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Julie, about the job. You can't just agree to take on a second job. You might find a second job that works out great for you, you might not. You can't be coerced into finding a job. But you can be open to working with H towards common financial goals. I like Painter's advice of talking with a financial planner. Validate that you are aware that finances are an issue. Validate that you are open to exploring this idea further. But do not commit to anything.

I waited a whole year after BD to start my part-time job. For my own reasons, the timing was not right before now. (d in the hospital for 3 months, I wanted the summer with my kids, didn't see many part time jobs available, etc.) While I was interviewing for this position I received a call for an interview for a full-time position. H was excited about that and I told him I would talk to them but ultimately I would not accept a position that didn't allow me the flexibility to meet the needs of my children and my own needs at this point in time. I said I would be open to a more demanding schedule in the future, possibly the fall of 2016, possibly later. I could tell he didn't agree with me, but I am not negotiating on that. (this is the man who didn't understand why I didn't pursue a job that required 25% travel, while we have 3 children, AND he is away for 6 months. What does he think I would do with the kids??)

I believe I stated my intentions/goals in a confident and non emotional, non confrontational manner. He backed down. I am not saying your H will back down, just what worked for me. (also the recruiter for the other position fell off the face of the earth, so its not like it was a valid option.) I also started reading a book on financial planning and H seems to appreciate that. I do care about our finances, and I thought that was a small way to demonstrate that.

I think if your H is reassured that you care about the family finances and you are open to exploring ways to reach your financial goals, including possibly working more, that can go a long way towards validating his concerns. JMO.


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Originally Posted By: JellyB
Julie the reconcilation process is like figuring out the meaning of life.

You may actually miss the point of it because you were focussed on the destination and not the journey.

Reconcilation is process of coming together. Like life it requires an open attitude and heart and curious and enquiring mind, an ability to be in the now and to take the good and leave the bad. Be prepared to be surprised the other person may not have the same thoughts, feelings and beliefs they once had. A beginners mind is required.

yes. For me the challenge will be taking the good and disregarding the bad. I expect that level of intimacy and good feelings and for husband to have that love and respect he once did for me and i have to remember we are strangers now. That doesn't exist anymore. Everything has to be rebuilt (if that's even the option anymore). at least first time around we had physical attraction to help. I guess this time around we are doing it for kids and sadly in his case finances. Is that what you mean?

FO has given you some great advice. Collaboration with no agenda on a certain outcome.

I guarantee you Julie if you push for answers from H he will give them to you and likely they will catch in your throat.

yes. I know I am pushy. To me this is way to long to go on like this though. I'm gonna try to let him do most of the talking.


If explore conversations and curiosities you might well be surprised. I feel that your H is more open than you think.

i was looking forward to conversing with husband and laughing. Especially about my trip which had a lot of funny parts and was out of ordinary. Now I am guarded and a bit afraid. When I saw him a month ago I made a comment on a new coat I was wearing. It was one of those down below the knees super warm parkas that I found for under 100 bucks. I thought it was a great deal because I am always cold. A few days ago when he was yelling, he complained about me with new coats and him paying child support. How can we work on friendship with this type of tension? Can you imagine how angry he would be about money spent on a trip? Especially since I was mad at him for spending money on a trip when he wasn't paying me child support?

Sometimes I feel like I am being forced to look into a mirror at my own horrible actions and responses to him. Truth is, I would have complained about him spending money on trip even prior to him BD. So it probably prevented him from sharing fun times and opening up to me. I was controlling



PS; Read back over your posts and watch how H responds to your emotional tone and energy. You might find a pattern. And more "I feel - It feels good when, it doesn't feel good when, I would like to feel, I don't want to feel " from you. He seems to like it when you are bit more in your heart than your head. Just an observation. I could be wrong!! Other Fo's statements are awesome and impressive!

yes. When I act jealous no good (business trip on Valentine's day) . When I confessed how much I didn't like giving up kids every other weekend it led to nice validating conversation.

Jellyxxx


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i have to admit, i am kind of lost in this.

How are you going to give an ultimatum regarding either working on marriage or get a divorce? If the SO has not shown real interest in reconciling then and if you truly don't eat to get divorced then why do this???

Because you feel you are in limbo? if i am pulling info correctly this happened in July, correct?

Why are we assuming that the SO timeframe is on our timeframe? Because we are tired of dealing with it? Ok, but why not just go about living our lives the way we want just like they are?

