Pink's Journey - A New Horizon

[Pink17]

Hello my friends,

I have been very busy, actually tired with so much on my plate these days.

Reporting:

1.My Divorce support group is going well. It's a mix of feelings for me because it is almost a 100% directing you to built a new life and let go on the life you knew.
I understand the principle, I think I am just being pretty stubborn not accepting that it was and won't ever be.
Hope is dissolving as foam, and I find it difficult to just let go. The group is very supportive and I am learning a lot to believe it will be better tomorrow, even walking alone.

2.S21 is still dealing with doctors appointments and tests. Sometimes it just feel like the doctors don't have a clue of how to help him. I am keeping my support and love, but it wears me out.

3.S18 is in lazy mode and needs to be in crunch time mode, so lots of work on that teen. Last months of high school, preparing to enter college, driving stuff, scholarships letters, instrument rehearsal, you name it.

4.S15 is all American football. Tough guy kind stuff. Doing great in school. Still runs to my bed some nights, says that he can't sleep well.

5.Doing taxes. Can't believe that the government says I make too much money and will probably need to pay some back to them. Really? Who determines the amount of money that is enough to live these days. Do they ever buy anything in the supermarket.

6.BIL called. Wanted to talk to me and hear my side of the story. I was kind of caution, I don't really get why at this point in time he wants to know about it.
First question: Do you have a boyfriend? Someone in your life right now? I was vague, said that I do not have any serious relationship and do not want anyone too close to me right now. I said that I go out, have some fun.

He also told me that he wanted to talk to me first because his brother is trying to talk to him, whatever that means. Said that he believes his brother is very confused, that he is having a very hard time in his life, that his past is haunting him more then ever.

He thinks that XH is in MLC, what surprises me that he knows so much about it. He said that he believes that when he got sick with 2 cancers and almost died (had 5 surgeries) that coincidentally XH got himself into this mess.

XH told him that he finds out now that he was in desperation mode and felt like life would end next day, that he lost his father and was losing his older brother.

He asked me if I would take XH back and I said that I would if we could work on some issues from our individual life. But that was some thin hope because I believe that XH made his mind and is not turning back.

BIL said that he doesn't want to give me false hope but he wouldn't be surprise if XH would like another chance because he still loves me very much. That his A was some disaster and he does not care for that woman. He said that XH thinks I would never give him another chance because he did hurt me a lot.

I told BIL that in a marriage there is always mistakes from both partners and sometimes it is just impossible to blame one or the other, two people make wrong decisions and react to what is going on at that moment.

At some moment I also mention that XH stuff is still in my garage and that I think it is unfair that he just ignore my request for him to take it away. That it is not easy to just see this every day. BIL said that why it is so hard for me to understand that this is the last connection that XH has to the house, to the family, to me. That if he takes it away then he will be really gone. He said that it is not fair for me, but it is the way his brain thinks.

The conversation was good, I did say how unfair it was that XH did not give a chance for our family, that love was not strong and that I tough he valued our vows some more that he did.

We will see, some of my girl friends say that he was checking since XH does not have any direct way to ask me some of those questions. I don't know. I know they are very good friends, very close. I guess these days I just don't want to think much about it.

Regarding XH, I always say that I don't get it and I think it is better to leave it to MLC effect.

I get one or two texts every single day. Always bananas, nothing really important. But I get that he uses this to be present. And somehow his technique is working. I need to think he is alive every time I get some crazy text.

Some like: I have a bad cold and can't take the kids to and from school today. (next day he does not have any cold, huh?)

Yesterday he picks up the kids from school and then text me: I am having lunch @ Red Robin. W/S18 and S15.
(I am working and do not need to know).

This morning: Can you please help me to find by favorite brown belt that I think I left among the kids snowboarding stuff?

It's every day something to text about. It's insane.

I do not answer anymore. Most stuff just go by. I feel sad with all this, but I understand I can't control him and that is where he is at the moment.

But I confess that my hope is very thin and I find myself with none sometimes. I am getting to that stage in this process that I think that eventually he will find someone else around here. I don't know, but he won't be alone for long.

Me - I am going to a meditation session today, from 5-6pm. Asked XH to take S18 to guitar lesson and get some dinner for the boys.

Friday will meet some friends for a happy hour and then go to a samba party and dance, dance and dance.

Have a lot of work this week. It's just insane how many people lose their limbs.

