My H father died in November 2014. After that he started to change. He started guitar lessons and singing lessons with the dream of becoming a rock star. He hung out with new friends who enjoy drinking. He (we) previously had dreams of being in full-time ministry.
He had been depressed on and off for the previous 10 or so years. Changes in location seemed to improve his mood. He came from an abusive background with a mom who was physically and emotionally abusive and a dad who was disengaged. He hates his job and the only times he has really been happy is when he hasn't been working and I've supported us.
11/10/15 was the first bomb drop. He told me that he was thinking of moving out and he resented the fact that he was the sole provider. He said he felt lonely and didn't want to go see a MC.
The next day he said he wanted to talk. He told me that he loved me and didn't want to leave. He said he would go see a counselor. Although he attempted to set up appointments, he never did see anyone then.
This shock caused me to make some changes. I normally worked from home at night, but decided to change the structure of my day to have free time at night. He was upset at first, but was fine when I explained that I was doing it for me because I had never wanted to be a workaholic. I work part-time from home, have a few side websites, and homeschool my 3 children. My work income pretty much only covers my student loan and my children's education right now.
Second bomb drop was 1/1/16 He told me that he was thinking of moving in with his mom to see if he would miss me. His mom is close to needing a nursing home and is delusional and he had been going to see her once a week since his father died. She lives 1.5 hours away so this is no small thing. I told him that I don't think we are recoverable if he moves out. He backtracked and said it was just an idea. He told me that he loves me but the love he has for me is much less than how much I love him. He said he feels empty inside. He said he has been trying for 17 years to make our marriage work and that we probably rushed into marriage. I urged him to go talk with a therapist
The next day he called me from work and asked me to go out to dinner with him. He told me that he was trying. At dinner he proudly shared his teenage adventures doing foolish things
I'm on survival mode here. I started to talk with a pastor at my church, but I was getting advice like send him love notes, have date nights, and go shopping. I contacted a ministry couple that are good friends. I asked them to give him a call and to keep attempting to call him if he didn't respond. They never called. H's family would not be helpful and mine wouldn't either.
I don't know any of his new friends and H talks about two different worlds. He doesn't like to be home. He hasn't cheated on me and tells me I've been an awesome wife and that he has nothing to complain about there. It is just that he feels empty and I think he feels that he needs to change things to stop the pain. In January he went away with friends for a long weekend and spent it drinking and eating well. Money is tight so this made things more difficult for him money-wise when returning home.
I also started to take an interest in what my H likes. I listen to music with him at night and ask him for album recommendations that I listen to while I work. We watch his shows together and he will often curl up with his head in my lap.
In the previous year he had taken to sleeping on the couch a lot. I got used it to him being gone and was in denial. Now he comes to bed when I do usually.
He started seeing a therapist in January and he said she is helping him understand himself better. He has never felt inner happiness and she is working with him on that. He has a very low self esteem and a very critical inner voice.
Last week he told me a revised version of our marriage by telling me that our marriage wasn't healthy for most of our marriage. He said the therapist is helping him resolve his issues and his therapist said she would help him even if it meant he would leave us. After 4 therapy sessions he said he still feels the same.
A few days ago I asked him if he cheated on me and he told me no, not even close. He was bothered by that question because he slept on the couch and he asked me the next morning why I asked him that. I told him that I didn't have the courage to ask it sooner.
I am devastated - to put it mildly. I cry almost every day and some days I don't want to get out of bed. My H doesn't see this though. I hide it quite well. My H says he feels loved. I haven't felt loved for years.
I read about detachment, but I'm concerned about that. I was detached on and off during his depressive episodes and I think it made things worse between us.
I want to talk to a therapist, the same one that D goes to, but money is tight and my part-time job is giving me no work right now. I'm waiting about a month until Ds sessions will be spread out because he used up all his allotted insurance money.
My biggest issue is the attachment. I'm on a cordial basis with my family because they seem to be only capable of a surface relationship and I need depth. It seems as that is what I have now with H and it is killing me. At least I know we had an intensely deep relationship once so there is something we can get back to.
My H and I are both highly sensitive and deep.
I have the ability to get a good paying job, but that would create much upheaval in my children's lives right now. When I mentioned to H about how I worked as a sole provider to support us for many years when he mentioned that he resented being the sole provider, he said that I was just a better person than him.
I've been married almost 18 years and my H is ready to walk away. He is nearly 50 and his dad died over a year ago. This set him into a tailspin where he changed so much.
He was away from home a lot, drinking much more, hanging out with younger people, taking up new hobbies, and pretty much checked out on his family and me. We have 3 children. I thought he might be going through something (mid-lifey) so I gave him space. In November he told me that he was thinking about leaving me. He said he was lonely. I was devastated. I thought he might be depressed and I suggested that he get counseling. The next day he told me he loved me and that he didn't want to leave and that the problem was with him. He attempted to make a counseling appointment, but there was no follow-through. I made changes and instead of working in the evenings, I started being in the same room with him. That led to us watching shows together or hanging out together.
January 1st - He told me that he loved me, but nothing like how I loved him and that he probably made a mistake marrying me He also suggested that he leave. I told him that I didn't know if we were recoverable if he left. The next day he told me that he loved me and that he was going to try. He started seeing a counsellor that is helping him come to terms with who he is. He has struggled with work-wise issues for many years and has a history of childhood abuse.
Valentines - (Making holidays memorable here!) After being intimate he told me that he doesn't like having sex because he doesn't want to give me false hopes, but he has needs. OMG I was pretty zen with this statement from him and remembered that I wasn't supposed to believe what he says. He pretty much told me that counseling was helping him, but it was doing the opposite with us. He refused to go together and told me that he has been trying to work on our relationship, but there is nothing there.
