The doors will blast off their frames once you realize you don't need to keep telling yourself to keep being strong, sexy, confident and instead embrace that you are strong, sexy, confident. It is something difficult for a lot of us LBS to learn. I remember being a wet noodle...
C'mon, butterfly, time to unfold those wings.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
He didn't tell me he was coming over( Just shows up) so he came and found us outside. Kids were running around playing, I was washing my car and dancing with music singing. We were having a great time. I don't even know how long he was watching us from the open sliding glass door before we saw him.
I had a bikini top, tank top, shorts so I know at the very least I looked good, I was going to wear my usual like hobo shirt and workout pants but wanted to feel like one of those hot girls on the tv commercials and I didn't even CARE if anyone saw me. I did it for me. I didn't think he would see me in it, I just wanted to make myself feel good.
He didn't talk much. He came outside for a little.. then went inside by himself(even though he came to visit the kids.) I told the kids to go inside and play with daddy while I finish up. He went into our room, in the dark, laid on the bed alone. I went in there and got a change of clothes. He offered to untie my top of my bikini and I said sure, thanks. Then I changed in the bathroom.(Boundaries! Usually I'd change in the room and not care.)
I LEFT him alone in there(usually I would go spend time with him, ask what is wrong, invade his bubble.) Went and made dinner. He came and got a drink of water then went back into the room to pout. I popped my head in, said there is left overs if you want any. I am putting them in the fridge and let it go.
He didn't want any. He made a comment about how I wear my certain bra a lot( I don't but I guess the last 3-4 times I have seen him I just happen to be wearing the black one) and I should go buy new bras and panties on my VS card and treat myself. Not too much or I have to use my half of the income taxes to pay it off.( WOAH before he said maybe 300-500$ now half is like 3500$ NO EXPECTATIONS over 300-500 but I would fall over if he gave me thousands.) I just smiled and nodded and went back to reading a book.
Eventually he is like alright daddy is going to go now to work(what he says to make the kids not cry when he leaves). My D5 said daddy you and mom aren't married anymore are you. You don't wear your ring and you are never home.(OMG SHE IS SMART.) He said of course we are baby, you are silly. We are still married. Daddy just works a lot. Mommy still has her ring on too see.( Grabs my hand and shows d5) I didn't say A WORD..sooo awkward. Then my S3 started to cry because he now associates daddy being home with me having to leave for the night. I was like stop baby,mommy is staying, promise.He stopped after that.
Wah looked CRUSHED today when he left. He told me he was going over to spend the night at a friends. I was like..ok He said I just want you to know where I am and where I am going. I said okay, Have fun! He walked over and put his arms open for a hug. I gave him a hug, it was kinda sad today. I actually think he needed one after the kids and he just held me really tight with his head on my shoulder, and said he promised to be back before I need to go to class in the morning. I just said okay! Bye!
SUCCESS in my books. Maybe not the hug, but I felt like as a friend he needed one.
Seriously, everything from the car wash to the undressing boundaries (taking note) and how you just keep rolling right on. FLAWLESS. The best thing - it was for YOU! Exactly what you should be doing!
Kids are so smart, so intuitive and they just know things. I LOVE that she called him out, that's surely something he'll be thinking about.
I think the hug showed your character - you are a good person. You are doing the right thing. Compassion and understanding (with boundaries) are going to go much further than a cold shoulder IMO.
Roar! Lol I can be your she-ro haha. It was hard, I wanted to jump into bed and snuggle or see what was wrong, or just be the usual me, BUT I know the usual me is the me he wants to divorce so it helped when I thought of that. It did feel weird going to the bathroom to get dressed but at the same time I was like yeah. You wish you could see this! (My inner monologue voice in my head is a sassy biissssh so I am trying to be more like my inner voice.)
I was going to die when she said that. I really do not know what to say when me babies say that stuff. I was literally speechless and didn't want to say anything at all.
I think you are right, it was okay to be understanding and caring but as a friend and nothing more.
Red. That. Was. AWESOME. Seriously, perfect. So very proud of you!
Now, time to get back to work. This is yet another template for you to follow in your future interactions, what you are striving for. You had an infectious PMA. You were brief, but caring. You had clear boundaries (changing in the bathroom was perfect) with just enough to keep the engine revving (I feel so bad for him only getting to untie the bikini strap!). And you showed a good level of detachment - not throwing yourself at him, doing your own activities independent of him, and letting him manage his own issues. Be THIS every time.
And then the babies... My heart cried out for you when I read your kids' struggles. I remember my son (5 at the time) going through the same kind of thoughts: "Mommy, why do you not want to be in our family?" "Daddy, why are you and mommy not married?" "Daddy, I wish mommy were here with us." "When is mommy going to come home." Many times my son would be struggling and I would tell him "It is mommy's choice, buddy. But we are going to be ok no matter what." We also made our own thing where I would go "S6, Guess what!" "What?" "I love you!" Little things go a long way to support them.
My best advice is to go with what you said and keep giving them support. In front of your WAH, it might be best just to redirect. Sometimes you can redirect. Other times you can't. You'll have to use your best judgment here.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
That is good advice for the kids. I never know what to say, it is so hard.
Today I didn't do as good with boundaries. I think I took a huge step back. I am sick so I went to school, came home, took a nap when the kids were napping because I am soo tired but he came in the room when I was asleep snoring away.
He wanted to kiss on me and snuggle and I let him for alittle ( until I woke up more and was like go away and he didn't leave) then I was like fine I'm leaving now( his night to watch the kids.) and I left. He drives me nuts but I know i'm just as much to blame.
Now he has 24 hours alone with the kids, the longest I have EVER been gone from them both.
I am frustrated with myself. I FELT so good yesterday and now feel crappy like what is it called temp checking? Is that what he does? Make sure Im not too far away? Honestly not fair when I'm asleep on sick meds trying to sleep. Now I have 6 hours of idk what to do since Im out and about before my mom gets home and she forgot to give meback my house key to her house.
Yes, big feelings in little bodies, and it's our responsibility to take care of them.
Try not to measure the size of the step you might have taken back. Looks like that boundary is just not firmly in place. When you woke up more, you put it back in place. That is a success, even if not as large as yesterday. You will have ups and downs. Never stop.
He could be temp checking. Who knows? It doesn't matter. Has he made any statement saying he is coming back to the MR? Is he showing you actions towards repairing what is broken? Then it does not matter.
Your actions should still say the same. GAL, 180s, detaching, and keeping the road smooth. Maybe I should explain that a bit more. Keeping it smooth is about not doing things that would push the relationship away. However, it does not mean being a doormat either. Keep close, but not too close. Be neighborly, and don't throw your clothes on the floor for him. You want enough distance for him to feel the loss of you, and snuggling with him is not going to gain you that.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