I feel really good I could help Rednail a bit. I wish I could help others but my time is really limited. I guess if I stick around I will have some more time in the future.

Had the chance to cry together with NYGal last sunday. It was nice to share some low time with someone that understands me.

Have been a bad friend to RD500 and Sotto and they know what I mean with that. Will chat soon guys!

Hope everyone is doing well, I am looking forward of what is in the horizon. I think it is time to move on and let go on the past. Starting looking over the pain and I feel I need to change direction. Baby steps on that too. Just baby steps so I don't hurt myself in the process.

Love you all and hope everyone is trying to do their best.

Pink

[job]

Previous Thread:

Pink's Journey - Moving forward is not enough

[job]

Pink,
I'm glad you came back and posted an update. I'm glad the Divorce Support Group is going well. Sometimes we need to have people in our lives to talk to about our situations. It takes time to let go, so please be patient w/yourself.

I'm sorry that your S21 is still having health issues. I do hope that they can figure out what is wrong and help him. As for your S18, he's probably dealing w/the winter blahs right now. He'll get himself in gear and get the necessary work done, but you'll need to remind him that time is getting short. Sometimes kids think they have all the time in the world, but gosh, time does fly quickly.

S15 sounds like he is really doing well. Sounds like he's got a lot on him mind if he's not sleeping well. Has he stated what he's worrying about?

Taxes, well...that's a sore subject w/a lot of us. You might want to consider changing the number of deductions you have. I claim 0 and I do have a little bit more taken out of my salary so that I don't have to pay at the end of the year.

Now about the BIL, I would be very cautious about what you tell him. I hate to say this, but is it possible that your h put him up to asking you all of those questions? I can't imagine a BIL questioning someone about if they have someone in their life or getting into your business. He really does need to stay out of this because it's this business is between you and your xh.

I do understand you wanting your xh to pick up the rest of his stuff. If it's really bugging you, give him a deadline to do so and advise him that if it's not picked up by a certain date, you'll either have a yard sale or have Goodwill come by and get the stuff. If you reconcile, he can move it back home. If he has no place to store it, there are storage facilities that he can rent by the month.

I had to laugh at all of the excuses he has used to stay in touch w/you. I notice that they are always about him. Poor boy, he needs mommy's help. Funny, why hasn't he needed that brown belt before now? LOL! Yes, Pink, he wants to be front in center in your mind and he's doing a good job of it.

He's got a lot of work to do on himself before he's a mature adult again (if ever). It's sad that it's taken this long for him to realize what he is losing, but he had choices and he made the wrong ones...now he has to figure out how to win you back and it's not by lip service or attention getting methods.

Pink, again, I caution you about your BIL...he's fishing big time. I would be sorely tempted to tell BIL the next time he comes fishing that your xh needs professional counseling to help him w/his issues and see where that leads to. If your xh goes for professional counseling, then you will know your BIL is running back to your h w/info that you've given him. Remember the old saying "a dog that brings a bone will carry one". Your BIL is "arfing" way too much.

I think you are doing a great job of taking care of you and your sons. Take care of yourself.

[Sotto]

Hi Pink, you haven't been a bad friend at all - I understand the busyness - we all get that way sometimes. I think Job has already given some wise advice about BIL and I agree it's best to be cautious. Who knows if XH has put him up to it - but if he has, it feels a bit like asking your mate to ask that girl you like whether she might be interested.

Truly, I think he has a way to go yet. I also had to smile about the texts. Maybe you can do the same and shrug them off - carry on with your life.

I'm glad you are finding the divorce group helpful. We all let things go in our own time, and from what you post, you are getting there. I don't think letting go means letting go of a possible future - but I think it does mean accepting and releasing the past.

Sounds like you are doing well in all circumstances Sweetie.

Take care xx

[Pink17]

Thanks Job and Sotto,

I have been a good girl, don't I? Well, amazing as it is, helping someone else has an giant impact on ourselves.

Have been amazed too with the fact that "Faith" is a very strong connection between XH and I. I will write some of our latest text exchanges related to it.

I asked my XH's help to get our S18 to his guitar lesson and get some food for the kids. He said he could and wrote this too:

2/10 - "I am going to my church every week now. It feels right" - and he added a smiley face with a big smile.

