I think my DBing story has likely been at end for sometime.
I lurk and linger more for the people and connections I have made and the experience of humanity and hope, than for anything else.
I find reading newcommers posts hard most of the time. I over-identify with the pain and can't find the words to over any relief. And besides there are such good people here who do it so well. We know who they are because they have healed little pieces of our hearts and souls along the way.
There was no way when I arrived here that I was ever going to save my relationship. It was long gone whatever I had with Mr Ex. I really just didn't want to feel sad anymore. And I don't. I am a happier more contented person.
I am a terrible DBer. I don't understand the nuances. But I do understand commitment and love and digging deep. I thought that by some chance I was going to experience a complete transfomation that would be life altering, that would bring me the love I have always so desparately wanted, to not feel so alone. That was never going to be. I don't know why I thought it would. But my life has changed in subtle ways.
I am better friend, better listener, I have less need to be right, I am more open to being vulnerable, and while I have been so scared of losing people and connection in my life, of being left behind or not being noticed, I guess there is freedom from it when it actually happens and not actually dying because of it (I jest but really that's how it felt).
I have always wanted to be one of those people who naturally shone and succeeded in everything they did, who even in adversity just knew how to make it work for them. Yeah, Nah, not me. Yeah I'm Charlie hoping I will find my Golden Ticket. Maybe I will and the Chocolate Factory in the deal.
I guess if being here has taught me anything, is that you really don't know what can happen in 100 posts and that's ok, because no matter you will be perfectly and completely ok.
So maybe this is one final chapter, one more set of 100 posts. Who knows what will write itself, what adventure may be called forth, potential romantic senarios, more sad scenes, possibly some outrageous fun.
Hi Jelly, You are an awesome person and I am so glad I met/ found you.
I am sure there are many here who feel the same way. You are a gorgeous person inside and out and I am rooting for you to find your golden ticket. If you do, please share some of the chocs with me cuz I love chocs! I would definitely fly over to join you.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Like you I am not a great DBer. I use it as a compass direction but don't do it perfectly. If I do it long enough, even this old dog may learn the trick.
JB, you are perfect just the way you are and that's what we love about you. Imperfection is perfection. Find contentment in yourself, you are perfection.
Have to agree with the others JB , you seem kinda perfect and with real insight to people. Don't sell your self short because you have and are helping people on here daily Your golden ticket is waiting to be found and find it you will
A big thank you from me because I read almost all your posts and find them helpfully every time
I don't know you well enough to say much. But your post was both sad and uplifting at the same time. I have read some of your advice to others and it's always great.
I too hope you find your golden ticket JellyB.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
You are jind and caring. You have made a difference to many people in this world as we all have. Stay strong. I especially appreciate all the support you have given me.
We all DB at different levels. As we all know, we can't control others. We do the best we can and move on!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me stay strong and contribute to finding who I am again.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
We come here hoping for great changes in our lives. For our relationship. For ourselves. We quickly learn how much is beyond our ability to change. Eventually we find happiness with thing as they are, without change. Isn't that the biggest change of all?
Thanks for sticking around JB.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Why do you say you are still a terrible divorce buster and what nuances do you not understand? Do you disagree with some of the advice? Or perhaps the way some of us interpret it?
I am curious because I value your insight so much.
I too often feel like I am just going around in circles. No real permanent growth. Or perhaps 1 day I do, and then the next day I'm dysfunctional again
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are an amazing DB friend. Supportive, insightful, kind and oh so much fun. I think we would have fun together IRL. You got me through the holidays this year...really. Just letting you know how much I appreciate you...my favorite Kiwi.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thank you for all your kind posts. They are very affirming and I feel the love and support from each and every one of you.
I am mulling over a decision about having further weight loss surgery vs having plastic surgery. I have been trying to figure out the pros and cons and motivations for doing one and not the other.
With the return to working out regularly, my appetite is out of control and so is my eating and have gained weight. Which is devastating. It leaves me feeling so hopeless seeing the scales going up and up. I know that further weight loss surgery is going to likely involve a pretty invasive surgery which has no guarantee of any further weight loss and it means incurring financial debt to make it happen. But I can't see any other way around this problem.
I go back and forward on this. Trying to get my head around the why and wherefore's. What is that I hoping to achieve? I have gotten to the point where I am not sure that the outcome matters in more, the desire to have control over my own body, seems more appealing than anything else. The ability to boss it back into submission to do what it's told. To finally feel like I am winning over this body that has betrayed me for a lifetime.
It probably seems strange to most that I should be writing about this on a site which is about saving your marriage. But it isn't so strange if you live in my head. I'll be entirely transparent and honest, I know that I don't see myself being with in a relationship with Mr JellyB , until I have lost this weight. I don't want to take this baggage into the next relationship, but also there is a part of my that feels that a quality man would not be attracted to me as I am now. I know, I can hear the sighs and moans at the statement. I here them in my own head. I am frustrated and angry with myself that I feel this way. It is not the belief system of an enlightened soul, of self accepting soul.
But I also know that there are people here who will understand. The people here who were grateful for the weight loss that came from BD, the people who are losing weight and exercising as a 180, the people who know the relationship between abuse/trauma and weight.
I hate this demon and the interplay this has to myself sense of self as person, as woman, as a partner in a relationship with the man I love. I want it gone and I guess my very simplistic view is cut it out and off. (oh dear it sounds so barbaric when I say it like that).
Jelly, I think you are perfect exactly the way you are. I have no advice on the weight loss surgery because I have no experience with it. However, I do know that you do not have to be thin to be loved. You have helped me more than you could ever know. I do not have the words to express what I am trying to say, I am not as eloquent as some of the others on this board, but I do want to say that I really hope you put your health first and do not agree to any procedures that are not truly in your best interest.
I understand what your saying and I've felt the same at times. Weight is one of those things that can feel like a barrier to overcome to fix our other problems. I know everyone says we can be any size and be happy and that we should be happy. I'm not sure I can offer any advice as what to do, I want my weight off also but there are days where I accept it where its at also.
Just know you are a beautiful, gorgeous woman and have so much more going on for you that weight should not be important. The know the whole "beautiful on the inside" only goes so far to our self-esteem and doesn't feel like its as important as whats on the outside but know it is MORE important than the outside. Sure, it would be nice to have both that way but even if they were it wouldn't be a solution to our other problems.
Sorry I don't have anything better to say, just wanted you to know I do care and understand those feelings also.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Jelly, you really are gorgeous inside and out. You talked me through a very difficult time when I was facing my ex's spew. You reached out to the scared little girl that the ex had reduced me to.
It takes an angel to do that. An angels are beautiful. You are beautiful.
Be strong, safe and healthy.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thank you Fo and Glr. You know how much I love both of you. Our connection has allowed me an experience of friendship that I don't think I have ever really had.
The geographical distance between us seems completely absent to me at times. I feel like you are just around the corner and I could stop by for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine at any time and your faces and homes, and children, would be as familiar to me as my own family and friends I have here in NZ.
There is something so powerfully healing in the friendship that many us find it here. It is a blessing to have my small world opened up and see our commonalities and also our differences. Acceptance and love is like glitter glue to a broken heart. You still see all the cracks, but boy oh boy does it sparkle.
I get it, it is about mental health and physical health as well as looks.
Weight is one of the toughest issues to face, if the excess is arising as a result of exercise then there is resistance somewhere.
I suggest exploring physiology first. If you need volume and satiety then there are solutions. My first eye popping insight came from the BBC Horizon programmes (free on line) in 3 parts What is the right diet for you. You have nothing to lose and it's about eating regimes not diets.
Have you thought of hypno band? My latest try out! I will let you know.
Have you been tested for the hormone deficiency.
Can I recommend a book?
It's out of print and called in the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant. The core of the book is that Rs that end are just those in the meantime and part of the pathway to becoming whole. Each R teaches us a new lesson (or the old one recycled!) until we are whole. I found the book very inspiring and comforting. It was on a friends shelf and was lent to me, I bought it on Amazon for myself.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I don't like the endorsement of serial relationships.
If someone ends the relationship, obviously we have to keep going. But I think relationships should teach us how to find happiness and make a partnership work, not how to pack it in and look for greener grass.
But that's not the world I live in, I'm working on accepting that. I touch acceptance at times. I'll get there.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thank you for the post and the support. Yes you are right the being beautiful on the inside does only go so far at times. It would seem that most of therapy time is taken up with spending trying to grey up my thinking, from my very black and white thinking that I do when I navel gaze my issues. This weight thing is just one such problem. It causes me a lot of pain and I think that is more what I want rid of than anything else.
Some of it too is about showing the ex's that I have grown and changed and moved forward with my life. I know we aren't meant to care about that so much. But my weight was so much of my feelings of insecurity in my relationships I would like to put it to bed.
I totally get where you are coming from. I have always struggled with my weight. Up and down, depending on what was going on. I'm a stress eater, until I get so stressed out that I don't eat and then loose weight too quickly. Sometimes I wonder if I use my weight as a buffer to keep people away. I think I'll have to touch on that with my IC next time.
For now, I would be happy with slow weight loss. I'm eating much healthier, but do indulge in comfort food every once in a while. I love poutine (fries with gravy and cheese curds) and Havarti cheese. Mmmmmh! I have slowly gotten away from the heavy food of my heritage (German and Hungarian). I have cut out alcohol completely, thanks to my liver issues. I eat lots of fruits and vegetables and make sure to take my vitamins and supplements daily. Magnesium is really important, it helps with the absorption all the other supplements and vitamins. If I don't take it for a day I really feel it. I quit smoking in January and a couple of times I got some serious cravings to eat. I seriously wanted to eat non stop for like hours. Thankfully I had stocked up on veggies and fruits that week. Nibbled on carrots, cucumbers, tangerines and bananas the whole day.
It's not easy and I fail over and over, but there is no giving up. This is my life and this is my one and only body. I have to try my best to make it a healthy and happy body. You do what makes you happy!
A friend of mine had the lap band surgery a few years ago. She looks and feels great. She does miss eating big meals some days and most sweets will make her nauseous, but she is happy. Ironic thing is that she is a baker that owns two cupcake shops and made my wedding cake.
Just know JellyB, that inside you is a beautiful person. Bodies change. We get old. We get wrinkly. Things will sag and droop. In the end it's the inside that sustains relationships. I think once we find happiness inside of ourselves, the outside either comes along or it really doesn't matter to us anymore.
Oh and JellyB, I think you are gorgeous anyways!!! Lots of men love us bigger women. Even Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition had their first plus sized model this year.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
I have been heading your thread and I have so much love and admiration for you you are such a caring person and your posts to my thread have come with such warmth and deep loving understanding.
They say that to truley love we have to love ourself first and this is an area where I thought I did love myself but I realise that I have much work to do here.
One of the things that I have found from being here is that there are so many really kind warm people out there who offer their time and knowledge to others
Jelly never ever forget that you are loved
Happy Valentine Day
Gary X
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Jelly, I always love it when you show up and post on my thread. You always offer great advice and a kind word. I am so sorry that you have been struggling with weight issues. I know how painful that is and how impossible it can feel to loose it. I have been on a weight loss mission since BD. I will admit that I started walking because it was the only thing that relieved my anxiety and made me stop crying. When I was walking as fast as I could, I would get out of breath, then I couldn't cry because I was having to focus on breathing. It worked well. I walked MILES every day....and I was not a walker before that! I lost 10 lbs the very first week. Of course, that was because I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and couldn't stop walking. I was probably walking 9 or 10miles a day during that first week. I would stop and as soon as I started to catch my breath, I'd feel worse and the tears would stop so I'd go out and walk more. I am so glad those days are over! I now walk 3-5 miles several times a week and I eat less than I did. I have lost 42 lbs so far. I wish it was coming off faster, but I will get there eventually. Have you been exercising at all? If not, walking is great for your heart and helps speed up your metabolism.
If you're wanting to do surgery, have you checked into the gastric sleeve surgery? Several women that I worked with had this done and they ALL had great results with it. The surgery is less invasive than bypass, recovery time is shorter, and complications fewer. They returned to work 2-4 weeks after the surgery. One of my good friends had it done and she looks wonderful! Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there in case you haven't heard about it.
Whether or not you loose weight, there is someone out there that is going to love you just because you're you! They will see your loving and caring heart and won't be able to resist your kindness and charm.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I wish I had advise to give you. You are such a big help to me and I wish I could reciprocate in some way. This is such a difficult decision and I can understand your reasoning. No matter what you decide, I just hope your health and safety are prioritized. I am sure you have thoroughly researched this.
