Hi Anjo. Sotto and Job have given great advice. I too think that your H is not done but this is a very long process and you wanting it over is completely understandable Try the no contact and see how you feel , maybe a change in the dynamic will help you
XH is still spinning and I think he is having glimpses of the fog clearing but just glimpses
Look after Pink , enjoy your life and let everything else just happen
Today is a new day and another chance to make it right. I am not feeling so bad after all. I think I am getting used to ups and downs and don't get so up or so down anymore.
I still feel everything but I do not have much time to spend feeling sorry for myself. My pride is getting stronger lately and I have been drawing the line of how much humiliation I allow myself to take.
This man did a number in my life and indeed I am the one allowing him to step on my head over and over.
Ciluzen - thank you for posting, I appreciate. The notion of him feeling bad because he knows what he did is something interesting. I do not think much about that, but I think you are right that it is some of his pain too. Regarding XH, I do not see the forest anymore, I think it is long gone with some big Colorado fire.
NYGal - we are riding the waves and it is a wild ride. I am not so negative about the whole ordeal, but for sure the wind on my face is wearing down my strength to keep riding. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Sotto, RD and Job - Thank you for your advices, it really help reading someone else take on my sitch. I believe that you are all right and the best I can do is to keep my sweet distance.
It is not difficult at all for me to just disappear. Most of the time I know when he is coming to pick up the boys, so I can manage to be out. And the truth by now is that I am ready to set a goal for myself of NC for 30days to start with.
Yes, it is too bad that my M went down the drain, that the family I had is no more, that the man I trusted is a jerk, that the friend I had does not exist any longer, that the love I felt did shattered and the pieces may never be put together anymore.
But I still have work to do for my kids. My little one is turning 16 tomorrow and I still need to be the rock for him. I am actually the rock-n-roll too, since I am a funny mom.
I believe XH is in a MLC, sometimes I believe he is by the MLC books with all the characteristics very clear of what he is going through. And again you are all right that talking him into any reason is a waste of time and it will only hurt further.
Being honest with myself and with all of you, the rollercoaster happen because I allow it to happen. Sometimes I think that being his friend is showing him I care, sometimes I think he needs to see and hear that he is welcome close to me. That life is full of possibilities and we all make mistakes that we may regret.
Is this working for me? NO - It is not working well at all. He comes around like he is just being friendly and wants to be my friend and then start talking in circles without really putting things straight out there.
Is this because he is sick with this MLC? I guess it is. When I think about, XH does not make any real sense. And the biggest one for me is - Why the hell is he exposing himself to this kind of talk, situations, encounters, dialogues, confrontations, discussions, emotions, etc?
I stressed the subject with some close girlfriends, even some guy friends and you guys and the only thing I get is that - "He is not done with you yet!"
I still struggle with the whole MLC and the truth behind it. I struggle to believe that people really go through such unbalanced thinking, emotional turmoil without seeing well the consequences. Unfortunately, I am in so long and so deep into this tornado that I am believing that it is a real thing.
When I talk to XH he listen to me and make sure I understand he is listening. But even listening to what I say he is always about himself. He seems oblivious to his surroundings. He feels very sorry for himself all the time. And in the same time I see that he uses his sorrow to punish himself.
He does not give a crap for what is my side of the story, he even says that I will always remember the wrong things about our M demise. He says that he understands and can see how much a bad person he was for me, but the truth is that he blames me for not letting him to just love me.
He says a million times that the way I want to see things is that he left me when the reality I was the one that left him much earlier, that I was ashamed to be with him, that I did not care for him anymore, that I did not want to be close to him.
When I mention that this was a reaction of someone hurt because I was practically a single person for a very long time, then he says right away that he loves me, always did and always will. Lately, he adds that he does not love me only as a mother of his kids, but the beautiful and amazing woman I am. That it is deepest then I will ever understand.