Later same day - Me - I am very happy for you. From the bottom of my heart I am. I am sad that at some point we were weak and did let the demons to destroy our family. But, I am happy that we have God in our lives now. He has a plan for us all.
If you don't mind, I would like to visit the church one of these days. The probably have more then one service, so I can go when you won't be there.
Congratulations!!! It's awesome.

Today at 9:35am I got:

XH - I do not mind and kind of knew you might want to see for yourself. It is a very small congregation. Weeknights could be 5 -10 people total, including their children. I have not yet been to their Sunday service, although I plan to go this Sunday. I usually go on Tuesday.

I did not answer. First because my first reaction was to think he gave me all this schedule so I do not go when he is there. Then I stop and tough that if he does not want me there, why is he even mentioning this to me. So I decide to wait.

Then on 11:57am he wrote:

XH - the name and address of the church
name of the pastors
The schedule for their services on Tuesday, Thursday and sunday.

I did not answer or say anything yet.

For all you believers out there, I know you understand why I am in shock. I can't even start believing that the strongest connection we share is yet our faith.

I really don't know what to say. I was thinking about thanking him for the info and letting him know that he does not need to worry and that I will make sure to go to a service that he won't be there. That I would like to check it out but I respect his privacy. But then I tough, why I am taking that direction when he gave it all on a silver plate?

Is this his way of saying: Would you like to come with me?

I don't want to read too much into this, and he is just being polite about this.

But I don't want to miss it that he is doing what I always asked him and he knows I will be proud of him.

I will wait for your ideas. Maybe someone outside my sitch can see things a little more clear then I do.

I just want you to know that either way I feel so happy. You can't image how much it means to me. It gives me hope that the Lord is still working on my behalf.

Love,
Pink

[job]

I would thank him for the info and if you want to go, then you go on your own. If he doesn't come out and ask you about going w/him, you can't assume that's what he is hinting at. Make plans to visit the church whenever you like. He was just telling you when he went just in case you might go when he's there or if you prefer not to attend on Tuesdays.

Try not to over analyze his texts right now. Some of them tend to be vague and until he's very open and tells you what he wants...then I would do those things on my own.

[Pink17]

Agreed sweet Job ^^^^

And there I recognize the "Rejection" conflict coming through my soul.

I was actually more inclined to think that he was telling me the times he will be there so I wouldn't show up. Kind of, save him from my presence.

I have been working hard on that. I always scape from whatever is not very open saying, come Pink you are welcome here, we want you here. Literally.

I am being more careful with this and not just checking out before I even check in. I guess when I finish my divorce group I will benefit from some therapy on this area: Rejection.

I agree with you, maybe just go without any expectations, just go because... maybe go Thursday since he never mention he would be there.

Thanks Job, you opinion always makes me think.
Love to you gorgeous,
Pink

[rd500]

Hi Anjo. I don't see this the way Job does. It seems to me he's giving you info re the church is huge He didn't have to offer any of that detailed info.

For me you need to pull back on the way you talk to him. There was no need for you to say you would go when he was not going to be there , if he was that worried about it he wouldn't have told you about the church at all.

Pink , you have control here , XH hurt you and your family and broke a trust and that is heart breaking BUT you still love the man , you have a shared history and you have 3 great kids IMHO you love XH very much so maybe it's ok to open the door a little , especially re the church side. This may be s path back together or maybe a path to co parenting well

Looking from the outside XH is realising his loss and MAYBE coming out of the fog.

Pink needs to search her soul and decide what's best for her and then go for it

My advice is to open the door to the church route. Your both strong believers and your faith is something that you share Start with this and take things slow.
Be very mindful of your words with XH , cut out he negative and just be Pink.

Job is right that XH has to make himself clear re his position but at the same time your not dealing with someone thinking 100% straight and he's not going to risk rejection either

Again , this is just my humble opinion but Pink has a lot more control than she thinks. I'm the last person on this earth who would see you get hurt again so I do urge caution and encourage you to take things very slowly but shutting the door completely may be something you regret one day

Take care. Rd xx

[Pink17]

Hi sweet RD,

I understand what you are saying. But in the same time I do not understand how to go about it.

XH was always a talking in circles guy. He goes around and around to say something. Always been that way. I remember many times asking him to just say it. I have a hard time understanding what is the real purpose of all his texts and talking lately.

