I would agree completely with GB and add -- if you wanted to take a STAYCATION during that week and you WEREN'T planning on getting away that you still would be well within your rights to say no to him. HIS understanding of whether something is reasonable is not the only determining factor in what IS reasonable.
I have to say, Claire, you've been very kind and accommodating to him. I'd love to see you stand up for yourself a little more and not be so quick to see his side. He doesn't give you that kind of consideration and I think his message to you about "not understanding" was snarky and rude. He's treating you like a childcare resource. He's a father. If something isn't working for him during the time you have agreed he's responsible for her, then it's HIS responsibility to resolve the problem.
I hope you know I say that because I care about your well-being. You do a hard job under hard circumstances.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Just wanted to say how much I appreciate the support and advice. I feel so strong in many areas of my life...and I am continuing to work on asserting my voice in conflicts in a productive way. Working on it at work, too.
Thanks. Off for the weekend with D and another single mom and her daughter. Fun!!
So, a few updates, though nothing earth-shattering. My D is still moving forward. Finally (over 2 months later) got a counter-proposal from stbx's new L. I still have some financial stuff to figure out on my end, and I'm trying to stay calm about it all. It's hard. I find dealing with him to be very unpleasant. I find myself constantly questioning whether my reactions to things he says or does are reasonable. And I get conflicting advice. And that makes me wonder whether I am somehow holding on to a bit of a victim mentality in all of this. Am I wearing my "integrity" like a badge of honor instead of just going with the flow and being a "conscious uncoupler"?
The newest: He wants to introduce D5 to his gf. He's such a coward--the way he "told" me they were dating (finally) was, "I know you know who I'm dating." I guess I have a practical question-- aside from all the other emotional stuff pinging around in my head: Because our daughter was so small when H left me, (she was not even 3), we explained it to her that Daddy was going to live someplace else. We've never actually said the D word. Stbx has always been afraid to say it. (He said to me, "I don't see a married future for us," which I guess was his way of asking for a divorce.)
So, I'd appreciate some feedback on this very rough draft of a response:
"Sure, I bet D5 will like her a lot. I think it's time to be clear with D5, however, about the nature of our relationship. We have never officially told her that we are getting divorced, and if you are introducing your girlfriend into her life, I think it's important to clarify that for her. She doesn't bring it up much, but we know that she is very perceptive. I want her to feel comfortable speaking to us about this. And I realize we may not be on the same page about how to explain our divorce to her. If she asks why, I plan to say, "Daddy and I disagreed about many things, including whether or not to stay married. But we agree on one thing, and that is that we both love you very much." If she asks me further questions, I will answer as age-appropriately as possible while also staying true to my own values and beliefs."
Thoughts? I'm so appreciative of your feedback and support. Oh... and I'm going away for a few days next week! Woo hoo!
And one more random question that keeps popping into my head...
For those of you who took your spouse's name, did you change back to your maiden name? Why or why not?
I don't really want my maiden name. I don't want to have a different name than my daughter. Why do I have to be the one to have a different name than her?? I wasn't the one who wanted to dissolve her family. I don't want to have to go through all the paperwork -- and all the public announcement -- of the failure of my marriage.
I changed my name but I don't have kids so it didn't really make sense to keep it (and it was always mispronounced so I was happy to be rid of it).. but changing it is a huge pain in the *** once you've accumulated more stuff to change. And yes, it was awkward for many months and still to this day. Lots of people saying "congratulations!" lots of people asking "when did you get married?" I got used to saying "actually it was the opposite" pretty quickly.
All of the people I know who are divorced and have kids kept their married name, so that they could retain that connection with their kids. Some have said they might change it if they got remarried, but they would deal with that when the time comes. I do have a friend without kids that opted to keep her married name, with the idea that when she got remarried she'd change it then so it didn't make sense to change it multiple times - it certainly made things easier for her.
So, long story short, I don't think there would be anything "wrong" or unusual about keeping your married name, providing you're comfortable with it. A lot of people have the attitude that it's just a name so unless it is too painful to hold onto, why go through the work of keeping it?
For me this part of it was upsetting because it was the big public acknowledgement. My friends and family knew what was happening but changing my name made it "real" to the rest of the world, even people I barely knew.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Hey, Claire, I kept my married name, in part for the hassle, in part for the kids... And there ARE moments I wished I'd changed it back. But my maiden name is extremely common -- like, Smith common -- and I liked having something a bit less common. Also, I have had my married name 18 years. Everything I've achieved in my adult life except my undergraduate degree was in that name.
Fwiw, the only people I know who changed their names back (while having kids) had extremely contentious divorces. And changing it required explaining to the kids.
For your email, I wouldn't say "d will like her," I'd say "thanks for letting me know." I think it's a little much showing that kind of enthusiasm and you don't have to put yourself through that. He doesn't need your opinion on d's reaction to the Gf.
Divorce is unpleasant. You didn't want one and he did so by definition he's not being reasonable if he asks one thing of you. But when it comes down to it, if you trust your lawyer, that's the only opinion that matters. Nobody else's counts. How you feel should be honored as you navigate this transaction.
I will be so happy for you when this is done. It's been hanging over you for far too long. Stand strong, Claire, the end is in sight!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks, MB. I really appreciate it. I can't believe I am still awake. This whole process has probably taken years off my life just in lost sleep. SIGH. Another night of not enough sleep and a busy day ahead. I'm so sick of it.
