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Originally Posted By: NYGal
TX, I've noticed that whenever she thinks I'm pulling away, she reels me back in with talk of how much she misses me and regrets what she has done. Her latest has been how utterly miserable she is on the path she's on. So when I tell her it's not too late for us, and show her the path, the first stumbling block is the AP. She's not ready to let her go. So I back off a bit, then she says she's giving serious thought to reconciling with me and how much she misses our life. When I say I do too (clearing the path and showing her I'm still there) then she says she's a mess. And she won't let the ow go. So I guess I don't know how to show her the path without her throwing ow right there onto the path and cluttering it all up.

She knows, because we've both said it, that we don't walk this path until there's no AP. (BTW she says it's not cheating because we're not together.) But when I asked her if she would at least not sleep with her until she's decided, she wouldn't even answer. So I feel like I'm back on the roller coaster I started on.

I've not heard from her since the email where she said "Do you know I'm a mess." I didn't reply. I don't want to be her BFF. I want to be her W.


It does seem like she wants to keep her options open. Keep this new thing going and see where it goes but also know that she has you, the known good thing, in reserve. I was there too. I know what it's like to be that known reserve.

For me I finally took the big gamble. I said I'm done playing this game, I want a divorce, and I filed and had her served. That could have gone either way. She might have chosen her fancy new life of drinking, clubs, and men. Instead she chose me. I was lucky (I guess, sometimes I don't know). Do I feel safe with her? No. I don't know if I ever will. I think betrayed spouses that say they got over it and feel safe with their partners again are really lying to themselves. I know your pain.

I guess at some point you get to the point of no return. Your W doesn't get the luxury of keeping both of you within arm's reach. Nobody gets that luxury unless you allow them to have it. If you're content to stay how it is until she figures it out then go for it.

The deck is kind of stacked against you in that regard because while you're detaching and backing off the OW isn't. She's filling her head with every line of utter BS that your W wants to hear. In your particular case, however, I think that OW is kind of a nasty person. Nasty enough that the shine of the new R is already wearing off and making your W question her choices. The thing is, you said she did this once before. After I found that out you know what my opinion was. Maybe your W can change. Maybe she can grow up and cut out the silly jr. high school girl behavior. Maybe she can't. At her age I question her ability to change.

For your own mental/physical health at some point you have to do the final me or her, once and for all, no going back. If she chooses you then you have to give her the path back. If she asks how can I fix this? How can I help you heal? How can I re-earn your love? (All questions my wife asked) then you have to decide if they can do those things. If they can then you build a roadmap for them. You can't answer "I don't know if you can fix it." Say that one time too many then they give up, cut their losses, and move on. If you want her back and she asks those things then give her the roadmap back to you. That has to be your personal roadmap. What are the steps for her to be back in your heart fully? I think step #1 has to be NO more other people, EVER. If she has any further contact with OW then there is no point at listing any other steps. In the meantime, while she works on the steps, you're still GAL'ing and moving on.

You can't sit around forever waiting. I GAL'ed. I started really moving on. I went to lunch and coffee with lady friends. I wasn't dishonest with them. I told them exactly where I was with my wife (separated, limbo). I told my wife about it. Unlike her, I didn't keep secrets. Did having adult conversations with women I found attractive make me feel WAY better than sitting around the house throwing pity parties for myself? Oh heck yes it did. So much better. People that tell you that's a bad idea don't understand how much better that makes you feel. It also really helps you detach and think about other things besides your situation.

I do think the path back is important because, just like you, they are not going to wait forever either. My wife snapped out of her funk and asked me those questions explicitly. Sometimes you don't get that. They're afraid to ask that openly for fear the answer is no. They'll broach the subject in a passive way by saying things like "I guess I really screwed this up for good" or "I really miss us." You get the picture. Look for those phrases. What they're really saying is "is there any way to fix this?" "Is there any way we can be together again?" It's just pride or fear holding them back from asking the real question.



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NYGal, when TX showed his W the path, she already wanted to come home. Your W isn't there yet. That's why it worked for him, but not for you. She's not ready!!! That doesn't mean that she won't eventually want that, but she's not there right now. All you're doing is pushing her away. Remember our talk last night. ......Let It Be. You are strong and you can do this. This is not the time to show her the path. You do that when she wants to come home. She's just not ready to give ow up yet. Remember our talk and how you're going to pull away and ACT AS IF you've moved on so she will be that scared little kid on the swing. We talked about all of this. Go through that conversation in your head. Get yourself together. Play it out in your head so you will know what to do. Then, go DB the crap out of her! If she tries talking to you, VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE, then be too busy to talk and end the conversation and go on about your business. Do NOT buy her a coffee. Do NOT tell her you miss her. Do NOT under any circumstances flirt with her. You've got this. I have faith in you. smile A little pain now will shorten how long this will take. Just remember that.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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I totally agree with MB. If they don't want to be shown the path then don't bother. You also have to recognize when they do want to see the path but because of pride or fear won't say it openly. You know her better than anyone else. You'll know when it's time.



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Hi NYG, came by to let you know your loved and let you know better days are coming. I've learned that in matters of the heart one must except glacial speed as the norm. All you can do is be strong, positive, and kind. Our spouses are skittish and confused. All we can do is behave well and act emotional attractive. Stay strong



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
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W texted:"What's going on with me????? I'm a liar, a cheater, and very lazy. I've got severe depression and anxiety, am not deserving of you or anyone else. I'm a low life who can't function. That's what's going on with me."
A minute later: "I need help."

Me: I'm so sorry you feel this way. That's a lot to deal with.

Taken right from the validation statements.

I'm kind of worried about her.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
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I would just monitor closely. Dont get tricked. She is searching for you to come running. She has the OW still right? Then let hr deal with the crazy, you dont want to!


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
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You're stronger than I am NYGal. That will serve you well. I wish I could advise you what to do this minute but this could potentially be a very bad situation. I don't know your W well enough to know if she's just being a drama queen knowing you'll respond if she sends you a "the sky is falling" message or if this is out of character and she might in the mindset of having a breakdown or harming herself. You know that better than we do so please respond accordingly.



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I'm probably in the minority here, but I'd be tempted to check in with her. But it would need to be clear that you're not checking in because you want a relationship - you're checking in because you care about her as a human being.

If a person you just met told you what she texted you, how would you react? That should be your guide. Respond to her like you would anyone else. But (and this is the tough part) respond with no expectations. No thoughts of getting back together. No thoughts of doing it to keep the road back to you open. No thoughts of how much it would hurt if she still chose the OW over you. Compassion without strings


Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12;
S10 and S6
BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015
EA dissolved 12/2016

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
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Yes, otw. She still has ow. She did say something about being alone this week, so maybe she's trying to be alone for a few days (which W does NOT do well.) I wish I knew if it was W's or ow's suggestion...

SciDad,I'm very tempted to check in with her. You think more than the validating statements I texted back?

I don't want to be just her best friend, but I am worried. I am considering calling her sister to tell her I'm worried about W. Thoughts?


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
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If you want contact someone to check on her.

I have read situations here and this is almost another script. I in no way take these things lightly as a life is more important than any of this, but for someone to reach that point dont you think they would exhaust all options to feel better first?

Im sorry you are dealing with this, but in my opinion have someone look in on her, but the part about being alone this week is BS. The ww are never alone, they cant be. they say it but they need the validation from others, be it ow/om or just friends.

My w has to have someone around her at all times.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
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