I've been a lurker here for two and a half years now. I've read everything link and story I could, especially about MLC, but I'm now at a loss as what to do. So I'm asking for your help.
BD was three years ago on our 25th anniversary. H said he wasn't happy. For the next two years, he was angry, irritable, spewing, deep in his MLC. He had an EA with a co-worker. I realize that I wasn't fulfilling his emotional needs because I was too busy being a mother. I had neglected my husband. I owned up to this,hoping it wasn't too late, but he was so ANGRY! I was able understand (because of what I was reading) what he was going through and deflect a lot of the hurtful things he said. At this point, we were still living together.
February 2015 he filed for divorce...this just after I had gone through radiation for breast cancer. I was devastated. I moved out of our marital home with my youngest daughter to my parents, and went dark. One month later he contacted me saying he missed me so much and that he had made such a mess of things. He said his anger was gone. I questioned how and if it was because his grandma had just died. He said no. We did lots of things together throughout the summer, but still lived separately. I had bought a small house because we were selling our marital home. He pulled the divorce papers two days before the court date in August 2015.
He kept saying he was going to move in with me, but never did. In November, he started to get angry again and things have gone downhill from there. He told me that he still wasn't happy. He re-filed for divorce in mid-January 2016. I am crushed AGAIN.
Our marital home finally sold at the end of January, and he has since bought a small house in another town and we've split everything up. I went dark again, but it feels like it is truly done this time. I don't know what to do. I love my husband and have been with this man for more than 30 years. It's so hard to watch him walk away from all that we had together. I know I can't fix him, but it is so hard to let him go.
Me: 51 H:50 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel, Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we have so many wonderful posters who will drop by and post from time to time.
So, let's begin, how are you doing? Are you taking care of yourself? Stress can create a lot of health issues, so you'll need to take care of yourself.
As for your h, it sounds like he took a short breather during his crisis and he's picked up where he left off a few years back. Sometimes when there is a crisis going on, such as you experienced w/the breast cancer, they'll wake up just a bit and panic that we might not be there for them and thus, they talk about themselves to us and yes, even do things w/us as a family unit and also talking about moving back in w/you....it's just a period of clarity because they will eventually will dive right back into the rabbit hole.
His crisis isn't over. In fact, I would venture to say he's still in replay and will most likely be there for quite some time. What do you do? You continue moving forward. Live your life to the fullest and do the things that you've never had the time to do. You can leave the door ajar and if your h ever wakes up, he will know where you are and will do the necessary work to win you back...but you need to allow him to grow up and prove he is worthy of you again. That means, actions speak louder than words. He's got a lot of heavy work to do. Let him go for now.
For now, be a friend, allow him to come to you. Do not contact him unless it is an emergency or something to do w/your daughter. Truly, the best thing to do is just leave him alone to figure things out. When he contacts you, listen, do not judge and if he does something nice, be sure to thank him.
Try to keep the focus on YOU and your daughter. It's difficult to do when you've got this going on, but you have to try to do it. Dig deep for patience and understanding.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much for your response. You are very wise and I value your opinion.
I agree that his crisis isn't over yet. I believe it started at least two years before bomb drop so we are at year 5. I was just hoping to outlast him, and that he would come through this. One problem with detaching is that we work together in the same building...luckily on opposite sides, so I can usually manage to avoid him.
My friends and family have said that I have been too patient and understanding so far and are pushing me to "cut the anchor." That is one reason I posted here because I've seen how DBing works and patience is a must. My H is conflict avoidant and does not like to share his feelings. He refused to go to any type of IC or MC. This was a big problem for us, I think. I did go to IC for two years and am back there now.
When H filed last year, I did a pretty good job of letting go and moving forward...having no idea that he would come back. In fact, this is what he said that he noticed...that I was moving forward without him. This time, he seems determined to not let that happen again. He has asked to shorten the waiting period for the divorce.
I need to get back to detaching and not letting his actions and emotions affect me so much. I've lost weight again and that elephant is back sitting on my chest. I feel like it is deja vu all over again since I just felt the same way one year ago.
And you're right, Job, I need to make this about ME and D17. She only has a couple months left in high school. My mom keeps reminding me of this too.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thanks, Cadet. I've read every single one of these links multiple times, and they've been so valuable to me. I continue to re-read them as it makes me remember to be understanding and compassionate for what H is going through.
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
I also thought and heard that sometimes that come back b4 they finish the crises or the work they say the work is about him his unresolved issues from the past not just the M the M may have had issues but people not on MLC can work through issues You sound pretty good at detaching and moving forward so now is the time to let go and heal take the time for you you can watch your H from a a distance most LBS do seem to land on their feet and if you H decides to turn around, you will be there and be watching carefully as u move forward
Good luck
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Yes, he has unresolved issues from his childhood. His parents divorced when he was 11 or 12 and his dad was abusive to his mom. His dad is now on his 4th wife and H has no relationship with him at all.
