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otw #2652395 02/11/16 07:19 AM
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey OTW,

I have mixed feelings about the ring. I did put it back on. I tried hard to leave it off. Its has been a symbol of the MR that I am trying to save. It is there when my kids hold my hand and they turn it and touch it. I haven't given up completely so I put it back on.

When W came home I hid my hand, I didn't put it on for her. It was for me something of this MR that I have control over. I get to choose if I am wearing it or not. I want my kids to remember me wearing it.

The mixed part is when I think I should take it off to help me move forward and detach.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
vise82 #2652399 02/11/16 07:26 AM
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey

So I am thinking of emailing W to apologize for some of the things that I said, to say that emotions were high and I said some things that I didn't mean. That I want to communicate better with her and that there is a place for lawyers to keep emotions out of this process.

So should I contact her? The problem I am finding is that she is using stuff that I say in anger against me as something that I want.

In the past I was angry and said I wanted to sell the new car because I don't want to pay for it anymore. I was blowing steam and just putting that out there as an example. She has used that against me say that I don't want the new car so she will take it.

She does this, holds on to stuff I say as it was written in stone. Most of the time its just an idea that I am not fully on board with but throw it out there to see what she says about it.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
vise82 #2652420 02/11/16 08:11 AM
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How about asking her questions and turning it around on her? Not to "get her" but for her to feel the discussion is rooted in her idea. Validating comments to her ideas as you question her how to solve the problem. I struggle with validation but see it's effect. Even if the problem isn't solved you had a discussion where she saw you positively interact with her.

Just a drive by thought, be well



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
mutatio #2652425 02/11/16 08:30 AM
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otw Offline
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Vise,
fair enough on the ring. Just curious

AS far as apologizing, well maybe this is a good opportunity to show a different you regarding the S.

Bring up the lst discussion and how you both got heated, you can apologize for your reactions and validate how she felt. Then go into stating the meotions can easily get in the way of making this easy.
then as Mu stated, bring up a question to her asking if she thinks having L handle this part would be better.

leave it at that, when she responds either way you listen and process what she is saying, do not hop into what you agree or disagree with. Tell her that is interesting thoughts and you would like to look at everything yourself.
at this point come back here and let everyone review.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
otw #2652499 02/11/16 11:28 AM
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey,

So I emailed W.

Basically what OTW said to email.

she has replied back that she has retained a L and that L will be sending me a letter outlining what has to happen. And that all that we have to do is sit down and get to an agreement as to what we want and her L will send it to my L and its done.

She is asking if I want to sit down tonight to work on it, and that if we have a planned time then it might work better then one of us starting the talk out of the blue.

I don't want to talk about it tonight. Or if I do I an not agreeing to anything. My L said I can talk about the options and have a kitchen table discussion about things but not to agree to anything at this point.

I don't know how she could pay for a L.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
vise82 #2652505 02/11/16 11:44 AM
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otw Offline
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So unfortunately you may need to have a talk. I did a little. I basically received some paperwork and gave to her. Basically it was an outline for an agreement. I asked her tongonthrough and out in everything she could think of then I would look at it and either agree or mark things I didn't like then we would sort those out

So we did have to discuss a few things but I let her be the one to get the first part done.

This is a possibility to do.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
otw #2652525 02/11/16 12:24 PM
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Posts: 724
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey

So I offered to talk tonight but not everything and to keep it short. I also asked to see the letter her L made.

I don't know how this is going to go.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
vise82 #2652531 02/11/16 12:31 PM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
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otw Offline
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I know it is not fun.

Review 37 rules first. Don't say too much. If you aren't sure state you need time to think. If it starts going south take a break.

Think of this as the first step in healing and getting bad stuff behind you.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
otw #2652775 02/12/16 08:19 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 724
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey,

So I had the scheduled talk about S details.

About the looking after the kids, I want 50/50 and said I could change my schedule to be able to drop them off at school. She didn't believe me. Then I confirmed it then she said that she wasn't going to pay for the early morning care that I needed to drop them off. Then I said I would pay for it. Then she said that she doesn't like that the kids will be in the early morning care and that would mean a long day at school. I said that is so that they can spend time with me at my place more then every other weekend.

Every problem she came up with I had a solution but a new problem came up. \I was asking for her to have the kids Sun, Mon, Tues, and I would have them Wed,Thrus, fri, and we would alternate Sat.

Then she started to say that school days don't count as time with kids because they are at school. I disagreed. She wants them all week, I get two visits during the week and we rotate weekends.

Next was the city she would live in, after asking a couple more times she agreed that she would stay in the same city. She agreed that we should do what we can to keep the kids in the same school

She really pushed for the house to sell in march.

For our cars she wants the two year old car, and I get the 10 year old van that needs some work. I said I would take the van if we split the cost of fixing it get it in 100 % working order. She said no we can just sell it then. I said its not fair you get a perfectly working car and I get a old van that needs some work.

We talked about her brothers wedding, I asked if I was invited. She said she didn't know and she could ask but she thinks I am not invited. I said really because I know your family they are open to everyone and if I am not invited then they must really not like me. She said no they have no problems with you. Its because we are separated and when ur separated you do things like wedding with out each other. She also said a wedding is different then Christmas and holidays I said they are family why wouldn't I go. She said she would ask.

She was lying I know she has the invitation and her brother left it up to her who she brings as her plus one. I think her best friend is going in my place to help with the kids. She has no intention for me to be there.

Next was the house she wants to put it on the market in march. I said I wont put it on the market until we have a separation agreement.

So there was no yelling, but she was threatening me that if I didnt co-operate and keep it out of the lawyers hands her dad will take the interest in the mortgage that he was going to split between the two of us and just give it to her. Also she would go after my work pension, she said she wont touch it right now if this goes smooth and fast.

I read a while back that with her personality that I should get away from her as quick and fast as I can.

I realize now I cant stop this, so I need to look at it like a business deal and if I can get my 50/50 with the kids I can agree with the rest.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
vise82 #2652777 02/12/16 08:28 AM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
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otw Offline
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Posts: 986
Do not give in to her on the custody and dont take her threats.

50/50 means equal number of time with each parent. If you agree to something that is less and then put it in writing you are opening yourself up to some future problems.

I think you did ok, pushing on the wedding thing, i dont really understand.

I dont think you can trust her right now either way. I have heard too many times that the WAS wants no lawyers involved because they know they can manipulate you. Get the lawyer to review everything you want, then review a separation agreement before signed.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
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