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86 pages! That is how many pages I have skimmed and read and have caught up on. 86!! To answer your question from my thread, nope no idea how to define your stitch just like we have no idea to define mine. It is interesting, Very very interesting and confusing.

Cira you are amazing! You are brazillian, I'm half honduran. We have that latin fire somewhere in us to be sassy strong amazing people.

How was happy hour and the samba party?

You always always help me, more then you know. Sadly I think my h and your xh could be best friends. The way they act and the way they can be are so similiar. It is probably why all my advice I get from you and follow helps me so much just for me and having to deal with him and the way he is.

I like everyones suggestions of small steps and trying to start off and be friends. It is horrible being patient isnt it.


Me:24 H:26
T:7yrs M:4yrs
S:4 D:5
ILYBNILWY 12/5
PA Confirmed 2/19


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Hi Pink,
Please take this with a grain of salt (and some lime, and maybe a tequila shot too wink )

It seems to me that you are reacting to H rather than responding and honey it's causing you a lot of turmoil. I say this because I am reading your posts and see myself in your reactions and my H also) My DB coach has told me many times that my H and I constantly react to each other and things escalate from there in the direction I don't want to go in. That we need to stop reacting and a person in the throes of MLC isn't able to do this - it is up to the LBS to do that hard work and set the tone, and keep it even.

So -- my best advice is to stop, take a deep breath and go on an inward journey past all the sadness, past all the pain to that still place deep inside your heart ... once you are there take several more deep breaths and sit in the stillness and ask yourself what you really truly want, in life, from this relationship ... the answers will come to you. bring those answers back with you and write them down on a piece of paper. When you find yourself reacting, look at the paper and ask if what you are about to say or do is going to bring you closer to those goals.

Honey I am an incurable romantic so factor that in but I think this man wants you back and doesn't know how to fix the mess he's created. He for sure has work to do, but so do you because reacting isn't going to give you what you want. Responding will. We can only respond when we are detached.

(See Job, I do pay attention mwah :* )

I know you are afraid and don't want to be hurt again. I get it, believe me. But if you want him back, you at some point are going to have to risk being vulnerable. That doesn't mean you have to be completely open all at once. Baby steps, Pink ... go inward, find your answers there, bring them back with you and try to remember them in the thick of it. God will help you with patience and to be non-reactive. You only have to ask. You have many people who care about you and want to see you happy, me included xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi Anjo. I hope you had a great time last night. You asked how you open the door a small bit.

IMHO you treat him like a good neighbour and don't be negative or say that things like " I'll be out when you come " or. "'I'll go when you aren't there "', things like this. You don't have to encourage him but you don't need to discourage him either.

I'm not suggesting you let yourself get hurt by rushing but the wild animal analogue comes to mind. Let him come to you but don't spook him with sudden movements or R talk that he's not ready for

just my humble opinion Anjo.

Take care. Rd. xxx

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Pink

My thinking is that before you do anything else then Pink has the job of putting the memories of WH transgressions into her life story.

That is work.

Then to decide if TauC (OW) is really in the past for both Pink and WH.

Has WH truly let go of TauC? If this despicable French fancy returned would this be off and running again? This scuzzy is more than capable of attempting to set the hares running again, just for her amusement. It has always been my view this affair fog was linked to this particular specimen and his behaviour as a result of his infatuation. I have no doubt she is up to tricks elsewhere with another high fly husband because it boosts her ego. She will have a target no doubt, however she may try to recycle your WH.

Can you put this delightful pond scum in the past, put her memory where it truly belongs in the sluice bucket and flush it? Can you decide that this awful type of OW is a hot mess and of no import long term, only a symbol of this phase of your R.? In the short term nasty wormy OW is very damaging to M and long term a discard. This type really isn't a keeper and when the addiction wears off or the OW goes through devaluation and discard (or finds a better target) which guy would want an R? I believe this A was never headed for a long term R, it would spoil TauC fun in life.

Only Pink can decide this.

In the end it is the LBS that decides.

It is early days Pink, you have time on your side.