Journaling:
Slow day today because of all the snow we got slammed with.
H just stopped by to pick up some financial papers. He was on his way to see his lawyer. He was almost giddy. I don't know how many times I've heard him say, "I don't want to be married anymore." He just closed on his house yesterday and is all excited about it. I know this is the replay stage, but it is so hard to hear him. I just validated and told him I was excited for him too.
One thing that I worry about that I KNOW I shouldn't even be thinking about is OW that he had an EA with. She also works with us and H has daily interaction with OW daughter, and I have daily interaction with OW son. OW is now divorced and when H had the EA he said he was "helping" her through her divorce. I've constantly asked H if he's been in contact with her and he would say no. I believed him, but did find out later that he lied about it. I made a big deal about him lying because honesty is something that we've preached to our Ds. My coworkers ask if I think something is going on between them. I keep saying no, but maybe I'm being a fool. I need to stop thinking about what might happen in the future, and just concentrate on the now. I HAVE to remember that I can't control him, but only my own actions. DETACH, DETACH DETACH...
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
yes detatch.. all the truth will come out in time Its better to concentrate on your future and yourself
there is no way to stop them from going deeper in the crises sometimes it does look like they are all excited about their new life and his new house but remember he is taking himself with him, so all changes are really within many people change environment to hope for that internal shift..but it doesn't work like that
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace- I like that... "He is taking himself with him." That is so very true. He is running away from everything and everyone that he THINKS is causing his unhappiness, but in reality it's all about him. I agree that he thinks everything will change with a new environment. The sad thing is that he has no close friends...lots of acquaintances but no one to actually talk to, not even his family. My D19 just said the other day, "Dad is in crisis." It's funny that she even used that word "crisis"." Even his daughters can see it.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
remember he is taking himself with him, so all changes are really within many people change environment to hope for that internal shift..but it doesn't work like that
Very well said Peace. They are stuck with themselves. All changes they make concerning their surroundings are superficial and based on lies anyway. Good luck to him on that.
Nel, so sorry you are here. I'm glad you are not a lurker anymore though. Its important to let it all out here. You seem very knowledgeable about MLC already and that should help you detach. Also listen to your D's. they see more than we can we see. My D's tell me things they saw about my STBXW personality change way before i even noticed it. Love is blind.
You already know what you need to do, Detach and move on with your life. Your H followed last time. Let him bake some more. Don't give him the power to decide if and when he comes back. You decide, it's your life.
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
I also have an H that didn't finish his journey, so I can relate to the double whammy from two BD's.
I tend to look at H as a teen who just landed in college and is making the best of a responsibility free life. You really can't do anything but wait for them to "grow up" again.
It's especially heartbreaking when you thought you had weathered the storm only to have it reverse course and come back stronger than before. I too spent a lot of time wondering how H could just walk away from a good life and a good family who loved him. But it goes with the territory of MLC land. It's hard to accept that there is nothing you can do but wait and be patient with the hope they will figure it out.
I think (at least my experience is) they put a lot of effort into making us believe that life is wonderful and it may be (for them) in the beginning ... like moving into his house. But, since they do take themselves with them, I don't think that euphoria lasts very long, although they won't let you know that!
The one concrete thing I can advise is to stop asking H about the (possible) OW. If there is something going on, he will just lie about it and whether there is or not, it's not good DBing. You can't detach and they can't see that you will be just fine with or without them if you're grilling them about OW or any other thing they might be doing. You have to zip your lips. Trust me, I know exactly how hard that is!
{{{Hugs}}}
2T2M
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Irish- Yes, my Ds are very intuitive. They love their dad and also realize he is struggling. I try not to ask them much about him because I don't want to put them in the middle. Our family was a very close knit family who did everything together. What he is doing is devastating to us all, and I know they are all struggling with it. I'm so afraid it will affect their future relationships in some way. How can it not??
2Times- I'm sorry that you too had 2 BDs. It is definitely heartbreaking. I absolutely KNOW I need to zip my lips (and also shut my mind off) about OW. Thanks for reminding me. It does absolutely no good except get me off track of detaching. I'm trying to stay dark right now, so I don't talk to him unless it is about D17 or financial things.
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel, I'm sorry that you find yourself here. In all honesty, you don't want your Husband back right now anyways. This is a long drawn out process and takes years to get through. The very best thing you can do for yourself is to keep busy and detach from all of the BS. If you ask questions you won't get the truth anyways so it's best not to go there. The way he perceives the truth is different from reality and you will only get bits and pieces anyway. The OW is nothing. The novelty eventually wears off, but the more you interfere, the longer it will go on. MLC'ers are like little children with new toys. They have tantrums and throw fits, yet they always seem to be looking back for their mother's approval. In this case, you are the mother. (((hugs)))
Mirepoi- Thanks for the advice. You are right in that MLC'ers are like little children with new toys. That's what I'm thinking about his new house. The novelty will wear off soon and he'll see how alone he is.
