Divorce Busting January 22 at 1:51pm · Boulder, CO
Some people think that I'm anti-divorce. Actually, I'm not anti-divorce; I think that some truly unhealthy marriages should end. That said, I also believe that most of the divorces in our country are unnecessary because most of the problems encountered by couples considering divorce are solvable.
I work with couples teetering on the brink of divorce and the vast majority of them find solutions and begin to reconnect emotionally. That's why I'm a psychotic optimist. What do you think about this? Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting January 25 at 1:14pm · Boulder, CO
Some people think that letting small, irritating things slide in relationships is being weak. In truth, the worst possible advice you can give newlywed couples is to talk about your feelings when anything bothers you. All long-term healthy couples will tell you that in loving relationships, you have to choose your battles wisely. The challenge is to figure out what you can let slide and what requires attention. It's worth the challenge and it's not a sign of weakness to drop something when you've been triggered. What do you think? Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting January 26 at 11:47am · Boulder, CO
People often accuse their partners of being "controlling." Some people ARE controlling. However, show me a marriage where one spouse is considered controlling and I will show you a marriage where the other spouse often fails to take a strong stand on things that are important to him or her OR simply stuffs feelings inside so the "controlling" spouse remains in the dark. If someone is in the dark about their partners' true feelings, they can't take those feelings into account. If you have a "controlling spouse," learn how to stand your ground or draw a line in the sand. Divorce doesn't solve the problem. Working on it does. - Pass this on to someone who will benefit from reading it. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting January 27 at 3:50pm · Boulder, CO
People always say, "I wish my spouse would read your posts." I get it. It would be great for your spouse to hear my words, words you have spoken that have been unheeded. But your spouse will probably dismiss my words as readily as s/he has yours. The key is to focus on yourself and make sure you're doing everything you can to bring your spouse closer and that you're stopping doing things that push your spouse further away. Debating with your spouse about his or her thoughts, views, or intentions only backfires. Do what works, even if it's hard. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting January 28 at 1:09pm · Boulder, CO
I'm writing a book on infidelity and wonder if any of you have questions you would like for me to address. If so, post them here! If not, pass along to someone who might. Thanks! Michele Weiner-Davis
We all make mistakes. It is good to acknowledge them and do our best to correct them as we move forward. Even if your spouse's heart isn't open right now, you can still be a better person. If you had to describe one mistake you think you made in your marriage, what would it be? Weigh in. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting 2/1/16· Boulder, CO One of the things people whose spouses want out have in common is PANIC. When you panic, you often do things that hurt your cause. Begging, pleading, chasing, debating, threatening are usual responses when panic sets in. If you have done any of these things, don't beat yourself up. You can't undo the past, but you can create a new future. You have to be more strategic. Take a deep breath. Be calm and stop chasing. That will be a very good first step. Pass this on to someone who has been panicking.
Most divorces are unilateral decisions- one person wants it and the other desperately does not. If these people are parents, a question often arises- "How do we tell the kids about the divorce?" The spouse wanting out usually wants to present a united front. But the other spouse feels it's a lie. What are parents to do? Here is the very unconventional advice I offer couples. Weigh in on what you think, and pass this on to someone dealing with this dilemma!
Michele Weiner-Davis
Edit - add article
Kids, Your Dad Wants a Divorce Should parents present a united front when telling the kids about divorce? Posted May 11, 2015
No one, especially not parents, takes the decision to divorce lightly. Most people flounder in their marriages for long periods of time and question themselves endlessly before throwing in the towel. The last thing parents want to do is to hurt their children. That’s why when it comes time to break the news to the kids, people want guidelines to help minimize the pain. That’s when they turn to the experts.
Most advice is sound- don’t talk about divorce unless you’re certain it’s going to happen, remind the kids the divorce isn’t their fault and that they will be taken care of and loved by both parents, outline the ways in which their lives will change and/or remain the same and don’t burden them unnecessarily with details and so on.
However, there is a consensus among professionals about a particular piece of advice with which I vehemently disagree. It goes like this- When breaking the news to the kids, parents should always present a united front. Regardless of the reasons for the divorce, parents are instructed to say that it is a decision made by both of them.
Really?
The truth is that most divorces in our country are unilateral decisions- one person wants out and the other desperately wants to keep the marriage and family together. In the rare situation where both partners are equally motivated to end their marriage, a united front makes sense. But when two parents are at odds about the viability of their relationship and tell the children that it is a mutual decision, it is a flat-out lie.
There are several problems with lying to your children.
First, kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. If they don’t recognize there’s a discrepancy between their parents’ views of divorce at the time the news is announced, eventually, they will. And then they will know that their parents lied, not exactly the world’s best legacy.
Parents generally preach the importance of honesty. Research tells us that the axiom, “Actions speak louder than words,” is an accurate description of the way kids actually learn life’s lessons from their parents. They do as we do, not as we say. Furthermore, when they figure out the truth, which they will, they will feel deceived. No one wants that for our children.
Secondly, it is frequently the case that the parent who desperately wants to save the marriage places the utmost value on not being a quitter in life, of staying the course even when things aren’t easy. When tough situations arise in their children’s lives, these parents have encouraged them to stick things out despite the fact that dropping out might be easier or more fun.
To the parent who prizes stick-to-it-tive-ness, presenting a united front about the dissolution of the marriage defies every bone in his or her body; it’s disingenuous. It just can’t be done.