You are unsure and still love XWH. So be neutral, just warm. Leave the emotional door open and the physical one closed but unlocked when you decide it's appropriate.

If you move xWH stuff out of your home or force him then I think you send him a very clear go away message. If it were me I would have everything packed away for collection. When xWH asks for something say I packed your stuff in boxes, I suggest you collect your things and then you can look for it. XWH I think that is sensible so that your stuff is one place. I am spring cleaning and having a clear out and I want to be sure your stuff is safe. You can leave your fishing rods, tool kits, (inconsequential something) here if you like until you need them. You can buy a small shed to put that sort of stuff in and give h the lock.

The other thing I might do if I were Pink is get a second phone, transfer all your other calls to it and leave the old one only for XWH and the kids. Any texts about food etc to do with the boys forward it to them copy in XWH.

Otherwise Pink I know little of Reconciliation and Piecing, so you can take my views as just 2c worth.

I really want the best for my precious Pink and if that includes or excludes R, you have my best support.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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You may get inspiration from this post

letting go of the damage Tx

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi my Lovely, dearest and best, best friends in my whole world...without you all I would be just a piece of junk right now... you give me strength, courage, empowerment, a desire to fight, tears on my face... you are all so much more in my life then you can ever grasp.

Thank you, thank you and thank you, my words can't even be close to the gratitude I feel from feeling the love you all spill on each word you write to me.

Last night:

It was amazing, I danced, danced and danced a little more. I pampered myself with a new skirt (lace the way I love), black, not too short, but kind of because the lace material. I also got myself a blouse, also black (well I still have my wild black side, some vampire spirit I always had). The blouse was tight in the under part and a flying transparent cover, gorgeous, had new earrings, new necklace. I was feeling good.

Met with my brazilian friends, many were there, and some had the hubbies, boyfriend. My Divorce support group was there too and I was back and forth in the two groups and dancing like a butterfly. Yes, I have the Samba on my feet and I am a very good dancer. Some people ask me how I learned to dance so well and I say "My dad thought me to dance with a broomstick and on top of his feet since I was very, very young".

Now, one thing that is a constant in my life is that I am always a "connection", people look up to what "Cira" is planning. I am busy as hell and everyone calls me and asked me what we will be doing.

Even my Divorce group is putting me in charge of things. I try to get myself out because it is really nice to just go with the flow, but this is always a constant in my life. Everyone looks up to my decision.

I guess it is because I am so free I am not afraid to decide. I am kind of an open book, I do not have too many secrets and I am very spontaneous. So I do what I want to do and that is it. I actually never looked at this so much as I am trying to understand my traits in life as I do now. Thinking about even my bosses ask me sometimes what is better to do in this or that situation, or they say that it is up to me and they will be ok with whatever I decide for them.

I guess doing this inward stuff is making me to find out someone I did not know well.

By, comments apart, I just want to say that I had a lot of fun. It was really enjoyable. Felt very loved as usual. I am thinking I should drop the victim card once for all in my life and just accept that people do love me because I am a lovable person period.

I am thinking about all what you guys said to me and there is a lot of good work for me to do.

I always take the sweet time to do the work you guys tell me and I will do that this weekend.

About the reaction: I realized that my crazy XH had me right were he wanted. I was literally jealous. Once he texted me that he would like to cancel the boys on friday night I was mad because I was jealous.

I tough, oh, so now he has a date and does not even respect me and wants to change schedule at the last minute. Yes, I reacted to that. And the idiot knows me very well. He knew I would be burning like a hot charcoal.

Did he do this to bother me? Maybe not, maybe he had a date or got together with some friends, who knows. It could be anything. I have two highways here. Or he is busy or he is really doing the MLC stuff and is trying to mess up with my mind. The food stuff I mention, I need to mention that he text me but he copied the kids too. So he is covering his steps, if I say he is bothering me with his text and he needs to contact the kids, then he will say that he copied them and they could answer.

