Hi Anjo , read all your posts and the comments and would like to add my pennies worth Your anger and impatience are completely understandable and it's easy to understand why XH comes forward a bits d then pulls back , this is very hard for you but you need to relax back , live your life and let what will happen , happen
My opinion is XH will want to have a new R but he's still struggling with MLC and he's not quite ready
The more you live your life and continue to be the wonderful Pink we all know then the more XH will come forward BUT it will take time Anjo and only you can decide if you want to wait For me , I hope you wait and give yourself time to decide what you really want Have no regrets and in a few years be able to look back and know you gave it your all
Its very unfair because your XH did a terrible thing and he should be on his hands and knees begging for another chance but that's not real life Anjo and we all have pride and an ego. For the outside looking in he is coming forward but it's slowly and that's why it's hard for you to see
Sorry to hear you were unwell and I hope the blizzards stop soon
I have been following your situation. What a wild ride we are on!
You are handling the ups and downs so well. Its hard to see the forest when your face is against a tree, but there are so many positives with your MLCer. You and you alone get to decide how much you can take of the roller coaster. But he seems to be struggling and fighting within himself.
He knows he treated you badly. The guilt of hurting someone he loves is a hard thing to face. The fear of doing it again and not trusting himself while he is dealing with the emotional and mental turmoil of MLC is also something that will hold him back. But I think that he cares and is drawn to you enough that he wants to keep in contact. This is in your favor. He hasn't just "disappeared".
Its a long haul and painful, with many dips into anger and despair, but the decision to stand is ultimately yours to make. I am cheering you on, crossing my fingers, and sending good thoughts your way from my little corner of the forest of MLC land. We all need someone to point out that the forest is there, even though we have a view only of the bark right in front of us.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
It's possible that you are more detached these days. Continue to love yourself and the woman you are today. If he doesn't come back, it's his loss.
I hope that you can enjoy your weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey lovely! Hope things went okay with your trip Sweetie.
"Love myself more then just feeling bad because he doesn't want me. I am me, and for that alone I am good with myself."
I think the above is a really good perspective to have - I love you, but I love me more - and if you choose not to be with me, that doesn't diminish my own sense of worth at all. Really pleased to see you post this. I try and think this way and manage it some times. Other times, I'm plagued with some self-doubt - maybe I'm not half as great as I think and H will run happily off into the sunset with OW! But I catch myself on that one pretty early now.
Look forward to hearing from you and take care my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It was not my best weekend, but some realities are becoming part of my life and I think it is time to face them as they are.
Friday 3/25 Like I said before I was very much on my own. I knew I need to concentrating in resolving what I needed about S18 college.
I did not pursue, not initiate conversation. I answered what came my way, was polite, but that is about it. XH kept asking if I was OK. Finally when we were back at the house, he mention that he hoped I feel better. I looked at him and said that I did not get why he keeps thinking I am not OK. I said I was OK, feeling good and there was nothing wrong. That I was just concentrated in resolving all what I needed to.
He said that he felt I was mad. I then said that I did not have any reason, but yes, I was worried about doing the right thing for my kid and was paying a lot of attention on that.
He said he would go out to get something to eat. I left before he was back.
Saturday 3/26
Get an early message from XH saying that the kids did not want to go to the mountains and that he would pick them up from 2pm to 3pm.
I was lying down on the couch watching TV with S15, when he saw me he came and sat by my feet. I turned around and he then stood up to get a cup of tea.
I started doing some work around the house. Every time I came around, he would approach me, trying to make conversation. Then he said that he had some papers from his tax return for me to sign it. Well, I signed and gave him the info he needed.
I was not the happiest camper and he could tell I was upset about it. He started apologizing for his need to ask me to do that.
By one hand it is not so bad that he is polite with me, but by other hand I am kind of tired of his BS. It's unnatural to treat the situation as if nothing happen and we are super happy.
I then changed the subject and asked what was his plans for Easter. He said that he would go to church and that he was invited by his pastor to have Easter super with then.