So, I am really dreading Valentine's Day. This was the weekend last year that my H filed and the weekend has horrible memories for me. This year isn't looking any better since I'm in the same situation again. I definitely needed to plan something to do, so I am going on a weekend away from our town with D17 and D19. I don't get to see D19 very often since she attends college far away, so I'm excited that D17 and I get to spend time with her. That will definitely take my mind off what is going on here.
Still dark with H as much as possible. I had told him when he filed both this year and last year that if I couldn't be his wife then I didn't want to be his friend either because friends don't treat each other like this. Now I'm trying to find that balance between staying dark, yet keeping the door ajar. Last year he told me that he had a hard time getting the courage to come to me to tell me he made a mistake and that he missed me. I provided an opening for him because I noticed his odd behavior and said, "Has something changed?" Then he was able to tell me. This time, I'm not quite sure how to handle it. I saw on another poster's thread that they had the same question...afraid that being dark gave the impression that the door was shut. What do you guys think?
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
I think it's a wonderful idea to go away this weekend and spend it w/your daughters. There is just too much hype over Valentine's Day and you know what? It's just another day for businesses to sell flowers, chocolates, cards and jewelry. What more precious is to spend time w/your children. That is something that money can't buy!
As for leaving the door ajar that is something that only you can determine. How do you normally react when your h contacts you? You can treat him in a civil manner and test the waters by being just a friend, which means listening and validating. No heavy relationship questions/talks at this time. If he should contact you, keep the conversations on neutral subjects, such as your children.
Since you and your daughters don't get together too often, you could always let him know how she's doing at college, after you return home...but that's up to you. This could be a neutral subject and one that may be of interest to him.
Just remember, if you open up the lines of communication, you need to keep your topics neutral and keep those expectations at zero at all time...and no relationship talks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, I wouldn't dream of talking about a relationship with him right now. It's so hard because my family and friends are really pushing me to move on from him, but I keep saying that I know he is struggling and how can I walk away from a 30 year relationship with a man that I love?? They truly don't understand how I can want to be with someone who has hurt me so much, so I'm thankful that I have you guys. I'm trying to detach and keep busy, giving H the space he needs to figure things out. He texts me usually about every day or so mostly about the girls or financial things. I reply when needed and always friendly. He said last year that he wanted to only be friends and that this D wouldn't be nasty like his parents. He has given me pretty much everything I wanted, probably to assuage his guilt.
Thursday night we had a work event that we were both at. I caught him watching me several times. This weekend he texted me about a memory that we shared about when our kids get sick. I just tried to keep it light and joking. I keep remember someone saying to make sure you leave them remembering a positive interaction with you.
This weekend was good. I got to spend time with D17 and D19. We went shopping and out to dinner away from our town. They both "peer pressured" me to buy something nice that I wouldn't have normally bought for myself...and I did. It made me feel good about myself, which is lacking right now.
I know that H is the one with the MLC, but when I keep remembering all the things he has said to me, it really hurts my self-esteem and self-confidence. Even my brother said that maybe he "needs" this D to be right again. I said,"Do you know how that makes me feel? That H can't be right unless he gets rid of me??" Ouch.
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
People do not understand what MLC is about, so, until they walk a mile in your shoes, they will continue to think differently and say move on. Unfortunately, it's not easy when the MLCer continues to pop in and out along the way. You may need to cease the conversations with your family and friends. I would suggest that you take one or two close friends under your wing and bounce things off of them. Family and friends mean well because they want to see you happy...take what they say w/a grain of salt.
Yes, the MLCer will watch you when he thinks you aren't aware of it. He still feels safe in texting you...this is good.
I'm glad you had an enjoyable time w/your daughters and I'm also glad they talked you into purchasing something for yourself. Sometimes we need a little bit of retail therapy to make us feel better.
As for what your brother said, he's spot on. Many of them need to go thru the divorce process (or think they do) to built on a new foundation. Even though the divorce is just a piece of paper, they need to cut all ties of responsibility and accountability w/us in order to move along the path. I do understand how you felt when your brother said that...but it's not about you at all...it's about him and what he needs to do to heal those childhood wounds and start growing up. You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. Again, his crisis is all about HIM and there is absolutely nothing you did to start his crisis, nor can you rush him along. It's a marathon, not a sprint when it comes to the MLCer working through it. Their clocks are on a very, very slow time warp.
Continue to read about MLC and keep the focus on you and your daughters. Leave your h in the hands of the man above.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job- your post made me sad saying that it looks like the divorce might go through because he needs it. Because everything has been split he has no accountability financially or otherwise to me right now. Will this be enough for him to move ahead through his crisis? I still tear up daily thinking about him and how he can give up what we had. I'm doing my best to detach but it's so much harder than last year because he did come back after I db'd him.
