WW, My Addiction, Patience, and Hope - III

[trumpet]

I got hit with a 2 X 4 in my counseling session today.

I just so happened to be on Matthew 18 today as well.

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant.
I am the servant.
I have been given a new life - without porn. It changed the way I see the world, the way I see women, and how I see my wife.
My wife sees me for who I was for 15 years. Who could never really kick the habit.
My struggle to drop the hurt was because I chose to hide my bags, and pull them out when I needed them. Dropping my bags means complete detachment from the PA/EA/D.

My wife cannot stop my love. I can continue to talk her LL. Knowing my debt is paid, I can do what will restore my marriage without trying to negotiate a return on the investment. I already took a loan on the marriage when with my addiction. I must pay back that loan with interest to my wife. She did hold the secret for years.

So, how do I show love? By showing her I am moving on, moving to a happier me, willing to go the extra mile for the kids, showing her a husband only a fool would leave. But I really like getting the 'pats on the back', public and private praise. I'm a praise monster. It's what I kept coming back to - all the work, no praise, I bring up the hurt.

Who will I be doing the changes for? Me. For God.
Who have I done the changes for? Me, and for my wife. (partially wrong answer).

I cleaned up our bathroom today - the one only she uses now.
I fixed a light fixture that needed work.
I dusted all the cobwebs from the main level.
I made her bed (was ours, maybe ours someday)
I washed the D7's sheets
I made supper, cleaned up the main level, vaccuumed.

Why? Not to impress her - I would have told her I did all those things in the past. I did it because I love her. Does she love me? nope. Will she ever? Maybe.

All I can do is become the man she always wanted to be with. I made my committment 15 years ago. I'm a man of my word. Some days I hear the voices saying to give up. Not yet. Every day is new. Live for the next day.

[sandi2]

Is your LL acts of service? Before I had read that book and realized my H's LL was acts of service, it would not make me very happy whenever he did something that would ordinarily be considered my job. I had a negative attitude about it. I thought he either didn't think I was going to get around to doing it myself, or that he had an ulterior motive.

If your W still has a wayward heart, I don't believe she is going to welcome these acts of service the way she should. If anything, it will add lighter fluid to the charcoal. You say you do these things b/c you love her. Why can't you do other things b/c you love her? Why do you believe that doing servant-like jobs for her will attract her to you? Part of those jobs could be considered as doing it for the family (vacuuming, etc.), however, making her bed and cleaning her bathroom? Really? What was your true motive for doing it for her? Guilt, perhaps? I think, at the moment, to say you are doing these jobs for her just b/c you love her.....is kind of a cop out. No, you weren't trying to impress her, but you definitely were trying to give her a message.

[SciDad]

Trumpet,

How was your weekend? I'm curious how things are going and how the dynamics are with your W.

[trumpet]

Sandi,

Just trying to find things to do around the house - yes, the message is that I'm a different guy than the one I was a few months/years ago.

Did have a convo with wife - she has still done NC, but is still struggling with having to leave the 'love of her life'.

Started new job today. Busy, and tired. Will write more tomorrow.

Will update everyone tomorrow.

[SciDad]

Congrats on the new job!

And don't think about all that "love of her life" crap. It's all confused BS and you know it.

[G8r]

"Love of her life." Might need some pebto bismo to keep that down. Makes me want to puke. Hope the new job treats you well.

[trumpet]

Journaling.

Not much has changed on the homefront with wife for the last few days. To catch you up:

-Sunday we did have time together in the house. I have gotten MUCH better at just listening. Yeah me! What my wife is going through is withdrawls - plain and simple. Wife is mad at me, and the sitch, since her heart was with OM. She knows it was wrong. She knows the future together is the way to go. She just doesn't love me right NOW. More like hate. Most days she can talk with me, but doesn't like to look at me. She's scared of me. Scared? Yes. She feels like she can't trust me (snooping, porn addiction, lies in the past). Hurt that she can't talk with OM, getting her fix, so I'm the target of her anger. Doesn't feel safe, as in I haven't given her a level of safety in the marriage. The IC did let me know that if W did keep my porn secret for so many years, she held onto it, and it built resentment and bitterness. Didn't realize how holding onto that 'secret' was so damaging - I do now.
-W still doesn't know what is going to happen after the hold on the D... I think this is still her withdrawls. Still talks D once in a while, or giving up. Still seeing IC.
-I have continued to think of my W before myself - cleaning, helping out around the house, volunteering to take kids places, etc. Showing I care - again my W's LL is acts of service. Expectations are very high since father did almost everything for family.
-I have become much more comfortable with just ME and not having W as a support wall to lean on.
-Kids are not seeing any fighting, more of a normalized house, which is good
-W is starting conversations with me much more. Good morning/good night every day, but also starting to open up about work, what's on her mind.
-Wife still thinks I haven't forgiven her. It's her opinion, and it's not true. I did forgive, but still had hurt to work through. I'm to the point NOW that the hurt does not influence my actions or words to her 90% of the time. I do think the hurt has to come out, but there's enough pressure out of the tank that it won't 'blow' anymore. I can logically thikn before I shove my foot in my mouth. I see that I caused quite a bit of the bitterness before the PA/EA. It put her into a position that she had a choice to start the affairs. All my actions up to the PA/EA are mine, and caused great harm. I have to continue to learn how I can put my W first in the marriage.
-My wife still has bad days and throws me attitude and disrespect. I am willing to take the 'spew' and see it for what it is - a cry for me to stop my old ways (doing that), and help her (be like a sponge that can feel her pain, and understand where she's at).
-I started my new manager job and really think it's going to work out well. If it doesn't, I'm not all that worried - I can always go back to sales, but the fit is better than I expected. I am very confident that I would have failed as a manager 3 months ago - I have a very different, positive, team-oriented outlook now. I smile a lot more.

