I don't know where to start. I've been married to my wife for 16 years, we are in our mid 40's, have three boys and have fought on and off for years but over the past few months has gotten worse. The past few weeks leading up to last night things have escalated to complete disrespect. My wife told me the other day that she no longer is attracted to me and this is based on my not listening to her needs and my defensiveness to name a few. We still live together and up until last night have slept in the same bed (not touching each other of course) but this is the first time that I feel like I've completely emotionally lost her. The things she was saying to me and how she said them made me cry (and still cry when I repeat in my head). Telling me she was no longer attracted to me was like sticking a dagger in my heart. I've been trying to just let the negative comments towards me roll off and stay positive and give her compliments and text messages etc but last night she was drinking (so was I) and when we went to bed her resentment came out in full force. I didn't react initially but eventually I could not take it anymore and started to defend myself which made things worse. We have our first marriage class scheduled for two weeks from now (couldn't get in any sooner) but last night she said cancel it. I don't know what to do, what to say, she is angry and resentful. I probably shouldn't say anything but I probably owe an apology for some of the remarks I made in my defensiveness but I they will fall on deaf ears.
There hasn't been an affair or anything like that but more of me not listening to her over the years (she's not an easy person to get along with - very opinionated). I feel like the resentment and bitterness has replaced any of the love she once had for me. Is it too late to fix this? Feels like it is.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I was in the exact same position as you back in September last year. Listen to her, apologize, and keep your mouth shut about how you are feeling and don't get upset in front of her. Read those links carefully that Cadet posted. You got here early enough that the links might give you a good chance of working things out. When I was going through what you are now going through, I didn't have this website to help me out. I begged, pleaded, cried, all of it drove her away further. Don't make the same mistake many of us here have made.
M41 W39 D3 Open Marriage Request by W 6/15 BD 9/15 1st EA 10/15 2nd EA discovered: 1/16 I moved out: 1/16 2nd EA blew apart 2/16 PA 4/16 I've had enough, filing for D
James, what you wife is telling you are things you have done in the past to lead her to feeling like she does now. However, I believe there is much more that she's not telling you. Whenever a woman doesn't want to tell the true reason for her loss of attraction and respect.....she will tell her husband what use to be the reasons.
Please stop chasing her. Stop texting her throughout the day. No begging, pleading, crying, etc. There is so much to tell you, but can't do it all in one post. First thing, read Divorce Remedy and the links Cadet sent you. It is information you need to put in your tool box.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Is Divorce Remedy a better suited book for my situation than Divorce Busting?
I wish there where digital formats of the book - I can't get a physical copy of the book delivered to the house without my wife seeing it (the irony!). I'll figure out a way to get the book but my problem right now is I'm studying for a professional designation exam every spare minute so I won't be able to read the book for 3 weeks most likely. To help me get through the next few weeks, is there an outline of the things I should and shouldn't be doing so I don't do something stupid (like breakdown in front of my wife)? We have our first marriage counsellor session on Tuesday so will post back to let you know how that goes.
Since my last post, I asked to speak to my wife and we talked and settled things down a but and she did say she feels there is a chance for us otherwise she would have moved out already. She did reiterate that she is just not attracted to me right now. For Valentine's day I wasn't sure what to do so I got her a nice card with a nice note I wrote in it thanking her being there over the years, some flowers and made her breakfast in bed. As I expected, none of it made much of an impact but I was prepared for that. As my wife said, this isn't going to get fixed overnight and I'm ok with that. I just need to know what I should and shouldn't be doing so that I can get things going in the right direction now. I do feel that the more attention I give her, the more I apologize to her etc the more it empowers (reinforces) her belief that she is doing the right thing by pulling back and putting a wall up. We are still sleeping in the same bed but just sleeping That said, we are talking and interacting day to day fairly well but obviously nothing more than that so it's a good place to start - I'll try not to screw that up!
Again, if you have a Coles Notes of Divorce Remedy to get me by that would be very helpful to get my by. I'll definitely be buying the book though.
So what am I supposed to do? If I don't change anything she'll think well, nothing is changing, right? It's true though, the more I give the more she seems to pull back so I guess I do need to temper that but I don't understand what I am supposed to be doing exactly. Going about my own business, working out (helps a lot), studying for my exam, taking care of myself is all fine but if this is all that I do she will think I am ignoring her - even if I talk to her normally etc. One of her beefs is that I don't do enough to help out around the house so I'm trying to help out a little more but reality is it's not a lot anyway. She was feeling sick today so I made her lunch (I don't cook much).
I had been following the 37 rules but my wife felt I was ignoring her even though I told her I was giving her some space. I really don't know what she wants from me right now. All I know is she said she isn't attracted to me anymore and she certainly is acting that way. Our first marriage counselling session is tomorrow so I'll see what comes of that. The second and third sessions are one on one where we can each sort of spill our beans without fear of pissing the other one off (which is probably a good thing). I just feel that being myself isn't enough and that makes me sad. I work full-time and my wife works extremely part-time out of the house 0 - 10 hours a week but on average 5 hours a week. The kids are 11 and 13 and are gone all day so there is a lot of time in the day to do house chores before I get home. I know she doesn't like being responsible for all of it and I should try and take care of dinner more often and help more with the laundry as they are both thank-less jobs. Since we've been fighting I think she was thinking about the reality of being on her own and started apply for more work outside the house but still part-time but my fear is she'll feel resentful that she's had to do that (we have some financial stresses we are dealing with as well).
Anyway, every persons story is a little different as is mine. I'll keep posting and trying to elaborate further on things but I do appreciate the feedback.
That said, we are talking and interacting day to day fairly well but obviously nothing more than that so it's a good place to start - I'll try not to screw that up!