I said that if he would like, that he could join us for dinner and even help to cook. He said right away that he would be very happy to join us and said that he would just need to stop by his pastor's house to say hi to them since they invited him.
I said that he did not need to change his plans, that it was OK if he wouldn't come and he said that he wanted to be with his family. He said all this like he would burst in tears.
I sat by the table to sign the papers and give him the info he needed and he started again saying how much he was sorry to ask me to do that.
I then lost it. I said that it was not about him or that I did not want to get it done. It is the idea of doing it that bothers me. That I am still dealing with this and I just want to run away from it.
He said that he feel very sorry about this and that he cares for me. Then started saying that he also feel bad about this whole thing and that he has nothing and how his life is a big nothing, and blah, blah, blah.
Then I lost even further and I empty my chest. I looked at him and said that this is all a bunch of BS. That the real thing here is that he dumped me and moved on is his life. That this is what I need to deal and that there is no sorry that will change that.
I also asked him when we will start the divorce process in Brazil since we are still legally married there. That it is another annoying thing that we need to get done for good. That we are still married because our real marriage was done there.
He then did not say anything. Not a word, besides saying that he is sorry that he made all this decisions.
It was time for him to leave with the kids since the boys were all around saying that they want to leave. My kids always do this once they see we start talking about this things.
They left and I was thinking I was going to get a text thanking me for the dinner invitation but he wouldn't come, but no, I got no text.
Sunday 3/27
I get a message from XH at 5:15 saying he would be at the house by 5:30 - he comes and is all smiles.
We hug, and wish each other Happy Easter. Then he tells me about his church and the service, asked me about the food and start helping preparing some.
We had a good time, we laughed, we talked, we helped each other. But then the conversation become about "US". Every time we would talk about even the food and he would say something about the past.
I then lost again and this time I just empty my chest for good. This was not DB rules, this was not pretty and I did not even care anymore.
I looked at him and I asked why is this so hard to understand that life is not just this amazing playground that that I am not his kindergarten buddy. That it is very hard for me to just keep talking about our lives together.
That I understand and accept his choice but that I did not want and don't want all of it.
That he left me. That he is always crying the milk spilled but he is moving on as he said he would. That he does not have any responsibility with other human being besides himself on an every day basis, that he is always saying how miserable his life is and yet that is what is best for him.
He then said that I was unfair saying all this to him.
I look at him and said: "You dumped me. My life changed, I was cheated, ignored for many years, alone resolving many issues with kids. I had dreams and they are shattered, I had plans and they are forgotten, I have my family and it is broken. I gave my life to raise my kids, to help him and his career and all that because I bloody trusted him.
I said to him that I regret my choices, many of them. That I do not want to regret anymore and that is the stage I am right now. I said that I won't cry forever, I won't blow my life out of proportion and that I will somehow move on.
But that does not mean I have my wounds, that I am suddenly an Iron woman and can take whatever s**t he throws on me. That I also have my feelings and I also deal with them every single day.
He then said that he understands my anger. Then I said that if he understands that I am dealing with my anger and resentment, then why he keep asking me many things.
I said that I get that life is not easy for both of us, that we both are paying a heavy price for all what happen, but that it is none of my business to deal with his issues and that I need to focus in my own life.
That right now what I see is that I am still the idiot I have been for many years. That I am still the one that needs to stand up for others and he is still the one worry about his own self.
That when he is so sorry for himself of going back to a place without his family, well, I am the one that needs to solve, resolve, take charge for three other lives.
That while he has his master's degree, his career, his success, I am the one that needs to start building a life because my plans where all forgotten.
That yes, we had plans and that right when was my time to do something for myself, well, that is the time that he decided to put a foot on my a**.
I said that I can have some sympathy for his pain, but he is again doing what he wants to do and I am not in a mood to look at it anymore. That his life, his decisions, and all the outcome from it does not really matter to me anymore.
That right now I know I need to move on and be worried about myself and that is about it.
He then started saying how much he cares for me, that he loves me more then I think, that he loves me not just as the mother of his kids, but his love for me is very deep and that I won't ever understand the way he feels.
