One for the road....

[Vanilla]

Jellyb

This is ok you know. It's part of you, look how far you have come.

It requires managing and observing, just is.

Simply is ok to be authentic and honest about it.

We all have this stuff when our R fail it unnerves us, upsets our being and makes us wobble.

It's normal human emotion to say I feel very insecure and emotional. You can never deny your emotions and it's baffling to others if you do. This is bravery and shift to say so, movement forward. It's acceptance of self and knowing it just gets like that sometimes.

I recollect with H1 (who died) I used to say I need a hug now and that somehow just let me cry my wobbles away. With xWH he just use to say go sort it yourself and that was tougher and escalated the wobbles. So ask for what you need it's allowed. A great partner is one who validates that need and returns the favour, strikes me you have that in spades.

You are allowed to watch the wobbles go by, there goes another one. That's a wobble behind me now. Onwards.

I Internet give you permission to wobble. Truly I do.

It's fine.

V

[annab74]

Jelly, you are a beautiful, amazing person with a kind heart, wicked smarts, and so very much to offer any relationship. Please extend yourself the same sort of compassion and kindness you so generously bestow on everyone else.

Dating again is hard. It takes time and a compassionate partner to overwrite those negative scripts we internalized from past relationships. You aren't making mountains out of molehills...you are doing the very brave and difficult work of healing. It's scary to be open and vulnerable with someone new, because we never know if they are strong enough to stand with us or if they will leave. But if they leave because of your broken parts, they were never the person you needed to begin with.

We are all a mix of light and dark and brokenness and beauty. You have to give your new partner the chance to love you completely--not just the pretty parts. Because what is even scarier than the possibility of being hurt again is allowing fear to prevent us from experiencing love or emotional intimacy again at all. The worst has already happened--that's why all of us are here on this board. But we survived, and if worst came to worst, we'd survive again. Don't let the worst days of your life keep you from what might be the best.

P.S. Did I mention, you're amazing?

[JellyB]

Thank you Zues, Jksd, Jim and Lady V.

Wow Annab, I'm super stoked you stopped by with your kind words. You are missed Annab, so very much missed, I hope life is treating you kindly.

Well it was a tough few days on the ledge. I think I am off the ledge and at least sitting on the windowsill admiring the view for a few moments.

In response to your question Zues, I could ask him for anything and if it was within his power to provide it to me I really believe that he would. So I feel I could ask him to attend counselling with me and he would likely say yes what time and where. Its a long story but due to lifestyle and circumstance us being in the same place and the same time is near on impossible. But even under the constraints of our being together if I asked I have no doubt he would make it happen.

As for what he loves about me. I don't think I really know. I guess that some of it is my emotional honesty, I'm completely transparent, I don't know how to play games, he knows exactly where he is with me at all times, even when I am acting like a crazy woman, I tell him its coming and what to be prepared for. I think that he possibly likes that I'm not scared to express my sexuality and that I am a big one for communicating how I feel about how he makes me feel, I'm a big verbal appreciator. I don't know what else.

How does he handle me and manage my mad moments?

He is a very patient and calm person, and has a strong sense of self, he is smart and knows that my outbursts are a reflection of my lack of self love and care and my internal conflict and not a statement or showing of my dissatisfaction with his love and care of me. He has his own vulnerabilities in some similar places to mine so has a knowing and understanding of me that I have not experienced previously with a partner. He doesn't take my emotional meltdowns personally, but doesn't minimize them either. He says I'm not as complicated and difficult as I think I am and holds a firm belief that we are only human, perfection is over-rated and anything can be overcome if you work on it as a team.

He is a good match for me. I wish I was better.

Anyway this week we get to be in the same place at the same time for a mini vacation together. We have been anticipating this for months.

Much love to you all

JellyBxxx

[annab74]

Thank you so much for the sweet words, Jelly! I am around here and there. It has been a summer of big changes (all for the better), and I am so very happy.

So glad you and He are getting to have a visit together this week. Can't wait to hear how everything went. It sounds like you are very well matched, and it is definitely a blessing to have someone who can sit with your vulnerabilities and love you just the same. Rooting for you both all the way!

[JellyB]

An ode to Shame and Pain:

This week smothered me
The details are not important, they are triggers and are lingering issues that continue to remain unresolved in my psyche and they bring me to this lonely dark place of pain again.
The Shame comes from the fact that fully functioning adults - people not like me, don't feel this type of pain from a bad week, you normal folk don't get knocked on your arse from simple happenings.
For not feeling normal, the shame comes, because I shouldn't feel so much and shouldn't need so much from normal people.
And so I am left with the shame of feeling so much pain and then shame of not being normal.
I am overwhelmed with pain and shame. I wish they would put me out of misery, wrap their hands around my throat and squeeze the life out of me rather than leave me suffering.
But my torturers have a of number days in them yet.
I know that eventually I will become numb to them and return to a more even state of mind and physical well being, but they will have their way with me in the mean time.
Another episode to survive. Best to surrender. Best not fight. Roll over and play dead maybe?
When I wake up from this session of playing the Pain Shame Game, how will life be? The same or will it have ruined everything that was good and pure.
The past as shown me that nothing remains untouched or off limits.
So I am scared of what the after effects of the war will be, as the sun rises over the battlefield.
What will be left standing?
I am anticipating an airy silence and that I will standing there alone, expected to rebuild again.
Do I want to?

[Zues126]

An ode to helplessness.

