I'm brand new here

[Phoebe]

I don't think my reply made it through. Hopefully this isn't a double post of similar thoughts.

Those were the worst 6 days of my life, without a doubt. The very first night he sent me a brief text that he was safe and in a hotel and turning off his phone. I thought I'd hear from him in the morning, but that was it. I knew that he didn't want to be found, but I wrestled with the question of whether I should call the police in or not. I was scared, despite his previous assurances that he would never hurt himself. I knew on some level that my pushing the panic button might make things worse and might drive him away permanently.

I know it's unusual to discuss suicide, but two years ago this month my uncle by marriage killed himself while my aunt was asleep in their home. The poor man saw his father shoot himself when he was a child, and then his own brother also shot himself. This past fall, a slightly more distant relative also killed himself. It's almost an epidemic in my area. We've witnessed firsthand the devastation that suicide leaves behind, and we've talked about this difficult subject quite a bit. We both swore to each other that, no matter how bad things might seem, we would never even consider suicide as an option and would seek help if we ever had suicidal thoughts.

[Phoebe]

Uh Oh. Definitely a double post. The page locked up when I hit submit and I had to restart. I typed a new response and submitted it, thinking the first was gone. Now it message showed up. Sorry!

I'll get this.

[Phoebe]

So, I'm approaching the 8 week mark, and I really have no idea what to expect from my H. I have gotten no indicators that there is an affair (he adamantly says he would never do such a thing, and on this one I do choose to believe him), despite the supposition of so many that "needing space" is code for that behavior.

In the "1000 questions for couples" program than we've been working on daily by email, he's definitely indicated that resolving our relationship issues are his number one priority for the year. I get encouraged by things like that, and yet we still have not actually spoken and it doesn't seem like we are any closer to actually seeing each other than we were when he first disappeared. When I last asked him about how long the non-verbal communication would last, he replied that we would "speak when the time is right." Whenever the heck that might be! I swore that was the last time I was going to ask about it. I'm not going to be begging for anything, that I know.

We have been making small conversation by texts over the last 10 days or so because I was in a car accident (hit at a stop light, car totaled) and I had to buy a new car and then that new (used) car was just hit by a shopping cart in a parking lot. (yes, indeed, Murphy has been showing me how his law works!!!) Anyway, we've had plenty to text about due to the whole car thing. Sometimes the texts are inside jokes and just silly, and that's been kind of sweet. Still, though, nothing more substantial than car info and some little throw-away fun thoughts.

I try to maintain my distance, not telling him about my own activities other than the car issues, and not asking about his. Yesterday he told me about one of his own day's activities for the first time (fixing a snow blower, of all things, but it's something, at least). He is starting to sound a bit more like the guy I thought I knew as the weeks have gone on - fewer mentions of things like "self-actualization," and more concrete thoughts instead, such as his need for more social contact outside our marriage, etc..

As an aside, I've never stood in the way of his social contacts, rather he is very awkward socially and that has limited his own friendship prospects. I'm pretty social, even with strangers. We have, however, chosen to keep our social circle extremely small and put most of our energy into each other, being each other's best friends for 25 years, and that has finally come back to bite us.

I've been reading so many stories here and so many of them are so sad that I end up feeling pretty discouraged. I'd love to hear something more encouraging from anyone.

I have a conference in Las Vegas that I have to attend in March, and it's really past time for me to buy my tickets and make hotel reservations. Part of me wants to ask him if he would like to come along as we've gone together in the past and enjoyed it together, but I know that I probably shouldn't. I should go on my own as part of my GAL program. I just miss him a lot.

[Shadoe]

Hi. I am so sorry you are going through this too.

[Phoebe]

Just a bump, hoping for some encouragement.

Some days it seems I can just about keep my head above water, and today's been one of them. I keep trying to remind myself, "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming." I do the best when I'm pretending that it's not really happening.

[Zues126]

You're doing awesome. Keep posting here. You'll pick up a following in no time.

You're actually in a more hopeful situation than most...but it's still a really hard path, with a lot of uncertainty.

Do you have a DB Coach yet?

[Phoebe]

No, I don't have a DB coach yet.

I surely don't feel like I'm doing awesome, but thank you very much for saying so. I'm feeling just a little bit stronger and more balanced every day, but there are days that I backslide pretty badly and end up having a lovely little sob-fest. And maybe an anxiolytic if it's a particularly bad one!!! I never used to be a person that cried much. (and before bomb drop I'd never taken Xanax either!) That changed a couple years ago when the first cracks in our M started to show, when I first realized that I was married to someone I didn't always recognize. It turns out that was the same time he started down his secretive path to friendship and socialization.

I wish I knew then what I know now. Once upon a time I begged and he stayed. I felt so ashamed of myself, and I will never do it again. I didn't beg for him to stay, but rather for him to forgive me. All this time later, I'm still am not really certain what I was asking forgiveness for, but at the time the focus was on some issues we'd had working together on a building project. That was 2.5 years ago now. Funny how you can think you've finally healed the rift and then it yawns open again and [censored] you back in.

I know that I have plenty of work to do on myself. I know I don't listen well, and I know I don't take criticism well, either. That said, I am affectionate and loving, supportive and generous, and I am a hard worker. I have dug deep and found a well of patience in myself I didn't know existed. He certainly had tested it!!! I am willing to put all of that and more into my efforts this time around, but I will not beg for anything. After 25 mostly excellent years, I feel that I want to give this man the time he needs to figure himself out.

I am working on my failings and we've explored them a bit in our "questions" work. He has his own issues, and he admits them. He knows he has violated my trust and that will be the single most difficult issue that we face as a couple. Each of us has committed to finding a therapist to help us work on ourselves. He thinks that I suffer from depression, and certainly in the last few weeks I can't disagree. I don't agree with him that I was depressed before the bomb drop, though, but arguing that point won't help.

Still, it is what it is.

The only certainty right now is that I'm going to have to live with myself for the rest of my life, so it's high time I get on with it. I wish it were as easy to do as it is to type.

[Phoebe]

What a funny word to censor. "Pulls" you back in I guess works just fine, too. LOL.

[Phoebe]

Still keeping busy and doing the whole 1000 questions thing with H. It'll be 8 weeks tomorrow since I last heard his voice, and I'm doing OK. Some days better than others, but hanging in there.

Going to the gym, shoveling plenty of snow (!!), staying in touch with 3 friends that know what's going on and are supportive of my continued efforts to give H the time and space he needs while taking care of myself, home improvement projects, etc.

I think my weight loss has maybe leveled off at the -22 pound mark. The funny thing is that I've been a Weight Watchers member for a few years now and had been struggling to maintain my goal before the whole crisis started. Now I'm having the opposite problem. Life is funny sometimes! Maybe not funny "Ha, Ha," but funny.

Sleeping much better. One of my friends told me yesterday that I had a lot of grit for hanging in there. I liked hearing that.

[Phoebe]

I sent H a Valentine's Day card. He sent me a Groundhog Day card, so I thought I could safely send him something. It's a very simple card, with a cute drawing on the front and nothing more that "Happy Valentine's Day" inside. I just signed it and that was it. I hope it is well-received, as we've been so friendly in our emails and texts recently.

This is so hard, having to analyze every little single action. I've never been a person to read things into every word and deed, so it is surely not one of my skills.