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#2652029 02/10/16 08:20 AM
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keefa Offline OP
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Extremely confused

I am now living alone in a shell of a house stuggling.
I 'think' I am very very slightly past rock bottom but not really sure yet. I am hoping this thread plots a significant change.
I've been told to take the afternoon off work again as I cannot stop the tears. My thoughs this afternoon are quite simply, where did I go wrong ? I provided, cared, worked hard, supported, did my share and so on and so on. My stbxw has never, not once, even tried to talk about our M or the D. it has just been a series of statements 'I want a divorce' or letters from her L. Anyone any thoughts on why this has been so decided right from the BD ?


me45,W43 S9,S5
T15yrs M10yrs
BD 4/07/15
W wants D 4/07/15
W filed 8/05/15
D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas,
W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
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Keefa

YOU did not break your wife and YOU can not FIX this or her.

You are blaming yourself for HER feelings.
You have NO control over her feelings.
You can only accept them for what they are.

YOU can look in the mirror and see what there is about yourself that needs to be changed.
You make those changes for YOU, not to win her back.

You make yourself into a person only a fool would leave.
Then if she is a fool, you can not help that.

I am glad you are a little passed rock bottom.
Slowly you will climb out from this point forward.
It will not be straight up and you may have some set backs along the way.
However YOU can make this climb!

Make some small goals right now and work on carrying them out.
Remember the goals are for YOU!


Me-70, D37,S36
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keefa Offline OP
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Cadet, that felt like a kick up the arse! Thank you. I guess I needed that.
Went to parents evening this afternoon. Both my boy are doing great. Am so proud and pleased for them. They are not showing much in the way of emotional distress at the moment but I think it's now that it will start to change due to the parental alienation. STBXW works part time as a teacher assistant at the school so she is well known. They knew about the 'toxic relationship' as she has labelled it to them but they didn't know that it was because her A. I sat with the teacher, she asked me what was going on, I told her. I was crying, she was crying. She ushered me into see the head who has said she is more than willing to try acting as a mediator with STBXW to see if I can get more access to my boys. This was a tough afternoon. Hopefully some positives will come from it.
Back home now to an empty house. I bought some bubble bath. I am going to go for a run then soak in the tub with a cuppa and some podcast or music. I hope it works.


me45,W43 S9,S5
T15yrs M10yrs
BD 4/07/15
W wants D 4/07/15
W filed 8/05/15
D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas,
W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 107
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Keefa I'm so sorry. I did similar / put wife through school, never any trouble / fighting / lack of intimacy or anything. She just fell in love with some guy and rewrote history. And I am in a huge house by myself and try to get out of it every night! It's tough being alone by yourself where you used to have your best friend / lover / wife. Betrayal is a traumatic thing for me, and it's tough every day.

I hope you truly believe what Cadet wrote - it's not your fault. Her A is a reflection of her inadequacies, not yours. Doesn't make it much easier on us emotionally, but we can only be accountable for our parts that contributed to the state of the marriage and positive changes we can make to ourselves. I do hope these WW's will see things with a clear head and heart one day, but they might not.

By the way, the run and soak will be awesome! Always makes me feel a bit better.


M 43 W 45
M 10.5 T 15
S 26 D 17 (previous relationships)
ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D
Confirm affair 1/10/16
W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
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Keefa
Hang in there....dont' blame yourself and as others have said...she has to look herself in the mirror and I am sure she won't like what she sees over time

Maybe we shall all find one big house and it can be like the movie "old school" ...probably save us a ton of cash in the interim :-)


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
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Posts: 322
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Rich4j, the "old school" house would be a great idea!

Keefa, hope you had a good run. I too am about to go for a run to get out of this big, empty, apartment that I shared with H. My gym also has a steam room which does a miraculous job of sending me instantly into chill mode. I've tried everything to get out of this place on a nightly basis and sometimes, it sends me into a deeper depression. Every night I leave work dreading coming home to an empty apartment, going to bed by myself - wondering where H is and is he with someone else. And what makes it all even worse is that I can't even afford to be here by myself so dealing with that in itself is a pain in the arse but, I'm putting the pieces together as best as I can. Wish H/Best Friend were here rebuilding with me.


"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
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I am so sorry, Keefa, to hear about your struggles. My story is similar with my H having an affair for 6 months. I thought our marriage was fine until he dropped the bomb he wasn't happy. In the last week, he filed for divorce, bought a new house, showed the kids the new house and told them we were proceeding with the divorce. Like you, he seems unmoved by any of the changes I have made or any divorce busting that has been done. It is heartbreaking, but it isn't your fault. I know it is hard to believe because I am feeling low myself right now, but it was our spouse that decided to break their marriage vows without trying to address the problems. I commend you for taking action like running and bath to help boost your spirits. I hope it helped! I empathize with you tonight and hope it will get better....


M 44 H 46
M 20yrs T 25 yrs
S15 S12

ILYBINILWY 7/18/15
Move to MBR 9/8/15
Physical Separation 10/10/15
Suspect A 8/2015
Confirm A 12/27/15
D filed by H 2/2/16
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Posts: 35
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You know what keefa? Your wife is giving you a gift, the gift of allowing you to become an even better man but without the guilt. You didn't do anything wrong and you tried to work things out with her. She's going to be free but she's going to have to live her choices and the guilt of walking away.


M41 W39
D3
Open Marriage Request by W 6/15
BD 9/15
1st EA 10/15
2nd EA discovered: 1/16
I moved out: 1/16
2nd EA blew apart 2/16
PA 4/16
I've had enough, filing for D
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
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As others have said Keefa , this is not really about you. It her and her issues. None of us are blameless however you must not take all the resoonsabilte for the breakdown

Right now W sees happiness at the end of the rainbow and she's chasing it hard. All you are is an obstacle to her.

You are not dealing with the woman you knew It's so tough but is reality for now and maybe forever Stay strong and do things for you

Take care. Rd

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keefa Offline OP
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I have a meeting this afternoon with the head of my boys school ( also stbxw's boss) and they are hoping to try and give some mediation as to why I am being denied access. I am hopeful. Got some money from a private job I did so went and bought Star Wars and Spiderman duvet covers and new duvets for my boys. Their old room now looks like their old room. Made me cry an awful lot but I am glad I did it. I also replaced most of the bulbs that she took so it's now looking brighter at least. Small steps.
I got to thinking about all the comments. I know I have faults but the difficulty for me is knowing which of mine are genuine as everything in the past has been my fault anyway. I look in the mirror and like and respect who I am as a man.
I have reflected back alot these last few hours and I honestly don't believe I was loved. Not truly. we've rubbed along together quite nicely. It makes me sad but it is also something I kinda knew. Buying and doing up the house, having the rounds of IVF, bringing up the boys were all distractions and I know inside I have been fighting for love, fighting to be valued. It's just not worked out that way with her. It reminded me of an old saying. Don't choose someone you can live with for the rest of your life, chose someone you can't live without.
Will see what the meeting at school produces later.


me45,W43 S9,S5
T15yrs M10yrs
BD 4/07/15
W wants D 4/07/15
W filed 8/05/15
D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas,
W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
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