So, what is wrong with this idiot? I guess there is no more trying to make sense and seeing any reason in this mess. This is MLC. Every time I try to make 2 plus 2, I always get a 5. I keep asking myself if I am in a big denial and XH is just done with me and moving on with his life and I am the one fantasying that he may have any feelings for me or even wants to R one day.
But then other times I think about why is he allowing himself to keep this kind of dialog with me. He knows I did not want this D, he knows I want to work on "US", he knows I want my family back, that I care about him, that I am sorry for my part in this mess, that I would be willing to work hard and be back with him, willing to forgive his affair, willing to love him.
Why he doesn't walk away and don't look back. It is easy for me to disappear, and as well easy for him to disappear too. He can come pick up the kids and leave. He can avoid to be in a house whatever I am there. He can cut communication to zero and just use it if it is something about the kids.
Sometimes I feel like I am going totally insane.
Yes, MLC is destroying my family, or already did. I will post here whatever I can so others will read one day and will learn how painful and sad it is for all the ones involved.
That my life will turn around and I will be together with this man one day? I can't tell. I start believing that his ego, his pride, won't let him do it.
That I will hang myself in the garage and never see the sun again? No, not at all. Life is too precious to be wasted. Besides my M being destroyed, I still have a lot of joy in many other parts of my life. I still want to see the sun, the rain, snow, the wind blowing in my face.
My Resolution (my goal is a 30days for now)
I will go pitch black. NO CONTACT. This is not going to be easy since we have S18 graduation coming soon. But, it is not impossible and I will use all my will power to accomplished this goal.
What I intend with this? To play the hardest Harry Potter chess game. This is my next move and I think it is the smartest, besides being the only one wise choice at the moment.
I will work hard as hell, but I won't ask him for anything. I won't be the nice girl always going after him and including him in the kids lives. He is a big boy and will need to think once in his life.
I know I need to prepare myself because he will play his game too. But it is my best chance since I am very busy and have lots to do.
If you have any ideas, please let me know as I take every advice to my heart and it has been my guidance on this crazy ride.
Again, I can't say enough how much I appreciate all your help and caring. I am stronger because of you all.
Are you sure he still knows that you didn't want the D and that you want your family back? It sounds like he keeps putting his toe in the water to temp check, and you keep throwing ice in. He's going to give up if you don't give him some encouragement, Pink.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Hey Pink, my take is I wouldn't go completely dark. I think if you ratchet up comms then lock it all down, it's all still volatile and rollercoaster-like. I would aim for a more subtle withdrawal and earlier and pleasant cut off of convos like the one above, which spiralled downward and was difficult emotionally.
I think it is okay to have some contact with H, but on a draw back basis - occasional coffee perhaps, chat at the door and so on. And if convos move towards R - maybe stick to listen, validate, but not 'respond and engage' as such. I also think it's okay to gently let him know that you don't want to discuss R with him just now as you just want to have a relaxed evening or whatever.
I think your H is still struggling with his choices and is still rather self-focused and in pity-mode. And I do think you need to be the strong and steady one here.
JHMO of course, Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I agree w/the ladies. Sotto has it nailed down. Don't go completely dark, but you can do a subtle withdrawal and when the convos get to be too much, you can pleasantly cut them off or change the subject.
Pink, you have to look at your h as a next door neighbor or a cousin who pops in to see how things are going. If you continue to all your emotions to take hold, eventually he very well may walk away and realize that no matter what he does or says, it's over and hopeless to continue to try to reach out to you. Is this what you want? If not, please go back and read the detachment thread. It will help you.
Your h is still struggling to find his way and grow up and feel comfortable in his own skin. As he continues to travel the path, he's going to experience confusion, self absorption (on some level) and yes, the pity pot mode will come out to play a bit. He is looking to you as the lighthouse while he is trashing about in the storm on the open seas.
Dig deeper for patience and detach a bit more.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Morning sweeties, wow... these posts really flipped me from inside out.
I am almost getting to the conclusion that I am in MLC too. Just going totally crazy... just kidding.
