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Kyh #2649171 02/01/16 02:28 PM
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Kyh,
It's best that you continue to go for counseling on your own. You need a safe place to talk and you honestly can't do that if she's there. It's best to leave this topic alone. When she's ready, she will need to go to individual counseling, but that's a long way down the road.

Now about making threads, i.e., going to om's place of work. Do not make threats unless you are going to implement me. Like children, they will push your buttons and if you don't follow thru, they will not believe a thing you say. Besides, he's really nothing more than a band aid for what ails your wife right now. You are giving him more power than he deserves and you are going to hear a lot of things that you don't want to hear, so please, stop talking about him. He's taking up head space w/o even paying rent. The less you bring him into the picture, the less important he will become.

Now about the religion. There are some that are searching and generally land w/a religion that they think will fit their needs. In some cases, believers become non-believers and vice versa. There are some that will take the religious beliefs and read into them something totally different than what is being taught, i.e., used to fit their particular situation. For now, leave her alone and allow her to work out her religious beliefs on her own.

My advice, keep the focus on you and your children. Your wife is a very lost, but determined and stubborn soul. She needs to have plenty of time and space, so much so, that she chokes on it. You fuel her fire each and every time you have a heated discussion about things. The best way to deal w/her is in a calm manner. Also, if you have apologized for something, then don't apologize again. One apology is enough for anyone.

It's time to start thinking about you, what you can do to alleviate some of that stress. It's time to think about Kyh and your children. Leave your wife in the hands of the man upstairs. You can't reason w/her because she's very emotional and you can't rationalize w/and irrational person because they won't "hear" you.

Leave her to twirl in the wind for a while.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2649298 02/02/16 12:04 AM
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Thank you Job.

She's not going to go with me to my sessions. I offered having her go later on since she brought It up but I meant to another counselor at the office. Regardless, I will be sure to just drop it.

I need to reread detachment and dr. My 5-6 hour alone work drives are awful for overthinking.

I wouldn't dare talk religion with her. I was curious because she has such a chip on her shoulder and it comes up a lot. I never bring it up.

Thank you again for your advice, it is much appreciated.

Kyh #2650939 02/07/16 12:41 PM
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This week went okay. Took the kids sledding Monday night during a storm. They had a snow day the next day and w needed my car to get to an appt. so I worked from home and let her take mine. I thought it was just until lunch but she didn't come back until that evening. I didn't say anything but I was really expecting to go into my office in the afternoon. That night she left open a kindle book about uncoupling she bought on my ipad which she never uses. I just ignored it.

The following day she got stuck and I had to come pull her out. She acted like I was going to be upset or something (idk why, maybe she was wondering why I was being nice with everything going on, like I would leave her stuck in the road). She stared being nice later when I came home for lunch and thanked me four or five times for making dinner that night since she went out to get a few things boots for her trip with step mil and came back after the kid's bedtime. She stayed out of her room after putting the kids to bed and we watched a tv show in the same room, then she went to the kitchen and watched another episode from there before I went to bed.

She left with the kids the following morning and was being nice and sent a few texts along the way with more than one word and a period. She let me know when she got there and then told me she downloaded that book and thought we could both read it. I didn't respond. She's sent me a few texts and pictures of the kids. I told her thanks and kept things short. She was up and down the few times we spoke so I could talk to the kids. Should I even respond about the book? I wasn't going to unless she brings it up. Then I was going to say I was readings some other things right now, which I actually am.

I tried to do a little for myself this weekend. I got a haircut and went to the movies on Friday, caught up on some much-needed sleep yesterday but having lots of dreams about w the last few days. I also took one of the dogs to the park to fetch in the 40mph wind to get some energy out of her. It's weird being in an empty house, I'm really missing my kids this weekend.

Kyh #2651165 02/08/16 06:25 AM
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Hi Kyh,
Just wondering if DR was ever dictated so that you can listen while driving? Dating myself, but thinking the newest version of books on tape?

Could help with those long car rides. I've been following along here although not posting much. Keep listening to Cali and Job. Thx for popping into my thread ... Glad you liked the soup smile

Stay strong my friend. You are doing better than you feel!
Xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
bttrfly #2651256 02/08/16 09:26 AM
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Thanks, I will have to look into the audiobook. I listen to podcasts but lately I'm so lost in thought I don't hear anything.