That being said, I know beautiful vibrant women that are very overweight, who attract many men and are involved in happy relationships. I also know women that are model thin that are unhappy and in unhealthy relationships. I Really believe that it comes from within.
But I also understand the stresses that are placed on women to look a certain way or to be a certain age. I never thought I would have to worry about my appearance again as a married mom in her late 30s and now it terrifies me, so I don't want you to feel that I am simply giving you the old "don't judge a book by its cover line" without really thinking over what you are going through.
I do want you to know that we all have our insecurities though.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I don't like the endorsement of serial relationships.
If someone ends the relationship, obviously we have to keep going. But I think relationships should teach us how to find happiness and make a partnership work, not how to pack it in and look for greener grass.
But that's not the world I live in, I'm working on accepting that. I touch acceptance at times. I'll get there.
You make the assumption here that the statement refers to romantic R. It doesn't and in any case who says all Rs need to work perfectly or that we should try to make them all life long?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I don't like the endorsement of serial relationships.
If someone ends the relationship, obviously we have to keep going. But I think relationships should teach us how to find happiness and make a partnership work, not how to pack it in and look for greener grass.
But that's not the world I live in, I'm working on accepting that. I touch acceptance at times. I'll get there.
You make the assumption here that the statement refers to romantic R. It doesn't and in any case who says all Rs need to work perfectly or that we should try to make them all life long?
V
I definitely considered this was aimed at non-romantic relationships, but I find it unlikely this is what the book was aimed about. Romantic relationships have a degree of intimacy far beyond friendships, and we reflect more on them when they end. Even if I'm wrong and this wasn't what the book was about I was still voicing my opinion.
I don't think all R's need to work perfectly, when I spoke of finding happiness I meant within a flawed R, not a magical unicorn that fulfilled us. Unfortunately that is what people are looking for.
As for the idea they should be permanent, I do subscribe to it. I believe we lived that way for thousands of years, in small communities, with our partners for life, raising children, being part of a bigger unit. This idea that we are individuals and should be free to pursue happiness has not led to happiness but rather widespread confusion, chaos, and discontent. The freedom to chase happiness equates to the freedom to abandon the things we later learn hold true meaning. And we rob ourselves of the chance to find happiness in what we are given as we strive to get what we think we deserve.
Again, just my thoughts. I recognize I am in the minority. Right or wrong we are in a culture in which we partner, walk, grow, partner, walk, grow, find someone that fits the new us, journey for a while, walk again, grow some more. I just think the true lesson is there to be had, and we are walking away from growth not towards it. But since this is the world I have to live with it. I am making progress. I don't agree, and I'll play my cards differently. But I won't let my disapproval interfere with my appreciation for what this life has provided for me.
Thanks V. JB, I've got some words for you too, just trying to find a way to voice it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I get it, it is about mental health and physical health as well as looks.
Weight is one of the toughest issues to face, if the excess is arising as a result of exercise then there is resistance somewhere.
I suggest exploring physiology first. If you need volume and satiety then there are solutions. My first eye popping insight came from the BBC Horizon programmes (free on line) in 3 parts What is the right diet for you. You have nothing to lose and it's about eating regimes not diets.
Have you thought of hypno band? My latest try out! I will let you know.
Have you been tested for the hormone deficiency.
Can I recommend a book?
It's out of print and called in the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant. The core of the book is that Rs that end are just those in the meantime and part of the pathway to becoming whole. Each R teaches us a new lesson (or the old one recycled!) until we are whole. I found the book very inspiring and comforting. It was on a friends shelf and was lent to me, I bought it on Amazon for myself.
V
Lady V,
I have an appointment with a Naturapath this week, to take a complete overhaul of my health, particularly my gut health. We will see where we go.
As for Iyanla Vansant. I read in The Meantime when I was in my early 20's, after I saw her on Oprah. Iyanla was the first person I heard say "when you know better, you do better". It resonated with me as a young woman of 23-24 years. I had been out of major episode of depression about six months and was on the verge of discovering my career in social work. At the time I was reading anything I could get my hands on that would move me closer to happiness.
If I said I didnt get past the chapter on second floor in the book would that make you smile. I still had so much to learn and growing to do V. I always vowed I would come back to the book some day. Seeing the title in your post made me smile. Maybe this is a sign that I am really ready to clean house and get to the attic.
Thanks V.
Lots of a rainbow tummy love. I know you are so very tired. Rest when you can.
I totally get where you are coming from. I have always struggled with my weight. Up and down, depending on what was going on. I'm a stress eater, until I get so stressed out that I don't eat and then loose weight too quickly. Sometimes I wonder if I use my weight as a buffer to keep people away. I think I'll have to touch on that with my IC next time.
For now, I would be happy with slow weight loss. I'm eating much healthier, but do indulge in comfort food every once in a while. I love poutine (fries with gravy and cheese curds) and Havarti cheese. Mmmmmh! I have slowly gotten away from the heavy food of my heritage (German and Hungarian). I have cut out alcohol completely, thanks to my liver issues. I eat lots of fruits and vegetables and make sure to take my vitamins and supplements daily. Magnesium is really important, it helps with the absorption all the other supplements and vitamins. If I don't take it for a day I really feel it. I quit smoking in January and a couple of times I got some serious cravings to eat. I seriously wanted to eat non stop for like hours. Thankfully I had stocked up on veggies and fruits that week. Nibbled on carrots, cucumbers, tangerines and bananas the whole day.
It's not easy and I fail over and over, but there is no giving up. This is my life and this is my one and only body. I have to try my best to make it a healthy and happy body. You do what makes you happy!
A friend of mine had the lap band surgery a few years ago. She looks and feels great. She does miss eating big meals some days and most sweets will make her nauseous, but she is happy. Ironic thing is that she is a baker that owns two cupcake shops and made my wedding cake.
Just know JellyB, that inside you is a beautiful person. Bodies change. We get old. We get wrinkly. Things will sag and droop. In the end it's the inside that sustains relationships. I think once we find happiness inside of ourselves, the outside either comes along or it really doesn't matter to us anymore.
Oh and JellyB, I think you are gorgeous anyways!!! Lots of men love us bigger women. Even Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition had their first plus sized model this year.
Diana
I love that we have our Hungarian blood in common. I am a healthy person, I eat well, I exercise, I don't smoke (never have), and drink alcohol only on special occasions and sleep incrediably well. There is no reason for me to over-weight.
The constant failure is devastating and heart-breaking. I know I need to stop talking in terms like this. It is however my truth. At least for now.
I cannot have a gastric sleeve as the damage done from my gastric lapband means that sleeve is likely to leak as my stomach walls have been thinned and scarred from previous surgeries. My only option is a complete gastric bypass.
Given the outcome of my most recent surgery to remove the lapband it is likely I will not be able to have the gastric bypass by laproscopic surgery, I will likely be required to have a full incision from under my sternum to my belly-button.
This is invasive and the liklihood of complications is very high. Worse case senario is death, then possibly losing the ability to eat orally, and being required to be tube fed and there are also the complications of the upper bowel being nicked and potentially for uncontrolled bowel motions.
The other end of the continuum, is constant nausea and reguritation, and not being able to absorb minerals and vitamins, anaemia is likely.(sorry to be so graphic).
Is the risk of this, worth it. Feeling socially accepted, accepting myself. Feeling I can finally move on, being at peace with something that has been a demon and driven many depressive episodes. Hmmmmmm time will tell I guess.
Thanks for posting Diana. You know I have a huge amount of love and respect for you. Your journey and your overcoming is inspirational.
Jelly, I always love it when you show up and post on my thread. You always offer great advice and a kind word. I am so sorry that you have been struggling with weight issues. I know how painful that is and how impossible it can feel to loose it. I have been on a weight loss mission since BD. I will admit that I started walking because it was the only thing that relieved my anxiety and made me stop crying. When I was walking as fast as I could, I would get out of breath, then I couldn't cry because I was having to focus on breathing. It worked well. I walked MILES every day....and I was not a walker before that! I lost 10 lbs the very first week. Of course, that was because I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and couldn't stop walking. I was probably walking 9 or 10miles a day during that first week. I would stop and as soon as I started to catch my breath, I'd feel worse and the tears would stop so I'd go out and walk more. I am so glad those days are over! I now walk 3-5 miles several times a week and I eat less than I did. I have lost 42 lbs so far. I wish it was coming off faster, but I will get there eventually. Have you been exercising at all? If not, walking is great for your heart and helps speed up your metabolism.
If you're wanting to do surgery, have you checked into the gastric sleeve surgery? Several women that I worked with had this done and they ALL had great results with it. The surgery is less invasive than bypass, recovery time is shorter, and complications fewer. They returned to work 2-4 weeks after the surgery. One of my good friends had it done and she looks wonderful! Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there in case you haven't heard about it.
Whether or not you loose weight, there is someone out there that is going to love you just because you're you! They will see your loving and caring heart and won't be able to resist your kindness and charm.
MB thank you so much for you post.
I celebrate you and the reward of all your hard work on getting the weight off. If is something that you want to achieve for yourself than I back you 100%.
Exercise can be so such an empowering tool for healing and managing emotion. I know I feel so much better when I use it in this way. I personally don't get a lot of personal pleasure from it as some people I wish it did. It is a chore for me. But the side effects on my health and mood cannot be denied.
Keep going MB, I hope you can transform your body in way that it feels amazing and beautiful to you.
I don't post much on your thread because you have some big hitters there, who are providing you some much more than I ever could. I do read. You have indeed traveled a journey. Be kind to yourself, through next part. Self compassion can bring so much healing to those of us, who desperately want to get it right.
I wish I had advise to give you. You are such a big help to me and I wish I could reciprocate in some way. This is such a difficult decision and I can understand your reasoning. No matter what you decide, I just hope your health and safety are prioritized. I am sure you have thoroughly researched this.
That being said, I know beautiful vibrant women that are very overweight, who attract many men and are involved in happy relationships. I also know women that are model thin that are unhappy and in unhealthy relationships. I Really believe that it comes from within.
But I also understand the stresses that are placed on women to look a certain way or to be a certain age. I never thought I would have to worry about my appearance again as a married mom in her late 30s and now it terrifies me, so I don't want you to feel that I am simply giving you the old "don't judge a book by its cover line" without really thinking over what you are going through.
I do want you to know that we all have our insecurities though.
Thanks for the support Julie. It is hard one to offer someone support on. I know there are bigger problems in the world than being a fatty. I know it makes me seem like a small minded person, a dependent person, a needy person. My ex was a parapeligic and he felt completely comfortable in his own skin, and here I was complaining about my fat and excess skin. It astounded him I think that I couldn't/wouldn't lose the weight, when he felt it was completely in my control. I just needed to apply myself more, have more discipline and focus and stop taking the easy way out, look Jelly at what I can achieve. Hmmmm I was never going to live up to that was I. All good he now has the woman of her his dreams. A champion body builder. Yes these are the comparisons I make in my head about this. It hurts.
Thanks Julie. I will pop by your thread. I know you are having hard time with being sick and parenting and feeling that H is not intiating and making reconcilation an easier process.
Jelly, you wrote "Thanks for the support Julie. It is hard one to offer someone support on. I know there are bigger problems in the world than being a fatty. I know it makes me seem like a small minded person, a dependent person, a needy person."
Not all fears are rational. Irrational fears are still fears and have the same effect on a person. Your weight is a symptom of the underlying cause. It could be mental or physical or both. Regardless of origin, it is a legitimate issue. It is unfair to you dear friend to quantify it as less as a struggle then other peoples. Look at it this way, they are all the same struggle, just appear differently. Or this way, you get homework in many different, science is different then math or psychology but at its root it's the same, homework. As far as degree of difficulty, it is all the same. Albert Einstein struggled with his math problem just like a middle school'er struggles with algebra.
All humans struggle with issues. There is no pecking order to struggles. Simple or complex this problems are just that, problems, regardless to their order of magnitude. When a 5 year old's goldfish dies is not that grief the same as a 25 year old's cousin dies? Grief is grief, struggles are struggles.
Perhaps issues from when you are young are still issues and grown up Jelly is not does not see them as such because of your "grown up" perspective. I see roots of my issues going way back.
I am beginning to realize, key word-beginning, that it may all be ego. How I filter my struggles with ego affects my actions, reactions and perspective. We are working the wrong problem Jelly. Let's work together to find out the root issues, do that algebra homework and build a funeral pyre for that goldfish.
Hi there Jelly - I've been hanging out over here without the right words to say (as usual), but also as usual mutatio said this greatly. You and V have both told me this before too. You can only base your fears and your feelings on what you know and what you have experienced. minimizing and comparing these to other's does not provide solutions. But, putting more pressure on yourself doesn't provide solutions either.
