Hello all, I read Jguy's thread and it is really helping me see many of the mistakes I have been making. Sorry Jguy but the beginning of your thread really shows me what not to do.
I am committing to letting go like I said. I am also working on moving on and recapturing some happiness for myself. My goals:
1. Wake up happy and thankful 2. Focus on my kid 3. Join a gym after wrestling season (until then work out hard with the team) 4. Some new clothes for a new me!
Tomorrow I am preparing to meet her and do our taxes. This is not going to be a happy time but I will be prepared. I am also debating about giving her rings back that I took upon discovering the OM. I am trying to think what would the old me do, and then do the opposite. That is a lot easier said than done, the old me may have been angry and just kept them sc*&w her or the old me may have tried to give them back with some "I love you and always wills." This may be a coaching question. Thanks any advice would be appreciated.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Well goal one failed today as I had nightmares of finding out about OMs all night, just kept waking up. I know that hurt is going to be there for quite sometime, if it ever leaves.
I am doing well focusing on the youngest and keeping it up. Every night we text and I always tell him goodnight and I love him. The older one is harder as I am rather sure he has been poisoned against me. He really will not talk to me, except if he wants money or a ride and mom wont give it to him. I guess right now just being there when he needs me is the best thing I can do.
The last two. I worked hard at practice last night. Kind of at a plateau for weight loss, but 20+ pounds is still good. I want to reach 165 so that is a new goal. And I am wearing newly purchased clothes today. Also after counseling I am going to get a trim.
Yesterday she text about taxes. Despite her saying I am controlling she refused to pick a tax preparer or schedule the appointment but told me to. So I did. She then called after she was done working. I ignored the call. A few hours later text saying, must have missed your call. She text she would call but then text never mind. I did not respond to either text.
When I stopped home yesterday to change for practice, there was a water shut off notice on the door. She only had two bills to pay but apparently ignored them. I do not want to be an enabler but I did go pay the bill without telling her. I cant go back home to no water and more importantly, I can not have the boys living with no water. So I do not think this interferes with my 180s.
Got a text today that the OM has changed his relationship status to single on FB. Also that her mom stopped following him on Pintrest. While I am hopeful, I need to keep moving on and detaching.
Finally, I still have not decided about the rings tonight and whether to just let her have whatever refund we may get. I am at a loss with regard to this. I HAVE decided to act as if tonight and am working of looking good and being in a good mood to meet. I guess I have to consider all the scenarios that could happen, will I get yelled at and will she try to drag me into a fight? Will she be nice and considerate? Hell she could even invite me to dinner? I am thinking how to prepare for each scenario. Any advice???
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
I guess I have to consider all the scenarios that could happen, will I get yelled at and will she try to drag me into a fight? Will she be nice and considerate? Hell she could even invite me to dinner? I am thinking how to prepare for each scenario. Any advice???
The less you say the better.
When no answer is the right answer just listening is good. Agreeing with what is said(validation) also helps.
Thanks Cadet. Per talking it out with my counselor, I am going to hold off on giving back the rings and not give 100% of the tax return. I do not think I will split it 50/50 but not going to give 100% too. Seems that that would just be continued enabling and as he said she is standing on the other side of the she will not truly know the what color the grass is until I stop helping. He told me whatever happens she has to learn consequences for her decisions, which is something I read on here a lot too!
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Well we did the tax thing tonight. I got the distant but nice W. I have to admit that I was terrified of what was going to happen and while it was not the best case scenario that I hoped for, it definitely was not the worst case that I dreaded either. She was civil, not too nice but engaged a bit in small talk. Her body language said keep your distance.
Here though are the things that shocked and scared me. My wife is a princess. Beautiful and seductive. She is also bold and brass in her feelings. Tonight however she could not look me in the eye. We have had in person interactions in the past and she never failed to look me in the eye. Tonight however, she kept her head down which was very not like her. I don't know if it is pain, guilt or what but she could not look me in the eye. Before when she yelled at me she looked me straight in the eye. When we met for wrestling she looked me straight in the eye. Tonight she turned and met my eyes once and she almost immediately looked down.
Also as I said she is a princess. She prides herself on her appearance. She has lost a noticeable amount of weight which is fine. She goes to the gym a lot. But she also looked tired. Her clothes were not quite right. She had a run in her stockings. Her nails (which she also worked on) where not done at all. The were very short and not polished as normal. She looked sad!
I wanted to hug her and tell her I love her. My heart screamed to comfort her. My hands trembled and my heart sank, lower than it already is. I wanted to tell her "If you just come home and we are a family again, we can get through this." INSTEAD, I continued to act as up beat as I could making jokes with the tax preparer. Did my best as if and left before she was done. But god she needs some prayers, I have never ever seen her so low.
After I left her there, I felt relieved that my worst fears did not come true but I am so saddened by her state.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Just want to see if anyone can weigh in on an on going situation with my mother in law. This has been going on apparently since before the separation.
Sometime around October/November, my wife found a contractor to fix her mom's roof. Apparently, from the get go the contractor started hitting on my wife and my mother in law encouraged it. In November when he actually started working on the roof is when things went down hill for me. The entire time my mother in law encouraged it. The three of them became friends on social media, and since this guy likes tie dye my mother in law was posting tie dye wedding dresses on my wife's pintrest! Fast forward to now.
I reached out to my MIL at the beginning. She didn't respond. Then she sent me a text about what a horrible person I am. When I caught her cheating on me, MIL sent me another text about what a jerk I am and how SHE wouldn't even let me be near the stepboys if it were up to her.
She also started two Pintrest boards. One she had "Things for her daughter" and one she started in January "For TR you know who you are... My daughter's loser husband" The one for my W has quotes about getting out and moving on, quotes about dealing with a psychopath and narcissist. The one for me has quotes about being emotionally abusive, how I will regret losing her (uhm yeah!!!!), calling my a piece of poop, and so on. She actually has over 100 quotes about me. I try to laugh it off thinking it make her look bad and batsh*t crazy, but it also gets to me.
Here are my questions, first how do you deal with such negativity? When MIL's brother died and they went to clean out his apartment, to my wife I said how hard that must have been for her mom. But really with all my DBing efforts, if her mom is that against me, how much will really work? The only comfort I can think of is in time her mom will start turning on her, saying my W is only using her for financial support, they will fight and then become ok with each other again. Any suggestions?
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
This is very similiar to what my MIL thinks of me.
The entire family is convinced that MIL is borderline personality disordered. Very nice one minute and then will stab you in the back the next. She's very controlling with WAW. Wants her all to herself.
WAW told me that MIL follows her around whenever she moves. She will literally move into the same apartment complex and has done this multiple times. I'm absolutely convinced that MIL has tried to manipulate WAW into changing how she feels about me.
There's nothing you can do IMO to change this. Don't react to it, that's what she's hoping you do so she can then share with the world what a jerk you are.
