Well, its fitting that my old thread is about maxed out...especially after last night.
WAH and I had the dreaded R talk - it was awful. Started with me begging, just desperately asking him to try again. I kept going around in circles which he hates but I know I was trying to wear him down to get him to change his mind...I think maybe I've been convincing myself that I could love him again, that I wanted us together knowing how easy it's been for us to hurt each other.
So much was said - so much I didn't fully understand, but do now. He told me that he felt guilty about leaving me behind and D4 behind because of his job, he didn't want us to always be waiting for him which we would be. He wants to be the best in his field (so happy to hear this) and he can't do that if he has to put us first. He's very career minded right now, clearly. He explained the bond he has with his coworkers because he's with them for long periods of time and that makes it harder to want to come home - if he had the chance he would have stayed away for a long time. He said he's been loyal which I believe, but he's had a wandering heart. He knew that it was over between us when he actually considered cheating (painful) because he truly felt nothing. He wants someone that does the work that he does, because he feels like I can't understand (he's never given me the chance). He also wants time to find and figure himself out (I want that for him too). He made it very clear, there's no future, he doesn't want me and he just wants to move forward (absolutely heartbreaking to hear) with his life and mine separate. He doesn't want me to drag my feet, but he wants to give me time to get my own life on track. He is willing to give us all the money we need...
I threw some of my own jabs - him treating us family like we're garbage, like he can just dump us off and run, or throw money at us. The fact that I'm left with all of his abandoned responsibility which he said didn't matter because he would be gone so much with his job (logical). I knew that when he accepted the offer though. I threw a few more, I got angry and left at 5 am after he left me naked in the middle of the room because he was "trying" to feel something but he just couldn't..couldn't let himself. I think for the first time last night I got it, because as much as I wanted him I didn't feel it either. I told him I hated him, that he doesn't care, I threatened to just leave...and leave D4 with him full time, to see how he could juggle his career and her like I would have to.
So, where am I going with this R? I'm going to be his best friend. I'm going to detach, GAL, 180...the drill. Time isn't on our side because he leaves for another 6 months in less than 90 days. Either way, I can't change the past. I can't change his decisions. Maybe I'll sleep better knowing that he has no hope for a new M. Deep down in my heart I hope that time will bring us together again, but my crystal ball was wrong once...so it's not very trustworthy anymore. Funny how one mistake poisons the future for some. At least it's that way for my H. He said that he knows too much now, and he won't let himself get closer to me than as just a friend. He said that we have been friends for a while that have sex once and a while...I can't disagree. Things have been difficult, but they're not broken...for me. Unfortunately, H doesn't feel the same way.
I'm not sure when I'll decide there's no hope. Maybe once it's official? Maybe when one of us is 6 feet under?
We're not in love. We both know this.
I would like to build that lasting love with him, he does not see the same.
I'm devastated yet relieved. I told him I hadn't been happy of a long time either, and I had to get that out because it's important for him to know that it isn't just him. He doesn't want to be a better H, whereas I want to be a better W.
Can't really make someone change that about themselves. In a way I feel sorry for him. The scars he'll carry around will last a lifetime, and will color his world in ways he'll never fully understand. While I may hurt, I will be working on myself to be a better person walking this planet and the next man who I decide to spend my life with will be really lucky and because of that work, I will heal.
We got literally zero sleep last night and the movers are going to be at our house, so that'll be rough with D4 who's a busy body.
It's even harder for me because he seems so relieved. I listened, affirmed, and forgave him but I still feel empty. Empty and rejected.
Last edited by Cadet; 02/12/1609:12 AM. Reason: fix link
So I couldn't follow your past but reading thru the present I would like to say I am sorry
I don't have the background but just from what I read it sounds like he is more concerned with his job and career than his family/you which is sad. More importantly for you....it is amazingly selfish especially with a young daughter
Someone who is that selfish is not worth your heart. One day, whether short term or longer term, he will wake up and maybe have the regret of a lifetime.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Oh my sweet roar, I am very sorry to hear this. My H said awful things to me as well. They hurt and burn and make you feel empty.
I try not to believe him when he says mean things ( sometimes I do wonder if it is really true but maybe I'm in denial. I dont know.)
You are a strong, beautiful inside and out, caring person. I may not know you but I can tell from how you write and how we interact.
I think your plan sounds good, to try to connect as best friends until he leaves. Maybe that is what you guys need. To be friends like you were in the beginning. That is my new approach. Show him life with me isnt going to be miserable, try to remind him of the girl he used to love.
I am still here for you,as always <3
I have no idea When to give up hope. Someone told me it is When You are completely fine 100% with the divorce or being married. When You truly could care less either way. But i think You are suppose to just know?
And all he wants to do today is plan for the D - aka how to get rid of me ASAP. Just last night he said he'd give me time, then I have an emotional day today and he's pissy. Ugh. I see what you guys have been going through with this back and forth of the alien BS.
He thinks it'll be too awkward to live together...gooo figure. We haven't even fully moved out of our old house yet and he's trying to force my future. This once sweet kind man...looks at me with frustration and disgust if I show the smallest of human emotions. Seriously, he's an alien.
Thats why it's so important to "act as if" you are going to be just fine. Dont act cocky, act like you have a quiet confidence that you know you'll be ok. Show him no emotion as you see how he reacts to it.
Today is a day that I don't know what I would do without this board. Thank you Thornton & Red, I've been thinking about you girl!
You know, it dawned on me that H and I really do need to build a friendship. I've felt more kindness from virtual friends than I have my own H. That's a tough pill to swallow. Really tough.
H appologized for getting frustrated with me - he really just wants things to be pleasant, and friendly and me having an emotional day and pushing him away made him feel like that wouldn't happen. Funny, one moment and he's hot/cold.
