M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Have you ever attended a Codependents Anonymous meeting? They are very similiar to Al-Anon meetings for the families of alcoholics.
Support groups are great because no one judges you, they have all been there, and you don't feel so alone. I'd look into it if I were you.
Great, just what I needed. I get to be addicted to the one thing I can't have.
I haven't been to any of the meetings. I just now looked them up. Looks like the closest one is about an hour away. Sometimes it stinks being from a small town.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB...there is NO REASON for you to feel embarrassed about the things you shared. You did nothing wrong. I was thinking the same thing as Wonka but didn't want to come right out and say it... H sounds like he has issues above and beyond typical relationship problems or MLC, etc.
I understand now why you seemed resistant to earlier suggestions about H having unmet needs and what you might need to do to fix that. I'm sure your H *does* have unmet needs, however the problem with individuals with personality disorders like NPD is, they are generally not healthy needs, so it's typically not possible for any normal human being to meet them no matter how hard they try. The relationship is parasitic...they will feed off of you and take, take, take, but give you little or nothing in return. Often, you get just enough to keep you hanging on, but never to have your own needs met or be happy.
BTW...it is textbook behavior for individuals with personality disorders to be exceptionally charming in the beginning. It's their hook.
Sweetie, there is absolutely nothing for you to be embarrassed about here at all. We all are on a journey of growth, learning and evolving.
You might want to seek out an expert in NPD for a consultation or session in your area. I am not sure if your IC has the expertise in NPD or not. I just worry that you're taking all of this on thinking that it's your problem or it's your fault for not meeting H's so-called needs when it isn't actually the case at all. That has to take a toll on you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Those with NPD see their spouses and children as appendages to prop them up. As Anna said, they behave like a parasite living off from those near them to feed into their narcissistic supply. I am not saying this to scare you off, but to EDUCATE you since we are looking at your situation from the outside.
In all of my years on DB site, I've seen one LBS with a NPD H and she divorced him. That poster's screen name was MicheleTW. She's Betsey's (aka Underdog) good friend IRL. Now if my assessment is correct, then you're probably the second LBS whose spouse has true NPD.
I would encourage you to seek out a NPD expert to get his/her insights into your H by yourself.
I read your posts about things and started crying myself I know things are different for everyone but parts of your story resonate
if I go back to before marriage she was the best partner and friend around then later it started going downhill
I don't know about you but I can really see how when we were alone was so different to when family was around like you I'm a mess sometimes.
someone told me today she is on dating sites and I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I would have been better off not knowing. its been 3 months since ive physically seen her I feel like I got kicked to the curb and replaced like I meant nothing.
I don't tell anyone except my counsellor about things done to me, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. every one says be a man and aussie blokes are strong but it has affected me. I don know why I cant just stop feeling love and forgiveness and wanting things to change and reconnect. maybe I'm naïve.( co dependant?)
I don't know what to write except to say there a people who have been there. you are not alone .
MB, thank you for sharing. This is a situation that I agree you need to distance yourself from.
It's clear the way he has treated you has been inappropriate. That's as far as I care to go down that rabbit hole. My pet peeve is diagnosing WASs. I don't think it helps us. I suppose you could make an argument that it helps us detach to realize they're crazy or whatever, but in my time on these forums the vast majority of talking about their personality disorders, family of origin issues, etc, just results in focusing on their behavior. I'd put everything WAS related into a big box and just leave it alone for a bit. Just like IC is having you do. If you want to examine your interactions with him to learn about YOU, what YOU allowed, what YOU enabled, and why...great. But don't cross that line, it will make you crazy.
Because you have enough of your own issues to deal with, you don't need to borrow WAS's. It's clear controlling his behavior doesn't work. It's also clear that accepting sub-human treatment doesn't work. There is only one option left. Stay NC and work on you. Drop the rope. Detach. And move forward.
You've done a lot of GAL stuff, and I like that you aren't burning bridges by finding another person or something, and I like that you're doing 180s...it's the dropping the rope that I can tell you're resisting. That's ok. This doesn't have to be an overnight thing. It can be a process. But somehow or another you need to keep moving forward and having faith that you'll be ok with or without WAH.
What worked for me was appreciation. I constantly reminded myself that if I couldn't find happiness with what I had, one crazy woman wouldn't make me all better. I hope you read that sentence closely, it took me a lot to figure that out, and that by itself was worth more to me than everything else I know put together. So please, count your blessings, find your happiness today, and achieve the distance you originally hoped to when you first moved out. You absolutely can do this.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
there are online coda meetings. there is a fb group called codependents breaking free....they can link you to the online meetings. They run twice a week.
That all said...I don't dismiss anything Wonka says either. Wonka, I am interested in your take on the value of diagnosing. Maybe I can learn something here as well. Thank you.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Read as much as you can about codependency and love addiction. I think it will help you.
Thank you Thornton. I already have book to read about codependency. That will get me started, and I will go from there. My counselor is working with me on this and he is relentless. .
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
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