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Where is my anger? I've had so many people ask me that. I've chosen to be loving and compassionate about what H is going through, but the anger has never come. Why? I don't know. And I don't have anyone any more to talk to either because, you're right, they're tired of seeing me get hurt and all want me just to move on from him. Most people who know me see me as a very strong, self-confident person, yet this man reduces me to a puddle of tears.
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Oh, Nel. I popped over to your thread because you were so kind to post some support on mine. Have you read all of mine? Your story is like a longer version of it.
Originally Posted By: Nel
Where is my anger? I've had so many people ask me that. I've chosen to be loving and compassionate about what H is going through, but the anger has never come. Why? I don't know. And I don't have anyone any more to talk to either because, you're right, they're tired of seeing me get hurt and all want me just to move on from him. Most people who know me see me as a very strong, self-confident person, yet this man reduces me to a puddle of tears.
This is exactly how I feel. People really don't seem to understand. I've found myself defending H to people who believe that this is some form of abuse or that I am a masochist or martyr. I'm neither. I believe we are just women who take our vows seriously and that this falls under "for better or worse" and "in sickness and health".
We value our love for our Hs and honor it by fighting for it in any way that we can. Is it difficult? Painful? Lonely? Frustrating? Confusing? Yes to all. But what if? What if it is a trial by fire? What if we can weather it? What if we can have a new MR with our H? What if, no matter what, we grow and come out the other side stronger and better people? I guess we can call it a win. We win at life. Beats the alternative, right?
My H is fast forwarding to D despite us only being 6.5 months from BD. He didn't want to keep me in limbo (popular word around here).
I have tried to bring up R ( a DB no-no) because he doesn't, but like your H, he refuses to really explain himself unless I push. I have gotten some answers that way, but... He has very strong anger issues that he keeps very deep inside. Most people don't know this (only his brothers and parents and me) but it is there simmering below the surface. I can't help but think of the Hulk when he has said to me "I don't want to get angry..." through gritted teeth. That anger was showing through like a dog's warning growl when I pushed R talks and working on our M. So now I'm just not initiating contact and being as cheerful, patient, and validating as I can when H contacts me. Biting my tongue.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I think it's because we are in such disbelief that the person we once knew is doing crazy and hurtful things.
My story is different than yours. My STBXW has left me and our D's. Triple whammy. Plus this is my 2nd BD from her . First one was about 10years ago.
All in all I'm not hateful or angry towards her. I'm saddened that she dies what she does to the D's mostly.
Hopefully your H wakes up one day. So many life events he will miss if he doesn't
Hugs Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Yes, Irish. So many life events...my daughter is expecting our first grandchild this summer. I'm wondering how H will react to that since it was her engagement announcement 3 years ago that sent him into his crisis.
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Just getting my thoughts out because I can't share this with anyone here.
I'm discouraged and second guessing myself on everything. I told H when he filed the second time for D last month to just leave me alone. And he is. He even wants to chop the waiting period down to 60 days, which I have not agreed to. It is usually 6 months in my state. It's like he can't be done with me fast enough, and it hurts. Last year he did the same thing (offered to wait only 4 months instead of 6 months so it wouldn't be so painful for me), except after only a month he was back.
In December H said, "If I hadn't pulled the papers in August, we would be healed by now." I replied, "No way!" ...and then he said, "Well we would be in a different place emotionally." This was as he was sinking into his winter depression which I've notice in the past few years goes from mid-Nov through Feb. All BDs have been in Jan and Feb.
So I'm still dark and only text him if absolutely needed about financials or D17. I KNOW this is what I'm supposed to do. But I feel like I'm losing him even more.... I can't believe with all the things he said and did from last March through the beginning of November that this is happening.
Last March when H came back, he told me his anger was gone. So I know that the anger covers up all other emotions that he feels for me. All spring, summer, and fall, I had "my guy" back. In mid-November, I think there was some type of trigger because his anger and resentment toward me was back. He then starting saying how I deserved to be loved, how he wasn't happy, how he was doing what he supposed to do-not what he wanted to do. I was in disbelief! Where did "my guy" go? Obviously back into the tunnel. It is so frustrating. Now he has his own house in another town...his own life that I know nothing about. I'm having such a hard time detaching this time.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Update- I've had two positive interactions with H in the past two days. I need to keep reminding myself to keep my expectations at ZERO though.
I knew I would see H at D17s game the other night. He sat across the gym all by himself. While there, he texted me that he had something of mine and he could give it to me that night or put it in my work mailbox the next day. I did not know what to do. I thought about the advice here and the DB way. Even though I was trying to stay dark, HE had texted ME, so I thought here's a chance to have a positive interaction. I went over to him and we chatted about our Ds and a few other things. It was good with lots of eye contact. He texted me again when I got home and then again the next morning regarding an insurance issue. This was more communication than we'd had in a week.
