of a counselor, your marriage can be saved. I do hope and pray that the wounds will heal and the both of you can find your way back to each other and can enjoy many years of happiness together.




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