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No, you weren't that bad. Do not believe the lie your W gives for ending the M. Refuse to claim what you know was none of your doing.

I think people who struggle with low self esteem, or who are natural people pleasers, are sensitive to being blamed or criticized. I remember when my H told me I was hypersensitive (especially to his family) and I would let something they said nearly make me sick. I was working so hard to win their approval that it would kill me whenever I heard something critical was said about me. Then, I would get angry and take it out on my H. Crazy!

I said all of that just to let you know that although I was the WS, my heart goes out to you about these painful things that are said or implied. I know a WS can be cruel. You know the true marital history. You know what part you did, and take responsibility. However, you can see through the blame game and realize that this is her method of getting out without being labeled the bad guy. If she can make you, and anyone else, believe it is all your fault, then she feels they will believe she has justifiable cause to leave you.

People who really know you will not buy in to her lies. It seems so common these days that I think a lot of society just marks it off as the spouse spewing to win favoritism and to recruit friends to be in her corner. There may be some who will side with her, but certainly not everyone.

If you continue working on yourself in these sensitive areas, I believe you will get stronger and can let go of something nasty things that have been said. It's those deep issues we have that really needs the work. The outward change is not as difficult as those matters that are known mostly just to ourselves.

I know you are going through a painful time, however, you sound stronger. And, that makes me feel good about you. smile


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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keefa Offline OP
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Hi Guys, Want to share this. Feel very odd and not sure how to deal with my emotions...could use some help.

Been managing to keep myself busy. Have seem my boys a little more, saw eldest on his 10th birthday and have managed to re-furniture my house and am living fairly comfortably all be it sinking in debt. Am running more, eating better, sleeping better and seeing my boys more. I Had up until this evening a real belief that yep I can do this.
Early this evening I got a text from my sister. My stbxw is on a very popular dating site. I looked and yes sure enough there she is.
I know its my own fault but Christ this hurts. how many kicks in the nuts does it take before its done ? I am feeling very cut up by what I saw. I guess it really is written in caps, bold, underlined and highlighted. I simply wasn't enough for her. why else would she be doing this? I feel weak again. I understand the practicalities of divorce, the logistics of shared parenting, the legal process, the feelings of hurt and betrayal. What I cannot understand is why. What the hell did I do that was so bad that she had to get out of the marriage this fast ? I just don't understand. I get the WAW being in the affair fog etc but this is different. She is actively looking to date. 8 months since ilybinilwy. 1 month since moving out. this is so odd. It really can only mean the whole thing was a sham. I feel so confused again.


me45,W43 S9,S5
T15yrs M10yrs
BD 4/07/15
W wants D 4/07/15
W filed 8/05/15
D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas,
W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
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I remember when I saw my ex-wife's profile(not the W I am currently trying to DB).

It gutted me. But that pain pushed me into a new level of detachment. I realized that she TRULY wasn't the person I married. That person was dead to me.

Feel the sting, Keefa. Because you will start to detach from this. Don't look at that sh!t anymore. She will do what she wants to do. And do you really want someone like that?

Funny thing happened with my ex-wife. Once I let go, started dating again, she pursued me like CRAZY! Even threatened suicide if I didn't come back. Too late, I was detached and quite honestly, disgusted with her.

I know I could still have her back to this day. A simple phone call to her and I could have her back. But that's the last thing I would ever want.

Detach, Keefa. One foot in front of the other. You will be happy again.

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keefa Offline OP
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Thanks Thornton. I appreciate what you are saying but it looks as though she wanted the hell out as quickly as possible.
I'm not feeling too down at the moment as some of the momentum from the last weeks GAL are still carrying me but I am feeling so many emotions.
It feels like she is being unfaithful over and over again even though it is clearly over. I can't help think about why she didn't even try to save our marriage, it makes my whole relationship less meaningful and belittles the 'us' I thought we were. This is what I am really struggling to come to terms with. It must have been a sham or a lie. I'm thinking about joining a workshop. Maybe some people just work through this stuff quicker than I ever imagined. My friend says its probably her way of GAL.
I am trying not to care and to detach but the truth is I care, I miss my wife. I loved her and just because she's gone, I just can't stop loving the wife I remember. It is scrambling my head if i'm honest.


me45,W43 S9,S5
T15yrs M10yrs
BD 4/07/15
W wants D 4/07/15
W filed 8/05/15
D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas,
W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
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She's trying to fill a void, Keefa. She has a hole in her heart as well.