The second interaction came after work the next day at a meeting. H called me over to talk about something that had happened the night before during the game with D17. Again, good light discussion and more prolonged eye contact. I wanted to leave him thinking about me. I think it worked, but who knows. I have a tendency to overanalyze, so now I need to go dark again.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel, I'm very proud of you. You did a great job. Now, you need to sit quietly and allow him to come to you. When he sees that you aren't pursuing him, he'll become curious and reach out to you again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
yes you did good There are a lot of touch and gos during the crises especially in the beginning I think they are confused while they still love us, there is a greater force pulling them out
The DB coach told me if the interactions are getting move or better it is a step in the right direction but keep expectations low because this may go on for a while wishing you the best
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
At another of d17s games last night and H was there with MIL. MIL is not happy with what H is doing (she told me) but they don't talk about feelings in their family. At the game, I did not approach H and he made it a point to ignore me. He did not even look my way. It was too obvious. Odd behavior and interesting too.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
At another of d17s games last night and H was there with MIL. MIL is not happy with what H is doing (she told me) but they don't talk about feelings in their family. At the game, I did not approach H and he made it a point to ignore me. He did not even look my way. It was too obvious. Odd behavior and interesting too.
Nel
Don't you just love this hot and cold? Great eye contact, smiles, laughter, pleasant conversation with inside jokes just like normal...and then *poof!*...you don't exist anymore.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
EXCEPT that he did text me right when I got home from the game! and again the next morning. It was so obvious that he was trying not to look my way during the game...it was like his neck couldn't turn. Weird. And I'm mad at myself for paying such close attention to him. Ugh. Note to self: Sit where I can't see him then I don't even know what he's doing.
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
I agree with that, as well. It will help you to focus on you (and your daughter's game) and make you more mysterious to him. Draw him to you. Zero expectations though. We're in it for the long haul.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
oh! And you are doing very well, by the way. You are getting texts and reactions. Sometimes, I believe, even angry, bad reactions to little truth darts or signs of change (180s) are baby steps when followed by our consistant non-initiation of contact. They have no choice but to think of their own behavior when thinking over the incident alone during our silence.
Stay strong and keep DBing!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thanks, Cil. I really don't feel like I'm doing well. I've really really struggled these past few days....breaking down crying quite a bit. I miss my H so much. I haven't contacted him, yet he has texted me every day but always about financial things.
I went dark last year, and it worked. He missed me. This second time through I just don't think he'll give in to missing me again even if he does. Look at where we are again. He wanted to change his life because he wasn't happy, so he's getting rid of me and he has his new house in a different town, so really he is starting fresh. I am having such a hard time handling this. I just can't get my mind off of him. I'm venting here because I can't talk about this to anyone else.
This weekend I did go to a cancer survivor event. That made me feel grateful that I've been cancer-free for a year and a half. When I remind myself of that it puts things into perspective. But then the hurt and rejection comes back again.
I need help. I'm really struggling and trying to hide it from my D.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
It does hurt a lot weekly Counseling with a supportive therapist was really helpful for me group therapy also self care..one day at a time
Sometimes I would cry in front of my kids back then it hurt so much I thought it was ok for them to see me working through my pain..and them I could explain sometimes I am sad too..and when I cry it helps heal
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
It is perfectly ok to feel those emotions. You have been/are going through so much. And although you want to hide it from your D, its ok for her to know that you hurt, as well, in small doses or short convos. Cry, cry, and yell, and have imaginary angry conversations with H where you tell him all the things you feel. Its part of the process of grieving. Then go back to DBing. Part of DBing is changing things up and seeing if they work.
What does work to get him communicating? Do more. What drives him away? Do less.
You say he texts every day about financial things. Everyday? It sounds like he expects you to answer every time. Try not answering for a few days? Or saying your busy, you'll get back to him? Or maybe say you would rather he write down financial questions and come home for a sit down at scheduled times. Don't be convenient, just nice. Use the power you have (financial answers) to dictate interaction situations. Then show him the woman only a fool would leave.
He is making an effort to go to D's games. Is there a friend that you can attend with? Another parent or group of parents you can sit with? Seeing you sit alone would make him feel "normal" being alone. Seeing you surrounded by others, interacting, having fun would make him feel alone, I would think. Get a reaction. Creative 180's in the only interactions you have.
You ARE doing well, Nel. You are alive and breathing. It is hard to focus on you when you want H and miss him. But when you turn it around finally and think, what would I do with this time if he were on vacation and I wanted to just do things for me, then you can start finding ways to truly focus on you and your needs. Use that to GAL. Once again, you are doing well. Its ok to cry or curl into a ball right now.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thanks, Cil and Peace. I had a rough couple of days. I decided to finally get a DB coach because I was at a loss as to what to do next. That brought me some internal peace because she agreed with some of the things that I was seeing and feeling about H, and also gave me a new idea to try.