I said that it is very nice and touching but the bottom line is that he does not want me in his life and that this is my reality and I am tired of hearing how much love is there and that he did not ever want to give our family, our marriage, our lives, our love a chance to see if it would ever work.
I said that he left and decide his life was somewhere else so then be it. That the best thing for me would be to just put a lot of distance between us, that he needs to get his stuff from the garage and leave once for all.
He said that my words hurt him, that he tough I did not love him and his decisions were all based on the fact that I was tired of him. That he was a jerk and never a nice person to me and that he felt I fell out of love for him and he asked me a divorce thinking he did me a favor.
That now he sees that he was wrong, but that does not change what it is right now. That he took his decisions and he needs to live with it.
Then we stopped talking, he kept being very nice to me. Told me he was going to make a nice steak for me and I said he did not need to bother about it. He said that he would do because that is the least what he can do.
We had dinner altogether, everything was nice. Then we walked to the front of the house to talk a bit and he apologized for all the pain he has caused me.
I said that I feel like running far away, disappearing forever but I have still a way to go until S15 finish high school. That I just need to put my head down and finish the job.
He said that he just want me to understand that his life is not all this fantastic life, that I think he has everything figured out and that his life is a mess. That he has his job and he likes what he does and for the first time he is being recognized for his hard work and he has his family... "you and the kids" (great).
Then he said that about everything else he is lost, he feels lost and he is trying to place some pieces together and see if he can make some sense of all this.
That he is almost closing on this place that he can bring the kids overnight, but it is still not ideal but that is what he can do for now.
He said that he is not with anyone and won't be for a very long time. He said that he can't tell about tomorrow but he does not see himself in any R in the close future. That he is not with OW since last year and has nothing with her, but he still have feelings for her.
That he wishes I can understand that he loves me and that it won't change ever. That he won't love any woman in this planet and he loves me and it is not because I am the mother of his children.
That he was hurt for a very long time knowing that I did not love him, did not want to be with him anymore. That I was miserable and all what he could think about was to run away because he was making my life worse. That he decided to leave so I would be happier.
He said that the words I said to him did hurt him a lot. Did it was not fair for me to say all this to him because I am the one person he cares the most besides his kids.
He needed to leave because he would be traveling very early today. He asked me to let him know where we will meet for S15 B-Day celebration on Wednesday and that he appreciate I kept silent about his surprise.
He then asked for a hug. We hugged to say goodbye and he said he loves me and will always love me. I then said that I too love him and will always love him.
*******************
Bottom line, he loves me but he is not in love with me.
Yeah, that is what it is. He loves me for what it was. But he does not love me for what it is.
I need to let go for real because he does not want me anymore. I need to forget him, take him from my heart. Really, really, kill him forever inside of me.
This is not what I aimed for. This is not what I want. But I can't make him to just love me again if he does not want it, and he does not.
It is clear that he made his choices and will leave with it. It is also clear that he wants to be the best in what he does at work so he can impress OW and maybe go back in that R.
It is clear he is building his life again. And I am not included in that life.
It was and is clear to me that he is done with me for good.
I don't know what to do anymore besides living my life. I will try with all my strength to take him from my heart. I think that it is the best I can do for myself at this point in time.
I need to face all my regrets, my pain, my losses, my anger, resentment. I need to face it all and somehow move on from here.
It is very unfair that our love did not have any chance, but it is what he wants. I need to accept that he fell out of love for me and there is not way around it. He does not want me anymore and that is what it is.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, I guess no one of us know either, but I need to put distance between us. It is not good for me anymore to hear all this love you and know that the same person that is saying that to you, also does not want you anymore.
I would like that he would give us a chance, but I believe he won't.
I just don't know what to do right now. I feel lost. I am feeling very down on myself today. I don't know if there is anything else I can do. I wish I knew, I wish I can behave or say the words that will make him fall in love with me again.
But I feel hopeless. All what I feel today is that there is nothing else to do, nothing will bring him back, he is done.
