Thank you job, Bright, Sotto and bttrfly for your advice and support.
job - yep sugar, giving that up will be a hard one. As for the reconnection stage - I do know that the slower it goes the more chance we have, but I can see why so many give up at this point, the forwards backwards standstill dance is very frustrating !!
Bright - I was very tempted to go on the girls trip, however it would have meant spending all I have saved leaving nothing for emergencies. As I spent most of my married life living in debt I vowed not to go down that route ever again - apart from a mortgage which I dont count as debt. I don't have a credit card or overdraft for that reason, so my trip would be purely funded on my savings; when its gone its gone. Its a holiday for all of us and the majority are cash rich and want to do the extavagant long lunches at wineries, a mini cruise and various other activities, it would not have been fair on them to ask them to dial it back for me or fair on me to feel pressure into keeping up with them, so the best thing to do is for me to not go. I feel sad I cant go, but it is my reality right now, more so with my latest health issue; if I have to take time off then I will need savings to cover it.
Thank you for the ibuprofen information, I am trying to only take it when I really need it - generally I pop a couple before my 2hr face up (making my dept look pretty for the following day) at the end of the night because that's really fiddly and by then my hands have really had it and are in a lot of pain. I see the dr again mid feb so will talk to him about pain relief as I am now waking in the night with painful, hot hands - they feel swollen and tight, yet are not visibly so.
Sotto - thank you, you always say such lovely things to me and give advice and a kick up the butt when needed. I text h, just a "hi hows your day" chit chat, he responded the same and prob gave him a memory jog that I still exist.
bttrfly - thank you for your kind words and thoughtful information. At this point I will look at anything to help with the symptoms and slow things down.
As for job change - easier said than done. Yes I have looked at becoming a buyer but my knowledge is not great enough yet. My problem is that I don't have a great cv, I have only been working 9 months ! And yes, I know I have had a promotion within that time, but its all manual labour and that is where I am placed at the moment. To get into something less active and strenuous on my body I will have to train in something, and this is where I am stuck, I have no idea what I can or want to do, nothing appeals to me. I am very much Blur at the moment. My friends keep telling me counselling, but I feel I am far to opinionated and impatient for that. I am very much a doer' I like to be doing something active, I get bored very easily so variety is good for me.
School begins again in a couple of weeks after the summer break, so if I am going to train in something I need to make a decision very soon. I can't think right now, my head is mush lol.
Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts and support.
well, this is kind of "out there" but i've known it to work for me and others, so you may consider giving it a try:
try asking the universe for guidance just before you go to sleep. ask to have some answers provided to you in your dreams and (this is the important part, lol) ask to be able to remember it when you wake up!!!
heck, what do you have to lose?
xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
You know, its not as "out there" as you think. I was once told to write a question on a piece of paper just before I go to bed, then read it out aloud to my spirit guides, giving them the sign I want to see for yes and the sign for no, then put the paper under my pillow. I did do it - it was in the early days of all this, so of course my question was "will h come back to me". Lol.
note: you may need to do this a few days in a row. if you have any mugwort handy, that's good for working with dreams. problem is it's not good for restful sleep so don't use it on a school night, lol xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Lou- so good to catch up on your posts. I know that your job is physically demanding and yet you still run at full speed even with a bum knee. Try not to push it too much. Easier said than done I know...just try to keep things steady so you don't irritate your joints.
As for H, I am thrilled you had a good trip. Sounds like H is MIA but you can just focus on yourself for a bit. You can handle this beautiful friend.
(((Hugs)))
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen !!! Hello :o) How are you my friend, its about time we had an update from you. I miss you !! Thank you for your kind words.
bttrfly - so glad you got an answer to your question. If you asked for it to be revealed within a dream then that is how it would be. I ask for specific signs to be shown the following day. So far nothing has come to me, perhaps that's my answer - Do Nothing ?
Not much to update, I have been keeping up with everyone's posts, I currently feel that I dont have anything to offer or add, but know that I am thinking of you all.
s19 has moved back home, long story - he was going to move down to his dads, but changed his mind. Came to me last week and he was looking terrible, he admitted to the chest pains and zoning out being back, he is stressed out with worrying about pretty much everything, life had become overwhelming and he now sees what a good deal he had with me. I could not in all conscience leave him to carry on in this way, having him learn a lesson is one thing, but having him getting sick over it is another. So I told him he could move home, ground rules are that g/friend does not live with us anymore, she can stay 2 nights a week. He is to contribute to the household income and respect me and my home. 3 days later I come home from work to find him fully moved back in lol.