Here is what I'm afraid of with H: He said before that this divorce wouldn't be like his parents (which was very nasty)....that he wanted to be friends and we would always talk about our Ds. He just doesn't want to be married anymore. How do I fight an attitude like this? I don't initiate contact and I rarely see him except at D17s games (which will end next week). When we do see each other and talk, we are both friendly. Financially, we are totally on our own because everything has been split already. So, he already has what he wants...total control and freedom of his own life.
What if he is actually happier without me? This is my biggest fear.
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
As long as you don't rock his boat and let him dictate to you how things are going to go w/a divorce...of course, it will be different than his parents' divorce and you all could be one happy group of friends because he's getting what he wants. Now, I think you are a very smart lady and she be on her toes about what a divorce entails and what you are entitled to as a spouse and also what your children would be entitled to as well. Don't accept nothing less that what your lawyer and the court system says you are entitled to. Trust me, when he discovers what needs to be done for a divorce and a "fair" settlement, he may very well become nasty.
Learn all you can about what you are entitled to and keep it very close to the vest. He'll promise you the moon if he thinks he can get away w/stuff and once the ink is dry on the paper work, you'll not see much of anything. Make sure everything is written document, signed and sealed by the court.
Will he be happier? He may think so right now...but the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence...except where the septic tank is. Don't worry about his happiness...worry about you and your children's happiness for now. God has a way of taking care of fools, drunks and addicts.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job- That's just it...he's been overly generous giving me everything I've needed or wanted. I'm sure to help his guilt and to make himself feel like a "good" guy compared to what his dad did to his mom.
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel, I truly hope that I am wrong, but right now, he feels guilty for what he's doing and w/that being said, he'll be more generous...but look out when you actually sit down and work out the details of the financials and support when the divorce needs this info.
Maybe you will be one of the lucky ones whereby he's generous no matter what. I certainly hope so, but I've seen so many pass through our forum that have generous MLCers at first and when they continue on the path of destruction, they begin to get greedy or when they are hit w/what the state laws require for a divorce, i.e., they change into angry monsters. Again, I hope your h remains generous...but time will tell.
For now, take whatever he gives you and set up an account just in case you need the funds later on.
How are you doing?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My xh was very generous at the beginning b4 I realized how much he was wasting and spending on OW During D he became difficult and angry
Its like they think the money is flowing like rain and will never run out until it actually does protect yourself and keep a watchful eye on all the accounts and Credit cards
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
"They truly don't understand how I can want to be with someone who has hurt me so much, so I'm thankful that I have you guys."
I am so thankful you came here! All I want to do is give you a big hug. I just read your posts and your example is so important to my process. Please let us know what you need from us.
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
Thanks, Job and Peace. I will keep a close eye on my financials, but we don't have any accounts or credit cards together anymore. He (and I) are in total control of our own finances and bills.
Butterc- Thanks for stopping by and for the big hug! I love hugs.
Update: Well, it has been quite the weekend.
The good: Friday night, H and I needed to be together for D17 for Parents Night for her sport. Of course, I was friendly, dressed to kill, smiling the whole time. When the ceremony was over, I started to walk away, but H called me back to talk. He asked to go into the hall so we could hear each other better. He started with a few financial things, and then he started just chatting about various things. We talked about inconsequential things for about 15-20 minutes. Often I would think the conversation was over, but he would bring something else up and keep talking. Finally (I remember that in DBing you are supposed to leave first), I said I needed to get back to my seat. I just touched his sleeve and said I'd see him later. Looking back on the conversation, I saw a little bit of his impatience coming through with me when he was trying to explain something and I wasn't getting it. That surprised me. But him actually calling me back to talk in the first place surprised me even more since I had given him the chance to "escape."
The bad: Whenever I have interactions like this with H, I have major meltdowns the next day. ..and I did. It just brings up so many emotions. I also found out yesterday through D25 that H bought some new furniture for his house. That sent me into a tailspin. He is making it his "home" without me. The realization that this D is most probably going to happen hit me so hard.
The good: I desperately needed to talk to someone last night after this realization, but my family is so done with H. They are angry with what he has done. So far, my SIL (my brother's wife) has been more open-minded. I called her. We talked for an hour (with me mostly sobbing). We talked about the new furniture and she pointed out that its like H has just graduated from college and is setting up his own place. He's never had a chance to do that before (we got married right after we got out of college). I always paid the bills (he didn't want to), and all money has always been joint and spent on the family. He's never had total control of his money before. This made total sense to me. She also helped me come up with three things to look forward to this week to help get me out of the tailspin. AND she got me thinking about POSSIBILITIES for my future (if H never comes to his senses). With D17 graduating, I am not tied down. I can retire from my current job and change careers! Do something NEW and DIFFERENT! This excites me although these are going to be HUGE changes and will take some deliberation and thought. I need to be sure that I can do it financially. That's what scares me the most. But as my SIL said, explore all POSSIBILITIES because you can! I like that. I have no control over what H is doing or thinking, but I can control what I do.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
The bad: Whenever I have interactions like this with H, I have major meltdowns the next day. ..and I did. It just brings up so many emotions. I also found out yesterday through D25 that H bought some new furniture for his house. That sent me into a tailspin. He is making it his "home" without me. The realization that this D is most probably going to happen hit me so hard.