Throw the next bit out if you want as it probably won't come out right (I mean no offense to anyone and I am speaking mostly about myself in this). Most of us are not exceptional people, most of us are not going to save anyone's life or cure anything, we are not going to be in a magazine or quite frankly even draw a look from someone else. We cannot compare ourselves to those in magazines, or to the charm, confidence, and swagger of those actors. We are all mostly average and boring if you just look at the surface. But there is something in everyone that can spark a fire. Maybe we will never figure out what that is or will be afraid to show this to someone else when the opportunity arises.
I am not trying to minimize your feelings, but with the health risks as you describe them, could self-acceptance and elimination of the pressure of all of this be an option?
Much love to you Jelly u-turn
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
J I am beginning to realize, key word-beginning, that it may all be ego. How I filter my struggles with ego affects my actions, reactions and perspective. We are working the wrong problem Jelly. Let's work together to find out the root issues, do that algebra homework and build a funeral pyre for that goldfish.
Mu, can you talk to me a bit more about this. Thanks Jelly xxx
Thanks for post U, I always love to hear from you and you are welcome to my place at any time.
Just reading your post. what pressure oo you think this is pressure that I put myself under?
As I see and lets be honest I am likely not seeing this correctly as being too close to the problem. I am only trying to achieve a sense of normalcy and sense of belonging, to rid myself of pain. Sure there is the health and wellness side and that goes without saying. I am not getting any younger and extra weight matters.
I admit that there is a high level of vainty in this for me. As Mu suggested and think Zues previously posted on my last thread my ego is significantly invested in this venture of transforming this body that I have.
I am so confused about how I should feel about my own state of attractiveness and beauty.
Fo and Julie are both struggling with anger and their H right now. I hear the hurt and loss and the betrayal. Imagine that anger turned inwards. Would you not do anything to rid yourself of that.
Jelly, I struggle with how I look. I dont have the best complexion in the world and suffered from really bad acne in my late teens and twenties.
So I can understand a little how you feel. I am still plagued by scars but by now, I have learnt to live with them. And I realise that if I smile a wide smile, somehow people get distracted by my smile and don't look too closely at my complexion.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Fo and Julie are both struggling with anger and their H right now. I hear the hurt and loss and the betrayal. Imagine that anger turned inwards. Would you not do anything to rid yourself of that.
I don't know how to explain this.
This comment saddens me on so many levels. It makes me reflect on myself and my husband but also on what you are going through.
I would never want you to feel torwards yourself the way I sometimes/often feel torwards my husband. You feel betrayed by your body. You are angry because you feel as if you have no control of something that is so essential to your goals and future. How do you learn to just accept yourself for what you are and what you bring?
Understanding my husband and talking to him helps me to accept him. The anger really comes because he won't talk to me and explain. When he does I no longer feel anger, I feel love and compassion. Perhaps understanding yourself and listening to your own inner voice might help you?
I want to tell you straight out. While I have met people that have done well with lap band short term, I am afraid of the lap band procedure. I have seen some very sad complications. I am only being this direct with you because I have a current aquaintance undergoing such a complication. She is my age. Does the risk of these complications increase second time around? Are the success rates of such a procedure actually worth the risk for the complications? I am sure you have thoroughly researched this and are considering this from every possible angle so I apologize if I am being intrusive.
I wish you so much success as you take this step in moving forward and releasing all that has been burdening you, emotionally, psychologically and physically.
I will have my happy dance ready for when you reach your goal.
It's been a little while since I have posted, this is likely to be a stream of consciousness and journalling more than anything else. I am feeling a little emotionally lost tonight, a long and emotional day and I feel adrift in a sea of feelings without much light to see where the next safe harbor or pier or port maybe. I guess I am feeling equally dramatic. But I have come to know this about myself. Ah self acceptance.
This will pass I know that. When I arrived here wow just over a year ago, what a mess little Jellyb was. Depression, anxiety, self hatred, suicidal, jeez what a little ray of sunshine I wasn't. Really is it 12 months ago? I thought I could never be happy again. I would never learn to love myself. That maybe being dead was a better option than living with such heart and mind numbing pain for the rest of my life.
When did it change? When did the pain, turn to sadness, turn to anger, turn to grief, turn to rage, turn to grace, turn to connection, turn to love, turn to joy, turn to optimism, turn to self love. And it cycled turning back in and on itself over and over - 12 months eh? Ha! But never like the real pain like in the beginning.
So I guess this sea of emotion I'm floating in today, is just life is it not? Today I just feel like I'm in the water and not floating on top of it, and at the very least not drowning it. It must be good day! Hahaha turns out it's a good day.
The breadth your emotional evolution is wonderful. Your consciousness is drifting through the universe in this vessel called Jelly. There have been calm seas, turbulent seas, hot days and rainy nights. All these experiences offer your consciousness the insight that these emotions are non dualistic in nature Jelly. They are not opposites but all in relationship together for your consciousness to experience. Lama Yeshe explained it this way and it helped me finally see it.
Lama Yeshe: When you contemplate your own consciousness with intense awareness, leaving aside all thoughts of good and bad, you are automatically led to the experience of non-duality. How is this possible? Think of it like this: the clean clear blue sky is like consciousness, while the smoke and pollution pumped into the sky are like the unnatural, artificial concepts manufactured by ego-grasping ignorance. Now, even though we say the pollutants are contaminating the atmosphere, the sky itself never really becomes contaminated by the pollution. The sky and the pollution each retain their own characteristic nature. In other words, on a fundamental level the sky remains unaffected no matter how much toxic energy enters it. The proof of this is that when conditions change, the sky can become clear once again. In the same way, no matter how many problems maybe created by artificial ego concepts, they never affect the clean clear nature of our consciousness itself. From the relative point of view, our consciousness remains pure because its clear nature never becomes mixed with the nature of confusion.
Jelly, don't confuse your experiences with your consciousness. You are more then emotion and more then a physical vessel. You are a beautiful jewel of consciousness.
Lovely JksD thank you for your faith in me. I doubt myself some days and yesterday was one of those days. You know how it is. When you just don't seem to be enough.
Lovely Mu, you are too kind in your descriptions. I don't see it some days Mu, this evolution. V said something to me the other day about remarkable growth. I told her I still feel embryonic. She told me it was ok to feel that way. Bless and love her.
I am still troubled by the vessel and not alot closer to any resolution of what to do next with it's external presentation.
I have formed some greater thoughts about why I feel I need this surgery done before I have a partner in my life.
It is definitely about worthiness. It is still somewhat confused in my head but it is something along the lines of:
I understand and know that men love me regardless of how I look
I struggle to accept that love because I feel unworthy due to how I look.
I believe they deserve better than how I look.
I don't want my partner to be judged by my appearance, I don't want him to be considered less than for being with me. And feel this quite strongly.
There are of course all the other vulnerablities of being naked and intimate with someone but I feel the above is more connected to my desire for surgery.
There is no insight here, this is just what I have been able to simplify and name in therapy.
But I so value your words, encouragement and support.
It is funny I have to practice detachment with you so much. Let you move in your own time at your own speed. I laugh at myself with regard to this. If I had my way we would be meeting for coffee with Fo and the gang. I'm a pushy controlling codependent. I told you I'm embryonic!!
I have been thinking a lot about your post. I think it's a really important topic. I think many men do not truly understand how difficult it is to be judged constantly on your appearance. A female's value often comes from her appearance...At least that's how we feel. Not by any individual male. But by society in general. I think the aging process is a lot more difficult for females as well....especially when we were left by our partners who we expected were committed to us and whom we were prepared to grow old with. So this is the perfect topic for these boards and has not really been discussed too much.
Most of us struggle and relate in some way to what you are describing. You are certainly not alone in these types of thoughts.
It does not rationally make sense (Sarah Silverman made a really funny comment about being devalued for not dying) but it's still there.
It's funny. If I was given the choice of being super beautiful (and young) or highly intelligent. I really do not know which I would choose. That is very sad and perhaps is a reflection of the values society installs in us from a very young age. As a female, I know that my life would be easier being super beautiful. If I was a male I would want to be super intelligent.
It takes a very strong female (and I know they do exist) to be able to accept herself for her accomplishments and the love she brings rather then her appearance. So I guess this is what many of us have to learn to do right?
Cause even with surgery there are so many events that can occur that will effect our appearance. Aging, stretch marks,a health insult like Bell's palsy, losing teeth, hair loss, a surgery that can cause a scar on your face, scarring from burns, a car accident, the list goes on and on. (my years of negativity and anxiety helps me come up with this stuff ). We are not celebrities and can't address every flaw that comes along. All we can do is learn to accept ourselves for being more then just a pretty face. What I am trying to say is that it will always be something.
Not easy. I know. Because its basically about reprograming new thought processes and changing the way we think. (Like me trying to change my years of negative thinking to positive thoughts) I think you have the insight, knowledge, background, intellectual capacity and power to be able to do this if you chose to.
I'm not sure this is an issue of gender. I know men feel simili about their bodies in the context of seeing themselves as masculine, strong, attractive to the right person for them. Body image and self acceptance I don't think is feminine issue, its a human issue to love the body your in, to keep it healthy to feel it serves you well, to feel empowered in it.
I think women are likely given more permission to discuss our vulnerablities and discuss our sense of feeling pressure from societical expectations and social media.
I have spent a long time thinking about this JujuB. I often ask myself how I would feel if I lost a breast from cancer. How would I feel about my body, who would I feel about a man looking at me, finding me sexually attractive. I struggle with this one alot. I have spoken to friends who have lost their a breast/breasts.
This is so shallow and unevolved, but I think I could work through it easier than this body I am in. At least there was some victory won, an overcoming. At least men would look and see and say " [censored] she took cancer on and f**k, there she is rocking that scar, rocking that victory".
My thinking is likely naive because I have so much, well emotional "weight", excuse the pun attached to this issue. I can't see the wood from the tree's on it.
I wrote something today to a friend and it kinda summed up what I have been trying to communicate to myself about this issue
" I made the decision in January 2015 that I would not enter into a relationship for a year to get my head screwed on, get my depression handled and live my own life. Dealing with my issues with being alone. I feel that I have done all of that.
I also didn’t want to be in a relationship with another man until I had fixed this body of mine. I wanted to go into a new relationship leaving all of my feelings about my body behind. These were a set of insecurities I no longer wanted my new partner to deal with. I wanted him to have the butterfly not the caterpillar. I am nowhere near this and it’s disappointments me greatly.
These were the two deals I made with myself. If this one issue had of come together I feel like I would be about as ready as I ever would be to meet someone for a possible relationship."
I guess that's how I feel about this surgery and being slimmer.
Thanks for posting JujuB. It helps to nut it out with someone who isn't me.
I want to talk about beauty if I may. Being beautiful is both a blessing and a curse. Glam sis has a very difficult time as dates are always about how she is. That sort of R can never be anything other than superficial.
Every one can be beautiful, faces are extraordinary and bodies are capable of enormous healing.
There is no doubt excess weight can be a health issue and it can be damaging for joints and internal organs. I know from personal experience when we are unhappy with our internal selves it effects our external self.
It is our internal health that reflects externally. It makes us shine and glow, it gives us spark and makes us desirable in our own eyes.
This is what I know and this is what I lost when I bought WH view of my world.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Your words were helpful to me when I felt very alone. Just knowing that you check in on me was very consoling. I just wanted you to know that I check into your thread from time to time. I guess one good turn deserves another.
Hope you are well. I also hope you are getting unstuck, because stuck is not a good thing to be.
JB...If you ever wonder if you're missed all I can say is every day. Don't continue to post if it isn't helpful to you, but do know that you always are in our hearts.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm never far away Zues, I'm lurking now as I did in the beginning. I continue to read your thread and I always read your posts on those whose sitches I know and with whom I have built a little rapport with.
I have gone to write an update many times, but it seems wrong to post in newcomers now as there are still so many in the pain here. I remember the pain as only a distance memory with the occasional more hurtful twinge. I was never married to Mr Ex, so there is no place for me in either Surviving or well anywhere else here. So it is laughable but I am in limbo with this board. I can't quite be a walkway, I don't know why I continue to lurk. I assume that it is because of friendship and connection. Saying that to you given your current conversation with SunnyB and V, seems cruel and unusually ironic.
