Inevitable always happens

[WillDo]

My thoughts are with you. We wen through IVF as well. 5 cycles to get our twins finally.

[keefa]

So the morning post arrives. Lots of bills, default notices and bank statement which was interesting. STBXW has removed herself from the joint bank account. Never was there a more clearer sign...
I think she is attempting to 'wash hands' of the overdraft etc. We were not heavily in debt but were not rich by any means. The usual bank loan and so on which is now all down to me to sort until it gets sorted though the courts.
2 things I wanted to share. Firstly, I believe the affair (affairs) was a symptom not the cause of our marital problems ( to me they were not that huge) but... the affair has absolutely been a road block to any R or communication. It has made everything sour, terse and toxic. I wonder if they had sex in our house which is why she ran away so fast.
Secondly, I have been asked if I want company for a take away and a movie next week by a lady who is in a similarish position to me and lives close by. we have supported each other the last couple of months, She calls it an 'ego boost'. I like the idea and to be honest am not feeling guilty about entertaining the idea of being with someone. Slippery slope ?

[sandi2]

It is good to hear you sounding stronger. I would almost encourage anything for an ego boost when I see you as low as you've been. Of course, along with it does come a certain amount of responsibility. Just please, please be careful. You are extremely vulnerable and could fall into another situation before you've had time to heal.

Whenever there are two people, who have suffered a great deal, come together...........
both of you may be seeking reassurances that you have a lot to offer the opposite sex.

Is this take away and a movie to be at the house? If you were my son, I would advise you to go to some informal eating place to grab a bit, and then go out to a movie theater. Take her home, see her to the door, and then leave. I know of several cases where they did the take away and movie at home.....and then they slept together, and regretted it afterwards.

It doesn't have to get slippery, if you will keep your wits and don't use her to assure yourself that you can still score with the ladies. Try to keep it light and friendly.

[Cadet]

I got to thinking about all the comments.
I know I have faults but the difficulty for me is knowing which of mine are genuine as everything in the past has been my fault anyway.
I look in the mirror and like and respect who I am as a man.
I have reflected back alot these last few hours and I honestly don't believe I was loved.

Keefa first of all I am sorry you felt like I was kicking you,
thats not my intention because I like you am a NICE GUY.

If you go back and read my posts at the start of when I began posting here I said the same thing as you.
I like who I am when I looked in the mirror.
There is nothing wrong with me.
Yup everything that went wrong in my marriage was my fault too.

So this is not meant to kick you however everything was NOT my fault, nor is it YOUR fault.
I understand totally how you feel.

I think what was my fault was not standing up for myself and thinking that if I did something then my ex would love me.
First of all - she did not love herself, so how could she love me when she was using me to try to find love, and keep herself from being depressed.

I am glad you made a few steps in a direction that please you, yesterday.
You will keep making steps and that is going to lead to bigger and better things.

You can do this.

[keefa]

Hi Cadet, was meant in a totally complimentary way! Sometimes I think a little nudge is what's needed and you got it bang on.
it made me stop and tell myself ' No, I am not completely to blame and I am not responsible for her decisions in life'
It made me feel a little stronger

[rich4j]

No, I am not completely to blame and I am not responsible for her decisions in life'
It made me feel a little stronger

Keefa- I can tell you from only being on these boards a few months that many many stories are the same as yours or close to it.

A relationship involves 2 people so if someone wants to blame someone else 100% they are just sticking their head in the sand.

I was told I am the reason she is leaving me which I understand the areas I own but she refuses to see anything that helped enable some of my actions or lack thereof. 2 people....2 owners.

This time is a tough one for you. I had a personal meltdown last night envisioning moving out and leaving my great home , neighborhood, dogs and D and STBX.....its a loss. And we cant sweep it away overnight

All we can hope is to make sure we know that we are not the only reason this happened and to build, fix and repair yourself and maybe your R.

No magic dust as I would take some today if it was avaialble. Keep the faith...you will be fine

[Thornton]

^^^ That's good stuff, Rich.

I often catch myself beating myself up. "If only I would have done this, or if I wouldn't have done that".

The truth is, WAW has issues that only she can figure out. She too, blamed me for everything. When you hear that over and over again from the person you love, you can start to beleive it.

I was far from perfect, but I always tried to make amends. She would often hold onto her anger and use it as a weapon. She could hide behind it and not take any responsibility.

Now that we are NC, I wonder who she will point the finger at when something doesn't go her way.

[keefa]

Hi all,
Interesting few days.
Firstly, I went to parents evening on my own. Brilliant reports from both boys. When I saw my youngests teacher, she showed me his work book with a pic in it, there was his cheeky imp grin staring up at me. I broke into tears. The teacher was lovely and said its good to see pride but I explained that since her affair its been hard and she is denying access etc. Was proper crying. STBXW works at the school and of course it was a suprise to her colleagues. I didnt actually mean for it to all come out but it did. She ushered me into see the head and explained the sitch. The head said she would speak to STBXF ( She is STBXW's boss) I had a call later that eve asking if I could attend a meeting the next day.
I turned up. STBXF said she was in no way denying me access. I dug out my mobile and read the facts. I stood my ground. Told them it was unacceptable behavior and regardless of her feelings for me should in no way be using the boys like this. She again said she'd been amicable so out came the phone again and again read it how it was. STBXW claimed we wouldnt have been in this sitch if id have moved out all those months ago and we would have sorted it out. NO i replied because at that time you were seeing someone else. Head was not amused.
Anyway. net result. I have my boys with me allllllll weekend.
STBXW said she was happy I looked happy and thinks of me fondly. Yeah, I bet. Sadly, I don't. I think of her sometimes and how she has stolen everything from the house. Refused to even try and start to communicate, used the boys, lied, cheated and been everything I hate.
I have power in my heart now. I feel like tomorrow, when it comes, will be ok. I know I am going to have setbacks. Financially I am screwed at the moment but I have a bed a pc and a tv. My now is not my forever.
I have my boys now and will see them every week.
As far as stbxw is concerned. She has twice in 15 years apologised. She is never wrong. She is always right.
Something tells me DB might not have got my m back, but is has done precisely what it needed to and I will be continuing to follow it to the letter. I feel warm inside right now. The house is alive, messy, shoes everywhere. Toy soldiers all over the floor, sweet wrappers everywhere. Heaven.
Guys...keep the faith. it changed for me this weekend.
It will be bad, it will be good. but its gonna be ok.

[Tyler12]

It's awesome you have your kids this weekend and will be seeing them weekly now! I will have all mine in a few hours and nothing clears the mind and fills the soul with happiness like your children.

Those soldiers on the floor are great now, wait until you step on one..... Haha

[Cadet]

Heaven.
Guys...keep the faith. it changed for me this weekend.
It will be bad, it will be good. but its gonna be ok.

Glad to hear of this.

Keep up the good work!