So w wanted to talk about r or rather d last night after she got home.  I didn't want to as it was late and I'm trying to take advice and give her space.  Everything was calm. I tried not to say to much and follow other advice I've been given. We talked for a while and she finally accepted an apology for me not standing up for her with my mother in the past after I rephrased things (& explained some things) thanks to another thread.  Then she apologized for hurting me (I took it as referring to A but she didn't say that). Then she said she "just didn't think she could ever love me again." She has said that phase three times now.  Twice last night.

During our talk I also got directly compared to her parents again. It was very strange and made me pause, I think she was expecting one of her parent's reactions (or both) out of me.  She also told me she talked to step mil during her trip and has been talking to her throughout this. Well I know the latter part of this is a lie.

She asked about the book she sent. I looked at the author and she wrote another book about finding your true love in a few days (don't want to list any actual titles). I told w I looked at it and researched the author and found her other books. I said it must not have worked out so she wrote the second one and kind of laughed. She told me her friend recommended it and she just skimmed the preface. This is one of her friends whose husband doesn't ever have a job and cheats on her but she always stays together (w is always telling her not to put up with his As; idk how she makes sense of hers).  Makes me wonder if she is helping push w to do something she really wants to. This is so frustrating. 

W says she just wants to go. She said she wants to take her car, student loan, and credit card and d while spitting custody. Our other debt is my student loan and the mortgage (we just bought our first house). 

I kept it together last night but had to go to work early this morning so she or the kids didn't see me so upset. I knew it would be coming but it still so painful.
She wants to talk about it again tonight so I guess I better brush up on my homework again today.

Kyh #2651374 02/08/16 02:42 PM
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My advice? Tell her you have plans tonight and can't talk. Go get some rest somewhere. No good will come out of a second night in a row of no sleep emotional talk.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



twinmom #2651381 02/08/16 03:25 PM
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I agree w/twinmom. You can only listen to so much of this BS before it wears you down. I would go home, do whatever you do in the evening and if she begins to talk about the situation (again), advise her that you are sorry she feels that way and walk away. Do not engage in any more discussions about her and how she feels about the situation. I may be wrong, but I think she's trying to push you into telling her to leave or that you will pack up and leave...don't do it. If she wants to leave, she needs to be the one to decide to do it.

This type of discussion w/her will continue to go round and round and nothing will be accomplished. Nip it quickly and civilly and move to another room and find something to do.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2651494 02/08/16 08:01 PM
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My DB coach has a good line to avoid relationship talks: "We are going through a tough time and I don't think talking helps. We are both hurting and can get easily derailed. I'll give you the space you need. Let's relax until our minds are clear."


M 25 T 29
D 22 S 18
BD 9-11-15
H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
Kyh #2651722 02/09/16 12:00 PM
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Hello KYH,

Did the two of you talk last night or were you able to use some of the good suggestions you received here and put it off?

You are so smart to recognize that the relationship talk isn't getting things moving in a positive direction. I'm glad you are doing your homework. More importantly, focus on making positive changes for you! Be the best KYH and Dad that only a fool would leave.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Cristy #2651809 02/09/16 03:32 PM
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Thanks everyone. When I got home last night she told me someone at her work quit and she had to go into her office and put things together to take care of her meetings so she didn't come home until after I had the kids in bed.  She is wanting to talk about finances and splitting our joint accounts up and also about d without lawyers (at this moment I can't think of why I would do any work for something I don't want).  She said she didn't have time to get the financial things together. I said that was fine and I was tired and going to bed.  She looked terrible and had a headache but started talking about her work goals and how much she was going be making next year and how busy she was going to be.  I was thinking and didn't say anything for a few seconds and then she said "I don't know why I'm telling you since you don't even care." I told her I did care and I wanted her to be successful. I was really supportive before all this as well. Then she said "I just don't want you to think I'm dependent." I told her I certainly didn't think she was a dependent person and that it was quite the opposite.  I then said I was really tired and was going to bed.  She said she had to go back into the office tonight when I get home.

I certainly needed a break to think. I was starting to question myself and what was going on, if it was really all me. Then I had to remind myself how she isn't the person I knew (no reason to list it all), and how I've been willing to own up to my faults work on anything and everything to no avail.

Job, I was thinking about what you said about wanting me to kick her out or leave. I've been wondering about that for awhile. She was acting really weird when she got home that night.  What I said above about her expecting a reaction like her parents made me think she wanted a bad reaction so she could run.  I never would have given her a reaction like her parents even though she's been able to get my personal worst out of me though all this.  When I didn't give her what she expected that night she was surprised. 

Cristy, I've been thinking about giving coaching a try (I've questioned a little of my counseling), but it would be difficult right now financially with the counseling I'm doing and w. Things are all over the place. Hopefully they will be in order soon.

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