I have been reading your posts silently for months and they continue to move me, frustrate me, anger me, sadden me, inspire me, and challenge me in a way that no other poster has (well V is likely up there too)
You were my lifeline for many months in my early days and months and there are no words to describe the place you hold in my heart and at times there were moments I think you were the difference between, me getting up and battling the demon depression another day or not. There was always a reason to find out what Zues had to say to me, to another poster or for himself.
I have struggled so much recently reading your posts about women's role in society and in your life. Its been disappointing to me that I don't live up to your standards of womanhood and moral propriety. I don't view myself as a person of low moral fibre. I believe I am a good person, a good woman with a strong sense of social right and wrong. That I am worthy of being known. Of being known by you. Your posts have had me checking myself. I know I know, likely more of my daddy issues coming out, my need for his constant approval and acceptance, which I am never going to get. There is still work to be done Zues. And I continue to do it.
I'm not one of the strong, beautiful women you connect with here, who you engage in the level of intellectual stimulation and challenging conversations that you are so responsive to. These women have always been the yard stick I have used to measure my feminine worth. It makes me laugh because I still come up so lacking in comparison. My aspiration for being one of those smart, easy going, fun, intellectual types, well it is becoming less aspirational for me. And rightly so.
I am learning to accept that my quirky world view, soft heart and ample bottom will move a few men, but not necessarily all men. I have come to learn that this needs to enough.
I guess then given that I am emotional and sensitive that our exchanges have also been such. I know we have at times tripped on each other's boundaries and hearts because of this, and if I ever left your heart feeling a little trampled on, I am SO very sorry for that.
There is likely more to say, and a better update than this is required, but know I am happy in my life, I have made some significant shifts and had someone come into my life who is teaching me that I am more worthy of love of than I feel sometimes.
Take care my dear friend (and I will call you friend)
Whatever I write next is overshadowed by how excited I was to see your post. I don't know if I belong in newcomers anymore either, but I will say this group has played a big role in me making it through my darkest time. I still feel compelled to read and post frequently. That may change, that may not. But I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Although I do try to post on others threads a bit too so I can try to earn my keep. But for you, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Just know you're always, always in my thoughts and invited on my thread or in any conversation I get worked up about on that given day.
I truly am sorry that I've made you feel insufficient and judged. I will admit that I'm not sure where specifically I caused that, I've spouted off about a lot of stuff and I don't always realize the impact it can have. As you know the 'insufficient' attitude runs deep with me. I battle it a lot personally, and at times I can wound others by holding them to standards no one can live up to. This is one of the main reasons XW filed D, so I will own the fact that I am aware I can hurt others in this way.
I guess a big part of that is the difference between how others might perceive me and how I perceive myself. In my eyes I am just some guy that couldn't make a marriage work reacting to his own loss and feelings of alienation. It is always a shock to hear others respond to me like my views are somehow significant.
I think we have much in common. I am pretty sensitive too. In fact, I think the reason I'm so hard on myself is because I struggle with coming up short. By being harder on myself than anyone else could be nothing else really gets to me. And oftentimes I can laugh off my failures because I know I died trying to do my best. But as a result of all of this I tend to keep to myself. Both because I can hurt others the way I hurt myself, and because I am too fragile inside to handle much intimacy it seems.
Another way in which we're similar is that I, too, find it impossible that a woman could find me desirable. I won't go into it further on this thread, we've talked about it before to a degree. Unfortunately there is a lot of truth to our concerns. I learned the phrase 'sexual market value' this year. I'd never heard it before, but it has to do with the unspoken but almost tangible value people are worth on the relationship market. To act like it doesn't exist is naive, and to act like physical appearance doesn't play a role is equally naive. And we're conditioned so heavily that even people that are aware of the issues still are influenced by them. Well, like your physical appearance, I know there is truth in that I have inherent deal breakers that rule me out of relationships by and large.
As for the role I've played in supporting you through your dark times, in my mind that makes it all worthwhile. Of course I regret my foot in mouth moments, and any disturbance I've caused. But I'll be easier on myself knowing that you've found our connection positive overall. Just do me a favor and remember that I have nothing but the best intentions towards you JB, and any harm I do reflects my own shortcomings every bit as much as yours. And that your shortcomings don't matter at all to me, because I've got my own demons.
Whatever you feel like sharing, whether it concerns comments I've made, whether you'd prefer to leave that behind and just talk about where you're at these days, or whether you prefer to keep a little more distance, either way you have my continued support in what is best for JB. Take care and thank you for your post!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I keep rereading your post. I've noticed a couple of things you've said that didn't connect the first time.
I get that I've said things that make you feel you don't measure up to my standards.
You also mention not feeling you measure up to others strong, beautiful, and intellectual discussions.
Let's see. I'm supposed to have learned how to validate. But I'm struggling. All I can say is I understand you feel that way. It is surprising to me because I've never felt disappointed in who you are or how you've conducted yourself, and I have always found your posts strong and intellectual which is why they make me think long enough to reply three times. As for beautiful, well, all I have to compare is your screen name, and JellyB is as good looking as any I've seen (nice 'double l' you've got going on!).
I am not dismissing your feelings, just wanted you to know the light I see you in. Frankly if there are things I've said that you'd measure up poorly against, it's probably because I was out of line. When I contrast the odds that I just got carried away versus that you are a bad person I find that it's much more likely that I got carried away!
OK, no more posts, I'll sit on my hands for a while...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Jelly, your post was touching but a little heartbreaking. You are SO worthy, sweetie. None of us gain that by how we look or how we speak, it's what's in our hearts that counts. And you've got that in spades.
Plus, as far as I know, Zues has no idea what any of us look like. But somehow I just know you are beautiful, both inside and out.
I keep rereading your post. I've noticed a couple of things you've said that didn't connect the first time.
I get that I've said things that make you feel you don't measure up to my standards.
You also mention not feeling you measure up to others strong, beautiful, and intellectual discussions.
Let's see. I'm supposed to have learned how to validate. But I'm struggling. All I can say is I understand you feel that way. It is surprising to me because I've never felt disappointed in who you are or how you've conducted yourself, and I have always found your posts strong and intellectual which is why they make me think long enough to reply three times. As for beautiful, well, all I have to compare is your screen name, and JellyB is as good looking as any I've seen (nice 'double l' you've got going on!).
I am not dismissing your feelings, just wanted you to know the light I see you in. Frankly if there are things I've said that you'd measure up poorly against, it's probably because I was out of line. When I contrast the odds that I just got carried away versus that you are a bad person I find that it's much more likely that I got carried away!
OK, no more posts, I'll sit on my hands for a while...
Zues keep posting to Jellyb. She deserves that, please reach out.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Let the rain clouds come, create a haven for yourself. Go read, post, put your records on, sit and journal.
There is enormous secret that I found out, this is your subconscious mind sorting itself, retiring adjusting to the new. It brings great change and will unstick you.
As long as you face the pain and work with it, this is a period of enormous change, much is unfamiliar. The work you have done has stirred the memories, your mind is cleansing and you are growing and developing. I sense it and read it.
It is going to be unfamiliar to your conscious mind and hence you sense an overwhelm, what is happening is your spirit is finding its voice. Sweet sadness is becoming and she feels afraid. Tell her it's going to be ok, you love and care for her, that this growth and openness is the anthesis of lonely. I believe this and find this is an advanced step in the twelve step program, it is the step before atonement, a step of great healing when all of the work is coming together. A step where the great gifts are open to flow, when the spirit releases and becomes ready to act and move forward.
Thoughts are just that, they are not real, they do not have to be believed. Much of it is the critics naysaying wanting the comfort zone. Big changes are here, let the magic begin, you are ready I think so. --------------------------------------------------- Here is Plain Vanillas letter to Sweet Sadness.
Dear brave sweet sadness,
I can see you are afraid and think you are lonely and isolated. This is causing you to be worried and create feelings of concern.
I know this and thank you for telling Jellyb in your own special way about your concerns. Jelly needs you in her life, she is blessed for having you, you are one of her greatest advisers. You warn her that there is more work to do. I do this all the time for V, it is one of my important roles for her.
Jelly takes great care to listen to your guidance. Rest easy the work that Jelly is doing is to grow, to be open to heal, so there is sunlight and peace not rainstorms and clouds.
She loves you very much and as a result is working her pain and yours to be open to love from all sources. She is beginning to love herself so there need never be loneliness again. Being alone is not being lonely, dear sweetness whilst you and Jelly are healing and loving each other you may be alone but you are alone together.
Rest easy, it will be ok.
Love
Plain Vanilla --------------------------------- Much love and peace today
V
Know how far you have come since then.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I hope this means you are posting again. I missed you on these forums. I like this medium because it allows me to read and absorb and take a little time with my responses.
I have lots to catch up on. But you know I have a major girl crush on you and I love any chance to engage and reflect upon your opinions and thoughts.
Anyway, I know you as a warm, funny, lively and eccentric person and your post reminded me of a movie I really think you would enjoy (if you have not seen it allready).
It's called Human Nature. It's a charlie Kaufman film and absolutely hysterical. The protagonist is this very passionate, soulful, and sexual woman played by Patricia Arquette. She longs for love and approval but has this condition which causes her to grow excessive hair all over her body...in a very animalistic/primal way. She ends up settling for and constantly trying to please this uptight guy, played by Tim Robbins who has severe mommy issues and his life long mission is to teach mice proper table manners. (Funniest line is she take him hiking and he's afraid of ticks) the ending is pretty funny and outrageous and harshly realistic too regarding who all the men actually end up going for!! I highly recommend it. I think we share similar senses of humor and this kind of reminds me of both of our past relationships. (For the record I do not have a body hair issues)
See, you never have to worry about intellectual conversation with me! : )
But what i really wanted to say is that, I think it's so important not to allow the feelings or beliefs of others to censor what we do or what we say. Because there is so much that our " human failings " offer... Respectful Debate, reflection, insight, personal growth. And we should never give that type of power to someone else.
I am always drawn to people that have the courage to say and do what they think and want to, regardless of how others will take it. I trust that honesty more then politeness or political correctness. You are very open about your feelings and zues about his opinions.
I actually wish I had the courage to be that way more often and I think its something I have to work on... The not caring if I am liked. I actually find it harder to be like that with other females then With men.
Regarding zues... I could be wrong, but on these forums he reminds me of an old track coach. Someone that calls you out when he sees that your holding back during a race, but always supportive once the race is finished.
I keep rereading your post. I've noticed a couple of things you've said that didn't connect the first time.
I get that I've said things that make you feel you don't measure up to my standards.
You also mention not feeling you measure up to others strong, beautiful, and intellectual discussions.
Let's see. I'm supposed to have learned how to validate. But I'm struggling. All I can say is I understand you feel that way. It is surprising to me because I've never felt disappointed in who you are or how you've conducted yourself, and I have always found your posts strong and intellectual which is why they make me think long enough to reply three times. As for beautiful, well, all I have to compare is your screen name, and JellyB is as good looking as any I've seen (nice 'double l' you've got going on!).
I am not dismissing your feelings, just wanted you to know the light I see you in. Frankly if there are things I've said that you'd measure up poorly against, it's probably because I was out of line. When I contrast the odds that I just got carried away versus that you are a bad person I find that it's much more likely that I got carried away!
OK, no more posts, I'll sit on my hands for a while...
Zues, give me some time to formulate my ideas and sense of self around our reent exchange. I feel like I have hit you over the head with a mallet, and the guilt is a little too overwhelming to really reply without emotion.
I will give you an update on the Life and Times of JellyB.
Let the rain clouds come, create a haven for yourself. Go read, post, put your records on, sit and journal.
There is enormous secret that I found out, this is your subconscious mind sorting itself, retiring adjusting to the new. It brings great change and will unstick you.
As long as you face the pain and work with it, this is a period of enormous change, much is unfamiliar. The work you have done has stirred the memories, your mind is cleansing and you are growing and developing. I sense it and read it.
It is going to be unfamiliar to your conscious mind and hence you sense an overwhelm, what is happening is your spirit is finding its voice. Sweet sadness is becoming and she feels afraid. Tell her it's going to be ok, you love and care for her, that this growth and openness is the anthesis of lonely. I believe this and find this is an advanced step in the twelve step program, it is the step before atonement, a step of great healing when all of the work is coming together. A step where the great gifts are open to flow, when the spirit releases and becomes ready to act and move forward.
Thoughts are just that, they are not real, they do not have to be believed. Much of it is the critics naysaying wanting the comfort zone. Big changes are here, let the magic begin, you are ready I think so. --------------------------------------------------- Here is Plain Vanillas letter to Sweet Sadness.
Dear brave sweet sadness,
I can see you are afraid and think you are lonely and isolated. This is causing you to be worried and create feelings of concern.