Yeah, lots of tears as I walk through hell. But as Sotto said, I do believe that I need to be strong now and keep that strength flowing for all my guys (and best if they just trust without knowing).
I read the above "Explanation of Reconnection" and it is like reading what is happening in my life.
The ride is totally insane and sometimes I lose my focus because I do not understand well what is going on. First and most important, I need to believe with my pure heart what is happening to my XH and truly have compassion for all the pain he has and have been experiencing.
This last time, I was quite sure he wouldn't even come to the house for Easter as we had some not so nice interaction on Saturday. But he did.
He arrived all dressed up, actually wearing the tie I gave to him a few years ago. Dressing in blue that he knows I really love. He gave me a hug wishing me Happy Easter, had a big smile on his face.
When I asked how was church, he was genuinely happy, told me with a big smile that it was fantastic and he was really happy about it.
Looking back, he found a connection for us. We do share a strong faith in God and we talk about it very often and it is always very positive.
It's very complex to digest. He told me several times that the OW does not believe in God or any religion as a matter of fact. So, the one thing that he doesn't share with her and the one thing that he has pursuing to share with me.
Is this something that he is literally thinking to do? Maybe not. But I do feel special in that way because I know he trust me in that level. I know that he share his faith journey just with me. Maybe, it is his way of making me special as he says I am so darling to him.
Yes, I was really pushing him away if I think about. I did it all wrong exploding in his face. I put him against the wall and hold the automatic gun, loaded, engaged, ready to shoot.
I pushed him to talk about. I did not understand and did not have the patient to just listen to what he was saying. I felt hurt and let it take the best of me.
Maybe the reason he was getting closer is because I was more disconnected and did not press the issues. Then he gets this bitter person full of resentment and pain.
I do see what I did and I even know why I did. But I was wrong and did not think of how much this would hurt my cause.
He is doing all what is in that post and it is very correct. I said it before and I see it even brighter now that he is an MLC by the book.
The reason I feel confused on why he don't just go live the life of his choice and is always around for one reason or another is explained in many of the MLC books and well posted here by some great folks that went through it by themselves or with their spouses.
I guess I have some changes to do in myself as I too feel kind of lost so many times. My emotions take the best of my reason and sometimes I feel very hopeless as I have my XH so close and yet so far.
I was also reading about some positives that happen during this phase and recognized that some things are changing. Not big things, but maybe it is nice to recognize them.
I bought a nice and big piece of Ribeye Steak for roast. Then I decided not to make it because it would be too much food. XH said that it looked nice and agreed that it would be too much.
Then he asked me if I wanted the steak and I said it was OK, that I could get by without it. He then cut a nice piece from it and grilled it outside for me.
I said that he did not need to go through the trouble and he said that it was not trouble and that he wanted me to do this for me because he knows how much I like it and that he would share it with me.
It was nice and brought tears to my eyes. He saw that I was emotional about it. I thanked him and said I was sorry for getting all emotional over a steak but that I never tough he would do this for me. He just said that he cares for what I like.
Now, when I think more about it. I recall that we talked about the Love Languages and that we did to each other what was our own love language and did not address or understand the other person's LL. If I think hard, he was showing my LL, acts of service and he did it for me and the result was amazing. I was emotional because it was a really loving gesture for me.
Now, his LL is words of affirmation and physical touch. I really need to get into this and use it as he is showing me the way to get to him by doing it to me.
I guess that's why we have so many hugs all the time.
During the time we were cooking together, we also had some nice interactions. We agreed about preparing the food, we talked about our choices. He thanked me for doing all the hard work of shopping and getting all we needed. We laughed, we joked with each other. Several times he brought up things about us, what I like, the way I do, the way he does.
At one time we were both at the kitchen sink and he was dealing with some hot water. I was too close and he just bumped against me so I wouldn't get burned, I then bumped back and we laughed like just playing with each other.