That said, presenting something less than a united front can be tricky. It can lead to a labyrinth of blame and counter-blame. It can tempt the spouse who wants out to justify the choice by explaining the source of unhappiness with the other partner, which is too much information for children. Plus, things can escalate from there.
Children may be inclined to take sides or feel the need to be emotional caretakers for the parent who seems sad or angry about the marriage ending.
In order to avoid these unfortunate outcomes, how can two people with opposing goals and visions for the future talk to their children about their impending divorce?
The fact is, there is no perfect solution to this dilemma.
But why not consider the following. Parents could tell their children that they have been fighting a lot lately and disagreeing on many things, including what should happen with their marriage. Nonetheless, since it takes two people to want to make a marriage work, they are going to _____(divorce/separate). There is no need to go into detail about why one person wants out and the other doesn’t.
Then, the couple could shift the conversation to emphasize those things about which they do agree- (this is where one inserts what conventional wisdom suggests)- that they love their children, and the children are not to blame for the divorce, and a description of the plan for their future, and so on.
Telling the truth to children is by no means a panacea for the pain they will feel about the disruption in their lives due to their parents’ divorce. But it goes a long way to setting a positive precedent for honest and open parent-child communication. William Shakespeare once wrote, “No legacy is so rich as honesty.”
Bump. Bump, Bump...I'm heading there now Cadet. I get asked this question alot in my work, and I know I friend who asked about this recently too!
This is such an important issue. We all want to save our children the distress that we experience as adults. Thanks for highlighting this Cadet and MWD!
Divorce Busting 2/5/16 · Boulder, CO So many couples in my practice can't understand why their marriages are falling apart when, after all, they've been such incredible parents and their families are wonderful. I always tell people that the best thing you can do for your kids is to put your marriage first. If you don't, eventually you won't have a marriage and how great is that for your kids? Don't allow your marriage to be kid-centric. Have regular date nights and uninterrupted time at home. Be affectionate in front of your children. When they see you argue, let them see you also make up. Make sure they understand how the marriage is the center of the family.
Romantic dinners at candlelit restaurants, Godiva chocolates, two dozen long-stem roses, sentimental Hallmark cards- the stuff Valentine's Day is made of.
But what if your relationship is on the rocks and Valentine's Day is just another painful reminder that your life isn't what you hoped it would be? Then what do you do?
I know, this isn't exactly an uplifting topic, but the truth is, the vast majority of people in my practice are not exactly big Valentine's Day enthusiasts. My practice generally consists of one spouse who desperately wants out of the marriage and the other who wants nothing more than to live happily ever after.
So, what can you do if a romantic dinner and words of affirmation are not on the agenda for you this year?
First, have a plan regarding how you will approach the day. Get some feedback from friends, family or a therapist regarding questions like, "Should I buy my wife a card or get her a gift when I know she is pulling away?" "Would it be a good idea to simply ignore the day or would my spouse take offense?" "I would love to plan a romantic dinner but I don't know if my husband would feel too pressured." "We're separated. Should I even email or text my wife?"
Next, if you're not going to be with the one you love, plan something nice for yourself.
When I asked people what they could do to avoid throwing a pity party on Valentine's Day, here's what some had to say:
"Spa treatments always make me feel special"
"I 'm hoping my 'rocky' Valentine's Day turns out better than I'm expecting, but if not, I still plan on getting a new haircut and a facial."
And I like this one the most-
"My children and I began a new Valentine`s day tradition. We have a big tea party complete with tea sandwiches and scones. I write love notes to each child and we have a lot of fun.
Valentine's Day lost its meaning when my husband and I were separated and I decided to make it special regardless of my situation. He has been home now for over 3 years but we still continue this new tradition and celebrate together as a couple in the evening."
So, while those of us who are fortunate enough to be with spouses who share our desire to celebrate our relationships, we should be mindful of those who, for this year, at least, have missed Cupid's arrow.
Special Valentine's Day Offer
As a special Valentine's Day offer, if you sign up by February 15th, you'll get $40.00 off of 3 or more Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching sessions.
You can sign up online using the code DBCOACH$40 or CALL 800-664-2435 OR 303-444-7004. Make sure to mention this special offer if you call!
This offer is for good through Monday, February 15th.
DON'T FORGET TO MENTION THIS SPECIAL WHEN YOU CALL.
Love isn't just a feeling, it's a commitment. It's the actions you take to make a relationship work. People who "fall out of love" have stopped doing the things they used to do when they were "in love." "Unromantic," you say? I say, there's little more romantic that knowing your partner will be there through thick and thin and demonstrate, even through the hard times, that love is what you do, not just what you feel.
Divorce Busting February 12 at 10:31am · Boulder, CO
With rare exceptions, when a divorce occurs, it doesn't only end a marriage, if there are children, it ends a family. Unhappy spouses often seek the relief of being apart from their partners, but they don't take into account the many ways their lives will change for the worse. I've had so many divorced people say to me, "If I only knew then what I now know about what it takes to get my life on track, I could have put that energy into making my marriage work." Don't have that regret. Leave no stone unturned when it comes to trying to save your marriage. Thoughts?
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting February 15, 2016 · Boulder, CO
When people want out of their marriages, they often rewrite history and say things like, "I was never really happy," or "I got married for all the wrong reasons," or "I was never really attracted to you." But most of the time, these things are not true. Welcome to selective memory, you recall certain memories that support your desire to leave. If your spouse is saying very negative things about the past, take it with a grain of salt. Don't argue about it, but don't believe every word you hear. It will hurt your soul if you do. Besides, chances are, it's not true!
