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Nel #2657728 02/28/16 01:08 AM
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"They truly don't understand how I can want to be with someone who has hurt me so much, so I'm thankful that I have you guys."

I am so thankful you came here! All I want to do is give you a big hug. I just read your posts and your example is so important to my process. Please let us know what you need from us.


Buttercup

Me 50 H 51
M 17 T 20
D16
H EA Feb 2014
BD Sept 2015
H moved out Nov 2015
W Filed D papers Mar 2016



Butterc #2657969 02/28/16 07:02 PM
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Thanks, Job and Peace. I will keep a close eye on my financials, but we don't have any accounts or credit cards together anymore. He (and I) are in total control of our own finances and bills.

Butterc- Thanks for stopping by and for the big hug! I love hugs.

Update: Well, it has been quite the weekend.

The good: Friday night, H and I needed to be together for D17 for Parents Night for her sport. Of course, I was friendly, dressed to kill, smiling the whole time. When the ceremony was over, I started to walk away, but H called me back to talk. He asked to go into the hall so we could hear each other better. He started with a few financial things, and then he started just chatting about various things. We talked about inconsequential things for about 15-20 minutes. Often I would think the conversation was over, but he would bring something else up and keep talking. Finally (I remember that in DBing you are supposed to leave first), I said I needed to get back to my seat. I just touched his sleeve and said I'd see him later. Looking back on the conversation, I saw a little bit of his impatience coming through with me when he was trying to explain something and I wasn't getting it. That surprised me. But him actually calling me back to talk in the first place surprised me even more since I had given him the chance to "escape."

The bad: Whenever I have interactions like this with H, I have major meltdowns the next day. ..and I did. It just brings up so many emotions. I also found out yesterday through D25 that H bought some new furniture for his house. That sent me into a tailspin. He is making it his "home" without me. The realization that this D is most probably going to happen hit me so hard.

The good: I desperately needed to talk to someone last night after this realization, but my family is so done with H. They are angry with what he has done. So far, my SIL (my brother's wife) has been more open-minded. I called her. We talked for an hour (with me mostly sobbing). We talked about the new furniture and she pointed out that its like H has just graduated from college and is setting up his own place. He's never had a chance to do that before (we got married right after we got out of college). I always paid the bills (he didn't want to), and all money has always been joint and spent on the family. He's never had total control of his money before. This made total sense to me. She also helped me come up with three things to look forward to this week to help get me out of the tailspin. AND she got me thinking about POSSIBILITIES for my future (if H never comes to his senses). With D17 graduating, I am not tied down. I can retire from my current job and change careers! Do something NEW and DIFFERENT! This excites me although these are going to be HUGE changes and will take some deliberation and thought. I need to be sure that I can do it financially. That's what scares me the most. But as my SIL said, explore all POSSIBILITIES because you can! I like that. I have no control over what H is doing or thinking, but I can control what I do.

Nel


Me: 51 H:50
M: 28 years T: 31 years
4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17
BD Jan 2013
D filed Feb 2015
Papers pulled Aug 2015
D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel #2658746 03/01/16 05:58 PM
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The bad: Whenever I have interactions like this with H, I have major meltdowns the next day. ..and I did. It just brings up so many emotions. I also found out yesterday through D25 that H bought some new furniture for his house. That sent me into a tailspin. He is making it his "home" without me. The realization that this D is most probably going to happen hit me so hard.

I feel ya. Its that hopeful feeling we get after we get the almost normal H who was our best friend for years. Our other half. Then we get back to NC and it sinks in that the R is not the way it was. I had a day moving my D25 with H, us working as a team again. We did an extended lunch, walk around her community, coffee, drinks and sushi...all the while having a good time. He called the next day to chat, twice.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
ciluzen #2658787 03/02/16 08:38 AM
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Nel. I am just catching up on your sitch and all I can say at the moment is that I am truly sorry you are here. Heck--I am truly sorry that I am here, having to tell you how truly sorry I am.

I also had 2 BD's, about 16 weeks apart. I DB'd after the first one and 8 weeks later he recommitted, thanked me for saving the marriage, blah blah blah, until last week when I get BD'd again. Via email!! After 21 years of marriage!!
He is a 49 year old 16 year old!

It seems like you really are in a pretty good frame of mind, and I believe that is half the battle. Go be the best Nel you can be, with or without H.


Me 47 H 49 S18 S15
M 21
BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY
I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16
Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16
BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16
Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June
H leaves 5/7/16
melweb #2658894 03/02/16 12:39 PM
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Thanks Cil and melweb-

My frame of mind changes hourly. Sometimes I think, yes I can do this, and then I'll get hit with that deep hole of despair because I'm missing H so much. Just have to ride the rollercoaster of emotions and hold on.