I totally get what you are saying about keeping it to "thanks for letting me know." Any thoughts on the rest of it? He has told me that he still doesn't really know the circumstances of his parents' divorce... and has also told me that he was so thrown when he found out that his dad left his mom for his step-mom.. he found out by accident when he was in college. I don't want to disparage him to her, but I also want her to know what *I* value. I wonder what he would say to her if this were to happen to her. I wonder what his mom said to him.
How do you do that without a) being judgmental or bitter ("he made a 'bad' choice) or b) painting him as weak or deficient to his D ("he wasn't capable of doing the hard part")? This isn't much of an issue right now at the age of 5, but it's going to be perhaps the hardest thing I communicate to her as she gets older. Maybe "I think you have to talk to daddy about that" will be something to say, and let him explain his side to her himself. All I can control is whether I am the kind of mom whom she feels safe enough to talk to about tough things. I pray for the strength and maturity to be that kind of mom.
I have to tell you I'm glad I wasn't drinking coffee at your conscious uncoupling remark. I know you're not trying to be funny, but I just get you and think you are. Is that a bad thing?
I think most (if not all) of us have enjoyed the victim mentality at times during this process. I know I did. I typically played that card when I was really stressed and not managing what was on my plate; I guess it was just easier to blame him for my discomfort. Shoveling snow and yard work was my trap for years. There. I said it: years. I despise both, they were his jobs and I hated that he left me with the house and to do list from hell, so it was easy to point the finger. And the next day, I'd wake up and think, "Betsey, what is wrong with you? You have choices too."
So... you realize that you're one of probably thousands here and more in the real world whose divorce is riddled with communication problems? Apparently, your H's family of origin had a problem, and nobody taught him how to do it. Chances are, we had poor communication models as well. (My FOO were yellers... lovely. That took me years to work through.)
There is a book by Samantha Rodman that friends of mine used as their guide to telling kids about the facts of the split. Don't know if it's still out there, but it might help. Like you, I was separated for 2 years before Mr. Wonderful back handedly pulled the trigger (he filed the paper work with the county listing me as the petitioner), and my kids were older than yours when things legally occurred. All I can say is that my oldest was actually relieved when we told her we had come to the big decision. Sitting on the fence was super uncomfortable for her, and quite honestly, she didn't give us a chance anyway. It was obvious to her that her dad had moved out and moved on.
Aside from the fact that no kid would prefer to have a family that lives apart, your D seems awfully settled with you. Is she okay with the arrangement to go to her dad's? If so, I think the conversation will merely be a period at the end of a sentence. She's already living the life of a family with two homes, and you can reassure her that she is loved by both of you and that won't change. Let your actions take center stage. She may be young, but she's old enough to see what she needs to see to draw her own conclusions. Your plan sounds really great to me. You have a good handle on things, and I know you'll handle it with grace and aplomb.
LOL, when I got married, I really didn't want to change my name. In the end, Mr. W. told me that he wanted me to take his name but that it was my choice. I think I was spoiling for a big showdown then? I took his name. When we got our D, the judge asked me if I wanted to reconsider my decision to revert to my maiden name. He nearly fell out of his chair when I said, "Nope. I'm good. I want to have the same name as my kids." I think I shocked both of us. Periodically, I think of spending the time, money and energy to going back to my maiden name (which is easier to spell and pronounce), but in the end, I've had his name for almost as long as I had my maiden name. So there you have it. I am who I am.
I'll just ask you the same thing that I asked myself back in 1989: what's your motivation? Is it a knee jerk reaction because you don't want to be reminded of your failure with him? Or is it because you feel you need a fresh start? Either one is okay, but your truth is somewhere there, and whatever decision you make is fine. BTW, when I thought I was going to change it back, my oldest was okay with it. She said, "It must be weird to change it to begin with". Kinda? But yes, it's a reflection of who you are and who you want to be and this isn't a one size fits all solution.
I'm used to people hacking my married name. It makes me laugh. But it's Norwegian and I'm comfortable with it. But I'll tell you that my family was shocked I didn't go back to my easy anglo surname...
I'm not making it to the superbowl parade, so I'm off to watch it on my TV at work. TTFN!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
How do you do that without a) being judgmental or bitter ("he made a 'bad' choice) or b) painting him as weak or deficient to his D ("he wasn't capable of doing the hard part")?
Well, if you give her information, you realize that 1) you're pulling her into your R with her dad; and 2) she's not mature enough to discern your truth from his and it will only be tougher for her.
I know it's hard but just say, "Daddy and I had some problems that we just couldn't work out. That's all you need to know right now, okay?"
When she's older, the game changes. My almost D22 has had a steady BF for 3 years. My R with her dad has been something that is periodically brought up more out of her wondering if things that happen in her life are normal? I'm a lot better at being able to tell her the truth about things. And BTW, after 13 years of being apart, I'm much more willing to tell her what I did wrong that hurt her dad too. It's easier to see myself back then differently - very similar to how we see our 13 year old selves?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks for all this great advice. I'm speaking to stbx tonight to get to some agreement on how we tell D5. So interesting that he still can't bring himself to use the word Divorce.
I'm having a great week recharging in a beautiful place -- hiking, massages, yoga. And getting some healthy sleeping and eating! Just what I needed to jump start my physical health.
