In House S (7)

[otw]

Vise
I understand that you think you need to replace her. Trust me, i thought for a bit that she is gone she has moved on and doesnt want me anymore. i will just move on also.

I am not proud of this but I spent some time talking to other women and hung out with them. the next day I felt like crap. I really wasnt interested in them emotionally and now it think i am leading them on. I had to back pedal and now i need to be very careful what i do.

It could also be that no one is still comparing to W in my mind.

I dont recommend this route until you know it is time. Dont try it as a coping method.

[vise82]

Hey OTW and Vapo,

I only mentioned it because I was feeling the pull for another R. Of course the logical side of me thinks its too soon. I am sure its is a struggle for some on here as it is for me. I know I don't want to but I have the thoughts and I test myself to see where I truly am with this.

Part of me thinks that W can sense what I am feeling and this will change things.

I need to still be in it for me and the kids.

So for valentines day, W will be taking the kids to her parents house so I was thinking the kids could do a breakfast for her before they go.

[vise82]

Hey,

S4 was with inlaws yesterday, I met them half way to pick him up at W work. In laws were gone by the time I got there. I had both kids and W worked late.

Normal day I fed them played outside with neighbor kids and then W came home. We all sat on the couch and watch TV until it was time for the kids to go to bed, I put them down and then W stayed in her part of the house and I mine.

In the morning we were both up. and I said my god byes and out the door. There is no tension right now. From my side no anger, and I am feeling very comfortable talking and interacting.

We have some old debt that went to collections and now they have an order against me to pay. I am not proud of it, but it is what it is. I have tried to get another loan to pay it off. It is in my name but from W real estate selling days and payment of the bill got missed years ago from W as she was paying bills and money was tight then so this bill got left behind.

My credit is hurt by it but W credit recently is better and she said she will pay it off to get rid of the judgment. They put a lien on the house. With it on the title it makes it messy to sell.

I have no choice but to pay it off this way. It was her debt, just was in my name. With this paid off it will make my credit easier to repair.

It just makes me uneasy as far as S goes as I don't know what this will change if anything. I am thankful she is willing to help me out with this.

[vise82]

Hey Terrible day,

I picked up my oldest son from school and W brought home youngest from work where her parents dropped him off.

W left for the groceries store and I looked after the kids and fed them dinner, W took a long time. She came back agitated and was on S7 for any comment he made then got on me for not backing her up.

We all watched TV before they went to bed, I had both boy on me and W sat on a separate chair. I put them to bed then started to watch a movie by myself in a separate room.

W comes down and is on me about not getting back to her about S. It had been a month she says since she asked me to talk about it and I have done nothing. I validated but that ran out as she started to ask specific questions abut what I wanted to do, I said I cant decide unless I know where she was going to live. She wouldn't tell me. and said that I cant force her to live somewhere.

I asked if she could tell me the city she plans on living . She could tell me. She threatened to just bring me to court if I couldn't agree with her. I took my ring off and threw it saying is that what you want? She didn't even flinch.

My lawyer said I shouldn't agree to anything right now until my W sees a lawyer. So I said I wasn't going to agree about anything with out talking to a lawyer.

She got angry and started to make me the villain for not wanting to do the divorce easy and low cost. I said I am not the one that wants this, If you want this you take it to your lawyer.

There was also me telling her to leave and that I don't want to talk about this now. She wouldn't leave and call me childish for not wanting to talk. I get up and leave and she follows me and say why would you want to keep living like this, we are not good together married. I said there are a lot of things we are good at together. And there are things that need work but it takes two to work on it. What could you change to make it a better MR? she didn't answer. She kept on say that three years ago I didn't want to work on it so its over now. I said it took two to get where we are right now. She said she doesn't care who caused it, she then took all the blame and said it changes nothing.

I also mentioned that we cant keep trying to talk like this you in a door way standing there talking down to me trapping me in the room.

It is not good, I was having a good month, I asked what happened during going out to get groceries that changed your mood? She had no answer. She must have talked to someone. She just looked so ugly to me, I wanted to tell her that, but I couldn't.

Our life is what we make it and she has made this terrible situation and has no interest in making it better. I guess in her eyes she thinks S will make it better.

I also went a bit far and the topic of being friends came up. She was agreeing how good we are at co parenting but are no good at being husband and wife. And that we can continue being good friends and co parents to the kids. I told her if we are divorced I have no interest in being friends. She didn't like that and said that the courts will love hearing that.

I am thinking that I need to say that if more talk needs to be done we do it via email. I just cant talk to about this stuff with her, She know what buttons to push to get me angry.

I want to protect myself and use lawyers and she is so mad about that. I tried to tell her I have no choice, with what has happened in the past, and this being such a life changing thing that it cant be done any other way.

But I am the bad guy for wanting that. Divorce costs a lot of money and she is fooling herself to think otherwise. From my experience and she was part of it, if we go the least cost way , it could cost more later in life.

I left early for work this morning so I wouldn't have to see her this morning.