H did stop in to my room at work yesterday to say something to another person in there. (an excuse? he could have just as easily walked right on by). We had a short friendly conversation about the snowstorm that was coming. I have to say that he looks awful. It is obvious that he is not sleeping well at all. Being alone in his new house gives him a lot of time to think. I'm trying not to read anything into this, but this is the same thing that happened at the same time last year. He realized that he missed me and had regrets. Mindreading always gets my thoughts racing so its best to remember to keep the focus on me and let him work things out on his own. I also have to keep my expectations and hope contained. I have a secret place deep in my heart where I keep that hope. Not too many people know about it...except you guys. Thanks for being here.

Nel


Me: 51 H:50
M: 28 years T: 31 years
4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17
BD Jan 2013
D filed Feb 2015
Papers pulled Aug 2015
D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel #2659505 03/04/16 06:12 AM
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Nel, how are you doing?

We seem to be in such a similar sitch and state of mind. H dropped 2nd DB while on a biz trip and he keeps texting me. And I, like you, keep trying to mind read. Well, trying to read his crazy mind, is just making me crazy!! Yet, I have hope. I Think it is ok to have hope, just keep it in check and keep it to yourself. Keep the focus on you, and Cil had some good ideas for you to try.

I have said throughout... It will be his loss if he walks!! Your H will lose something wonderful and irreplaceable. Nel!


Me 47 H 49 S18 S15
M 21
BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY
I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16
Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16
BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16
Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June
H leaves 5/7/16
Nel #2659538 03/04/16 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted By: Nel
Thanks Cil and melweb-

My frame of mind changes hourly. Sometimes I think, yes I can do this, and then I'll get hit with that deep hole of despair because I'm missing H so much. Just have to ride the rollercoaster of emotions and hold on.

I truly believe it gets better as we gain more confidence in ourselves and more understanding of our spouses crazy, fluctuating, hurting behavior. Knowledge is power and time is our friend.

H did stop in to my room at work yesterday to say something to another person in there. (an excuse? he could have just as easily walked right on by). We had a short friendly conversation about the snowstorm that was coming. I have to say that he looks awful. It is obvious that he is not sleeping well at all. Being alone in his new house gives him a lot of time to think. I'm trying not to read anything into this, but this is the same thing that happened at the same time last year. He realized that he missed me and had regrets. Mindreading always gets my thoughts racing so its best to remember to keep the focus on me and let him work things out on his own. I also have to keep my expectations and hope contained. I have a secret place deep in my heart where I keep that hope. Not too many people know about it...except you guys. Thanks for being here.

It is so nice to find others like yourself to share what were going through. To feel less alone in a lonely,confusing, and scary situation. You understand what I'm going through more than my friends IRL and I understand what you are going through.
When my H was sharing his money fears and woes last weekend, I really looked at him. He is still my beautiful, handsome man. But I really looked. He has a growing paunch, his shoulders (I always loved his broad shoulders) are rounding forward, his hair is much grayer, and his face is just very... slack. He looks exhausted and depressed. His MLC is much harder on him than I think he realizes.
Stay strong and stand strong. We'll just keep that hope to ourselves.

Nel


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
ciluzen #2660090 03/06/16 02:08 PM
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H has stopped contacting me via text. The only time we interact is after D17 games and now those are done. The funny thing is when we are face to face, he seems to really want to talk about a lot of different inconsequential things that are going on. It's hard to remember that he doesn't want to be married anymore because it's so NORMAL.

He told me that next weekend, he will be attending D17's two day travel tournament with his mom. I am always with D17 at these. H has only gone to one so far this year. It will give me two whole days to interact with him....or should I stay away? It's such a fine line.

I'm hoping that because he's spending an extended time with his mom (which he rarely does), that maybe she can bring some clarity to the situation, especially to his childhood and help him heal. Their family doesn't talk about much, but I know that she is really disappointed in him walking away from me. H's dad left the family when H was 12 and he had to become the man of the family. He had to grow up quick. He had to work and take care of his 5 younger siblings while his mom worked to put food on the table. From the stories H told me, it was a horrific time for the family. He no longer has any type of relationship with his dad. It would be great if his mom could help him with this, but I'm not going to hold my breath because she isn't one to push him. I know she is heartbroken and knows that this isn't what I want. I hope she can help him.

Nel


Me: 51 H:50
M: 28 years T: 31 years
4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17
BD Jan 2013
D filed Feb 2015
Papers pulled Aug 2015
D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel #2660101 03/06/16 03:02 PM
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Nel,
You are so new to the MLC situation and I have to tell you, even if his mother speaks to him, it's going to still take a long time for him to work thru his crisis. That means he has to do the work.

If his mother tries to push and talk to him about returning home, he will distance himself from her as well. The less others interfere w/his crisis, the better. It's best to allow him to come to you or to others on his own. No one can fix him...only himself.

The most important thing to remember is that you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him...he has to do that.

Keep the focus on you and your children. Leave him in God's hands.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Nel #2660102 03/06/16 03:04 PM
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Nel,
If you normally go to the tournaments w/your D17, then go. Nothing says you have to sit w/him and his mother, nor do you have to share a meal w/them...if they invite you to do things, then you will need to decide then whether or not to accept...but your D17 stills needs your support and I certainly wouldn't let their attendance stand in your way of going.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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