I know this and thank you for telling Jellyb in your own special way about your concerns. Jelly needs you in her life, she is blessed for having you, you are one of her greatest advisers. You warn her that there is more work to do. I do this all the time for V, it is one of my important roles for her.
Jelly takes great care to listen to your guidance. Rest easy the work that Jelly is doing is to grow, to be open to heal, so there is sunlight and peace not rainstorms and clouds.
She loves you very much and as a result is working her pain and yours to be open to love from all sources. She is beginning to love herself so there need never be loneliness again. Being alone is not being lonely, dear sweetness whilst you and Jelly are healing and loving each other you may be alone but you are alone together.
Rest easy, it will be ok.
Love
Plain Vanilla --------------------------------- Much love and peace today
V
Know how far you have come since then.
V
I remember V, I remember everything. Your naming of sweet sadness was a revalation. She has come to so much healing all in finding a name.
Jelly, your post was touching but a little heartbreaking. You are SO worthy, sweetie. None of us gain that by how we look or how we speak, it's what's in our hearts that counts. And you've got that in spades.
Plus, as far as I know, Zues has no idea what any of us look like. But somehow I just know you are beautiful, both inside and out.
Thanks Sunny! I'm learning my worth Sunny, some days I'm better at owning it than others.
You can't have a name like Sunny and not be beautiful, and indeed you live upto your name.
I keep rereading your post. I've noticed a couple of things you've said that didn't connect the first time.
I get that I've said things that make you feel you don't measure up to my standards.
You also mention not feeling you measure up to others strong, beautiful, and intellectual discussions.
Let's see. I'm supposed to have learned how to validate. But I'm struggling. All I can say is I understand you feel that way. It is surprising to me because I've never felt disappointed in who you are or how you've conducted yourself, and I have always found your posts strong and intellectual which is why they make me think long enough to reply three times. As for beautiful, well, all I have to compare is your screen name, and JellyB is as good looking as any I've seen (nice 'double l' you've got going on!).
I am not dismissing your feelings, just wanted you to know the light I see you in. Frankly if there are things I've said that you'd measure up poorly against, it's probably because I was out of line. When I contrast the odds that I just got carried away versus that you are a bad person I find that it's much more likely that I got carried away!
OK, no more posts, I'll sit on my hands for a while...
Zues, give me some time to formulate my ideas and sense of self around our reent exchange. I feel like I have hit you over the head with a mallet, and the guilt is a little too overwhelming to really reply without emotion.
I will give you an update on the Life and Times of JellyB.
If you are still talking to me.
JellyBxxx
You have the most gentle mallet in the world JB. It's all good. Keep posting, I'm still rereading your posts as well.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I hope this means you are posting again. I missed you on these forums. I like this medium because it allows me to read and absorb and take a little time with my responses.
I have lots to catch up on. But you know I have a major girl crush on you and I love any chance to engage and reflect upon your opinions and thoughts.
Anyway, I know you as a warm, funny, lively and eccentric person and your post reminded me of a movie I really think you would enjoy (if you have not seen it allready).
It's called Human Nature. It's a charlie Kaufman film and absolutely hysterical. The protagonist is this very passionate, soulful, and sexual woman played by Patricia Arquette. She longs for love and approval but has this condition which causes her to grow excessive hair all over her body...in a very animalistic/primal way. She ends up settling for and constantly trying to please this uptight guy, played by Tim Robbins who has severe mommy issues and his life long mission is to teach mice proper table manners. (Funniest line is she take him hiking and he's afraid of ticks) the ending is pretty funny and outrageous and harshly realistic too regarding who all the men actually end up going for!! I highly recommend it. I think we share similar senses of humor and this kind of reminds me of both of our past relationships. (For the record I do not have a body hair issues)
See, you never have to worry about intellectual conversation with me! : )
But what i really wanted to say is that, I think it's so important not to allow the feelings or beliefs of others to censor what we do or what we say. Because there is so much that our " human failings " offer... Respectful Debate, reflection, insight, personal growth. And we should never give that type of power to someone else.
I am always drawn to people that have the courage to say and do what they think and want to, regardless of how others will take it. I trust that honesty more then politeness or political correctness. You are very open about your feelings and zues about his opinions.
I actually wish I had the courage to be that way more often and I think its something I have to work on... The not caring if I am liked. I actually find it harder to be like that with other females then With men.
Regarding zues... I could be wrong, but on these forums he reminds me of an old track coach. Someone that calls you out when he sees that your holding back during a race, but always supportive once the race is finished.
My lovely JujuB,
I not really sure I am back or posting again. I can't not post to Zues when he drops by, But kinda wishing I hadn't. It feels like a pandora's box I can't close again. When will I ever learn to keep my mouth shut!
As for Charlie Kauhman I love his work, so I will see if I can find Human Nature and download it.
As for your comments about not letting other's influence me from not sharing myself. Well I don't really feel like I live in a world that is ready to here my very dogmatic emotive opinions. I would never think that anybody was entitled to them, or woiuld want them.
This is a long term battle, I find it incrediably hard to hold my ground when I feel or see myself as being inferior to someone else's skill, knowledge and ability to articulate themselves. This is something I have been working on for the last six months and I am still finding that I don't have the skills to hold my own.
I really struggle with people who are equally dogmatic, opinionated and passionate about their positions. I have come to find that my sense of self and esteem and worth gets tied up in their committment to their own position. It is easier for me to conceed or not say anything at all.
Most of this is my own arrogance and ego. Knowing I am right. (cheeky thinking, but to be honest true in some cases).
The other issue that I struggle with is people's readiness to see the barriers that are causing them pain and keeping them suck. Little Miss Fix-it and Little Miss Bossy want to take charge and show them the way. Again arrogance and ego. All Mine!
The other thing I don't manage very well and is bad habit I have is the comparison game I play. If I don't think I'm smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, rich enough, sane enough, generally enough I won't participate. I have felt like that alot on the board. I surprise myself everyday that I ever posted on this board in the first place.
So between taking things too personally, being too emotional, being too opinionated and too lacking in self esteem. I do wonder why I ever pop my head up out of my shell.
You know how I feel about you JujuB. I think you are remarkable! And I have thoroughly enjoyed our interactions and time together.
You are doing so well in you own situation, you have made amazing shift, and you have done so because you are constantly working on yourself and growing. Become more authentic my sweet JujuB, don't change because you are lovely just as you are!
Jellyb, my beautiful friend. What gives you the impression that you're not intellectual?
I read your posts to others and I think to myself: how does she make her advice come off so palatable and beautiful and touching?
Me, I know I can sound curt at times, despite my best intentions.
And you always give such sound advice. My beautiful friend, you are wise and kind. These are classic values that will never go out of style.
Jdks
One of the most beautiful women I know, inside and out and damn funny too!!
I miss you on the party bus!! But I see you have made a met a whole new set of party people here and they love and admire you as much as I do.
I feel aggressive in my post, like you a feel curt, and blunt and generally feel unkind. I would never had intention of hurting anyone's feelings and the possibility that I just might, is too much for me sometimes.
While I am kind and generally warm, I have terrible patience and issues with intolerance. I worry too often that these negative qualities trip out of my mouth. It's never my intention to hurt someone with what I am saying quite the opposite.
Maybe I am far too apologetic for my own good. Meh it's me. I wish there was some kind of financial points incentive on apologies I would be a millionaire and you and lovely Kid could come to NZ for a break from ex, the inlaws and she-devil.
Much love my friend - im still reading your sitch if not posting
I hope you never learn to keep your mouth shut. I really value your opinions regardless of how dogmatic or opinionated. In fact, I value them so much that I feel a real loss knowing that they are out there but not shared.
(On a side note, I like you for being so emotionally involved, passionate and opinionated and how capable you are of taking control when the opportunity arises. No one should ever estimate you as the shy wall flower. You are a very powerful woman)
Do you feel uncomfortable sharing because you are afraid of being judged? Or do you worry about hurting people's feelings or do you fear being unliked or "not nice"? I ask because, I worry about the latter (hurting feelings, not being nice) as well and I think it's what contributes to lack of authenticity. Does that come from the societal requirement to be the "good girl" ? Again, projecting myself onto you so just brainstorming.
I know you will never believe me if I tell you how beautiful and intelligent you are and how superior your wealth of emotional insight is. So I will say this instead. We all come from different backgrounds and we all have different experiences. Our thoughts and opinions all have value. And we all have something to bring to the table. What we have to offer may or may not be helpful to one, but has the potential to help another. There is so much to be said about the sharing and exchange of ideas.
At the very least this is a good place to practice those skills
I don't have much time to post, but I have been reading through his thread as you are so kind to post to mine.
It is so clearly evident that you are a kind, loving, HIGHLY intelligent and insightful woman. Clear as day.
You, however, have the same affliction I have, which I have been trying to overcome. You are tying to your self worth to how you believe others perceive you. May it be your ex, or whoever on the board. You are afraid you aren't being nice, or thoughtful. Youa re worried sooooo much about what others think, and clearly, people think highly of you.
Not everyone will agree with you in life, or even like you, but that doesn't define you. That isn't what makes you a good person or supplies your self worth.
You are an empath, just like me, taking on others feelings, feeling as if you might be the cause of them.
If you read my latest post, I realized digging so deep all the time and trying to improve, improve, improve has taken a toll on me. I will be the first to recognize and admit a fault and want to work on it, but doing that for so long, I never stopped and took the time to see the beauty in the work I have already done and just appreciate me for who I am in the moment.
Please take the time to appreciate who you are right now. Focus more on your positives than your self perceived shortcomings. Maybe we can both find some beauty there.
I hope you never learn to keep your mouth shut. I really value your opinions regardless of how dogmatic or opinionated. In fact, I value them so much that I feel a real loss knowing that they are out there but not shared.
(On a side note, I like you for being so emotionally involved, passionate and opinionated and how capable you are of taking control when the opportunity arises. No one should ever estimate you as the shy wall flower. You are a very powerful woman)
Do you feel uncomfortable sharing because you are afraid of being judged? Or do you worry about hurting people's feelings or do you fear being unliked or "not nice"? I ask because, I worry about the latter (hurting feelings, not being nice) as well and I think it's what contributes to lack of authenticity. Does that come from the societal requirement to be the "good girl" ? Again, projecting myself onto you so just brainstorming.
I know you will never believe me if I tell you how beautiful and intelligent you are and how superior your wealth of emotional insight is. So I will say this instead. We all come from different backgrounds and we all have different experiences. Our thoughts and opinions all have value. And we all have something to bring to the table. What we have to offer may or may not be helpful to one, but has the potential to help another. There is so much to be said about the sharing and exchange of ideas.
At the very least this is a good place to practice those skills
Hugs
J.
Hi JujuB,
Yes I have lots of the "good girl" and throw some Catholic girl guilt on top of that and you pretty much sum me up. I'm generally not too attached to it anymore, in fact what this board as taught is that generally I'm well liked and well respected and I could basically express my opinion and thoughts willy nilly if I wanted.
My time here on the board (about 13 months, although I lurked for about four months prior to that) tells me that feeling inadequate and insufficient have only ever been in my own head. I have much better handle of them now when they spill out and it's often when people are too close and they mean too much to me. For some reason I can't keep them as in check, as I usually would. I generally have no regard for people who's opinion matters little to me, in fact I am reported to be cold and aloof, which suits me fine.
Generally I find it a challenge to let people in and see the naked, raw JellyBxxx, so if a stranger or someone I have no respect for or no click with, and I am happy to move on and never experience a loss or hurt.
The feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency only occurs whose opinion matters to be most. Where I have invested in their regard of me. So I guess when I talk about wanting to be perceived as intelligent , beautiful, funny etc etc, it is only with those whom I value.
I'm am learning that with high levels of self judgement and lack of compassion, so to comes judging others and lacking compassion for them.
I'm not a bad person not by any stretch of the imagine. Could I be more enlightened absolutely, closer to a self that was created as devine, for sure. I am who I am right now however - flawed, loving, neurotic, passionate, emotional and living on the edge most days. But I have come to accept this about myself and as I long as I don't hurt others (by biggest fear right now - with this cornucopia of crazy), I will feel that I have made sufficient shift in life to be happy. I feel this is all I have ever really wanted for life. Is for my presence not to hurt people.
JB! I am so glad to have caught your post- you're back! I've missed you so! Actually, it looks like a lot of people have.
I can't imagine your presence ever hurting people, even if you are "reported to be cold and aloof" to those who you aren't clicking with. Cerebral? Introverted? I get that...I'm right there with you. H at one point called me "condescending". I then went on a bender of depression thinking of how many people might think that of me. At this point, I just try to be the best me I can be. It sounds like you are doing that,too. Learning to accept yourself and love yourself.
