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Hiya, MB.

Your friend, NYG, called me and asked if I'd mosey over here. Here I am! smile Let me take a look at your sitch and see how I can support you, sweetie.


MB,

I've read the last several posts where you described H's controlling behaviors.

Questions:

1-What was H like before you married him?
2-How long was your courtship before getting engaged?
3-What were the dynamics with the sets of children prior to marriage?
4-How and where did you meet H?

That will be all for now as I am interested in learning more about the backstory of your pre-M years.


Last edited by Cadet; 02/12/16 01:35 PM. Reason: merged posts
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Oh goodness, MB... The things your H has done to you are abuse, plain and simple. Even if he never laid a hand on you. I DO hope you are getting counseling for your own well-being. I really wonder if H is even capable of being in a healthy relationship right now, based on the things you've written. And as you already know, no matter how much we love someone, we can't fix or save them. They have to do it for themselves. But before that happens, they first have to realize their actions are wrong/hurtful and take responsibility for them. It does not sound like H has reached that place yet.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this.


Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

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Originally Posted By: Zues126

Boundaries and validation are good, but I think you nailed it with appreciation/feelings of importance.

How did you show appreciation? Where did you fall short? Why? What did H look for in terms of feeling appreciation (love languages)? Did he tell you he didn't feel needed or appreciated? Did he tell you what he needed from you to feel this? Was this why he left?


No, I do not believe this was the problem that caused him to walk away and start an A. And, no, he never told me what it would take to make him feel loved or appreciated. It sure would have helped though. He also didn't tell me that I didn't make him feel loved or appreciated.

After we moved out, he watched me struggle with money while he didn't. He never gave me money or offered to help me in any way. He expected me to do favors for him if he needed me to, but he didn't want to help me at all. I found our recently that he once gave my daughter $100 for school clothes when I couldn't afford them. She told me the money was from her birthday. He told her that if she ever needed help with money, she could come to him but not to tell me about it. He told her that he wasn't going to help me because he wanted me to fail so I would realize that I needed him. The thing is, I didn't need him for money. I WANTED him because I loved him. When she told me that, I began thinking that I had mistakenly made him feel unappreciated and didn't make him feel needed. I thought I was just being an independent woman, but apparently that was not what he wanted. I needed him for love, affection, companionship, and to feel safe and secure. I just didn't need him for money. I didn't realize that was a bad thing! I guess he needed me to need him in that way. Or, it could be just another thing that he said but didn't necessarily mean. He was constantly changing what he wanted from me. Constantly changing the rules. I was always confused because I would think I was doing what he wanted, but then it would change.

As for love languages, mine would be physical touch. As for H's, I'm not sure. I think it would be a combination of Quality time and words of affirmation. That is a new realization for me though and I am guessing because it's not something that H told me or responded much to. I did give him quality time. I also gave not quality time, and basically ALL of my time. I also did acts of service for him. I thought that's what he would have wanted, maybe I was wrong. He also got physical touch because that's what I needed but he didn't give me much of it so I would sit by him, lay my head on his chest, hold his hand, etc. just so I could touch him. Sometimes he would let me and sometimes he would sigh and get irritated because he was "just about to get up" and apparently I "have bad timing."
As for words of affirmation, I would tell him that he's smart, funny, that I know he works hard, that I appreciate it when he fixes something or takes time to do something for me, that he's a good dad, that I love the way he looks and so on. I might not have done it as much as I could have, but it is difficult when you get nothing in return. I did still they though. If he was ever down on himself, I would always try to pick him up and make him feel better.

I showed him appreciation by telling him that I appreciated it when he did something for me. I also cooked, cleaned and did his laundry. I left him cards, notes on the bathroom mirror, bought his favorite things when I was at the store, always tried to cook things that he liked, I would ask his opinion on things. Two years ago, I started on Feb 1st and put a small gift on his car (card, sign, cake balls, sucker, .....) every day until Valentine's Day. I tried so many different things to try to make him happy and to feel special. He just didn't really respond. I guess that means I was trying the wrong things? I haven't read the love language book, I've only read what others have said about it. ??I guess I was using the wrong love language on him.?