I still have a small glimmer of hope, but more than that despite how selfish I feel like he is being, I see the good in this man. I see his need to find himself, and his desire for me to find myself. We got together young in the military...deployed a few times, had D4...special needs child...high stress new job for H. I see it now, from his POV and I honestly respect his feelings. I don't think I truly, honestly, deep down have before. I know I said it to ease the conflict in my heart, and maybe convince myself that this couldn't be my life and it couldn't be happening to us. I have the gift of time, from this day forward since he can't file until it's been 6 months after we move.
My work in the 6 months will be on our friendship and on myself. I told him I want him to work on his relationship with D4 because he has distanced himself. He agreed whole heartedly.
Hard, emotionally trying day.
Our moving situation is up in the air as he wants a small place so we can better utilize our single income. My next challenge will be working with him on our finances, and really sticking to a budget that we agree on for myself and D4. We talked briefly about cars/alimony/child support. I think he felt relieved that my reasonings were logical and not driven by money.
You have 6 montha love. That is a good chunk of time to work on you and see what happens. You have 90 days before he leaves to make a good impression. I have great faith in you !!
H is looking for apartments because he thinks it'll be easier to "split" from - aka him moving out is what he said. Okay by me, his circus his monkeys. He says it all with so much confidence, that he's so sure. I'm the one that is pained with the idea that it's a big mistake, that it's too soon, that we didn't even try.
I can't change his mind with my words, I know it'll take action...and I still struggle with the fact I'm holding on for the wrong reasons (fear) because he's all I know and all I want to know. I thought about dating again, all the baggage, the idea of being left again, never really knowing how stupid people can be. I don't want any of that. :| not something I need to be worrying about now, but a thought nonetheless
Hey Red! I need to go check in on you here soon. I do have 6 months and then some! I am thinking I will stay wherever we go and not rush off because I do want to see if this can grow again into something more...still 180 and GAL.
This morning I did a little GAL myself, and went out for coffee with a friend. H was crabby this morning, he just seemed irritated with me for...existing. So, I brushed it off and just went on with my day.
I got back from this outing and we had another finances talk - my plan is to go back to school for a year, get my vocational nursing cert and work from there finding a job. I have a BA - but I will make more money going to school than having a job so our joint plan was to use that income as extra to pay off our debt. That means, for me...instead of building a nest egg, I have to trust the H not to F me in the A when I'm looking for a job and he has to support me....probably sounds really dumb, but I know it'll be okay...
For the past few days since he's been back it's been a whirlwind of emotion and figuring things out at lightning speed - he's seriously thinking years ahead, and in only focused on what's in front of us: moving. It's been keeping me up at night because I'm just not there yet in my head, I haven't even moved into another home yet, or found a school for D4 or anything. All he's been thinking about is HIM.
Something happened today, for him. I started looking for a school program, told him it would take 12 months. Kept reminding him as nicely as I could that we have to think about D4 first, get that hurdle taken care of and then I'll start school. He seemed excited for me when the school called and the fact that I was seriously looking at medical programs which is my dream field. Well...
He appologized. He said he'd been only thinking about what he wants, and he needs to be patient. He has to remind himself to think about what's best for D4 and the best way to get me on my feet. Again....none of what he says, half of what he does.
I opened up and spilled that he's never considered our D4 or helped me make decisions for her life, that's always been me since she was born and I hated that. I told him I need him to be there when he's here and to yes...consider her needs with me. I felt like I shouldn't have to say that, and I probably shouldn't have because I don't want him to fee inadequate but he already does, he's already aware.
After that conversation today, I've accepted that I said my peace and need to let it go. Let him change it. If he does, or doesn't nothing changes for me. I don't want to make him feel inadequate or unappreciated or any of that. I'm working on him seeing that I don't NEED him here but I WANT him here.
Another thing I realized is he feels extreme guilt for leaving often and being a stranger in his own home is very difficult for him. He doesn't know how we do things and I haven't helped him to figure it out at his pace with minimal help.
Ugh, so many realizations today.
So after he appologized he was typing away on his computer. I inquired (ugh) and he said he was writing an email to himself to remind himself of what he's promised me when he gets impatient.
This is a man who doesn't love me anymore, but it takes love to sacrifice "happiness" for a person. I've sacrificed my career and years to our D4 and him to give our family the flexibility for his job. I really feel like I deserve to get some sacrifice in return since this isn't the life/situation I wanted.
I'm trying not to be a cry baby here because I have an H who despite not wanting to be my H is still friendly, fun to be around, helpful and kind. He does want the best for me and D4 he just needs to slow down, which he realized on his own. I know he could tell that it's affecting everyone.
I do miss him though. He's on the couch next to me and I just want to BE with him. It's so hard. I know he wants the same from how he acts around me, but he's convinced himself that he will never go backs
He reads our old messages from the fallout of the bomb drop to remind himself - that's what he said - to remind himself of the demon that he can force out of me by telling me the horrible crap he has.
He had a moment today where he started to cry because he said we're becoming better people, and it's because we don't love eachother anymore. He thinks we held eachother back and I wouldn't have lived my life if he didn't throw the D or ILYBNILWY bomb. When in reality, we JUST got over the hump. New location, new job for him that keeps him home longer, no more multiple therapies for our daughter. Smooth sailing in my mind! This was what we were waiting for to fix things, at least make them better. He thinks it's a lack of love that's the reason for my 180s and GAL.
I don't know how to help him see that he's not considering the whole picture. Just the pieces that fit for him at the time.
Keeping with the 180s and GAL I'm doing good...but it's still hard. All of it.
