Hi, I posted my situation on the newcomers board but hoped for some advice here. My h and I had been together nearly 20 years. Married nearly 13 with s 10 and 7. I can appreciate in hindsight we were in a bit of a rut for a month or 2 but never expected this.
He came back from a funeral in March and obviously started withdrawin. Then in May says I'm unhappy I don't love you anymore. We don't talk, we don't do anything etc. Only 10 weeks previously he'd given me a card saying how he loved me more every single year.!!
There proceeded 3 months of hell. I shouted at him lots, he looked miserable constantly. Finally he said he wanted to separate mid August saying he was sick of the arguments. In 20 years we hardly ever argued!!
I kicked him out next morning. He rented a flat 40 minutes away.
In October kids come back from visiting him and mention a woman. He denies anything saying she is a work colleague.
Next day I look through his phone bill....same number being texted and rung since at least April. And this flat he'd rented was 3 mins from this work colleague.
He denied any wrong doing to my mum even when confronted with talking to someone else behind my back. Just a work colleague he says.
November I ring ow, leave message saying what is going on between her and my h. H rings next day asking why I'm ringing his work colleagues what I. Trying to find out.
H had kids so I rang kids that evening spoke to h and we had a row. H later txt so to say it is a shame I can't talk sensibly about his elation ships and he is going to talk to the kids.
Next day kids have to tell me that daddy has developed strong emotional feelings for a work colleague and he is seeing her. H argument is he tried to tell me the previous evening but I shouted !!!!!
Move forward to January he has moved in with her. H came over Tuesday and he acts as if we should all be amicable, for the kids!! Is this Mlc....should I even bother with divorce busting? He's moved I. With the (£)()&(?£))£). ,! This is what his dad did to him. Help
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
amlicable is good--for the kids better to not poison to kids against him.. the MLCer will choose the OW over his kids and his family of origin
Seek A lawyer for professional advice and protect your credit cards and accounts asap Detach from H ..He may be having another relationship, but you do not have to become friendly with him and OW..or approve go their choice It is all business at this point..friendly to a degree for the kids
IT is a choice and their are a few as to how to DB some LBS go dark..little contact some remain friendly and neutral to MLCer choices
few have any contact with OW
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Mia, Is there any point? I don't know, only you can decide that. MLC is not for the weak, it's a tough and grueling journey for the LBS and the MLC'er. The very best thing you can do for yourself is to work on yourself. Keep busy and try hard not to think about him. Easier said than done, I know
Hi Sorry your here. I think the toughest thing to grasp is that your H is gone In his head its over and he's now living his life for him.
You must do the same and live your life for you. You cannot control him or his actions.
Have you read the DB and DR books. ? Follow the advice on Cadets thread and it will give you an insight to Hs behaviour
Your question of if its worth it or not is entirely up to you. If H is in MLC then your looking at years rather than months and again it's your choice if it's worth it
You've been given some very good advice by the other posters. However, I do want to point out that the divorce busting techniques are for you. The techniques are to help you w/detachment and learn how to communicate and interact w/others, not just your runaway spouse.
Is it worth fighting for your marriage or not? Well, that's really up to you and others have pointed out...this is not a sprint but a very long marathon that can take many, many years to resolve. Some will resolve their childhood issues and wake up and others will remain stuck...but that's something we can't predict as that is a long ways down the road.
So, for now, keep the focus on you. Pick up a pencil and pad and start jotting down those hobbies and to do's that you've put on the back burner for many years and start thinking about doing them. You've been given the gift of time to learn how to live again, explore new avenues and yes, to also work on those things that you know that you need to improve on for yourself. Just remember, any changes that you make, must become permanent and you can't make those changes just to try to win him back. He will test you to see if the changes you've made are permanent or not.
Keep the focus on you and dig deep for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am so low sorry. He came over Tuesday so we could discuss child access now he was living with ow. He said he would ensure that her and d were out of the house when i dropped the boys. I agreed. Then I found last night when they came home that the two were in the garden not out of the house!! He promised he would not put a to in the room our eldest will sleep in...we always were against it and I find. This morning he has done it. I know these seem small things but it is driving me made his lies. What can I do when it affects the kids ?
your sons are old enough to talk and tell you if everything is ok, so I would just keep a sharp on on them
The MLC father becomes like a disneyland dad Mine spoiled my kids with constant spending and when they were together it was dinner, arcades and drop off or more video There is not much you can do except keep watch and take care of yourself
You can try to reason with H about certain activities for kids H will lie constantly- normal MLC behavior He may be more apt to work with you if you are validating and kind about his choices and if you can approach him with a soft rational tone of voice
hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi all, I've started to keep a journal, my counsellor said it may help and to be honest I have found it cathartic. I hope you don't mind me sharing and that it's a bit long.
It has been 6 months since you walked out on me no the kids and let's be honest it wasn't just 3 months of hell you put me through previously but at least another 6 weeks prior to that.
You were miserable, critical, snappy. I can take my faults. Yes our sex life wasn't as great in recent months but I did try to talk to you about it. Yes I may have taken you for granted - don't we all. But fault lies on both sides. I knew something was bothering you but no I never expected this. You should have talked to me. I deserved that. Not wallowing for weeks - then I'm so unhappy - then I don't love you anymore. What the Hell !! After nearly 20 years together.
I think about what I have achieved over the last 6 months- all of which I never thought I would.
I've paid the mortgage I've paid all the bills I've functioned at work Our kids are settled at school They are secure with me ! ,
All of the above is because of me ...your wife. Whatever faults I had in my marriage I deserved the chance to be told in order to rectify. - not treated like I was. I was your best friend, your confidante, mother of your children - I deserved better not lie after lie.
Ultimately this is not my fault!! I didn't know. A failure on my part that I didn't notice but I have to accept that.
But I didn't confide in another man about MY unhappiness, I didn't walk out on my family, I didn't start seeing someone else within weeks and I didn't move in with someone else!! None of that is my doing.
I have my home, my kids home, our beautiful kids. I will always have their love and respect. What have you got. Living away from your kids, potential loss of their respect, living in rented accommodation, with another mans child, with a woman who will never know you or have loved you like we did.
I hold my head up high. I had my faults but I didn't destroy a happy family. You both did. Happiness is subjective. Happiness without my kids love and respect is half hearted, false and temporary.
I didn't lose the love of my husband. I lost the love of a coward and a liar. More importantly you lost me.
Yes I accept I did shout at you...something you constantly bring up as the reason you left. Rubbish. I was scared, I'll, frustrated, hurt.
But I should be proud. Although my worst fear came true I have carried on.
The ow may have you but she has not got my h, she has the shell of a man who has to live with what he is done. They don't deserve my scorn and sadness. They deserve my pity.
You lost a good woman. What have you gained. I am unsure but I know it isn't a patch of what you threw away.