Some people jump right into other relationships, they are called rebounds for a reason. But if she hasn't done the work on herself to fix the things that are broken, she will carry these same issues into her next R.

Some people turn to drugs and alcohol, some start working 80 work weeks, some people gamble, some people hop from one R to the next.

Focus on you. And fixing yourself so that when/if W comes back around, you are healthy and strong. If she doesn't come back around, you will be healthy enough to start with someone new.

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It is probable that she isn't comfortable alone and believes replacing you will pass the time better than dealing with her.

The fact that she isn't in a R is good. You need to employ all Sandi's Rules (Look Good, Act Happy, Act As if you have moved on, as if things have changed, be confident and charismatic). It is these things that will help you. Talking about feelings, justifications, reasonings... none of that will do any good.

If you don't mind me asking. Why don't you have the boys 50/50 custody?


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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keefa Offline OP
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I am going for 50/50 but until court date, she has the power and is using it to 'control'. sadly, my solicitor said it would happen. (I defended her when told this, I defended her when my friends told me it was likely she was having an affair, I've always been proud of her until these last few months) I dislike immensely the new person she has become.

At the moment am following my legal advice, biting my tongue, being nothing but polite and professional and seeing the boys when I can (i.e when she decides she has a date I guess) until the courts put it right. But I am seeing them more and more at the moment, which is the most important thing. I thought our relationship was so so close to R a couple of times, especially over Christmas, but I now feel this was me stretching all the way over to her and not finding any common ground. She has not cried, she has not shown any remorse or sadness, it is almost robot like or mechanical how she has gone about things, denying access included. I've said this before but it is like she came home and found ME in bed with another man or something. It is so odd. She has been gone a month and a person can do a lot of thinking in that time. I honestly feel and believe she didn't love me. Liked me perhaps but not love. I have my faults but it seems the whole thing is blamed fully on me and not her affair. because I would not accept the affair or tolerate the behaviour that goes with it, the relationship became toxic and this is her way of punishing me.
'This would have all been sorted out if you'd have moved out when I said' etc is all I got.
I stayed for my boys and will carry on fighting to get a fair solution.


me45,W43 S9,S5
T15yrs M10yrs
BD 4/07/15
W wants D 4/07/15
W filed 8/05/15
D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas,
W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
Joined: Nov 2014
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You have to keep biting your tongue. Continue to go through Legal Representation so that you don't have to be fighting her.

She is lost. She is not the woman you married. All you can do is act as if. Be confident and strong. That is THE only way.

When her selfishness shakes and the mirrors begin to fall she will be back. But you have got to be the Confident Strong person she meet a long time ago.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Jan 2016
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Originally Posted By: keefa

'This would have all been sorted out if you'd have moved out when I said' etc is all I got.
I stayed for my boys and will carry on fighting to get a fair solution.



Keefa
keep the faith! I have been gone for a bit as I needed to focus focus focus thru another rough ride and have been trying to find places to live which is #1 focus

It is amazing to hear some of the same things being said by some our former significant others (W/H). My STBX said the EXACT SAME thing....that I should have moved out and the sitch could have been different
Now its toxic. And I keep fighting for my D.....

The R may be gone but you have your boys and will find your way over time!


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
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keefa Offline OP
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Here is my thought for the day that I thought would be nice to share. It's an equation..

What I want What will always be
what I hoped for What I can do
What like Does not equal How I can live
What I dreamed of How I can love
What I felt safe with How I can feel


me45,W43 S9,S5
T15yrs M10yrs
BD 4/07/15
W wants D 4/07/15
W filed 8/05/15
D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas,
W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
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