I really wish I could hug and kiss my wife. I wish I got words of affirmation from her. Will she ever want to put her heart and soul back into the marriage? Maybe. I have to continue to live 'as if' we're going to be individuals - how can I feel comfortable in my skin, but still be kind and caring, showing love through my words and actions, so that the bridge is always clear, and she can see the runway lights from a distance. It's up to her to land the plane.

The emotional/physical needs are still there, and somedays, like today when I'm off, are harder. In Christ, I find the strength and love that I was trying to find with the porn.

My wife, once she's through withdrawls, will have some choices. Will she see what happened for what it is - an EA? I hope so. She'll need to understand that we BOTH have needs that weren't met in our M, and that BOTH of us need to work on them. Couples counseling? I hope so, but W right now thinks it weird we have the same IC. I have some great ideas, but it will take her standing next to me to make them happen. I have to have faith that the fog will lift - it's still firmly around the W. My biggest worry is that my committment in the marriage will keep me in the M, but that my W will never learn to show me the love that I want from her. The vision of being unhappy in my marriage until my dying day isn't a great thought.

I had always thought that my wife, through her dominance, wanted an equal lead-dog role in the relationship. What I think she really wants is for me to lead, and for her to get a vote. That's safety to her - for her husband to lead, to possibly show love to her when she can't. I have to pray, and have faith, that as I continue to show my love of my wife through my words and actions, that one day she will come around, start to work at figuring out what would make me happy-ER (already content, just having a marriage partner who shows selfless love would be the cherry on top of the Sundae!), and doing some of those things. Until then, I need to continue to do a bit of mind-reading and trying to speak my wife's LL's.

So, I went from expecting lots from my wife, expecting sex, not getting my needs met, to using outside influences to get my 'fix', to now not using those influences, to not having expectations of my wife, and looking for happiness on my own. Is that what marriage is about? Nope. But it makes me a whole person right NOW. It puts me on a footing, a plateau, that allows for reconciliation.

Patience through perseverence. Realizing the road I'm on is MY road, and I'd love to have my wife on the same road, but if that doesn't happen, I can't control which direction she walks/sails.

I can start running this week - getting some off-the-shelf orthotics to help with my flat feet - it caused the calf strain and achilles tendonosis that I had - keeping better running form will stop the strain and tendonosis from flaring up. I'm really excited to lose the next 15 lbs. I'm hoping I can still get it gone in a month. We'll see!

[SciDad]

Trumpet,

This too must pass. We might not know where things are heading specifically, but I am amazed at the personal growth and strength you have demonstrated through this ordeal. I am envious of your open conversations with your wife and you inspire me to be as open with my wife. Continue to listen and give her space - this is what she needs now.

As for hugging and kissing your wife and getting words of affirmation from her - relax. Give her the chance to feel things for herself. As introspective as you are I suspect you might also be able to see when things shift for your wife. But continue to kind and caring to everyone in your life, without looking for validation from your wife. This is how I think you'll become comfortable in your skin, and I think this is how you will experience even more personal growth.

Keep the faith - there is greater meaning to what is happening to you. But you need to remain open (and vulnerable) to experience it.

[trumpet]

Been a couple days. Quick update.

Wife can have surface conversations with me, and I think that's about all she can muster. I'm not upset around her anymore. Stopped snooping around for the most part - a quick check on my facebook account shows that OM isn't a friend of W, so I'm pretty sure there's still NC.

D7 got sick, W stayed home, went into work last night - wasn't too happy that with my new job, I'm in the first week, and really didn't feel like calling in sick already. D7 did get better, so all the kids are off to school.

W continues to work out and lose weight - she's looking good. I think part of her healing will be her body image. With the improvements she's making, it can only help.

I'm still leaning towards my wife divorcing me in 2 months, when the hold on the D is done. I was a bit sad this morning being around her, but for the most part, I'm ok on my own.

I've been able to let go much better than I was. There are still moments that my heart wants a hug, a kiss, some tenderness - but those are less than they've been in 15 years. I love my wife, and show her that through actions, but could it be that I'm not IN LOVE with her?

Wife posted a worded piture on FB about missing the love of her life that came in her life and is now gone. Her heart is very much hurting. I can't do a thing for that.

My gut tells me it might take her all the way up to the end of the hold on the D to start to break free from the love of OM. Maybe longer. I'm in for a long slog.

[Squiggy]

Quick bit of advice. Unfollow your W on Facebook. It won't set off any alarms like if you unfriended her, but it will stop putting her WW images on your feed. Should help to clear your mind some.