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#2651321 02/08/16 11:22 AM
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HopeRB Offline OP
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Hi everyone,

I'm new here but have been lurking off and on for months now and am just feeling spent, drained, hopeful then hopeless. Patient than impatient. Like giving up but then not (especially when people tell me to just move on and get over it). Consistent then inconsistent. Long story short:

H and I have been together for 8 years, married 4. He left me in August after saying he hasn't been happy for over a year. A week after he left me, he came back and said he had an affair with a coworker and that it had been over for a few months. But I never believed that, and I still don't now. He was adamant about not coming back home but hadn't yet brought up D to me or his family. Months went by and it was agonizing as he would come visit and we were slowly spending more time together. During this time, H said he was still open to talking about things, going to counseling and that he hasn't yet given up, but he was also not fully committed to reconciling so he remained distant even while we would spend time together. He finally agreed to come to a counseling session with me and said it was helpful, seemed overall positive about it and even suggested that we keep going after the holiday. Well, we went away to his family's home for Thanksgiving and he said he would be coming home before the end of the year.

Fast forward a 1.5weeks later, he came over one night and said he would not be coming home, he was just pretending, his heart isn't in it and that we would eventually be getting a D. Our anniversary happened to be a few days after that I did not receive a call/text AT ALL on that day from him. Christmas came and went with just a text asking how I was doing and on New Years', radio silence. I haven't seen him since then, and we have barely spoken if nothing but about finances and him telling me what I should be doing to find another place to live. When we do interact, I do my very best to keep things light, humorous, and surface. However, if I manage to get him on the phone, something comes over me and I feel annoyed and anxious b/c he refuses to talk to me about anything and dismisses me. I've been prayerful, faithful, and basically GAL/LRTing all this time and it seems like he is just steadfast in his resolve. And then I get so upset with myself b/c I slip up and have to start all over again. I have a DB coach who doesn't necessarily think that going dark for too long periods of time b/c he seems to come around after awhile of my darkness. Communication has been increasing extremely slowly by me following DB coaches insight and suggestions however, I had a slip-up last night and basically said things that negate all the work I'v done. I'm just so pissed with myself, feeling hopeless and discouraged again and don't know what to do.

Has anyone had or is in a similar situation with tips on how to remain consistent when it's hard, getting back on track and staying cool in the face of rejection?


"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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HopeRB Offline OP
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I cycle back and forth between all of these things and when I'm feeling strong enough to withstand the rejection, unanswered texts/phone calls, silence, no forward progress, I mess it all up and and feel discouraged and not important to him. I have good willpower but I also feel like maybe too much time has passed at this point...


"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
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HopeRB Offline OP
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Does anyone have advice on this? I'm feeling discouraged and confused.


"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
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G8r Offline
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Hi HopeRB,

I can definitely relate to the cycling of emotions as well as screwing up and having to restart. Really think everyone here does it more or less.

Don't think I've been in my sitch to tell you how long the cycling will last and when the cycle will shift to more positive than negative but I can say that you have fewer and fewer restarts with practice and patience.

Sorry that you're here but the people are helpful. I wish you success on your journey. Vaya con dios


Me:44 W:38
T:10.5 M:7.5
D:3
BD: 7/2015
W moves out of MBR: 9/2015
WW files for D: 2/8/2016
G8r #2651602 02/09/16 07:30 AM
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HopeRB Offline OP
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Thanks G8r. I think I do well 90% of the time but for some reason, something overcomes me and all the research, advice, books, better judgment goes out of the window and I feel anxious and sad all at once.

How do you catch yourself and recalibrate? And how does W respond to the inconsistency? Do you find it takes longer to get back to where you were before you had a slip-up? And is it just as hard as starting from scratch?


"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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HopeRB Offline OP
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Thanks Cadet. I have the book and keep referring to it. Just in desperate need of real-life advice from people who have gone through this (which is obviously most of us!).

Need to know what worked/didn't work for you in terms of staying the course and getting back on the course if you got off track. How long did it take? How did they react?


"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
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I believe that following the 37 rules works.
Following DB works.

Doing more of what you have already been doing does not work.

It is counter intuitive and hence where MWD comes up with the 180.

You have years of doing it wrong that always worked before.

Now it does not work.

So the first goal is to work on yourself.

What are some other goals that you have?


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HopeRB Offline OP
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I've been working on myself, getting stronger and more confident. Falling and getting back up. Some goals I have are to be more independent, confident, exercise, take up more activities, be a better version of myself. But in the midst of all of that, I want to have more contact with H toward restoration.


"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
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