I am hoping it is not to get a response and then maybe back fire in your face.

I feel just as much can be accomplished without this path.

Live your life!

please let me know if i am way off here


M 37
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Painter and Fo

You guys are right. We should not try to tackle any type of volatile issues at this point.

In the past 2nd job was brought up with marriage counselor as was meeting with a financial advisor. It was settled as an issue we both agreed we disagreed on.
It obviously was more then that.

I am going to commit to memory the phrases you guys are suggesting to validate. Very helpful.


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Originally Posted By: otw
i have to admit, i am kind of lost in this.

How are you going to give an ultimatum regarding either working on marriage or get a divorce? If the SO has not shown real interest in reconciling then and if you truly don't eat to get divorced then why do this???

Because you feel you are in limbo? if i am pulling info correctly this happened in July, correct?

Why are we assuming that the SO timeframe is on our timeframe? Because we are tired of dealing with it? Ok, but why not just go about living our lives the way we want just like they are?

I am hoping it is not to get a response and then maybe back fire in your face.

I feel just as much can be accomplished without this path.

Live your life!

please let me know if i am way off here


OTW:

First husband left with stated goal of reconciliation. I pursued did everything wrong. In early fall, I asked husband if he wanted reconciliation still. He said he could not reconcile. At that point while devastated, I moved on. I also filed for child support (something I had asked for twice and led to fights and then wanted to avoid fights by asking again). He received petition and asked to have talk with me. It was during this talk that he said he wanted for us to work on reconciliation. I asked him if it was do to financials and he denied. At court we had argument regarding financial during argument we were talking about what we needed to do to afford to live together. After court husband was furious with me regarding filing and did not bring up reconciliation. I let it go. He started asking to go places with me and kids. I asked about plans regarding reconcilaition and he became furious and started yelling about how I took him to court, I told him I took him to court after he told me he didn't want to reconcile, he told me he said that cause he was pushed and it was based on emotions and he could change his mind just like I always did. He said he didn't want to give me answer based on emotion and would have face to face meeting with me where we could discuss divorce vs reconciliation. That's upcoming.


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I still don't see the purpose of forcing an answer. Stop pushing it in my opinion. He can say whatever he wants. It is up to you to judge the actions.

You were not wrong for doing what you had to do. Let him be mad. But until he works through what he needs to why force something? Even if he shows up saying I think I want to reconcile don't belie until you see action

Just my opinion.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
Joined: Aug 2015
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Otw

I get what your saying. I really do.

I am also not in a good place dealing with limbo and someone giving me mixed symbols. I have to think about my state, because my state affects the kids. I will mentally be better knowing which direction I am going in, regardless of the direction.

I am not going to be rude or demaning in tone, but at this point what's done is done. He has agreed to discuss this.


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Julie, I wanted to say that I am feeling the same way. I don't want to be in limbo anymore. I will not force things today or next week, but I have decided that I will not stay in limbo indefinitely. I think I can wait until this summer. But being in limbo is not good for me emotionally or physically, it is taking a toll on me and this is my life too. By summer it will be 1.5 years for me and I think that is enough.


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Fo, that last "conversation" we had in which husband just yelled at me because of my new coats and for taking him to court, and for bringing my dad to court with me (he brought mommy, I have no idea why he is mad at this) and for me being verbally abusive made me have flashbacks of marriage counseling a year ago.

It's frustrating having someone yell at me for things that are irrational. It reminds me of my abusive boyfriend in colege that would yell at me for having affair with my female roommate or having crush on my brother. Because it is so irrational I don't know how to defend myself.

I don't have much faith. Based on our last conversation, he thought I was out of my mind for bringing up reconciliation. I am thinking he is delaying and stringing me along because of finances. He probably only brought up reconciliation before court date so I would not ask for alimony. He's probably just pretending to want reconciliation so he can get me back to work full time as ultimatum.

I am starting to wonder how much of this is false hope. He does not want me back bad enough, so I will not be treated well.
He is talking about reconciliation and how we would handle divorce so I am not confident. At the very best I will be subjected to walking on egg shells again.


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
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I know how negative I sound. This has been a rough week. I'm hormonal, I'm still sick, kids were sick, we have been stuck In doors, and weather is too cold to go anywhere. Kids are off again next week and I'm out of places to keep them occupied all day! Going stir crazy.


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
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