I messed up. I was jumping up and down to hear that there's a concert with 2 of my favorites and I texted some friends to see if anyone could go with me. This was definitely something H and I would have done together as it was one of our common interests. Then I texted H saying this could have been us😢
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
Hi Buttercup. Welcome over, but sorry you are here. You sound like you are heading in the right direction. GAL is a great distraction during such a hard time.
Stay strong for your daughter, I am sure she is watching closely. Good luck on your presentation. Imagining people in their underwear never worked for me! But it does help to concentrate on my breathing and to know I know the answers to what I am talking about.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
My next step is to share the compassion I have for her dad with my daughter. She is angry and I think that's okay. I want to also give her alternate ways of looking at the sitch. Anyone with teenagers want to share their process?
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
I have tried to be neutral with my girls. I want them to feel what they feel. I think they need to know that their emotions are valid because it shows them that I respect them and my love for them is not conditional. I tell them "people are complicated, even when you love them" - I tell them that "love and redemption come in many forms" and that I am always open to helping someone if they ask for help. Finally I tell them you can live your life without bolting the door shut on anyone. Be open, be purposeful and be honest. Let someone's actions define the relationship over the long haul and try not to judge. Of course being empathetic is not the same as creating safe boundaries. That is a whole other thread...
If your daughter can see you be strong and compassionate she'll receive the message loud and clear. I would just be wary of pushing her to make excuses for her father's behavior because this sets the stage for how she will expect to be treated by the men she dates.
It sure is a tightrope.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
123Gwen, My daughter is so devastated and disgusted the only excuses she makes are to not tell him how she feels, having found that keeping quiet is less likely to provoke a defensive response from her dad. Yes, she's the acting adult here.
I agree with you about being open and honest. Truthfully, his actions are already having a (negative) effect on their relationship.
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
I found with my D now 20 then 11 that listening to her through her Dads crises and abandonment was important and it helped her through it
I tried to listen to her pain..staying neutral and validating without putting her dad down she seems very happy in her life today to me despite the fact of very little communication and relationship with her dad hang in
while not perfect, I believe strongly that one consistent loving and available parent is enough to get them through
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Just got text from H saying Expect a petition in the next week or so. He's going out of the country. I took deep breaths and called him to say I was drawing of up paperwork too. I think he was surprised.
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
Breathe! I'm glad he is surprised. It's not as easy as he thinks it's going to be.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What an evening. I met H face to face this afternoon when he was dropping daughter off. I didn't want to have him drive away without saying my piece. How he had to text me he was filing, not in person, or even by phone call. Mind you, he's been addicted to the ease of texting for years and conducted his affairs that way.
We "talked" for an hour. He doesn't say much and is defensive. He wants our daughter protected from nastiness and his bank account protected from me. Because, before he left, I checked the mail and there is the filed petition from his attorney!
Have had time to review the paperwork. He's only willing to provide me support for 14 years (age 65) until My Golden Years! He is so good at telling me what he thinks I want to hear when he is with me, and then is underhanded. The next 2 years are written down as he has wished to proceed. I get no say. I have no control. He made a veiled threat that he won't be "as generous as the courts" if I drag this through expensive lawyers.
I know not to believe what he says. Which is why I'm up at this ungodly hour. He wants to be friends. Why can't he realize we had something beautiful?
I'm tired of the lies and yet they are just beginning. I thought I saw a glimmer of possibility until I actually read his petition. His attorney seems inexperienced, but I don't know for sure. Who came up with this lovely settlement, and the decision to sell the house and split the difference, and to he!1 with me after he retires.
Even child support seems flimsy. He had promised her the world. Now she has a broken shell.