When we were all 5 at the table, the kids said for us to get over the whole praying thing because they were starving. My kids are a little upset with God lately and did not want to pray much. So I said that they did not need to do it this year, that as their parents we would hold them with God by praying for them.
XH and I were sitting right beside each other so I offered my hand to him and he grabbed it. I said that prayer for our family with hand tight with XH. It was lovely, it was warm and touching.
Then, after so much nice stuff, I did my ignorant move. I pressured him in my own way to understand my pain, to see my side of the story. He even said that all what I was saying hurt him a lot because he recalls that I did not love him anymore and that's why he asked me for a divorce. Because he maybe the wrong decision thinking that I wanted it in the first place and he was just trying to give me my freedom back as he was afraid I was with him because I did not want to hurt him.
Yes, I did it all wrong... I feel like a complete stupid. That it will end my road to fight for my marriage. Hell not. It's not done until my heart is done. And as a fact, as much as I prayed for XH to be out of my heart, I can't just feel he is out.
Deep in my heart I believe there is something in the air. I can't really grasp of what it is. But I feel it is there. I guess that's why I get myself always facing the next day with hope.
I can't really explain with words because it is when he look into my eyes. It is when he hugs me. It is his caring and loving way of treating me.
What confuses me is FEAR. I feel his love for me, he even say that with words lately. In the same time the fear plays inside of me and I feel afraid that I am not seeing things clear and that I am in denial.
I really need to work on this Fear factor. I really need to dig deep and find the strength to let go and drop the rope. I feel I am closer now then before, but I still have a way to learn how to deal with my fear.
I also noticed that XH was always my grounding during times like this when I am overwhelmed with so much to do. Now, that grounding needs to be found inside of myself and I too get myself in a pity party mode.
I will follow the advice and not go totally dark. I will try my best to be patient and compassionate. I will do whatever it takes to have my family back. I do not want to move on knowing that I didn't do everything in my power to make it right.
If I need to move on and accept that XH and I have different paths, then I want to do it with my heart clean.
That said, today is my little guy's birthday. My younger gentleman is turning 16 today. I will text XH now to let him know where and what time we will be meeting to celebrate S16's birthday.
XH made a point that he changed his traveling schedule to make sure he will be present this year. In 2014 he was in a business trip and 2015 he was in France. This year he wants to make a surprise and asked me to arrange things and let him surprise S16. I told him I loved the idea and would keep his secret.
Again, he is really changing with his kids, he is being a lot more caring lately. And every single time he needs to mention and report what he is doing for the boys, like looking for an approval.
I have some questions, need some advices. I realize that I do a lot better with when I post here more often. I realized that I can't go on in this journey without you guys. I just don't have all what it takes inside myself alone.
I am strong and independent and I do not need XH, I am a lover of life, I am energetic, happy, full of life. I am a person of faith and would be nothing without my Lord and Father. But, this is way too deep into my soul and it hurts more then anything else I have experienced before.
And I need your help. I will make it a point to post often so I don't lose track of my actions, thinking, reactions. I want to do the right thing.
I need to work now and I will post some questions later.
I wish I could see you and tell you personally how much I appreciate that I have the chance to interact with you. My words can't translate my gratitude to you. I really, really love you with all my heart and I am very thankful for all you to me and for me. I don't know where I would be without you in my life.
Well, I sent a text to XH regarding S16 B-Day celebration:
Me - Hi XH, our little S16 chose to celebrate his B-Day at X (name and address) We are planning to be there by 7pm. Hope we won't hit too much traffic or it could be a little later then 7. I kept the secret. S16 has no idea that you will be there. It will be a big surprise for him. Thank you for doing this. I really appreciate your loving gesture.
XH - OK. Please text me when you are at the restaurant.
So, he will be joining us. And I need to behave as a cousin, neighbor. And with all the other stuff too. Being confident, content, independent, mysterious, being me at my best.
I collected the pieces this morning and will try again.
I like the text message and I hope that all of you have fun and just enjoy the celebration for your son.
Pink, you will do just fine. Breathe and think positive!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