So, I paid attention on that and asked the kids to decide what they want. They said: if he is busy and cancel his time with us, then we just cancel his around. Good enough for me, I was not in a mood to make things easy for him. So, nobody answered him, nobody contact him. We talked, I said I was a phone call away and would be checking my phone time to time, I asked them do not go to Denver, and not drink and drive. That we could al have fun and tell about our fun over and 12noon breakfast the next day.

And we did. Nothing bad happen, and I see I made the right decision to get another family car, now we have more freedom and we do not need to ask XH for help.

Well, I will go now and will reply each of you with my homework. I feel you guys gave some very important points to think about and I will.

Wonka, I did start reading "Raine's thread" and I feel I am reading my own story, it's crazy.

Love to you all and I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend. If you are in the east, please keep yourself warm.

Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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Hi Anjo. Night out sounds great. Vanillias post said it all You need to forgive H. Whether you get back with H or not (. I think the choice will be yours eventually ) you need move past what H did

It's clear to most of us he's in MLC and you need to accept this

it won't be easy but your an exceptional person and capable of doing anything

Relax back and let H do him This will be your choice in the end

Take care Rd xxx

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YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPEN...

I am tired but I can't just wait to tell you all about my evening.

I had a hell weekend. Was very sick. I felt like just after my roll over accident. Then yesterday morning I woke up around 5am and couldn't put myself to sleep. Took a shower, got dressed and was ready for work when I tough that it was tuesday. The day that XH said they had the church service.

It was all so unreal. I had a super busy day at work. Did nothing besides working hard. It was about 5:30pm when I left the office and came home super fast.

When I got home I did not care much if the boys wanted something. I just told them to eat whatever because I had something to do.

I did not think too much. I just drove to that church. Had a hard time finding parking space (of course Boulder at 6:30pm). When I finally found parking it was almost 7pm.

I though it was not that good but it did not stop me. I went to the wrong church and was told that it was a block away on the other side of the street. Still I was not thinking much, I just walked there.

Strange as it is, I did not have any expectations, I was not anxious or nervous, I was just there, just being myself and yet I did not feel like being myself exactly.

I saw XH's car parked on the street in the way to the church and just did not feel a thing. Walked straight in and a lady gave me a big hug and said welcome in spanish.

I hugged back, saw that XH was there by himself. I did not walk straight at him, but towards him. I put my purse and coat on a chair and closed my eyes and prayed. There was a woman pastor preaching.

I was standing with my eyes shut and felt a hand on my shoulder. It was XH, he said that he was happy to see me and gave a hug. I said thank you.

He went back to his chair and I stayed in my chair. We did not sit together. I was on my own, I felt good with myself and did not really cared that he was there. I just prayed to God the whole time.

At the end, I put my coat on and was getting my purse when XH came and asked me to stay. He said that there was a girl's 18th birthday and they would have a cake and a short celebration. I said that I did not want to bother or put my nose on his business. He said that I wouldn't and he really would like for me to stay. That he was really happy that I was there.

I again did not think much. Did not have any expectation in my mind. It just happen.

We started talking, some people came to us and he introduced me first as "a friend", then when he spoke about our kids I told them I was his XW.

I was very welcome by everybody. Got lots of hugs. Now I just believe that I am very charismatic because people just like me because...

Xh told me about his ordeal with the church. What he did on the weekend. That he went to dinner with some of the couples that were there and that he was the only one by himself. That it was awkward and kind of sad because it was valentine's day. I did not say anything about it, I just listen to him and enjoyed it. But it did not bother me either, to talk about it.

I told him my weekend ordeal too. He was very worried and said I should have called him if I was not feeling good. Again, I did not say a thing or react to it. I just smiled and said that I will call him the next time.

We talked about the church, the people, the way things are changing us. He told me that he is cleaning himself and is starting feeling a lot better without any drugs. That his faith is helping him to see things different.

Many times he put his hand on my back when we moved from one place to another, just the way he always did. Sometimes he put his hand over my shoulder. He got chairs for just the two of us and sat very close to me. We talked, we laughed, we cried and it was all so simple. I was calm, caring, discrete. When I think about it now, I don't even know what got into me that I was so detached.

