Am I doing things wrong?

[peacetoday]

Hi

I think they blame their spouse because we are the closest and right here
Many of them will not think the issue may be with their unresolved childhood..that may be too painful to sort through
they seek fun and freedom -and the family and kids are too much responsibility
they revert back to a younger time..
IN MLC it is called replay
they may dye their hair, get new clothes, new hobby, motorcycle, car
new younger friends..they tend to spend a lot of money
sometimes the spouse, only knows the responsible H, so this new irresponsible person that he is changing into is hard to understand
so even if he was super good with money, I would check the credit cards regularly

I was shocked to see how much money my xh was spending

you do sound very strong , and grounded and ready for the ride
it may be a long one.. but most LBS wind up stronger and well taken care of
Try to focus on you and the kids
as you find new activities and friends, he may become curious to the new you
you can be kind and cordial
no relationship talks
good luck

[job]

As peacetoday pointed out, we are the closest to them at this time. Also, at the beginning, they aren't looking to the past to figure things out. When they enter the crisis, we are there front and center and since they are so unhappy, then we must be the problem. They begin to look at us as the authority figures in their lives, i.e., mom or dad. Like teenagers, they tend to resent us and that when rebellion comes into play.

When replay begins, you will see a different side to your h. He will become the mirror image of the man you knew (exact opposite). He may dress differently, dye/cut his hair, grow facial hair, manscape, drink, gamble, do drugs, etc. His taste in clothes and friends will change. In fact he could very well morph into a total teen lifestyle. Body piercings and tattoos tend to be popular w/some of them. Their taste in the opposite sex will be totally different from you. Many of them will affair down so, please do not compare yourself to her. She is nothing more than a band aid during his crisis.

As for spending, well, many of them spend money like it's going out of style. Credit card bills soar and they really don't have much in the way of sense when it comes to paying their bills. Do not rely on him for anything, especially paying the bills for you and your family. You will need to keep a very close eye on your financials. In some cases, they become very selfish w/their money and time.

All of these things are done to make them feel better for a short period of time. When something doesn't work, they'll find something else to try until one day, they finally either hit bottom or they face their issues.

Do not believe anything he tells you. They are very good at lying during the crisis. They will tell you what they think you want to hear and then do something totally different. Actions speak louder than words. Watch his body language.

For now, no more relationship talks. Leave him to his space and time. The less you aggravate him w/talks or w/what you think he should or shouldn't be doing the best. He needs to focus on himself in order to heal. Keep your expectations at zero at all times because if you are expecting him to do things the way he use to do them, you will be sadly disappointed, angry and/or resentful of him. Why? The old version of your man is now out the window for a long time. You will need to learn to accept him for who he is today.

Bottom line, this is the time for you to work on yourself. Do the things that you've put off for ages, rediscover yourself and if you have things that you want to change/improve for yourself, by all means, do them. But, the changes you make are for you and they must become permanent and not just to try to win him back.

Keep the focus on you and your family as you are now the only adult in their lives for now that they can rely on.

[Esweet]

I'm on the second day of detachment and already today my H has done a couple of out-of-the-ordinary things. I left this morning with our only car to get some milk because I see he used up most of it last night and I needed some for breakfast for the kids. We had snow in the night so as I was cleaning off the car he came out wondering what I was doing. I told him that I was just going to the store and let him know that I could handle dusting off the car. He put up a fuss about the wiper blades because he said I didn't know that they had messed up last night. I let him fix it and then left. When I came home he was in the driveway shoveling the snow. Then after I dropped him off work he sent me a text to drive safe. I didn't text back. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes upstairs tonight wanting to watch a show with me.

I've been doing lots of reading and this detachment thing has been more than the action of detachment. I feel like I want to detach - like I need space too. Is that what others have gone through?

I don't want to watch something with him tonight. I'd rather read some more and get my head together. Should I encourage this time together right now? If not, what should I say when he asks?

[Esweet]

I took down all of the wedding pictures today. H (pre mlc) loved displaying lots of our wedding pictures in frames in our house. It is too hard for me to keep seeing them up all over the place. I've been looking at them since the first BD 3 months ago and they look back and me and laugh. H is sure to notice.

[Esweet]

I've been reading a lot of the referenced threads and I discovered that I have been a big pursuer. I would always drop everything and do what H wanted. I would ask him what he needed and do it. I always put his needs and wants above my own.

