Hope is not a Strategy- It looks done

[SciDad]

I'm going to echo some of what has already been said. An affair, whether EA of PA, is a symptom of dysfunction. Obsessing over what has or hasn't happened is not healthy, and I suspect you know that.

Instead of worrying about gathering evidence worry about addressing the issues in your relationship. But here's the key - don't do it only to win back your wife. Do it because, as you said, she woke you up to some of your issues. Now it's time to work on them. If not for this relationship for your next.

[Squiggy]

rich - Yep. S6 was placed right in the middle of the A.

Well said Si and Sci. SciDad is correct in stating that affairs are symptoms of dysfunction. Each person in the marriage contributed to it and has a part to play in the recovery.

That being said, what does busting the A gain you? Does it move your sitch forward to success? Is it a cheeseless tunnel at this point? Is it best to do nothing and focus on yourself?

In some cases it's the opportunity to lay down a firm boundary - "I will not live in an open marriage, and if you continue with your affair, then X will happen. Otherwise, if you end the A and come home, you will find that I am more than willing to work on any and all problems, including my own." I remember saying similar to that. In other cases, it may gain you nothing or make the situation worse.

The path you take is up to you, but I wouldn't choose without a clear head and from a place not based in emotion.

[Azzork]

Something you may want to consider is whether or not it will help the sitch move forward or not. Will confronting WAW about the A help establish boundaries and gain respect? Will it blow up in your face on speculation about phone numbers? Will it push the A further underground? These are all things to consider.

I agree with this.

What REALLY changes if she is an affair right now? - I think in some states it matters, and in some it doesnt.

What would happen if you assumed that she is and she is not?

[Mowgli]

Here's what happened in my sitch:

I was going crazy as well. My heart was telling me there was no possible way she would do that to me, but in my gut I knew the truth.

I was going crazy trying to figure out why things weren't getting better between us. I was working so hard on myself, she could see those changes but she couldn't open up to me because her needs were being filled by someone else.

When I finally had definitive conformation and absolute proof of the A, I felt a wide range of emotions. I was very upset, obviously, but it also gave me a sense of peace because I knew I wasn't crazy at that point.

Does that make sense?

It allowed for the power balance to even out in my case. It allowed me to not look at myself as a lesser than and it gave me the confidence that I needed to really truly fight to maintain my boundaries that I was setting.

Our gut instinct is rarely wrong..

this is what I did:

1) figured out who that person was, what he did, where he worked, and if he was married.

2) then I confronted W only when I had some very specific knowledge.

2a) I let her dig her own hole. I played it up like I knew way more than what she was telling me... she wanted to get it off her chest so bad, once the gates opened, I knew way more than wanted to know.

3) I didn't beat around the bush... I told her that I knew about her and OM... She denied it at first, but I just kept telling her that I knew and that I knew a lot more than what she's saying, and that I wasn't going to tell her how...

4) Probably the best thing I did was remain totally calm. It was difficult at first, but I didn't allow myself to get dragged into a fight. I remained calm.

5) After I had confirmed the A, I left the house and gave myself time to process the entire situation. like hours. I decided that there was nothing I had done that warranted being treated in that way. Not only was I being cheated on, I was being disrespected in my own home in front of my children.

I didn't feel guilty at all for asking her to leave about a month before (she ended up moving downstairs).

6) When I got home, I talked with W. She initially tried to put it back on me. I just told her that I was unhappy in the M too, but I didn't go and have an A (not said angrily, BTW, just staring facts).

I told her I was going to meet with a L the next day and try to figure out what my options are, but that for right now I was completely content with the current living arrangement.

-end-

I understand what people are saying about that knowledge being painful, but for me knowledge is power. It allowed me to take W off of the pedestal I'd put her on. I felt like it put us on even footing because I wasn't willing to be walked on anymore.

I think the real answer is in you as a person. Will the knowledge give you that ability to really "let go" or will it just give you more questions?

[Mowgli]

I'm going to add this as well:

Azzork is right. Will knowing really change the situation for you? You guys are already lawyered up, right?

This might expedite that process. Is that what you really want?

I'm going to disagree with Squiggy on one point, though:

If you decide to open that can of worms, I would not leave the door open for her... I wouldn't say anything about living in an open M etc. or giving her that choice to come back. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't, but think about how it makes you sound? I'm not just saying that for your sitch, either. I think that needs to be a general rule.

In your particular sitch, she's already taken some legal steps, so you know where she stands regarding your M.

[rich4j]

Mowgli, Azzork, Sci , Squigs....

Thanks all for the advice and questions/reasoning

I need to step away from the edge. Some of the info I found set me off and down a path of last night and today of lunacy. Heart physically hurts and mind was racing all day thinking of her with this potential "guy".

We are L'd up so I have pinged my lawyer again to see what this could potentially mean or not. I have backed away today on this as I have more major issues again at home

Her saying our D has asked now "why don't you and daddy do things together anymore? Why not as a family?" It kills me ...made me cry tonight when my STBX said this and then asked why I won't leave?

I need our L's to get in gear so we can move on. I can't take this much more...

[Squiggy]

If you decide to open that can of worms, I would not leave the door open for her... I wouldn't say anything about living in an open M etc. or giving her that choice to come back. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't, but think about how it makes you sound? I'm not just saying that for your sitch, either. I think that needs to be a general rule.

You caught me. I forgot the final line which moves it forward: "I will not live in an open marriage, and if you continue with your affair, then X will happen. Otherwise, if you end the A and come home, you will find that I am more than willing to work on any and all problems, including my own. Otherwise, we both have some very big decisions to make."

One thing you have to keep in mind is that DBing is to save the marriage if possible. Even while establishing a boundary, you are still working to keep the door open, the road paved smooth. Were you to leave it in the form you are suggesting, it can come across as a pushy ultimatum that goes against the goal of reconciliation.

[Squiggy]

Rich, the decision is yours, but I would recommend slowing down and not pushing. You have already done the steps of protecting yourself with an L. You are reacting to your emotions.

As a survivor of infidelity and a pending divorce, I'm going to tell you to try and relax. I know it hurts like hell, but this doesn't mean it's the end of the road. One step at a time and keep working on you.

[rich4j]

Squiggy- agree on slowing down.

It hurts like hell that it still baffles me even without a confirmed affair that she is willing to give this all up and move on. But that is what alot of us struggle with here

She keeps pushing me to leave as its confusing to our daughter and not a good situation. REally? You think telling her we are divorcing won't be mindblowing to her too? I realize we both want to move on but she keeps pushing to get me out there door. I have told her no until we have the lawyer stuff aligned

We have a talk tonight at home around finances, dogs, are you getting a job?, the house, i will try not to go with the affiar stuff, etc.....and have our first joint co parenting session tomorrow afternoon. That will be a hard one for me....everytime the Daughter discussion is involved and melt, cry and just feel bad for her. the STBX.....not even a tear....."she is resilient"....hate that word already

Really struggling lately on how real this has gotten but tired and exhausted and almost wish it was over so we could move on. I keep this hope that she will miss me but that is why "hope is not a strategy". Time will tell......

[otw]

My W was exactly the same. She thought her happiness would make the kids better. She ignored them. No tears when we told them.
They can't let it affect them or they may think they are wrong. That is not an option to them