[otw]

sorry bud,
Few thoughts

You need to learn to STFU.
like now

throwing the ring, i get it your anger boiled over of so much pent up. Been there. Not good though.

I think you are dragging your feet in something that needs to get moving.

You should have just told her that you do not want emotions to become involved in the handling of the S and you would like to have a L handle things and that is all.

if she doesnt want to then you can get the agreement drafted and present to her to review on her own.

It all [censored], I know towards the end i did more for the S than i wanted but i think it had to be done.

Do you think you can ever really start any kind of healing for either of you with this s looming? There is o much anger associated with it. need to get it done and put it to bed to begin to move forward to whatever is next. not next in bad but any way.

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

Yes so much anger. I am angry for her having us in this sitch. I am angry for her trying to talk to me last night like that, So confrontational right from the start. I am mad that I responded like I did. I felt boxed in, I was in the basement and she was standing in my way to get out of there.

I am angry that she hold over my head that I didn't want to change three years ago. She was trying to make me into a different person, getting me to do things that were not me.

I don't know about the ring, I haven't put it back on, It was something I was struggling to put on everyday as I have to take it off for work. Logically I should just put it back on, I am still married. But another part of me liked the feeling of removing it and part of the sitch that comes with it. It was like sheading a part of this bad sitch. Freeing myself. But its all false, I am not free.

I don't know how to respond now, If I should just apologize or what. I am thinking she doesn't deserve me. I have put this effort in and stood my ground for her and us and she has no feeling on it except for me to go.

I am trying to get balanced today. I has STFU for a month then it builds up and I let it out. I was doing it but she kept pushing me, with more questions one after another. Then putting me down saying I did nothing all this time. That I was just sitting there ignoring it. Validating only got me so far.

Just to go from doing all these family things together, her getting new family pets and no talk of the S for weeks. To the S talk we had out of the blue last night. I was caught so off guard.

I don't know. I am shaken today. My world has stopped right now, I don't know what to think. I am paused. Not sure what is going to happen.

She was asking me why I have to see it at extremes , I want to say married or never talk to her again. I think its plain why. If she is rejecting me, I want to lessen the pain so I remove her from my life as much as I can.

[otw]

Really think about what I said about getting this S done. How can any healing start with the way things are?

She has no intention of working on things and i do not think that will change with the image she is getting from you regarding this fighting over the S.

you need to get out of the way.

I know that is not what we want but we cant stop them from doing what they want

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

So thinking about getting this S done, I need a plan, identify the barriers , remove them, and continue to work on my goal with what ever little increments I can that are manageable for me, keep moving and stay positive.

It seems W tends to have these talks just before she is visiting family or friend. Then it just fuels the conversation for her at the visits.

Plan. I am not sure but I will put a logical plan together not based on feelings or sentiment.

I want to have the kids 50/50 with short stays at each others place. A 3/3/4/4 rotation. This way they can keep going to grandmas and grandpas on Sunday. I will be able to continue with my GAL soccer.

I will need a place to live. I will look for a rental options in the kids school zone. I think it would be best for the kids if they could keep there same friends. Stumbling blocks would be finding a place that has a garage for my hobby car and tools. To solve this barrier I would have to sell hobby stuff. Or pay for storage.

I am trying to get my mind around this life changing event.

W just texted about picking up the kids. I will reply later.

I can just feel this MR imploding, UGHHH Correction keep It positive, I can get through this!!

[vise82]

Hey,

Yesterday I looked into the school zone and there was not much available from what I could see, I think I will have to drive around and look to see first hand.

I put my ring back on. Just felt wrong with out it. Not sure how W was able to do it. She never took them off except when she was pregnant. I think she was at the lawyers office and was instructed to take it off.. Her parents were there and I imagine they took it to put in the safe. With it there she has no choice but not wear it or ask parents for it back out of the safe.

I didn't text back W. She didn't call an her way home like usually. Looks like that last talk has changed the dynamic. She came home late. I tool S7 ice skating, he fell asleep on the players bench. W didn't say much but her eyes went right to my ring hand.

I put one child to bed and cuddled with him and fell asleep. I didn't want to really go down and get the youngest that was sitting next to W. I didn't want to see W. I did wake up after an hour and went to the basement to watch a movie. While I am watching it I was hoping she wouldn't come down to talk to me. She didn't and she went to bed with out saying a word.

I go to bed and I could see sticking out of her purse a wedding invitation from her brother with her and the two boys names on it. So looks like I am officially out of the inlaws family. I am surprised because they have other divorced family and both sides are always invited and go to family events. Maybe I am getting my invitation separately? It just blows my mind a little that they wouldn't invite me. Its going to be a big wedding with 150 people there and me who was at every Christmas and Easter ect. wont be.

It does hurt a little. And they know I stopped talking to my family, and haven't seen them for two years, they sort of adopted me into there family, until this.

[otw]

I have a question, and i am leading one way or another about it, but why are you wearing the ring still? is it for you? if it is, what does it do for you?

Are you wearing it to prove a point to her? Get a reaction? Im just curious