When we finished eating the cake, he asked me if he could introduce me to the main pastor. The man that actually brought him to that church. We walked together and he introduced me to the pastor and his wife. His wife at some point start saying that there was a strong reason why I was there. That God does work in mysterious ways and that his work is healing our hearts.

That we need to take time and talk, and not just talk with our wounds, but leave things in the past and start a new journey and talk with open hearts and if there is a chance to be happy that we need to make the most to grab that chance and be strong together.

That what is happening to us is the work of the Lord and that what was united in God's name won't ever be broken by man. That she feels we have a lot unfinished and we just need to hand it to our Lord and put the best of ourselves forward and let it happen.

I listen to her, XH also listen and paid attention. He did not say anything but did not left either. He just kept bouncing his head in a yes motion. I mention that I always felt a strong desire to run away and the distance would take care after all issues, but it is not the plan and I can't do it now. What she replayed that it is not what I want but it is the path that was created by God that I need to follow.

They said that they really want to see me next week. I then said that I am an open book and I say things straight forward, and that I just don't want to be in my XH's space and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable.

He said that he gave all the information but did not tell me when to go because he knows I would not show up. That I did go just because it was my choice. But now, if I liked the place, he would like me to go again. That it will make him really happy if I would like to join next week.

Once we were done, I hugged a lot of the ladies and they were all very, very nice. This are very good heart people. I told XH I need to go and he said he was leaving too.

When we walked by his car he did not stop. I told him that he did not need to walk me to my car because it was a bit far. He looked at me and said "You know I won't let you walk alone".
He walked with me talking. I drove him back to his car and when we got there we talked about wednesday logistics with the kids and I mention my whole day visits to colleges with S18.

I also said that I will need his help with the scholarships letters and he said that he wants to participate in everything.

He took my hand and had tears on his face. He said that he was really happy that I was there. That he thinks it will be good for him and for me. He gave me a strong hug. He kissed my chick, then my front head.

I thanked him for letting me to participate and meet so many great people. He said thank you for coming and making me happy. We said this to each other and he was holding my hand.

He started crying and I gave him a hug and said that I don't want to see him crying anymore, that I want to see him happier and smiling. He said that he does not cry because he is sad as much anymore, and that he was crying because he was feeling something good inside him.

I mention that it is the healing crying, something I have been doing too. It's not pain, it is letting the pain go. We hugged again and he gave me a kiss on my lips. You know, the quick one, like friends do sometimes.

I said take care, he said drive safe and left my car. I drove away.

I still don't know how I could do all this. I am amazed with myself. I did not know I had it inside of me. How could I be calm, OK with everything. Looking back, it is like I was someone else.

XH was polite as usual, but not the just polite kind of thing. He was genuine, he was caring. He was really happy I was there. His eyes where on me, he admired me. He spoke highly about my language gift, and how I use my spanish to help my company. He was proud to say good things about me.

What just happen I don't know how to place it inside the MLC. That this change anything? NO. We are still divorced. That this is a start in the right direction? Maybe, I don't know. That I will call or text him tomorrow? NO.

The truth is that this came become something or it is just nothing. I can't tell. I guess I got to this point in my sitch that it does not matter anymore. I want him, I don't need him. And if I just want him, then I want him if he wants me. If it is understandable.

I am thinking to go next tuesday. XH told me that he will be there on Sunday. But I don't want to suffocate him or get myself suffocated. I guess tuesday is just right for us to share that time practicing our faith.

I welcome the 2 x 4s if needed. But I feel good with myself.

Love you... You are the reason I am actually feeling good today.

Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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Hi Pink really touching post. So glad you went to the church when he was there

From the outside it seems H is reaching out and you were perfect.

Having no expectations is very tough but it's the way forward.

All the signs are positive and keep on the same track and see what happens

Really pleased you had a great time and the people in the church sound nice


Take care. Rd

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PInk your hard work is the reason you are feeling good. I'm very happy for you. Keep going on Tuesdays. I think this is where you get to see what God has planned for you. xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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