So now my d5 told me today that she saw me in bed with her dad last night. My H said he has no idea what she is talking about because no one was over, there is no one else, and he wouldn't be dumb enough to have a girl in our bed, in our house, with our kids when our kids crawl into our bed with us every night. She woke up and was like daddy, I saw mommy in bed last night, where did she go? He told her that I wasn't here and then she let it go until now.
Then my d5 said well if it wasn't mom it had to be we will call her kay. Kay is my ex best friend who stayed at my house for a few months(2-3 nights a month) while going through her own D. She knows kay used to spend the night and hangout and they ask about her sometimes. She was like an aunt to my kids and we always did stuff together.
Her xh and my h were best friends in highschool and he was also good friend with kay. Well I had to stop being friends with kay because I told her when we got separated that I had a few people ask me if it was because of kay.
(Like was she another women?? because she spent so much time with us, was it because he was friends with her in highschool and now he can try to date her? etc etc etc?) I found out after we separated as well from his sister that he used to have a crush on kay in highschool. She said she would never do that to me and she was dealing with her own D from 2-3 months ago and she was going to not cut him or me out of her life but be distant. She was hurt that I would even think she would ever do that to me, but at the time I was like IDK what to think.
I have not asked if they talk or have seen each other since we separated. She lives 1 hr away so I don't know.
I didn't fully cut her out of my life just told her while dealing with this I needed space and I haven't talked to her since besides merry xmas and happy bday texts.
D5 does have a crazy imagination on some things. She has asked him if he has cheated, she tells us we aren't married, she asks why daddy ran away and never comes home, crazy stories about school or tv shows etc...but I can't seem to let this one go.
Her story keeps changing though so IDK if it is true or should I let it go? I am having like a panic attack at home. First she said she saw something brown next to daddy(I have brown pillows) then she kept saying it had to be me, then she is like well then it had to be kay. She is the only ever person who has spend the night in my house before besides me. She is convinced someone had to be in the room.
Who do I believe? My 5yr old with a huge imagination or my wah who is freaking out worried that I think he cheated on me and has no way to prove he didn't. He is very upset right now but is it real or because he is caught?
He told me he couldn't even warn me about what she said. Oh hey d5 said she thought she saw someone in our bed last night but it's not true so don't believe her. He said THAT sounds suspicious. He said he wishes he just said yeah it was mommy because he had to convince her it wasn't me so she would stop looking for me around the house.
I am half tempted to call kay and her room mate to see if she was here or not but that might be crazy. I am about to be in full pyscho mama stalker mode.
Squiggy, roar, pink and V- This is what I got from you guys.
Keep being Sexy
Strong and confident
Detached
PMA
Make my room more ME
More pictures of my kids up vs all the photo of us up
Fix my 180 of ignoring him to being more FUN
Talk more about kids and the fun things they do and leave us talk alone
Talk and make things less heavy (prob the best advice since lately if we talk it is all serious. no fun. about money or divorcing or whatever!)
Take myself of the angry area. I have realized I guess I am angry. I am hurt, angry, frustrated and just NOT FUN to be around. I DON'T even want to be around myself the last 2-3 days.
This:: You do not need to prove you don't care, because he knows you do. Show him you can be fun, spontaneous, charismatic, a wonderful mom.
I have been trying to show him I do not care, which isn't working well.. so now I will give that 180 up in favor of more fun one.
Hang in there girly! You don't have any proof yet, but now the seed has been planted so eyes open. Pay attention is all you can do right now until he either comes out and tells you if you have definitive proof. Deep breaths!
Stick to the plan and hang in there! Don't let that get in your head or make you act crazy!
I feel Like I am going crazy.. I want to call and ask him if he has seen her, talks to her, if he still likes her since he did 11 years ago, like so much stuff. I can't I know I can't.
Get out my anger, crying, frustration TONIGHT and never cry over this again until I have solid proof is my plan for tonight I guess.
I really hope he actually doesn't call me today to ask about the kids or want to talk to them just so I can have the rest of the night to myself.
Well I decided to believe my H because my d5 just woke up looking for daddy and crying since she cant find him, then crawled into my bed and hugged her teddy saying she is going to sleep with her daddy.
I think my baby is having a hard time with all of this.
I will say the thought of another women changed something in me. I yelled,cried, got angry, read a ton on here, accepted it could be true, breathed, told myself knowing isn't going to make it better.
I feel more..determined? Determined to detach better. Determined to gal more. Determined to accept that yes this could be true and yes it could become true later if it isn't.
I know this journey is for me. Its 12:06am my time, he just called me to ask if the kids were good last night.
I took your advice, I told him this funny story about s3 being goofy and dancing and D5 learning to sing for school. I didn't mention or bring up anything for earlier.
I went and got out a ton of pictures of my kids, hung up about 10 new pictures down the halls of baby photos until now photos.
My dresser has photos of me and my kids, siblings, etc that I printed from my printer.