We lucky people that have gotten to meet you here get to see your beautiful, loving, intelligent, passionate self as you write, question, advise, and philosophize. You are an amazing woman, JB. I'm glad you are starting to be happy.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I don't have much time to post, but I have been reading through his thread as you are so kind to post to mine.
It is so clearly evident that you are a kind, loving, HIGHLY intelligent and insightful woman. Clear as day.
You, however, have the same affliction I have, which I have been trying to overcome. You are tying to your self worth to how you believe others perceive you. May it be your ex, or whoever on the board. You are afraid you aren't being nice, or thoughtful. Youa re worried sooooo much about what others think, and clearly, people think highly of you.
Not everyone will agree with you in life, or even like you, but that doesn't define you. That isn't what makes you a good person or supplies your self worth.
You are an empath, just like me, taking on others feelings, feeling as if you might be the cause of them.
If you read my latest post, I realized digging so deep all the time and trying to improve, improve, improve has taken a toll on me. I will be the first to recognize and admit a fault and want to work on it, but doing that for so long, I never stopped and took the time to see the beauty in the work I have already done and just appreciate me for who I am in the moment.
Please take the time to appreciate who you are right now. Focus more on your positives than your self perceived shortcomings. Maybe we can both find some beauty there.
Hi Ginger,
I have read many of your posts on many threads and I have always valued your wisdom and kind heart.
When I read your recent posts on your threads this week, I felt compelled to connect with you. When I read you were an ICU nurse prior to having to juggle the consequences BD and D, I knew immediately what speaks to me about you and I feel I have sense of what touches you about life and love. I have had a number of friends who have worked in your field and mostly peds...WOW Ginger.
You feel so familiar to me as a person, I think as someone I would likely want to know more about, but also I see myself in you, the empath, the in in between girl, girl in recovery from attempting to fix herself too much. I have moved in and out of those roles, titles and prisons over a lifetime.
I love the title of your thread Ginger, it is time for Peace. For both of us.
Thank you for stopping by my place Ginger, I so appreciate it.
JB! I am so glad to have caught your post- you're back! I've missed you so! Actually, it looks like a lot of people have.
I can't imagine your presence ever hurting people, even if you are "reported to be cold and aloof" to those who you aren't clicking with. Cerebral? Introverted? I get that...I'm right there with you. H at one point called me "condescending". I then went on a bender of depression thinking of how many people might think that of me. At this point, I just try to be the best me I can be. It sounds like you are doing that,too. Learning to accept yourself and love yourself.
We lucky people that have gotten to meet you here get to see your beautiful, loving, intelligent, passionate self as you write, question, advise, and philosophize. You are an amazing woman, JB. I'm glad you are starting to be happy.
Lovely Cil,
I haven't been far away, I read you threads always. You are in great hands in MLC, they are amazing there and I see you offering so much of yourself to others here and your wisdom is so spot on and given with such grace and kindness.
I'm becoming more and more comfortable with my introverted ways and finding myself more and attracted to introverts in my friendships. For a long time I surrounded myself with extroverts in the hope that my awkward ways would go unnoticed. I'm finding that while I used to me painfully shy, and I can be social and engaging without having to be the life of the party. Too many big personalities always shut me down, but I no longer take that to mean that I don't fit in. Learning to trust people more due to my time here on the board has created shift I never knew was possible.
You know I think you're amazing, if and when I am back in the US, maybe November time 2016, maybe there is a chance of catching up. If you think that is something you might like find Zelda New, look for the Hobbit, on the one and only social media phenomenon we have call come to love to hate. She knows how to find me.
You have been missed by many! I hope you are doing well!
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Just wanted to say I loved your response to me. It came across as a post from a confident and strong woman. You know, the type of woman that goes to work everyday to fight for people that might not always have a voice, or the type of woman that can literally take complete control of an uncomfortable social situation, or the type of woman that actually notices and stops to ask a crying stranger if she is ok?
I am glad you know your worth.
I relate to good girl issues. Thin skins around people you value, and the fear/guilt of hurting others. And of course the neurosis. (Which I'm coming to love)
I relate to thoughts being thought due to moods and feelings as well. Women are complex, aren't we?
And some have more knowledge and experience than others.
The key to this is to know your field.
For example those who are here for 6 months will know more than a raw newbie.
So there are fields you know and there are fields you know less and want to learn. That's data and knowledge. Using this through experience is wisdom.
So there are areas you have data, areas you have information, there are areas of expertise and areas of wisdom. And areas of empty space.
Then there is opinion, your views. Your views are your views. Equal to others in every way. They are worthy of respect even if every one else disagrees.
Date or not date? Friends with the opposite sex yes or no?
Views.
You also have the right and the obligation to argue your view and to change it,or to stay silent. Up to you, your choice.
So let me give you some of my unpopular views:
MLC does not exist, waywards are not ill they are chosing to be wayward Piecing is a long drawn out process get on with your life instead It's ok to date if you are formally S and ready Walk away from an abuser DB is for you Men and women can be friends Sometimes exposing an A is a good thing Snooping for Intel is fine Fathers can be better parents than mothers Abuse is abuse, call it and record it Be self centered
Some of these I have data, others info, some expertise and in others a little taste of wisdom. I also have a slightly soft new age,12 step, higher power approach to life. Rather laid back on occasion. Sometimes I miss the obvious.
I have views, arguing against these isn't invalidating V, it's just arguing against my views. Some of which may change next week.
As long as you are authentic, then it's ok. I learned this when I felt I was under attack by another here, fearing that those I posted too would be heavily criticised.
I learned from that,and it was a close call.
If others put you down that's their issue not yours. Even if your view is that the earth is flat and that grass is blue and the ocean green.
You are not your views.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
One for the road... here's a very brief update from JellyB...
Mr Ex: Well have heard nothing from Mr Ex since April 2015. Since a very threatening messenge advising that if I made any further contact with his daughter he would make a compliant to my work place and possibly to my registration board (I work with children). He is now very well established in his relationship with the woman he met three months after we separated. I anticipate by the fact that they have now purchased a business together - his dream business that she is likely the love of his life. I wish him well.
Mr M: Ex number one has now entirely taken a step back out of my life after a very recent calling out of him, about his wanting to keep our friendship and contact a secret from his new partner. I feel the loss of his friendship, but I couldn't be a secret and it is good to know that he at least has developed some maturity and commitment to his new partner to remain somewhat honest in not contacting me anymore. He did not ever give me the same courtsey.
Weight: For those that know my situation, you will be fully aware of the struggle I have experienced with my weight and body image and how this has impacted on my relationships with partners and my sense of self and feelings of worthiness of love. You may recall I had battled for many months, regarding further invasive weight loss surgery to lose the last of this weight, or just go straight to plastic surgery to remove the excess skin I have.
I made the decision at the end of April that further invasive weight loss surgery well, frankly the personal and financial cost was likely going to be too high. I made the decision to make a last ditch effort to lose the weight on my own with the assistance of a naturopath. The treatment plan involves gluten free, dairy free, alcohol, coffee and chocolate free food plan. It also involves a supplementation programme (exspensive!!!). The first phase (8 weeks) is balancing my body to with minerals and vitamins and to reduce inflammation and improve gut health. The second phase (7 weeks) detox of my body, liver and kidneys, third phase actual weight loss.
So I am eight weeks free of all of the above. I am frustrated by no weight loss. My Naturopath did not like me expressing my frustration at the lack of weight loss and wanting to move to the weight loss phase directly (he said I could if I wanted to, on our first discussion of the treatment plan). He then fired me as client. I am seeing a new Naturopath next week aarrgghhh starting over!!
Depression: This still comes and goes and June was hard month. I would like to be like some here where the depression and anxiety disappear, but I have come to realise that this is just my thing, and I will likely have to manage it for a lifetime. I still feel the "crazy" stigma. The Ex's response to my depression will sit with me for a long time. The fact that it is ok to abandon someone you supposedly love while they are in the middle of mental health breakdown, will never leave me. It makes me feel vulnerable.
My mother: In June my mother was diagnosed with Lymphoma. She is my rock and has been my person more times than I can count, so the possiblity of losing her was pretty daunting. My mother has however maintained an amazing attitude and with a lot of black humour we have gotten through. My mum is due to have her first chemo treatment next week.
The Work: Since the beginning of the year, I have slowly taken a step back on working on myself, on fixing all the things I thought were broken or are broken about me. Something in me just felt it was time to consolidate and give myself some time to take a few leaps of faith to move forward and to let myself feel the possiblity that maybe some change could stick.
The depression I experienced in mid to late 2014, left my feeling suicidal, with BD and the separation from Mr Ex, my confidence had been left in tatters. I had developed some pretty serious social anxiety about meeting new people and doing new things. GAL wasn't happening at all. And GAL as we know if an ABSOLUTE for freeing ourselves from the pain of BD and impending D. I was stuck and didn't know how to fix it.
So in March being completly fed up with myself and feeling like the social anxiety was ruling my life, I made a decision to take a leap of faith and threw myself in the deep end of the social pool.
I booked a trip to the US and visited a number of places and met some amazing people, who I now consider friends. The trip was everything I needed it to be and more. I have found a little nugget of my self confidence. There is still a ways to go, but I am beginning to feel like myself again. The best verison of myself.
Dating/Relationships: As some of you know I made a committment to myself that I would not date for 12 months after bomb drop. I needed to get well from my depression and there was much work to do (FOO issues & Body Image issues primarily). Well I made it 9 months, I dated on and off between July 2015 to January 2016. I met one person I thought was someone I thought I could have a relationship with, appears he didn't think the same of me. "Too sweet" and "too kind" apparently. We remain friends and he has been a great coffee, and movie companion and a great dinner date if I want to have a glam night out on the town.
I am 44 now, and I want to say that as a girl who did not start her dating life until she was 29, and her first relationship at 35 and has more experience dating than being a relationship.
Please don't take dating too seriously.
It can play with your head and heart, but once you figure out that your esteem doesn't have to be attached to someone's desire to meet you for coffee or ask you out again, it gets so much easier. When your esteem and confidence does take a knock, don't keep dating, take a time out to recoup your confidence and go back in when your ready.
Also not every person you meet is going to be relationship material and not every relationship is going to lead to something long term. But it is good experience for learning the places you still have vulnerablities and where growth still needs to happen. Take that for yourself. Go easy on yourself, it's supposed to be fun getting to know another human being.
As for me, I have met someone incredibly special. More special than I really know what to do with. My insercurities are a constant, but he seems to take them in his stride. I am fortunate in that he has been on a personal journey himself for a number of years and understands the power of honesty, vulnerablitiy and communication within a relationship. We are finding our way. Me particularly. There are at times a lot of minefields for me, regarding how he views my body, fears about trusting that he won't disappear when he finds out I'm crazy. He tells me I'm not crazy, he says he likes my kind of quirky and wouldn't want it any other way. He wants me just as I am. Who knew!
So many of the people who came to the board when I did have moved on and I miss them. There are few familiar names and I continue to follow you and lurk even though I may not post to you. I don't post because I don't feel I could bring anything that you are not currently recieving from wiser posters. I do however have so many wishes for you life and your happiness.
Zues and V if you are reading, you taught me a lot in the month of June. Much love always my friend. xxx
Jelly, I'm proud of you. We all have a cross to bear and I know yours is a heavy burden at times. But again, you do what you can. You put one foot in front of the other, you make the best decisions you can, and you live with knowing you've done your best. Sometimes that means digging deep for change. Sometimes that means accepting your limitations. But it's always well thought out and genuine. Those are traits of the highest order.
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I'm glad you get to spend some quality time with her now. One thing I've tried hard to do is not let some of the adversity we're dealing with distract me from the time with my family. It is far too short. I am so glad in the midst of this you are able to be there with her. I am hoping you have more time ahead. If it would help you to share, I'd love to hear a good story about you and your mom that would tell us a bit about your relationship.
Way to snag a fellah! More than anyone I think I can relate to being a bit skittish, so I'm glad you're handling that as well. As for being crazy, that might be your best quality JB. Being crazy is like being a witch. You can be a good witch or a bad witch. Your crazy isn't a broomstick crazy, it's more of a gradually growing pink bubble turning into a pink dress and wand crazy. So don't lose that.
I can't believe your body is so resistant to losing weight. That's really brutal. You've moved mountains and I could see why you'd feel discouraged, but your determination is unbelievable. Hopefully this next person can help, but no matter how hard it is I wouldn't want to bet against you. In any case, you're obviously doing everything you can, and that's what you can do.