This morning he asked me to do something for him. Instead of jumping to it, I finished what I was in the middle of doing and realized that I had to will myself to not drop everything for him. That surprised me that I had such an automatic response to drop everything for him.

This detachment has been enlightening and it is only on the 2nd day.

Today he asked me twice about my day and then wanted me to come watch some shows with him. I told him that I had something planned for the night, but maybe the next night. He said he bought me some ice cream too.

I think this is a big dynamic for us. I thought doing nice things for him and putting him first was a good thing to do. But it seems like too much of a good thing isn't so good.

Back to reading...

[Esweet]

I also realized today that I have been doing a lot of inserting of my H into my conversations with my kids.

My kid might tell me something and I would often tell him/her that he should tell Daddy about that or I would praise their Dad to them often. Or I would give H credit for something that was mostly me. Or not decide on something to do with my kids until I checked with H.

I'm the one with the strong relationship with my kids. He does not and I've attempted to help that along. He and my youngest child are quite attached, but H doesn't like my preteen and teen. He thinks they are not cool (they are on the nerdy side). He also thinks they reject him because they don't talk to him much or respond to him much. He doesn't get that they are at an age where they aren't so chatty with parents. He sees them with me and is envious. Sometimes he has made comments that leads me to believe he is in competition with me. Crazy. He used to be so close to his older kids (now 12 and 14). He has pretty much checked out of their life for years. The last few months he has made a few attempts to connect, but has not been successful. Just yesterday, he made some political comments to the 14 year old as he watched a political debate. The 14 year old just listened. H threw up his hands and left the house.

Something has shifted in me and I'm not inserting H into conversations with my children now. And tonight when my son desired to take a nerdy vacation, I didn't dismiss it. I thought it might be fun to do with him sometime - without H.

[Esweet]

Last night after I told H that I had planned on doing something else and that maybe we could watch something together the next day, he went downstairs for about an hour or so. Then he came upstairs with his computer and sat down near me. I was reading on this site so I shifted my computer where he couldn't see the screen. He asked me what I was doing and I told him that I was reading. He wanted to know what I was reading and I said stuff. He said "whatever!" and about 5 minutes later he closed down his computer and left.

20 minutes later he was back in the bedroom where I was and he proceeded to dye his hair. I quit reading and went to bed.

I understand the persuer and distancer is big in our relationship, but I don't get this really. Why does he want to hang out with me? We had been having (what I thought) was lots of fun hanging out together in the last month or two, but then he told me a few days ago that he couldn't even think about attending a concert with me in 4 months.

Is he trying to suck me back into a pursuer role? I don't think I can do that now. I've been realizing that the times he has been happiest in our marriage and in our relationship are the times when I've been the most independent.

[job]

When you begin to distance yourself from him, i.e., you change the way you interact w/him or do things for him, he'll make attempts to get you sucked back into the game. For example, you preferred to read last night...so what did he do...he plopped himself down right beside you and asked what you were doing...it was obvious that you were reading something. When you didn't jump up and tell him, he closed down his laptop and left. You will discover that they do things to get you sucked back in. One time, he could be very nice in the way he tries and the next time, he could go all out monster on you. Whatever you do, stay the course. The less you react to his comments and behavior, the better.

The more you work on yourself and do things for yourself, the more curious he will get. If he does something nice, thank him. They love to have their egos stroked and get kudos when they've done something for you. Just remember, he's trying to find himself and where he fits in w/the world at this time.

As for your children, he may feel some resentment/jealousy towards the kids because they are getting your attention. This is very typical behavior during this time. Eventually he may select one child to be his best bud. It is usually the child that doesn't question him on what he's doing.

I'm going to suggest that you read HaWho's threads. Her h is still at home living in the "dorm" room and acting out. She has seen several personalities come out to play and she's doing a terrific job of dealing w/her now H who is acting like her third son.

[Esweet]

Thanks Job. You have been very helpful. I'll check out HaWho's threads.

On the first BD, he declared that he would do anything to maintain his relationship with one child and said nothing about his other kids

[Cristy]

I've been realizing that the times he has been happiest in our marriage and in our relationship are the times when I've been the most independent.

Hello Esweet,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

The statement you make about him being happiest when you are the most independent is interesting. When are YOU the happiest? When is your family the happiest? Focusing your time, effort and energy on yourself and your kids is key to detachment and moving forward in a positive way.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004