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job #2660116 03/06/16 03:44 PM
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Job- I've been dealing with his crisis for over three years now. That's when the first BD was. I feel like it needs to end sooner or later. But I know, everyone is different. I read that it takes "something" to make them wake up, but we don't know what that "something" is and it's different for everyone.

I don't want his mom to push him to come home, but to talk about that time period in his childhood where he was hurt so badly emotionally and sometimes physically by his dad. I think that would help him heal.

I'm definitely going to the tournament this weekend. I've always been there for my girls. I just didn't know how to act around H. I think I'm just going to be friendly and see what happens.

Nel


Me: 51 H:50
M: 28 years T: 31 years
4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17
BD Jan 2013
D filed Feb 2015
Papers pulled Aug 2015
D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel #2660167 03/06/16 07:31 PM
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I think going to the tourney is a good decision. If nothing else, you can look good, act happy, be friendly with everyone, like not a care in the world. Ya know-- like you're not actually dying inside.

Its unreal you have been going thru this for three years. My hat is off to you Nel. I do not envy you.


Me 47 H 49 S18 S15
M 21
BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY
I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16
Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16
BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16
Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June
H leaves 5/7/16
melweb #2664173 03/21/16 02:48 PM
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Update:
Well, I feel like there has been a subtle shift in H's behavior toward me. I don't know what to think about it, but I'm very very cautious. I'm glad I have a DB coaching session tonight.

For the past two weekends, H and I have gone to D17s overnight travel tournaments although we didn't travel together or stay in the same place. The first weekend, H did not approach me, but I did talk to him a few times during both days being both cheerful, fun, and friendly...walking a fine line between being too clingy and the cold-shoulder. He was super friendly, and I saw glimpses of the old H. My brother, SIL, and their three young kids were also there. They all went over and talked to H, and the kids and SIL hugged him when they left. That weekend made some type of an impact on H because I actually got a text from him the next day about a link that he thought I should read. The first text since January that wasn't about either the girls or something financial. Throughout the week, he talked to me when I saw him at work..again this is new.

This past weekend..another overnight tournament. He talked to me throughout the whole weekend. I always kept the focus on him, asking him about work, his other activities, etc. Then yesterday when he dropped off D19 (who is home on spring break) he talked for 30 minutes in the driveway. We never once spoke about our relationship but kept to neutral topics. I kept it light and flirty.

I did not include all the details of both weekends, but there is definitely a shift in his behavior toward me. I'm still not going to contact him first unless I absolutely have to and I'm going to let him lead. I've realized that I have no control of the situation at all. This is hard for me, but I need to let him work through these issues on his own which is why I'm leaving him alone. I don't think I can take anymore heartbreak, so I still have my guard up.

Nel


Me: 51 H:50
M: 28 years T: 31 years
4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17
BD Jan 2013
D filed Feb 2015
Papers pulled Aug 2015
D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel #2668058 04/10/16 06:27 PM
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I've been keeping up with everyone's sitches but haven't posted.

A question: what is it that makes a lot MLCers want to be alone?


Me: 51 H:50
M: 28 years T: 31 years
4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17
BD Jan 2013
D filed Feb 2015
Papers pulled Aug 2015
D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel #2668063 04/10/16 07:07 PM
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Hi Nel,

I am no expert or doctor, but my guess would be that it has something to do with the depression.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2668076 04/10/16 11:27 PM
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Hi Nel, I think it is that being with someone 'makes demands' on them - and they don't have much to give - either to themselves or someone else. They aren't really there for themselves, and so someone else asking them for stuff just spins them right up and they can't really deal with it....

JMHO of course xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2668151 04/11/16 07:31 AM
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Thanks mleigh and Sotto. What about the anger?

I'm not feeling too hopeful about my sitch. It really gets me down. I rarely interact with my H because I've been no contact. I let him initiate if it is needed. But I feel the distance between us growing and it is disheartening. When he does talk to me, he is super friendly so this confuses me but then I think it is probably his guilt. Any ideas? D will be final this summer.


Me: 51 H:50
M: 28 years T: 31 years
4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17
BD Jan 2013
D filed Feb 2015
Papers pulled Aug 2015
D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel #2668158 04/11/16 07:37 AM
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Hi Nel, anger is a recognised stage of MLC and some MLCers remain pretty angry for a good while - ie: through the replay stage etc.

In terms of being nice, he's probably hoping you'll accede to his wishes for a 'friendly' D, and hopes you'll fall in with his vision of what the D (and settlement) will look like.

JMHO of course xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2669313 04/16/16 01:14 PM
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Nel,
People in depression tend to isolate themselves from others because they feel blah. It takes a lot of effort for them to do things or want to be around other people because they feel like they need to put on the happy mask. They have no interest in the things that they use to do and they would much rather be alone, sit in a dark room on lay on a couch at times.Depression for men can be very different than it is for women.

As for the anger, yep, it's another symptom of MLC and it takes time for that symptom to burn itself out. They are like two year olds having temper tantrums. If he's being nice, he's hoping that you'll play along w/whatever he suggests or wants. If you go against what he thinks you should be doing, the anger will come out to play. Don't play into his hands. Generally when they are nice, they want something or they've done something that will affect you or your bank account in a negative way.

Keep the focus on you, your financials and treat the situation as a business deal w/the partner trying to back out of a contract for now.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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