This reply seems so trite. It's kind of sad in some ways...like going from being friends with someone and talking every day, to getting to the point where you sum up 2 year blocks of your life in five minutes. You touch on the life changing events, but leave out the daily laughs, struggles, and triumphs. Your audience says "congratulations", then "oh no", then "good to catch up", but it seems like a weak echo of when you'd actually walk the road of life together. But while that's sad in some ways, the roots are deep. I may not know the last movie you watched, or your last tough day at work, but that's not necessary. I know you're out there being JB, and that is all I need to know. I appreciate the updates and hope the next leg of your journey is something to write home (to DB forums) about!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Just needing to put some stuff down and walk away from it, if you all don't mind.
I am hormonal and a little (well maybe a squidge more than a little) all over the place and often the works of my internal landscape tend to explode externally in these times. I try to control it, keep it in check, but for the life of me, it comes spilling out and all over. I hate for myself for it because it is sad and ugly and hurts the people and a particular person (My Special Someone- Mr S).
I knew that being with someone new would bring all the joys and intimacies that had been missing over the course of grieving my last relationship with Mr Ex. And it has tenfold and more. More than I could have anticipated even. I am different, I am better, less broken in so many ways. Yes it is coming, there is a BUT, there are still some fundamental broken pieces that for the life of me I can't seem to get past.
So I am obviously with a man, who I feel amazing emotional safety with. I feel safe to express my anger, sweet sadness and even little miss bossy and little miss crazy with. And know he will love me regardless and not leave me. But the emotional overwhelm that happens after truly expressing these shadow parts of my personality and psyche, creates angst for both of us.
I think ( and would be happy for people's opinion's on this) that I haven't quite cultivated a way to manage the intimacy and expressed love and care that comes to me from him when he listens, supports, apologizes, and loves me.
I have observed of myself that I get triggered into a high level of emotional drama, which is so unwarranted and frustrating and surprising. I had my need met why the drama.
I remember reading a book by Patricia Allen and she used an example of young woman who always ended up escalating to crying and upset every time she asked her partner to meet a need. I feel like this is what I am doing. Only I am able to initially express the emotional ''I feel disappointed that we didn't spend time together all week", and I can say " I would feel good, happy in fact if we could make more time this week'. And then he says " yes I have felt the same, lets do better this week". And then all hell breaks loose me for me.
Then I barrage him with " so this is what was triggered for me this week because of the lack of time together"....imagine 30 minute account of every emotion I experienced related to said issue - with me in emotional heightened state.
I think I have worked it out enough to know that the trigger is feelings of abandonment and not being prioritized. Neither which has occurred. Rationally I know, but little JellyB is triggered by this I know, spent a year in therapy getting to this, so know what is occurring and why. But why the externalised punishment to the man I love and why the high level of emotion and drama.
Is it punishment, or am I so relief to have someone available I trust and care for to soothe the emotional trigger, because the interaction doesn't soothe, it in fact makes me feels worse. Sometimes I think I talk to much about how I feel and that is the trigger to really crawling inside the feeling.
I acknowledge that right now, this behaviour presents only when I am hormonal or triggered to it by my depression by other life stressors. The rest of the time I am fine.
The other thing I have noticed, is that I am not so prone to triggering if he tells me in advance when time together isn't going to happen, I can go for days without seeing or talking to him. But I do need emotional reconnection to happen quickly when we reunite or I end up in high emotion, high drama.
All these behaviours, presence of high drama and emotion scare me. They are old ways of functioning in relationship for me, and while the unconscious need to engage in them may never leave me, I want to be able to contain them, tame them, so they don't ruin, what I think could be an amazing relationship with a wonderful man.
Help!!
JellyBxxx
PS I know I am taking more than I am giving to the DB board right now. Sorry.
I can relate to a bit of what you're saying. It was different for me, but I know I felt a overwhelming desire for physical closeness in my M, and it would be very difficult for me when I felt neglected. It would get to the point where it would be hard for me to be close again when the opportunity allowed because it didn't seem fair, like somehow I could be shoved in the corner to suffer for eternity, then when it's convenient for her we could get together. It didn't feel very good.
I've thought a lot about abandonment. One theory is that we act our worst to 'test the rope', and prove to ourselves that our partner would never leave. If we act our worse and they stay then we feel safer than if we try to be on our best behavior. Another theory is that we've abandoned ourselves somewhat, and that no one can ever make up for the fact that we feel inadequate, so we try to show our inadequacies and have them validated by a third party since we deep down don't approve. But those are tired old theories that I've beat to death and don't always have practical use.
One thought I have is whether you could go to counseling with him. Would he be open to it? I always wondered why people wait until everything is horrible. I've always thought it would be kind of romantic to have professional guidance on how to work better as a couple, to do so in a setting where both people want to make the relationship better, instead of when one is checked out or both feel the other person needs to change.
How is he handling all of this?
Finally, next post can you share some of the good stuff you do for him, and the things about you he loves, and the good things in your R? You talk as if you make a mountain out of a molehill at times and threaten to wreck a good R by letting small things derail you, and that you expand those feelings by giving them so much attention. But then you post only about the negative part of you and your R, when it sounds like it is really going positive overall. Maybe if you told us more of the positives the negatives would diminish naturally. Maybe that's wishful thinking, just throwing darts at the board. Plus I'd like to hear some of what's going well for you, so it can't hurt
Hang in JB, and thanks for being around always.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues has given you lot of sound advice and I have nothing much to add.
Could it be that like what Zues said, you're subconsciously trying to test him to see if he's the real deal?
Is there anything that he could do on the spot to make you feel better, so that you won't display your protest behaviours? Or do your frustrations need to run their course? Are there any other ways of venting your frustrations?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I am happy that you found a new R. Zues has made some good points. Maybe we when enter into a new R somehow the detachment hasn't completely left us.
To me it sounds like we will still need to DB through a new R to ensure that it is happy and healthy. It is ok to continue to take it slow because if the person you are with cares enough, they will be patient and wait.
I am not the best on advice but I hope that I am able to provide a POV you have not considered.
(((Jelly)))
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
This is ok you know. It's part of you, look how far you have come.
It requires managing and observing, just is.
Simply is ok to be authentic and honest about it.
We all have this stuff when our R fail it unnerves us, upsets our being and makes us wobble.
It's normal human emotion to say I feel very insecure and emotional. You can never deny your emotions and it's baffling to others if you do. This is bravery and shift to say so, movement forward. It's acceptance of self and knowing it just gets like that sometimes.
I recollect with H1 (who died) I used to say I need a hug now and that somehow just let me cry my wobbles away. With xWH he just use to say go sort it yourself and that was tougher and escalated the wobbles. So ask for what you need it's allowed. A great partner is one who validates that need and returns the favour, strikes me you have that in spades.
You are allowed to watch the wobbles go by, there goes another one. That's a wobble behind me now. Onwards.
I Internet give you permission to wobble. Truly I do.
It's fine.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Jelly, you are a beautiful, amazing person with a kind heart, wicked smarts, and so very much to offer any relationship. Please extend yourself the same sort of compassion and kindness you so generously bestow on everyone else.
Dating again is hard. It takes time and a compassionate partner to overwrite those negative scripts we internalized from past relationships. You aren't making mountains out of molehills...you are doing the very brave and difficult work of healing. It's scary to be open and vulnerable with someone new, because we never know if they are strong enough to stand with us or if they will leave. But if they leave because of your broken parts, they were never the person you needed to begin with.
We are all a mix of light and dark and brokenness and beauty. You have to give your new partner the chance to love you completely--not just the pretty parts. Because what is even scarier than the possibility of being hurt again is allowing fear to prevent us from experiencing love or emotional intimacy again at all. The worst has already happened--that's why all of us are here on this board. But we survived, and if worst came to worst, we'd survive again. Don't let the worst days of your life keep you from what might be the best.
Wow Annab, I'm super stoked you stopped by with your kind words. You are missed Annab, so very much missed, I hope life is treating you kindly.
Well it was a tough few days on the ledge. I think I am off the ledge and at least sitting on the windowsill admiring the view for a few moments.
In response to your question Zues, I could ask him for anything and if it was within his power to provide it to me I really believe that he would. So I feel I could ask him to attend counselling with me and he would likely say yes what time and where. Its a long story but due to lifestyle and circumstance us being in the same place and the same time is near on impossible. But even under the constraints of our being together if I asked I have no doubt he would make it happen.
As for what he loves about me. I don't think I really know. I guess that some of it is my emotional honesty, I'm completely transparent, I don't know how to play games, he knows exactly where he is with me at all times, even when I am acting like a crazy woman, I tell him its coming and what to be prepared for. I think that he possibly likes that I'm not scared to express my sexuality and that I am a big one for communicating how I feel about how he makes me feel, I'm a big verbal appreciator. I don't know what else.
How does he handle me and manage my mad moments?
He is a very patient and calm person, and has a strong sense of self, he is smart and knows that my outbursts are a reflection of my lack of self love and care and my internal conflict and not a statement or showing of my dissatisfaction with his love and care of me. He has his own vulnerabilities in some similar places to mine so has a knowing and understanding of me that I have not experienced previously with a partner. He doesn't take my emotional meltdowns personally, but doesn't minimize them either. He says I'm not as complicated and difficult as I think I am and holds a firm belief that we are only human, perfection is over-rated and anything can be overcome if you work on it as a team.
He is a good match for me. I wish I was better.
Anyway this week we get to be in the same place at the same time for a mini vacation together. We have been anticipating this for months.
Thank you so much for the sweet words, Jelly! I am around here and there. It has been a summer of big changes (all for the better), and I am so very happy.
So glad you and He are getting to have a visit together this week. Can't wait to hear how everything went. It sounds like you are very well matched, and it is definitely a blessing to have someone who can sit with your vulnerabilities and love you just the same. Rooting for you both all the way!
This week smothered me The details are not important, they are triggers and are lingering issues that continue to remain unresolved in my psyche and they bring me to this lonely dark place of pain again. The Shame comes from the fact that fully functioning adults - people not like me, don't feel this type of pain from a bad week, you normal folk don't get knocked on your arse from simple happenings. For not feeling normal, the shame comes, because I shouldn't feel so much and shouldn't need so much from normal people. And so I am left with the shame of feeling so much pain and then shame of not being normal. I am overwhelmed with pain and shame. I wish they would put me out of misery, wrap their hands around my throat and squeeze the life out of me rather than leave me suffering. But my torturers have a of number days in them yet. I know that eventually I will become numb to them and return to a more even state of mind and physical well being, but they will have their way with me in the mean time. Another episode to survive. Best to surrender. Best not fight. Roll over and play dead maybe? When I wake up from this session of playing the Pain Shame Game, how will life be? The same or will it have ruined everything that was good and pure. The past as shown me that nothing remains untouched or off limits. So I am scared of what the after effects of the war will be, as the sun rises over the battlefield. What will be left standing? I am anticipating an airy silence and that I will standing there alone, expected to rebuild again. Do I want to?
One of my favorite people in the world is hurting. And I can't do anything about it. Because I'm stuck on the other side of the world behind a screen and an intermittent Comcast signal. And she isn't asking for anything anyway because sometimes nothing can help. But I can't sit quietly and pretend I didn't hear her crying. So I will sit like an idiot staring at the screen for a while. Then run a few google searches on what to say before realizing that's quite possibly the stupidest idea I've ever had. And finally deciding that whatever I posted would be absurdly inadequate. So clearly there was nothing left but the counter ode. To shame myself with my embarrassing writing and clumsy expressions, and so join her company in spirit. I know that it's not the same, that my shame will leave and hers won't go so easily. But at least she knows that no matter what is lost there are people that care about her no matter how bottomless her needs are.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Sweet Jelly, the last thing you should do is compare yourself to another's experience. Firstly, there is no such thing as a "normal, fully functioning adult." We are all broken in our own ways. It's a part of being human. Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. I couldn't tell you the number of times I've heard someone tell me how well it seemed like I was handling my situation when I was inwardly shaking my head and thinking, "if you only knew." In fact, when I was at my worst, that's when I was least likely to show it. We are all much more alike than we are different, and there is no shame in the struggle. We all struggle. It looks different for each of us, but the experience is universal.
I wish there were words to lift you up out of your pain, but I know there are not. Sometimes pain just has to be allowed to move through you. But you are never alone, and your friends here (myself included) will always be here to sit with you and hold your hand until the pain passes.
Just a wee update..feeling alone and needing to share.