I feel ya. Its that hopeful feeling we get after we get the almost normal H who was our best friend for years. Our other half. Then we get back to NC and it sinks in that the R is not the way it was. I had a day moving my D25 with H, us working as a team again. We did an extended lunch, walk around her community, coffee, drinks and sushi...all the while having a good time. He called the next day to chat, twice.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Nel. I am just catching up on your sitch and all I can say at the moment is that I am truly sorry you are here. Heck--I am truly sorry that I am here, having to tell you how truly sorry I am.
I also had 2 BD's, about 16 weeks apart. I DB'd after the first one and 8 weeks later he recommitted, thanked me for saving the marriage, blah blah blah, until last week when I get BD'd again. Via email!! After 21 years of marriage!! He is a 49 year old 16 year old!
It seems like you really are in a pretty good frame of mind, and I believe that is half the battle. Go be the best Nel you can be, with or without H.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
My frame of mind changes hourly. Sometimes I think, yes I can do this, and then I'll get hit with that deep hole of despair because I'm missing H so much. Just have to ride the rollercoaster of emotions and hold on.
H did stop in to my room at work yesterday to say something to another person in there. (an excuse? he could have just as easily walked right on by). We had a short friendly conversation about the snowstorm that was coming. I have to say that he looks awful. It is obvious that he is not sleeping well at all. Being alone in his new house gives him a lot of time to think. I'm trying not to read anything into this, but this is the same thing that happened at the same time last year. He realized that he missed me and had regrets. Mindreading always gets my thoughts racing so its best to remember to keep the focus on me and let him work things out on his own. I also have to keep my expectations and hope contained. I have a secret place deep in my heart where I keep that hope. Not too many people know about it...except you guys. Thanks for being here.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
We seem to be in such a similar sitch and state of mind. H dropped 2nd DB while on a biz trip and he keeps texting me. And I, like you, keep trying to mind read. Well, trying to read his crazy mind, is just making me crazy!! Yet, I have hope. I Think it is ok to have hope, just keep it in check and keep it to yourself. Keep the focus on you, and Cil had some good ideas for you to try.
I have said throughout... It will be his loss if he walks!! Your H will lose something wonderful and irreplaceable. Nel!
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
My frame of mind changes hourly. Sometimes I think, yes I can do this, and then I'll get hit with that deep hole of despair because I'm missing H so much. Just have to ride the rollercoaster of emotions and hold on.
I truly believe it gets better as we gain more confidence in ourselves and more understanding of our spouses crazy, fluctuating, hurting behavior. Knowledge is power and time is our friend.
H did stop in to my room at work yesterday to say something to another person in there. (an excuse? he could have just as easily walked right on by). We had a short friendly conversation about the snowstorm that was coming. I have to say that he looks awful. It is obvious that he is not sleeping well at all. Being alone in his new house gives him a lot of time to think. I'm trying not to read anything into this, but this is the same thing that happened at the same time last year. He realized that he missed me and had regrets. Mindreading always gets my thoughts racing so its best to remember to keep the focus on me and let him work things out on his own. I also have to keep my expectations and hope contained. I have a secret place deep in my heart where I keep that hope. Not too many people know about it...except you guys. Thanks for being here.
It is so nice to find others like yourself to share what were going through. To feel less alone in a lonely,confusing, and scary situation. You understand what I'm going through more than my friends IRL and I understand what you are going through. When my H was sharing his money fears and woes last weekend, I really looked at him. He is still my beautiful, handsome man. But I really looked. He has a growing paunch, his shoulders (I always loved his broad shoulders) are rounding forward, his hair is much grayer, and his face is just very... slack. He looks exhausted and depressed. His MLC is much harder on him than I think he realizes. Stay strong and stand strong. We'll just keep that hope to ourselves. Nel
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
H has stopped contacting me via text. The only time we interact is after D17 games and now those are done. The funny thing is when we are face to face, he seems to really want to talk about a lot of different inconsequential things that are going on. It's hard to remember that he doesn't want to be married anymore because it's so NORMAL.
He told me that next weekend, he will be attending D17's two day travel tournament with his mom. I am always with D17 at these. H has only gone to one so far this year. It will give me two whole days to interact with him....or should I stay away? It's such a fine line.