That all sounds very difficult Sweetie and I can see how you might feel disheartened. However, I don't see him as 'done' I see him as confused and processing. It also concerns me that OW is still somewhere in his mind and there are some feelings - even if the A isn't active just now. Maybe he was dumped by her?? IDK.
What I would suggest is that you may want to draw back again on the contact. I don't think either of you are at a stage where having R talks is that productive and it just seems to cause pain. I don't think you need to see yourselves as done - but perhaps try to recognise the pressure that conversations like these cause - particularly for a distressed and confused MLCer - and of course for you.
I appreciate he initiated them. However, he was invited to a family event and did have the opportunity to do that. Perhaps if he is in the house another time and keen to initiate a 'talk' you could kindly say something along the lines of - H, I'd prefer we don't discuss this right now. If you want to talk another time, we can arrange to do that - but today, I'd like to relax and enjoy a dinner with the boys....
You are still rollercoastering along with him at times and I think for self preservation it is best if you can observe more and note to self 'oh, that was interesting' without being too emotionally engaged with him.
For now, look after yourself and give yourself some time to recover - draw back to essentials only and minimal/pleasant. You only need to make yourself as available to him as you want to just now.
Take care & just keep moving forward xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
That is my idea... just no contact, or at least minimum contact. XH doesn't really initiate R talks in a sense that he will say he wants to talk about.
He keep pressing bottoms, he literally walks around me, follow me around, is very gentle and keep telling about his life, actually everything. Work, church, his plans for new place, his family, what is happening there.
So you see, it is not like he ask me to sit down and talk about us. There is no "us", but there is a lot of "us".
I don't really know what he wants beside feeling like he does not want me. It is like I love you, but do not want you.
He does not say loud and clear also " I do not want you in my life". That is my interpretation from him saying that he made his decisions and needs to live with it.
I also don't understand that if he knows my opinion about the whole divorce and our R. Why he expose himself to more of what does not matter for him?
He can easily eliminate my physical presence from his life. He can avoid me always and forever, and yet he comes in a house and stay around me.
He can also come to pick up the boys, even come inside the house and then say hi to me, maybe ask me how I am doing and then move into just giving attention to the kids. But he doesn't, he wants to talk to me.
Well, maybe you are right and he is still mixed up, confused, processing.
And you are right about the distance for now. I just can't do this to myself anymore. I even feel ashamed of myself for still having hope. It's like hoping a dead friend would just come back after cremation.
Besides that, I started feeling the absence of love in my life. I have many different kinds of love. But I miss a man's love, the one that can boost my ego. I am alone for a long time.
It would be easier if he just ignore me and does not open a little tiny bit of a chance for us to talk. Or it would be easier if he wants to work on "us". But it is very hard to be in between, he does not want it, but does not do anything to be out of the radar.
By the way, I forgot to mention that in the middle of our conversation after dinner. When he actually said he is lost, I said that I understand what he went through, that I understand why he had the affair, and that I understand that his childhood is still playing a big game inside of him and that his crisis is still happening.
He looked at me very intense, like reading me. The he said that it wouldn't be that simple to just get back together, that it would be very hard and would be a lot of work.
I said that I understand that too. That I also believe that would be a lot of work from both of us.
Then we got into something else.
Just so tired of all this right now. I will let it go this time.
I do not think your h is done, nor do I think that your relationship w/him is completely over yet. I know that you are still on the rollercoaster of emotional h@ll and yes, it takes a lot of time to find your footing.
I would suggest that you attempt to have as little contact as possible for a while. This will help you find your footing again and be able to deal w/him. You have told him how you feel and now you need to stop telling him about it. He knows that he did wrong and reminding him about it often isn't going to help bring him closer to you and want to return. So, please step back and just leave him be as much as possible. I know he seeks you out and that's when you have to think of him as the mail delivery person and not the man you married. It's tough, but you can do it.
Try to find your balance this week. Dig deeper for patience and know that you are going to be okay no matter what happens...but most importantly, please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
