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SciDad #2652410 02/11/16 07:49 AM
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I'm very happy for you. Of course staying "cautiously optimistic" is advisable. With that required warning aside, I'm still very happy for you. I am a romantic and always want to see love prevail. Stay the course and I'm sending positive energy your way.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
mutatio #2652411 02/11/16 07:51 AM
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Hi Mu, thanks for posting smile

Originally Posted By: mutatio
Sci, I agree with Squiggy. It would be wise to keep the emotions in check. If you've read it wrong it's really going going to hurt. I recommend MC after it is clear your both trying to make it work. My wife and I should have done that after her affair. If we had I wouldn't be here now. Be strong.


I agree with everything you say. I need to find a way to keep my emotions under control. I've added a longer period of stretching to my workout routine when I try to clear my mind (almost yoga-esque), but I think I might need more. Something at night maybe. More meditation? I'm not sure, but I'm open to any suggestions.

As for MC, I've already come to that conclusion. IF (and only if) things go well in the next few months, the real work will begin. I consider what I've done so far as damage control and I want to move past this crisis stage into something greater. I owe it to myself and my family.


Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12;
S10 and S6
BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015
EA dissolved 12/2016

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
TxHubby #2652437 02/11/16 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted By: TxHubby
I'm very happy for you. Of course staying "cautiously optimistic" is advisable. With that required warning aside, I'm still very happy for you. I am a romantic and always want to see love prevail. Stay the course and I'm sending positive energy your way.


Thank you Tex!

Despite the positive signs I still have all the worries that started me on this path. I hope they are unfounded, or that they are just subconscious reminders of how fragile relationships are.

One thing I'm sure about - this whole experience has taught me to never take a relationship for granted, and that constant work is required for relationships to succeed. I hope I get to the point to where I learn what kind of work is needed for sustained relationships, but right now I'm clueless.


Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12;
S10 and S6
BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015
EA dissolved 12/2016

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
SciDad #2652440 02/11/16 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted By: SciDad

One thing I'm sure about - this whole experience has taught me to never take a relationship for granted, and that constant work is required for relationships to succeed. I hope I get to the point to where I learn what kind of work is needed for sustained relationships, but right now I'm clueless.



Well said. Wonka recommended a book to me called "The Lost Art of Listening". I keep talking about it on here. It's good, especially after the first few chapters. There's another one called "Fierce Conversations" that I started and will someday finish. For me, the way to keep working on a relationship is to communicate more effectively. That's my work now while I'm separated from W. (Separated is an optimistic term, btw.)


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
SciDad #2652480 02/11/16 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted By: SciDad
Originally Posted By: TxHubby
I'm very happy for you. Of course staying "cautiously optimistic" is advisable. With that required warning aside, I'm still very happy for you. I am a romantic and always want to see love prevail. Stay the course and I'm sending positive energy your way.


Thank you Tex!

Despite the positive signs I still have all the worries that started me on this path. I hope they are unfounded, or that they are just subconscious reminders of how fragile relationships are.

One thing I'm sure about - this whole experience has taught me to never take a relationship for granted, and that constant work is required for relationships to succeed. I hope I get to the point to where I learn what kind of work is needed for sustained relationships, but right now I'm clueless.



Don't worry about those worries. I still have those worries myself and we're much further along the path. You have to learn how to live with those worries. Now you and I know that nothing is guaranteed. You can be in the deepest, more romantic, loving relationship imaginable and in an instant one partner can pull out of it. That can happen. Now we both know that. Still, a plane could come crashing out of the sky right this second and squash us flat. That can happen too. We can't go through life worrying about the bad things that might happen to us.

When I was considering getting back with my wife I struggled with the decision. I said to myself that she cheated, she's capable of hurting worse than I ever imagined. Maybe I should move on and find love again some day with someone else. Find new love with someone who won't cheat on me. Then I realized that's a futile pursuit. ANYONE CAN CHEAT ON ANYONE ELSE. Believe it or not, you or I could cheat in the future. We're all human. We can all swear on our children's souls that we would never do that but guess what? Our WW's used to swear the same thing. After that I decided everyone deserves a second chance, no one deserves a third. Now we're on a second chance and it's pretty good. There would be no second chance.

She encourages me to post in places like this to tell our story. I'm happy to do it. I saw what worked and I saw what didn't. I lived it.

The entire thing affected me so deeply that I'm investigating going back to school to become a licensed therapist. I want to help people going through things like this. I'd be taking a HUGE pay cut but we're fine financially so I'm probably going to make that move at 48 years old.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
TxHubby #2652542 02/11/16 01:24 PM
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TxHubby- you would be an AWESOME therapist. Your posts are very insightful, practical, and authentic. I always stop and read when I see you've posted something, and almost always walk away feeling a renewed commitment to my commitment.


BD 2/15
separation 1/16
formerly Pho or Fo
ARose #2652576 02/11/16 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted By: SciDad
I'm going to try to make sure I focus on what makes me feel good/happy first, and THEN observe how my wife reacts. It's far to easy right now for me to shift the focus entirely back to my Wife. Not only could that scare her off, but it would defeat the personal growth I've achieved by DBing.

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One thing I'm sure about - this whole experience has taught me to never take a relationship for granted, and that constant work is required for relationships to succeed.
These are great insights, Sci. I seriously love the detachment and ownership contained therein. Whether or not your MR goes the whole way to fully R, you have, without a single doubt in my mind, achieved much personal growth. Any woman would be a fool to pass you up.

Much like our equally insightful Tex, I went through those same stages when getting ready for Piecing. So many questions and doubts flooded my mind. For me it was the realization that I did not need my wife. I wanted her, and through that I found the strength to keep moving forward. It's a long road, my friend, and you can make the trek.

If you want help with communication, outside of books, I can give some ideas that I can pull from my career as a therapist, things I learned through my DBing experience, and my experience going through Retrouvaille. Zero doubt others are willing to as well. Just give me the word.

Fo.2 - I approve of that statement as someone in the field smile (I do the same!)


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
ARose #2652584 02/11/16 02:54 PM
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Thank you Fo.2. If I can help anyone that makes me happy. These matters of the heart can be so painful. Unbelievably painful and really hard to navigate. Most of us go in unqualified because it's new territory. We're dealing with people that we know better than we know anyone else on the planet and yet we don't even recognize them anymore. We can't even rationalize what is going on. It's by far the hardest and scariest thing I've ever been through and I was a Marine grunt who has been to war. People desperately need sites like this and people willing to help. There are a lot of different viewpoints, which is actually a good thing because not everything works for everyone. If something I experienced helps someone then that is great. If something I may have done would not suit them then I'm not offended by that. I'm just glad they may have found other advice that will.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
TxHubby #2652596 02/11/16 03:31 PM
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TxHubby, I wholeheartedly agree with Fo. I, too, seek out your answers on any given thread. And you have helped me personally in numerous ways. (I think I may have even some of your worsd in conversations with H)

Sci, you've made it this far. You've got a 100% survival rate.


Me 47 H 49 S18 S15
M 21
BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY
I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16
Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16
BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16
Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June
H leaves 5/7/16
melweb #2653404 02/14/16 07:31 PM
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Sci

Hoping V day went well.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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