All of this brings me right back to what I said earlier. How can I change any of these things and show him if I'm never around him or talk to him.

I feel like I have shared way too much and feel so stupid for allowing myself to be treated this way. And yet, I still want to go back.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Originally Posted By: annab74
Oh goodness, MB... The things your H has done to you are abuse, plain and simple. Even if he never laid a hand on you. I DO hope you are getting counseling for your own well-being. I really wonder if H is even capable of being in a healthy relationship right now, based on the things you've written. And as you already know, no matter how much we love someone, we can't fix or save them. They have to do it for themselves. But before that happens, they first have to realize their actions are wrong/hurtful and take responsibility for them. It does not sound like H has reached that place yet.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this.

Hi Anna. Thanks for writing. Zues wanted to know more, he didn't know that I'm the person who can write almost as much as he can. smile He will probably be more careful of what he asks for next time. I've completely exposed myself and it's more than just a little embarrasing. The only blessing is that I don't know anyone from this list in person. Hopefully it will give someone the information needed so they can help me or someone else.

You are absolutely correct about my H. He does not take any responsibility for anything. He dumps all the blame in my lap and I let him do it. I am codependent at it's finest! H really seems to believe that he has somehow earned the right to treat people any way he wants. Possibly because of the abuse he suffered when he was younger? It's like he thinks because he's paid his dues, he has earned the right to pass it along to others. The incident when he woke us up, he still defends that action. He honestly seems to think that's normal behavior. And, everything that he does is because I somehow made him. Always my fault.

Yes, I am in counseling. I am no longer talking about my marriage when I'm there, I'm just working on me. I know that I seem to be broken inside. I know that this is not normal. I know that I need to improve my self esteem and learn to set boundaries. I just don't know how yet. I'm currently a work in progress. My fear is that I will fix myself and then when H comes back I won't want him. But then again, if I'm fixed, it won't be a fear any longer. For now it is though. My main goal at this time is to get my marriage back on track. Not the sick marriage that I have had, but the one where I used to tell my H that he is the sweetest man I know, and at the time it was true. That's what I want back. My second goal is to fix myself so that I am strong enough and okay to move on without him if I need to. I'm nowhere near there yet.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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MB,

Honey, after reading about your latest posts, I am more and more convinced that H has bona fide Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Not the usual chit bandied about here in the forums.

It looks like you are married to a man with a very deep-seated NPD. From literature, it is VERY hard to treat...if ever treatable. I am glad that you have IC, but I'd hate to see you prezeling over someone who really does not value you at all.

Google wikiHow on dealing with NPD.

This particular section fits your H you to a t based on what you write here:

Determine if it’s worth dealing with this person. This person has very little interest in listening to you and has a lack of interest in what your needs are.[5] Narcissists think they know more than others. Therefore, they see their decisions as the only logical answers to problems. Narcissists will expect that you will defer to their decisions. There will probably be power struggles or severe control issues in your relationship.

This person doesn’t seem to have an emotional investment in your relationship and becomes angry if there is a perceived criticism of any kind. He probably has a history of severing relationships over trivial causes.[7] If you are determined to maintain the relationship, how do you survive, and remain emotionally intact?

Determine if you cannot or will not walk away from this person in your life. If it’s a new acquaintance, it might be better to abandon the relationship.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are going have to ask yourself some serious questions.

1-Can H change?
2-Do you want to remain married to someone who does not value you at all?
3-What does that say about your own self-worth wanting to be married to someone who clearly mistreats you, minimizes you, and demeans you?


Last edited by Cadet; 02/12/16 12:32 PM. Reason: start a new thread message
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I was thinking the same exact thing, Wonka.

MB - have you spoken to your IC about codependency? I see that you are concerned that you have shared too much about your H with us that you worry we will not think highly of him and support you in reconciling.