Health front - nothing new. I have my skin appt next week and also a follow up with dr about my hands and knees. My hands are the worst, the joints on my fingers extremely painful to touch and stiff most of the time now. I can no longer make a tight fist without pain. I have changed my diet and been taking the supplements, I know stress is a huge factor and its been a couple of years of very high stress levels !!
Work - again, nothing new. Still demanding and I know I need to find something else. But what is the problem, I have not heard anything back from any of my applications which is getting me a bit down, although I am very unsettled right now so perhaps changing jobs is not a good idea. My appraisal is coming up in the next couple of weeks, its what I have been hanging out for, to have something on permanent record ....as long as its good ha ha.
H - well, that's gone arctic cold. I have no idea whats going on. The mixed messages continue and I am over it to be honest. I have had the odd text and call, I keep it all about him and light chit chat, but I am running out of things to talk about, there is only so much kids, weather and his life (which he is sketchy about and I dont bother pushing for knowledge anymore) that I can chat about! I did do one thing though - in the "try something and see what the response is" category. We just had a long weekend here, so on the Friday I did my weekly text to h (thanks sotto and job) and he responded as usual. I then said I should have invited him up for the weekend as I had it off too - his answer was that s22 was going camping so he had no one to dog sit. I did not actually want him to come visit - like I say, I dont know what to talk about anymore - but I thought I would put it out there that I am still interested. He has never asked me how I feel after xmas or told me how he felt afterwards. He has not talked to me about anything and now I dont ask, nothing gets said. It turns out he had a whole weekend of going out with friends planned so he would not have come anyway.
I am bored of this, fed up of being treated like I dont matter. He make this huge declaration about it all now being about me and I am the one he wants to be with end of story - then does a 180 and its back to all being about him and what he wants; he told me a while ago that he wont be doing "whatever it takes" at the cost of him. Just so selfish and unappealing right now. Until I see some action then all I hear is blah blah blah, I can't be doing with it. He knows where I am, its his responsibility to make this happen, but the longer this goes on, the more he messes me about, the further away I go from him. His thoughts on all this seem to change constantly, he goes cold and withdrawn so I question it and he says "no? nothing has changed, my end goal is the same" but then completely ignores me - does he think I am going to just run into his arms when he is finally ready ??!!
Well that is this weeks take - I am sure he will reel me in again at some point lol.
I have my holiday to look forward to, I have no plans for it, I need to save the money - hence cancelling my girls trip - but it will be good to have some time away from work and give my joints a break. Good news is that I have been told I have accursed enough leave so I will get paid for it :o)
So that's all from me - like I said, nothing really happening. I need to try and kick start my GAL stuff, its all fallen behind and the lower I get the less I do things, I have found myself in a vicious circle that I need to break.
Lou, I am sorry to hear that your hands aren't any better. I do hope that they can discover what is causing them to flare up and can recommend a course of action to help alleviate some of the pain.
Your h reminds me of a toddler learning to walk. He stands on wobbly legs and holding on to something, but is also looking back to see if mom is there to catch him if he falls. When he sees that mom is still right where he left her, he continues to take those wobbly steps until he reaches the next object to grab.
Lou, what may have happened w/your h is he realized that you were moving on w/your life and he had a panic attack that you weren't going to remain where he left you pre-crisis. So, what did he do? He told you how he felt, but he's still not ready to recommit fully. This is where you need to start thinking of dropping the rope and moving forward for a while. You are getting disappointed and frustrated w/his behavior. Lou, he's still playing in the replay pool and it's going to be some time before his words match his actions. He's content and happy that you are right back where he left you a while ago. I know you would dearly love to reconcile, but you need to drop the rope of expectation for a bit. Consider him just a friend for now...nothing more. If you can do that, hopefully your expectations won't go up and you can accept him for who he is right now, i.e., someone who is still a bit in replay.
Your toddler needs to grow up and learn to walk on steady legs w/o mom being there to catch him.
I do hope you feel better soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Lou, when I read your post, I was reminded of something AJ posted a while ago. About how important it is to see not what the MLCer is 'doing to you' but what they are 'doing for themselves.' If you can take that perspective, it may help perhaps?
I've also read about MLCers having 'wake up calls' and then dipping back into crisis to carry on moving forward. I think Job is right and best to move forward with your own stuff. Like any of us, you may get to a point where you decide you don't want to stand any longer. We all get to choose that, but it doesn't sound as though you are there yet.
Keep taking care of yourself and I hope you plan something nice for your time off.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