One of my favorite people in the world is hurting.
And I can't do anything about it.
Because I'm stuck on the other side of the world behind a screen and an intermittent Comcast signal.
And she isn't asking for anything anyway because sometimes nothing can help.
But I can't sit quietly and pretend I didn't hear her crying.
So I will sit like an idiot staring at the screen for a while.
Then run a few google searches on what to say before realizing that's quite possibly the stupidest idea I've ever had.
And finally deciding that whatever I posted would be absurdly inadequate.
So clearly there was nothing left but the counter ode. To shame myself with my embarrassing writing and clumsy expressions, and so join her company in spirit.
I know that it's not the same, that my shame will leave and hers won't go so easily.
But at least she knows that no matter what is lost there are people that care about her no matter how bottomless her needs are.

[annab74]

Sweet Jelly, the last thing you should do is compare yourself to another's experience. Firstly, there is no such thing as a "normal, fully functioning adult." We are all broken in our own ways. It's a part of being human. Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. I couldn't tell you the number of times I've heard someone tell me how well it seemed like I was handling my situation when I was inwardly shaking my head and thinking, "if you only knew." In fact, when I was at my worst, that's when I was least likely to show it. We are all much more alike than we are different, and there is no shame in the struggle. We all struggle. It looks different for each of us, but the experience is universal.

I wish there were words to lift you up out of your pain, but I know there are not. Sometimes pain just has to be allowed to move through you. But you are never alone, and your friends here (myself included) will always be here to sit with you and hold your hand until the pain passes.

You know where to find me if you need to talk.

[JellyB]

Just a wee update..feeling alone and needing to share.

Just feeling a little overwhelmed with life and I know that its the time of year for everyone, where the year catches up and pressures to be prefect for the holidays and family ideals abound. This is always a tough time of year anyway, lots of triggers for the depression to catch hold of.

For the last six months my mum has been having chemo for Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. She is a strong woman, with a great attitude about death and dying. The chemo has done most of it's job, shrinking a mass just behind her stomach and completely obliterating cancer cells that in lymph nodes in her neck and chest. A scan however has shown the the mass behind her stomach still has high grade cancer cells at its heart and a three week, five days per round of radiation is required. My mum is trooper and will take this in her stride for sure.

This development has however pulled the plug on my Christmas and New Year Plans. I have been planning for the three months a three week Christmas break with my lovely man, who lives in another part of the planet. Our first Christmas together, and the opportunity to have a lengthy period of time together. Poof, gone in one doctors appointment.

I have no issue supporting my through this process, this will require me transporting her to and from appointments, working at the weekends and remaining in Auckland for the Christmas and New Year period. My mum has asked specifically for my help, telling me I am her only emotional support and she feels like a burden to my other sisters, but not to me.

I am wearing my disappointment and devastation about missing the holidays with my lovely man on the inside. My mother doesn't need to know this. I love my mum and would do anything for her, but I am resentful that my sisters are not more reliable people for my mother. I know there will be other holidays with my lovely man, and potentially not many more with my mum. The choice is an easy one.

I am not handling my emotions about all of this very well. And I think I have projected some of this emotional overwhelm onto my lovely man. I think I picked a fight with him last night just because I didn't know what to do with all that I am feeling. I feel very alone, unsupported and unloved. Complete over-reaction but it's how I am feeling.

My lovely man is overwhelmed by is own family issues at present and his attention is needed there. I am trying to be supportive and detached from personalising his lack of emotional availability, but I am struggling. I am seeing all of triggers and vulnerable places being exposed. We are both engaging in old patterns of behaviour in order to cope. I know this, but knowing this is not helping.

I have suggested that we take some time out to deal with our personal responses. It's not my usual go to, I'm usually a talker and want to talk everything, out, but he is emotionally overwhelmed and has nothing to give me right now, which triggers my feelings of abandonment and rejection. It is easier for me to expect nothing from him, than the very little he can give. I know this response is likely unhelpful. But I don't feel able to give him anything right now. My cup feels completely empty, and I kind of needed him to help me find some steady feet. It seems he can't and I have to find my own.

I can of course, of course I can, I've held myself up emotionally since childhood. The trigger to the feelings of constantly be responsible for myself and well being is just a little too much this week.

I'll bounce I know, this too will pass. i will have to remain focussed on the fact that my mum needs me right now and it is blessing to give to her.

Thanks for listening, I needed to put this down somewhere.

Much Love JellybXXX

[Zephyr]

jelly, i am so sorry to hear about your mom's turn. she sounds like a fighter and sometimes that makes all the difference with these long term treatments.

my mom has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer, has since had a surgery to remove effectively half her lung and thwn went and declined further treatment.

the fact that your mom is willing to keep fighting is awesome. the fact that you are willing to help her is more than admirable. it is sad that sometimes when we chose to help others it does have a cost.

I was super excited to hear about your holiday plans and i am disappointed for you that you won't be able to travel. you hit the nail...there WILL be more chances to travel to be on this side of the world, but may not be more chances to spend time with your mum. I will be sending all the prayers and positive energy around the globe as I can spare.

as for the empty cup...please dont forget to spend time addressing that for yourself. caretaking is an enormously draining endeavor...you can't allow it to wear you completely out, right? please find an opportunity to spend some time treating yourself, caring for you!!! dont forget to make that effort to spend a few moments every day to focus on Jelly, to treat her like she deserves!

((((Jelly))))

Mark

[roist]

I lost my dad to cancer few years back. I fully empathize with you. Best wishes