Just feeling a little overwhelmed with life and I know that its the time of year for everyone, where the year catches up and pressures to be prefect for the holidays and family ideals abound. This is always a tough time of year anyway, lots of triggers for the depression to catch hold of.
For the last six months my mum has been having chemo for Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. She is a strong woman, with a great attitude about death and dying. The chemo has done most of it's job, shrinking a mass just behind her stomach and completely obliterating cancer cells that in lymph nodes in her neck and chest. A scan however has shown the the mass behind her stomach still has high grade cancer cells at its heart and a three week, five days per round of radiation is required. My mum is trooper and will take this in her stride for sure.
This development has however pulled the plug on my Christmas and New Year Plans. I have been planning for the three months a three week Christmas break with my lovely man, who lives in another part of the planet. Our first Christmas together, and the opportunity to have a lengthy period of time together. Poof, gone in one doctors appointment.
I have no issue supporting my through this process, this will require me transporting her to and from appointments, working at the weekends and remaining in Auckland for the Christmas and New Year period. My mum has asked specifically for my help, telling me I am her only emotional support and she feels like a burden to my other sisters, but not to me.
I am wearing my disappointment and devastation about missing the holidays with my lovely man on the inside. My mother doesn't need to know this. I love my mum and would do anything for her, but I am resentful that my sisters are not more reliable people for my mother. I know there will be other holidays with my lovely man, and potentially not many more with my mum. The choice is an easy one.
I am not handling my emotions about all of this very well. And I think I have projected some of this emotional overwhelm onto my lovely man. I think I picked a fight with him last night just because I didn't know what to do with all that I am feeling. I feel very alone, unsupported and unloved. Complete over-reaction but it's how I am feeling.
My lovely man is overwhelmed by is own family issues at present and his attention is needed there. I am trying to be supportive and detached from personalising his lack of emotional availability, but I am struggling. I am seeing all of triggers and vulnerable places being exposed. We are both engaging in old patterns of behaviour in order to cope. I know this, but knowing this is not helping.
I have suggested that we take some time out to deal with our personal responses. It's not my usual go to, I'm usually a talker and want to talk everything, out, but he is emotionally overwhelmed and has nothing to give me right now, which triggers my feelings of abandonment and rejection. It is easier for me to expect nothing from him, than the very little he can give. I know this response is likely unhelpful. But I don't feel able to give him anything right now. My cup feels completely empty, and I kind of needed him to help me find some steady feet. It seems he can't and I have to find my own.
I can of course, of course I can, I've held myself up emotionally since childhood. The trigger to the feelings of constantly be responsible for myself and well being is just a little too much this week.
I'll bounce I know, this too will pass. i will have to remain focussed on the fact that my mum needs me right now and it is blessing to give to her.
Thanks for listening, I needed to put this down somewhere.
jelly, i am so sorry to hear about your mom's turn. she sounds like a fighter and sometimes that makes all the difference with these long term treatments.
my mom has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer, has since had a surgery to remove effectively half her lung and thwn went and declined further treatment.
the fact that your mom is willing to keep fighting is awesome. the fact that you are willing to help her is more than admirable. it is sad that sometimes when we chose to help others it does have a cost.
I was super excited to hear about your holiday plans and i am disappointed for you that you won't be able to travel. you hit the nail...there WILL be more chances to travel to be on this side of the world, but may not be more chances to spend time with your mum. I will be sending all the prayers and positive energy around the globe as I can spare.
as for the empty cup...please dont forget to spend time addressing that for yourself. caretaking is an enormously draining endeavor...you can't allow it to wear you completely out, right? please find an opportunity to spend some time treating yourself, caring for you!!! dont forget to make that effort to spend a few moments every day to focus on Jelly, to treat her like she deserves!
I lost my dad to cancer few years back. I fully empathize with you. Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Jelly, No real words of wisdom here but wanted you to know you were heard and offer some support.
To quote the often repeated axiom, when the plane is going down, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others. Take care of yourself, sweet Jelly. You cannot help mom or your prince charming when your own cup is empty. I know you will be there for your mom no matter what, and it's amazing the hidden strength we often find within ourselves when we have to.
There is also nothing wrong with stepping back from other relationships to regroup if that's what you need. A military spouse friend I know speaks of something she calls "riding the vows." Specifically, she's speaking to times of military deployment when spouses are separated and not able to interact and give to the marriage and support it's growth. In those times, she says you "ride your vows," i.e., when you can do nothing else, you trust the love and commitment of your relationship and know that when the hard times pass, your partner will still be there for you, just as you are for them. Take care of yourself and your mom, grieve for the change of plans, but love and trust in what you are building with your lovely man. There will be other Christmases...there are a lifetime of Christmases left that can be shared. A million other firsts waiting to happen. Let these challenges strengthen you and your love for each other rather than cause you to nitpick at the foundation of what you're creating together.
You will get through this, and we are here to support you all the way!
Last edited by Cadet; 12/01/1602:05 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Just feeling a little overwhelmed with life and I know that its the time of year for everyone, where the year catches up and pressures to be prefect for the holidays and family ideals abound.
You spelled perfect wrong.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
J, I'm really sorry to hear this news. What a bummer. I can see why you're fed up with your siblings, but I'm glad your mom has you in her life. She's a lucky mom, and whatever happens she's got to feel pretty good about her life when she knows she raised you.
I'm curious what you mean when you say your man is emotionally unavailable. This isn't some trick question where I'm circling around to make some point. I really just don't know and am curious. It's not like a man saying his woman is sexually unavailable, which is pretty easy to understand. But emotional unavailability is something I don't know that I ever really got, and it might mean something different to you. Does that mean him being available to listen to you talk about your days battles? Or to do something in real life to make your journey easier, like making dinner or something? Or just spending time together?
I dunno. The more posts I write on these forums the more convinced I am that I beat to a different drum. But for me, if I was in a relationship, I'd want to know SPECIFICALLY what I needed to do for my partner to feel 'emotionally satisfied'. Then, if that person was a bottomless pit that was impossible to satisfy as you sometimes reflect concerns you are, well, then I'd tell that person that I loved them, that I wish we weren't restricted by the limitations of our humanity and the demands of life so I could express that to the degree we both desire, but within the realm of what we have to work with I'll do what I can today, and if, due to extreme demands on me today I can't do much, I'd reassure them that it isn't that I don't care and that I can't wait until I get through my crisis so I could show how important they are to me.
I only say this because I know I have felt I am a bottomless pit at times and have always felt this is what would make it easier for me to accept boundaries and limitations instead of feeling like "If you loved me you'd..." I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I try with D6. She *ALWAYS* wants to play with me, and sometimes it gets overwhelming and irritating, but then I realize she needs me, so I make sure to not just say 'no' reflexively even when it can feel like it's a bottomless pit, and that I explain limitations to her in this way, and that most of all I make playing with her a priority so she knows I love her and she knows that it's ok to have needs and to express them and that she's worthy of having someone care for her.
I actually get the drawing back thing. Quite a bit I get that. It's easier to be distant than it is to be somewhat as close as you'd like to be feeling like you are being cast away as you try to reach out to close the gap with a hug. XW thought when I withdrew I was punishing her, that I was abusive, that I was controlling. But it didn't feel that way to me. It really felt like she was casting me away and I was just trying to not need her so much so her rejection didn't cut me up too bad.
No advice here JB, just wondering about these things, what you'd like from your man, if there's anything your man could do to make this easier for you if he legitimately couldn't give it to you right now, etc.
But know one thing. Your posts show that you have been the places I have been and see some of the same things I see. That could be a good thing, that could be bad news for you, but no matter what it's a fairly lonely road so it's nice to bump into someone on that path now and then. I'm not sure at times why I post on these forums. I must get something out of it but I can't figure out what. But if you trouble yourself to start a new thread I doubt I'll be able to pass it by without dropping a few lines.
Joke of the day: I had dinner with Gary Kasparov (former chess world champion) the other night. The table had a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt...
Last edited by Cadet; 12/02/1607:59 AM. Reason: bold
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Jelly, No real words of wisdom here but wanted you to know you were heard and offer some support.
To quote the often repeated axiom, when the plane is going down, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others. Take care of yourself, sweet Jelly. You cannot help mom or your prince charming when your own cup is empty. I know you will be there for your mom no matter what, and it's amazing the hidden strength we often find within ourselves when we have to.
There is also nothing wrong with stepping back from other relationships to regroup if that's what you need. A military spouse friend I know speaks of something she calls "riding the vows." Specifically, she's speaking to times of military deployment when spouses are separated and not able to interact and give to the marriage and support it's growth. In those times, she says you "ride your vows," i.e., when you can do nothing else, you trust the love and commitment of your relationship and know that when the hard times pass, your partner will still be there for you, just as you are for them. Take care of yourself and your mom, grieve for the change of plans, but love and trust in what you are building with your lovely man. There will be other Christmases...there are a lifetime of Christmases left that can be shared. A million other firsts waiting to happen. Let these challenges strengthen you and your love for each other rather than cause you to nitpick at the foundation of what you're creating together.
You will get through this, and we are here to support you all the way!
Annab,
You are always there when I need a kind and wise word. Thank you. You have the kindest spirit and I am grateful for the love and kindness you shine my way.
I have often compared my lovely man and mine's long distance relationship to that of a those in the military. Although I know for a fact we likely have an easier time of it, with Facetime every night for 1-2 hours and the cost of airfare anytime we can afford it.
You friends view and words supports my own. My lovely man and I have talked often of something similar to "riding the vows", as both of our previous partners had no ability or desire to ride the commitment and love of which you speak. We both want to offer each other that which we didnt get from our previous partners.
I want to be better this time round Annab. I want to be a better person and better partner. I want to have more faith in the relationship, that is has good bones and a good foundation. You are right I shouldn't nitpick at it, which is exactly what I am doing. I'm scared Annab, that I have either chosen wrong or that I am going to f**k this up.
I'm pushing him away and pulling him at the same time. The poor man is so confused. I am not being my best self, the best partner for him right now.
I find the exchanges of needs and wants challenging in a relationship. I remember reading somewhere that relationships are a not a "needs exchange" the are the exchange of love and support. If you are expecting to have your needs met, you are likely going to suffer in a relationship.
I know that I am more than capable of supporting myself through my mother's chemo, through the stress of juggling work and the other demands of my life. So then what exactly am I needing and wanting from my lovely man, that I can't provide for myself?
Do I want some obvious display from him that he understands my stress, my pain at the potential loss of my mum. Do I want him to tell me how devastated he is at the loss of an opportunity to spend time with me. (There are a couple of other complicating needs I have that are private to his life that I wish were resolved too - which challenge me) but I know he how I feel understands and I know that he feels as fruistrated and devastated as I do. So what exactly is it that I want? That I need?
No wonder he is confused. I am confused myself.
John Gray (Women are from Venus & Men are from Mars author) talks about the level of reassurance women need to feel supported, secure and safe in a relationship. I know it's ridculously old fashioned to need my lovely man to tell me, that I am not in this alone and that whatever I need right now, he's got my back. But for some reason I need to hear it, to feel it. And for some strange reason he isn't able to provide this to me right now. I'm not sure why.
I keep coming back to the words "acceptance and self reassurance". I can meet this need and want for myself. I need to accept that he is not in place that to be able to provide the reassurance and it;s ok for him not to be able to do so right now. I need and provide it to myself. I tell myself I am not alone, that I have my own back and I can get myself through this. I will be ok, me and my lovely man will be ok. I am strong, stronger than I feel and I look. There is nothing I need that I cannot provide myself.
I need to think myself out of this situation rather than feel myself out of it.
Thanks for the opportunity to reflect with your Annab. Maybe there will come a day I could offer you the same love and support.
This seems all or nothing to me, I either go for x or not at all. Go for y instead. Compromise on it. Why not?
This seems to me the normality of an R, in that this is ordinary stuff of R, not drama, destruction or over. It just is the pushared and pull of emotions driven by distance.
I sense your lovely man would prefer to hold your hand, give you a hug and just sit and be. That is comfort and empathy. Distance prevents it and thus that understanding has to be met through words. Please consider that words are often harder without contact.
Words often don't cut it sometimes. Acceptance of that which is is likely a support a way of saying without words, we can get through this. Please don't push until you get the response you need, ask Instead for that which you require. As it please tell me it will be ok.
I think that you should bite the bullet and make a visit, even if that is for the briefest glimpse of bliss and connection.
Those are my thoughis.
Your wonderful mum is in my prayers and thoughts today as always. Tell her I have another RIT story to cheer her and some lovely comfort rainbows.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