If I think about the negatives:
* XH feels guilty and ask forgiveness because it is a way to move on for real.
* Is still very confused about his life, his directions, what he wants next.
* Is still in contact with his A and is waiting to see what happens on that front.
* Having me as plan B because he is finding out the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.
* Is really so detached from me that it does not matter to what he does or say.
* Is so detached that he just want to take me for his buddy friend.

If I think about the positives:
* XH is getting himself to a place that he realize he had a strong identity as a husband, a father, a provider, security, a family man and now he is just a man.
* He really does not have anything to do with OW and is alone.
* Does not hold much anger against me and is understanding that he has unhappy issues that needs to be dealt with inside himself (as he told me).
* He told me that now he can see I was very right asking him to share his life, to participate more. That he was a jerk and did not see what he was doing.
* He said that one thing he thinks all the time is what I said to him long ago: "That what hurts is that he never game me a chance, never gave us a chance". That it stayed with him and he thinks about it constantly.
* He is always in contact, one way or another, he is always making himself present.
* As RD said, he did not need to give any info at all, but yet he does.
* Sunday is Valentines Day and I just realize he told me he is going to church that day.

It seems to me that he is trying to show how he is improving, how he is doing good things.

I also understand that it is about him. Look at me kind of thing. I am doing the right thing. But he also told me he was very jealous every time I would talk about my admiration with my boss. That he felt I was having an EA with my boss.

Things got so twisted at some time that I went in one direction the way I understood things and he went to an opposite direction on his side of understanding. We fell apart and the s**t hit the fan.

Now, I am thinking to myself that all what I am doing is letting him know that the door is still open. Maybe I am not, because some of you say that I need to show him the door is still open.

I just don't get how I can do this. If I start approaching him, then it may be the reason he will run again. If I stay NC, or at least just text contact, then I may not be sending any signal that my door is open?

For sure I understand I can't just pretend that he wants to be back and start bombarding him with phone calls or asking to meet him. But I don't know what to do to be present. I learned how to be away from him and that is the way I am, very far from him physically. He very seldom sees me, almost never. I never initiate anything unless I need to ask him something about the kids.

That's why when BIL called, it really felt like fishing. There is a lot that XH does not have a clue about my life anymore.

I also told XH that I am planning to be out of state for the first weekend in march. I said nothing more, just that I need him to be around the kids. Maybe he is troubled with that.

I did everything in the book. Most of the time when XH sees me, I am looking good, I got some GAL and he saw me leaving and even said I looked very amazing. I do not initiate any contact, no phone calls, no texts, no emails, no meetings, very seldom I ask for his help with the kids.

I guess in his eyes, he sees me very strong. He even said that to me. Little he knows!!!

I think I need everyone's help again. How to show that the door has a little crack. Of course I do not want to get hurt again, but it is time to gamble, poker face, or whatever.

Maybe if I get hurt again, then it will be easier to just say good bye for good. But I need to try so I can be free if I need to just let go.

So, my message to him was:

Hi XH! Thank you so much. I appreciate you taking the time to give me the info.
Again, I feel happy you are doing this for yourself. Something that has meaning and purpose. I don't know how to explain, it makes me happier then I haven't been feeling for a long time.
I know what you mean when you say you feel right because I feel that as well with my faith now.
Thank you for your kindness.
God bless you.

Not bad, polite, but really distant too. I can see that I basically close the door on the subject. Thanks for the info, C Ya!

Would you guys be kind enough to teach me a little more?

Thanks,
Pink

[Wonka]

Pink,

Let me lay it out to you coming from a former MLCer.

Your XH wants you and wants to be back in your life. What's holding him back is a genuine fear of rejection from you.

In reading about text exchanges and interactions with XH, I the strong distinct impression that he is sincerely trying to clean up his mess and making amends even if not outright or directly to you. It's those actions that speaks volumes to me.

As we all say here, talk is cheap. XH is walking the talk.

If I were you, I would say, "Sounds wonderful and I am happy to hear that you really like this church. I'd love to join you on one of those days/nights if you would have me. Just let me know...I am fine either way."

XH is looking to you for cues. He is looking at you as his wingman. I think it's time for you to read up on Raine's threads. Just so you know, Raine's H had MLC and they are now happily reconciled. In fact, they had a DB baby last year!

You are right where Raine was when her H was uncertain about coming back home and he was afraid of being rejected. A lot of parallels right there. Raine did a bang on job of coaxing him and showing him the way back home.