My questions...I know I need to detach here. I've never one refused him sexually in all our years of marriage. After his statement last night, I think I need to put a stop to things there until he is willing to work on us. Right?
How does detachment look different from indifference? I started hanging out by myself after the first bomb drop and he had no idea why.
He has made several statements that lead me to believe that the time I'm spending with him or the things I do for him are interpreted as pursuing so I know I need to stop them. Should I tell him that I'm giving him space to figure out his life?
I don't believe he is having an affair. I asked him and I do believe he was telling me the truth.
How do you find the strength to get through this stuff? How long does this last?
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome to the MLC Forum. Youl will find that we are all at various stages along the path of MLC.
Now, to answer some of your questions. First, I would agree that his father's death helped to flip him over into MLC. Generally, 18-24 months prior to the bomb drop something happens, i.e., death in the family, illness, birth of a child, promotion, etc.
They do think about leaving for a while and will state that they've been thinking about it. Keep in mind that they've detached from us quite a while before we come to realize that they are in MLC.
Here's a link to detachment. I think you will discover that detachment is far different than indifference:
You will need to read up on the dance of pursuit and distance. Yes, in his mind, he thinks that you are doing all of these things to be w/him to try to convince him to stay and try again. Actions speak louder than words and no, I wouldn't tell him that you giving him space to figure things out. In fact, what you should do is show him that you are continuing to do things for yourself and leave him to his thinking, etc. Yes, I know you want to do things w/him, but maybe you need to step back just a wee bit and give him the space he needs.
If he is having an affair, he will not necessarily tell you. Most of them do have someone that they talk to or see. It could be a fantasy woman and he thinks she likes him or it could be someone who has been kind to him...but I would watch the financials, i.e., bank accounts, credit cards and phone bills.
How do we have the strength to get through this stuff? As you travel the path, you will learn to detach, become more independent and stronger. You will learn to dig deep for patience as this trip is not for the faint of heart. It is not a sprint, but a marathon and you will need to dig very deep for patience. There will be days when you will want to toss in the towel and say "I quit", but you may feel differently the next day.
How long does a MLC last? It will last as long as it takes for him to resolve his childhood issues, face them, accept that he was not at fault and grow up. Some take 2-7 years and others take longer and then you have some that never come out of the crisis. For now, I would allow him the space and time he needs to figure himself out. Be kind to him, treat him as a friend. Listen, validate and affirm his actions if he does something that requires recognition. Do not offer up your advice and/or opinions unless he asks for them. Do not tell him that he is depressed, as they do not think that they are.
Try to keep the focus on YOU! Leave him in God's hands for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One last thought...your h could be having an emotional affair w/someone. He could be talking to her on the phone or in chat rooms or it could be someone in his office. Or, he could be one of those MLCers that travels the path alone. Work or a new hobby could be his focus and not someone of the opposite sex. They don't necessarily all hook up w/someone...but a large majority of them do.
For now, sit quietly and observe. Don't ask a lot of personal questions and try to stay away from relationship talks. If he talks to you, listen and validate. Time will tell on whether or not he's flying solo or not.
Again, keep the focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did tell him that I was giving him some space to figure out his life though. He wondered what that meant. In short, I said he does his thing and I do my thing. He then told me that he liked doing some stuff with me and I told him that he would have to ask to do those things. I would not be asking. I'm thinking that maybe sometimes when he asks I should be busy with my own thing though.
I have a strong faith in God. My H used to. He was a minister and we were preparing/planning on moving to Asia as a family to do ministry. Now he doesn't even attend church. I had a little talk with my teen and preteen and told them that their dad was sad since his father died and he needed to do different things for awhile. That seemed to satisfy their questions as to why their father was no longer attending church. I don't know what else to tell them. It isn't like they are hearing any fighting.
At this time I doubt there is another person. He does tend to have lots of friends who are female and he works with an office full of females. His best friend at work is female too. I don't know about an EA. Only time will tell.
Why do they blame spouses? He is chummy with his mom who was a very big part of the abuse of his past.
Esweet, welcome to the board and sorry you are here. Your timeline sounds similar to my. We were also married for almost 18 years before the BD, and H’s Dad passed away about 1 year prior BD. My son was already an adult at that time though.
You will get a lot of advice and support here. Just keep posting, so you could get off moderation. Yes, like job said, the first thing to do is detach. It is hard, but it is a necessary step in order to get through this MLC crisis.
Read the homework that Cadet posted, it will give you a lot of information about MLC. Job gave you an excellent “introductory” advice. As for the sex, there were different opinions on this. I’m not an expert, but I would say that if it feels right for you, you can go for it.
Take care of yourself.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Day 1 of detachment and something weird already happened.
Tonight I fed the kids and cleaned up the kitchen while my H slept on the couch. Once I was done I went upstairs for the night. I started work - doing something that I have been doing for years. As I was doing that my 7 year old D was giving me a "make-over" or should I say a cake-over. H came up the stairs carrying a purchased bottle of shampoo that had been sitting downstairs a few days. He put it in the bathroom and then brushed his hair, lol. I didn't give him any attention.
As he was leaving the room he asked me what I was doing. I don't remember the last time he asked that. I was doing something for my business that I have done every day for years. I have told him about it and worked on it next to him umpteen times....and when I told him what I was doing it was like he had never heard of it before. What?????? Wow.
I also learned that it was good that I told my H that I was giving him space. I think he assumed that I was angry at him this morning before I told him that I was giving him space. He seemed much more relaxed after I told him.