I put my girly air freshener in my room and hung up girly curtains I have and my number comforter Thats gold and cream vs the manly black one.
I will be okay.
As much hurt as today gave me it also helped me.
I realized yes I still care too much:detach more
Yes I am GAL but not in the right way.
I got to feel some of your guys pain when there is or might be another women or man.( I'm not saying he doesnt have one but I'm letting it go until I have 100% proof or any proof)
I realized how much power I let him still have over me and my life. I never want to feel like this again and my goal is to make sure I never do.
I feel Like I am going crazy.. I want to call and ask him if he has seen her, talks to her, if he still likes her since he did 11 years ago, like so much stuff. I can't I know I can't.
Get out my anger, crying, frustration TONIGHT and never cry over this again until I have solid proof is my plan for tonight I guess
I get crazy like this too. It's part of the roller coaster. We have to be able to take one day at a time, as long as we need it. I would have liked nothing more than to vent, have a good cry, and say I'm letting you go. I did that, and then I'm good for a short while. Then, my rollercoaster goes underwater, and I can't breathe. I've "never cried over this again" countless times.
I am sorry it is all happening. It's hard but not impossible. It hurts but do not kill. So look at this like a cancer that needs chemo. Slowly, a day at a time, and you still have a chance to rescue the life you want, or continue on a journey you will build for yourself.
I know it's very vague, and it does not make you feel better right now, but that is the truth. YOU CAN CONTROL ONLY YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN LIFE.
1st - I would be careful and protect D5 from any trauma. She does not need any more drama in her life then it is already being imposed on her by what is happening. Too many kids are affected by S or D of their parents and it is a wound that will show their damage sometime down the road. Talk to her, calm her down without saying too much. I am a believer that truth is the best way. In my opinion I would let her know that mom and dad have some different opinions right now and we are giving sometime so all the booboos get healed. Like if D5 has a fight with D3 or a friend.
2nd - This is all fishy. I do not think that you will get anything from your H, even if it's real. He will probably deny it to his coffin right now. And I think it would be a waste of time to confront her. If she has anything with him, then she will deny to you and will tell him, and at this point in time, he will be disgusted about the whole thing. If she says yes, then you will be in pieces, humiliated and will bring more pain to yourself. Whatever it is, whatever is happening, it is not because you will find out that will just end. But I understand. If you read my thread you will see that I did everything in my power to find the affair.
And I found. It was not fun. But then I was in the clear, I knew what was happening. For some people that is what works, for some others, this is more troubling.
I think that cameras are not against the law, people have cameras when they have young kids. I guess you won't be able to use that in court.
Do you have access to his email, FB, her FB, phone. It could be a way to find out if they are in contact or not.
Is it possible? Yes. Is it true? you have no idea. So, be alert but don't agonize over something you don't know for sure.
Think back about what happen while this lady was at your house, she was a mess because of her D. Why did she D in the first place? Did she got better and start looking better? Did she spend time with your H that seems unusual? Did they laugh together and had their own talk? Maybe you will find some memory about things that at the time did not seem too important.
Did the difficulties with your H started around the same time this lady left your H?
Now, if he had or has an A, it is very painful and will break you for awhile. The good news is that you won't die, by the way, you will get a lot better.
It also does not mean you won't fight for your M, your Love and your family. I am D and things are still happening in my sitch. There is nothing written in stone and sure there is nothing that will stop you from fitting.
It means you need to fight hard, and harder. It means learning some serious boundaries, what is really important to you. What you can live with or without. I means your priorities and not his anymore. It means to be strong every time you need to be around him, talk to him, resolve with him.
But it does not mean... "I won't cry anymore over this" - for me this is a bunch of bull. You will cry a lot more, you will hurt a lot more. It is something that is happening for real and it is not a walk in the park.
So find ways to cope with your pain. Everyone is different. If you need meds, then go to a doctor and get your prescription. There are mild anti depressants that will help to break the edge and you will be able to function better.
If it is the IC. Talk to the bastard and explain that it is all taking a toll on you and you are finding difficult to cope with all the changes. He cares, so he will agree that you may need help.
I could not cry all the time, so some days I set up a time to have my "Pity Party". I cried, I try to remember my good times, bad times, make sense of the feelings inside of me. I gave myself room to be weak, weary, confused. You know when the movies show someone with a big pot of ice cream and a lot of tissue boxes. Well, I did that without the ice cream so I would no gain weight. But I did the tissue boxes.
You need to work on the pain and use it to give you strength, you can't ignore it or it will haunt you forever. Let it hurt in your bones, your blood, and your heart and then let it go and face the next day. Strong, confident, knowing who you are. Knowing you allow yourself to be weak because you are strong to do it.
It may be war time for you, you have us as your brothers and sisters in this dark time. Put your gear on, get your weapons cleaned up and stand up tall to fight yet another day.
You can do this and we all know. I believe in you. Others believe in you.
If you want to share your thoughts, write here, there will always be someone to give you a lift.