Do you see how that is warped? Deep down, you know he is abusive, but you defend him.

I am the same way, MB. My issues stem from a fear of abandonment.

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Whoops - just noticed you mentoined you were codependent.

Needless to say, this would be a great time to work on this in therapy.

Does your H drink alot? Do drugs?

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Originally Posted By: Wonka
MB,
Questions:

1-What was H like before you married him?
2-How long was your courtship before getting engaged?
3-What were the dynamics with the sets of children prior to marriage?
4-How and where did you meet H?

That will be all for now as I am interested in learning more about the backstory of your pre-M years.


Wonka, thank you so much for taking the time to try to help me. I really appreciate it! I feel so lost and don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

Before we got married, I always told H that he was the sweetest man that I had ever known. And, at the time, it was true. He called and texted me all the time. We talked for HOURS on the phone ever day. He told me what a great person I am. When I would tell him something about my X, he would always say he didn't know how anyone could ever treat me that way. Always complemented me. Bought me little things. Liked to take me out. Tried to look out for me and protect me. Was so nice to my kids and told me that he wanted to be their dad. He always shaved and tried to look nice for me. I just can't really think of anything about him that was bad during that time.

This was our second engagement. I was also engaged to him when I was 18 and I broke off the engagement because I got tired of it being a long distance relationship. This time we were together for almost 2 years before getting engaged. During that time, we were always on the phone together and would see each other on weekends and I would also go see him whenever my XH had the kids for his visits.

As for the children, H has 2 kids and I have 4. We both had primary custody of our kids. His 2 kids were the same ages as my middle 2 kids. The kids didn't actually meet each other until about 4 months before we got married. They actually all got along well though. The played together and seemed to like each other. Well, all of them except for my youngest. His kids never fought. I mean not ever. In all the years that we've been together, I have never heard his kids argue, fight, call each other names, get mad at each other...nothing. I was freakishly weird. Never really knew what to make of it. Anyway, they liked my older 3 kids, but seemed to think that I had my youngest child specifically for them so they could pick on her and make fun of her. That was a constant source of tension around the house after we married and moved in together. But, as I said, they only met about 4 months before we got married and didn't see each other that often.

I met my H origionally when I was 16. I worked at a fast food place and he came in and ordered food and flirted with me a LOT. As it turned out, he had just graduated, but I knew his sister from school. My parents moved our family 8 hours away when I was 17. My we continued our relationship long distance for a year and a half and even got engaged. I broke off the engagement and eventually married someone else. He didn't contact me for 18 years, then called me out of the blue. We talked on the phone for a couple of months, then eventually met in person. It basically just went on from there. We were both married and unhappy at the time. His XW was an alcoholic and drunk all the time. My XH and I had been VERY happy for the first 10 years we wer married, then it's like he woke up one day and lost his mind. He became abusive and I was trying to get away from him.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. I'm not really sure how such a sweet man turned into the person that I'm married to, but I want the origional version back. I'm sure it's the version that he's showing to ow otherwise she would be running not chasing.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Is your signature updated? I'd love to help if I can but I'm not sure of your current status. Can you provide a quick bullet point synopsis at the beginning of your next thread of what has happened and where you are now? When people do that it's very helpful for others and allows us to get caught up quickly so we can offer relevant advice based on the most current information.



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Originally Posted By: Thornton
Does your H drink alot? Do drugs?


No, he doesn't do either. He stopped smoking for me 12 years ago and took up dipping. After BD, he took up smoking again. So now, he smokes and dips. He told me he did that because he was having a hard time dealing with things. He said it wasn't working though and the only other thing he could think of was to take up drinking. As far as I know he hasn't. I made an appointment for him to go see the Dr and he was put on antidepressants. Not sure if they're working or not because I'm never around him.

I am working to fix myself in counseling. I can't move on alone right now, I just can't do it. Eventually, I'm hoping to. If he's never coming back, I will have to be able to let go at some point. It isn't what I want though.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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