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I thought I would respond to some of the questions and points you had.

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Should I be as NC as posable or should I still be somewhat open to normal interactions?


The rule of thumb is to respond to contacts about the kids. In the 37 Rules, it says to let your spouse initiate the contacts. I will go a little further and say that when the WW is openly having an A, (flaunting it in front of others) then you really have nothing to discuss during the work hours (apart from something regarding the kids) that could not wait until the evening time at home. Some silly women look for excuses to contact the H, when it is unneccessary. Some men have had to tell their WW to keep it till after he gets home from work. As far as you contacting her just to see how her day is going? Forget it. That's pursuing, and you cannot afford to pursue a WW.

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2. She mentioned to her friend (see below) that me not paying for her to move out and get an apartment, that I'm forcing her to file for divorce so she can get money to move out. Is this WW talk?


Yes, it's WW talk, b/c she feels she has to make you look like the bad guy to her friends. It doesn't mean you are..........just that it's her screwy attempt to appear as though she had no other choice.


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How long are you willing for her to live with you and openly conduct an A? Just wondering, b/c if she and the OM should break up, I think she'll move on to OM#2, or girls gone wild. So, you may need to think about this carefully.


I am not sure, i've been asked this question by several people including my MIL.
What do I do?
Do I kick her out? I've already told her she should get a job ASAP and move out. Do I file for divorce? Should I tell her that I will not tolerate her continuing the A and communicating with him while living in my/our house? How do I enforce that? What are my options? This is all so foreign to me.


What does your belief system tell you? As a man, what do you want to do? What about your personal boundaries and marriage boundry? Are you willing to live in an open M?

You ask a great question about how to enforce it. Many guys have bravely stood before their WW and announce that they would not live in an open marriage. Then the WW continued on as though he had said nothing, and he had no clue as to what to do next. Always know what you are willing to do to stand behind your words.

My recommendation is to always check with a lawyer on legal things, before acting on something that won't hold up. I mean, it sounds real tough for us to tell you to kick her out, but if the law says you can't do that if her name is on the deed..........then it would be worse for her to come back knowing she had you backed into a corner.

I do believe a WW has to have consequences to her bad behavior, or she has no motive to change it. You can't make her do what you want, so you have to be the one to do the action. Make sense? I'm not necessarily talking about who leaves the house, but in smaller areas. You can always tell her she's no longer welcomed to share the same roof with you, but unless her name is nowhere on the deed or mortgage, I don't know much about what to do to get her out. It would be nice to plop a couple thousand dollars in her hand (or ever how much it would take) and tell her to find another place to live. However, I don't go along with financially supporting a WW. The child support.....yes. Spousal support.....no. Not unless the law says you must.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I don't think you are being over-bearing at all. I think you are making some generous decisions in paying off her bills. As you saw by her reaction to you not paying for the Mexico trip, it's never enough for a WW.

As far as your spreadsheet that shows the budget breakdown, don't expect her to stick by it. The WW doesn't honor much of anything, except strength.

She will try to use you to get as much as she can.....while she can.....knowing she is being unfaithful.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi2, thanks for your reply!!

I am in tough spot now! I still want to save this marriage but knowing that she has booked a trip to Mexico in a few months with him almost puts a nail in the coffin for me. Plus she is such an emotional wreck and all the drinking is worrying me about her as a mother. I want primary custody with (50/50) split. Have the kids mostly live in my home and keep things as stable as I can for them for the next 6 months while she gets sorted.

This is my quandary. Push for a deal now or stay DB and see if she actually gets a lawyer and files. Or a mix, help her move out and see what happens. BTW: Our state is Community Property (50/50) split if we cannot come to an agreement.

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Well yesterday the Wife went to a Divorce Shop (paralegal place) and started the filing process. She didn't tell me but I saw the charge come though last night. This morning she didn't bring it up until I asked on the way out the door with the kids (Kids in car already). She said she has not filed yet and the service is just building a starting point for the Wife and I to workout a deal without lawyers. She pointed out that we have 45 days to file. She still plans on living in the house during this process.

So..... Now what?

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Nothing new to post, just having a rough day. Hope your day is better!

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Have you sought any legal advice? Have you taken steps to protect your finances?

She is already charging things without telling you. If you don't take drastic measures, she will destroy you financially. You cannot trust her. This woman is not the girl you married.

You need to get your money in a private account, where she can't touch it. You will be paying for the trip to Mexico, plus much more, if you don't take action. Call your CC companies and shut down the credit that has both names, or take your name off the card......or whatever it takes to prevent her from using your credit.

Look, I understand that you love her and want to save your M. I get it. Right now, however, you have to save yourself! Many a man has been financially ruined by thinking his W will wake up, or by trusting her to do the right thing toward him. She is looking out for one person.......and one person only.......herself.

You can even see your action as helping to save the M from her. She is out to destroy it, so do what is necessary to protect your property from her. If she comes back to the MR, she will be glad you did.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Agreed, I am meeting again with my lawyer today (saw them back in September the first time). We don't have any joint CC and I stopped putting money in the join accounts 3 weeks ago. I'm taking care of all bills and putting money for normal stuff in the joint account.

I blew it last night, she came in right before bed and started in on me. I did everything wrong, invalidated her feelings, told her to move out ASAP, told her I don't trust her (called her a lier and a cheater), and much more...
She tells me she wants to be fair but I don't trust her. She want's the house, 50% of all assets, 1 year spousal support, primary custody of the kids (joint but her as primary). I'm ok with the 50% and spousal support but she cannot afford the house, and I think the kids will be better with me primary. At lease for the first 6 months, keep things a stable for them as posable. She can take kids every other weekend and Wednesday nights.

This [censored] so bad, the hurt, the anger from her, the coldness, it's all starting to catch up with me.

I've been Gal'ing like crazy but I'm exhausted, I need some down time. Going to focus on NC/180's and protecting myself and the kids.

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Okay, you said you blew it. If you had a do-over, how would you handle it when she started in on you?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I wish I saw your post yesterday! Yesterday the wife, kids and I went to my MIL house for lunch then over to our friends to watch the Super Bowl. Everything was fine all day until we got home and put the kids to bed.

She just blew up at me about everything, I would walk away and calmly say lets talk tomorrow. Then 5 min later she would be back screaming at me, asking who I was texting (I was playing a game on my phone), telling me she hates me, she should have never married me, she will get a lawyer and through me out of the house, that I treat her like a piece of property,etc.... I even tried to go for a walk but she followed me and said she won't go home.

I eventually took the bait and told her in not very nice words that I'm not the one having an affair, who is leaving for another man, and filing for divorce. This just got her more angry and it went around in circles for about 30min.

She left the house to morning to drop off kids and go file. I'm fighting a cold so I'm home in bed, maybe a little sad also.

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She text me today that she filed this morning and will have a copy of her proposed settlement for me when I get home. She is in a huge rush to get this done ASAP! Today she also asked me if I would help her get an apartment at $1500 (first month plus deposit) by Friday. I might if we write up that it's come from her settlement.

She has agreed to leave the kids with me in the house and take them every other weekend and Wednesday nights for the first 6 months, then review. She is asking for spousal support but has not given me a number yet.

I assume this rush is because the OM gets her Saturday, she told me weeks ago that she was out of town that weekend but didn't tell me where.

Still working on GAL and NC but looks like she has made up her mind.

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