I'm hoping that because he's spending an extended time with his mom (which he rarely does), that maybe she can bring some clarity to the situation, especially to his childhood and help him heal. Their family doesn't talk about much, but I know that she is really disappointed in him walking away from me. H's dad left the family when H was 12 and he had to become the man of the family. He had to grow up quick. He had to work and take care of his 5 younger siblings while his mom worked to put food on the table. From the stories H told me, it was a horrific time for the family. He no longer has any type of relationship with his dad. It would be great if his mom could help him with this, but I'm not going to hold my breath because she isn't one to push him. I know she is heartbroken and knows that this isn't what I want. I hope she can help him.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel, You are so new to the MLC situation and I have to tell you, even if his mother speaks to him, it's going to still take a long time for him to work thru his crisis. That means he has to do the work.
If his mother tries to push and talk to him about returning home, he will distance himself from her as well. The less others interfere w/his crisis, the better. It's best to allow him to come to you or to others on his own. No one can fix him...only himself.
The most important thing to remember is that you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him...he has to do that.
Keep the focus on you and your children. Leave him in God's hands.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Nel, If you normally go to the tournaments w/your D17, then go. Nothing says you have to sit w/him and his mother, nor do you have to share a meal w/them...if they invite you to do things, then you will need to decide then whether or not to accept...but your D17 stills needs your support and I certainly wouldn't let their attendance stand in your way of going.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job- I've been dealing with his crisis for over three years now. That's when the first BD was. I feel like it needs to end sooner or later. But I know, everyone is different. I read that it takes "something" to make them wake up, but we don't know what that "something" is and it's different for everyone.
I don't want his mom to push him to come home, but to talk about that time period in his childhood where he was hurt so badly emotionally and sometimes physically by his dad. I think that would help him heal.
I'm definitely going to the tournament this weekend. I've always been there for my girls. I just didn't know how to act around H. I think I'm just going to be friendly and see what happens.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
I think going to the tourney is a good decision. If nothing else, you can look good, act happy, be friendly with everyone, like not a care in the world. Ya know-- like you're not actually dying inside.
Its unreal you have been going thru this for three years. My hat is off to you Nel. I do not envy you.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
Update: Well, I feel like there has been a subtle shift in H's behavior toward me. I don't know what to think about it, but I'm very very cautious. I'm glad I have a DB coaching session tonight.
For the past two weekends, H and I have gone to D17s overnight travel tournaments although we didn't travel together or stay in the same place. The first weekend, H did not approach me, but I did talk to him a few times during both days being both cheerful, fun, and friendly...walking a fine line between being too clingy and the cold-shoulder. He was super friendly, and I saw glimpses of the old H. My brother, SIL, and their three young kids were also there. They all went over and talked to H, and the kids and SIL hugged him when they left. That weekend made some type of an impact on H because I actually got a text from him the next day about a link that he thought I should read. The first text since January that wasn't about either the girls or something financial. Throughout the week, he talked to me when I saw him at work..again this is new.
This past weekend..another overnight tournament. He talked to me throughout the whole weekend. I always kept the focus on him, asking him about work, his other activities, etc. Then yesterday when he dropped off D19 (who is home on spring break) he talked for 30 minutes in the driveway. We never once spoke about our relationship but kept to neutral topics. I kept it light and flirty.
I did not include all the details of both weekends, but there is definitely a shift in his behavior toward me. I'm still not going to contact him first unless I absolutely have to and I'm going to let him lead. I've realized that I have no control of the situation at all. This is hard for me, but I need to let him work through these issues on his own which is why I'm leaving him alone. I don't think I can take anymore heartbreak, so I still have my guard up.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Hi Nel, I think it is that being with someone 'makes demands' on them - and they don't have much to give - either to themselves or someone else. They aren't really there for themselves, and so someone else asking them for stuff just spins them right up and they can't really deal with it....
JMHO of course xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm not feeling too hopeful about my sitch. It really gets me down. I rarely interact with my H because I've been no contact. I let him initiate if it is needed. But I feel the distance between us growing and it is disheartening. When he does talk to me, he is super friendly so this confuses me but then I think it is probably his guilt. Any ideas? D will be final this summer.
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Hi Nel, anger is a recognised stage of MLC and some MLCers remain pretty angry for a good while - ie: through the replay stage etc.
In terms of being nice, he's probably hoping you'll accede to his wishes for a 'friendly' D, and hopes you'll fall in with his vision of what the D (and settlement) will look like.
JMHO of course xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Nel, People in depression tend to isolate themselves from others because they feel blah. It takes a lot of effort for them to do things or want to be around other people because they feel like they need to put on the happy mask. They have no interest in the things that they use to do and they would much rather be alone, sit in a dark room on lay on a couch at times.Depression for men can be very different than it is for women.
As for the anger, yep, it's another symptom of MLC and it takes time for that symptom to burn itself out. They are like two year olds having temper tantrums. If he's being nice, he's hoping that you'll play along w/whatever he suggests or wants. If you go against what he thinks you should be doing, the anger will come out to play. Don't play into his hands. Generally when they are nice, they want something or they've done something that will affect you or your bank account in a negative way.
Keep the focus on you, your financials and treat the situation as a business deal w/the partner trying to back out of a contract for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
