In 2010 we separated for a year and she had two affairs. The first happened after a month of me moving out. She continued to flirt online and like men to give her attention.
Was this dealt with before you reconciled, or was it kind of swept under the rug? Have you seen any of the behavior that is similar to what you saw in 2010?
Something I don't think most LBH'S understand when they first come here is that the reasons your W may have had in the past relationship, could have led to this place.......but it isn't the real issue currently. The thinking of a H is usually that if he fixes the complaints, then it will fix the MR. There is just so much time a W gives her H to change these problems, then after that time has lapsed, she is done. She may still use the same old complaints against him........however, nothing he does to correct those complaints will change her feelings after she reaches the "done" stage.
So what's a H to do? You will get the answer over and over here on the board, but your mind will resist it. Detach, GAL big time, follow the rules, improve yourself as a man, and let go. Newcomers want a "how to" instruction list to get their M back on track, however, they don't believe this is it.
I will often ask a newcomer if they have read the homework Cadet gives, and they say that they have. However, when they ask questions that are answered within the homework assignment, it makes me wonder if they just skimmed over it. So, if you have not taken the time to thoroughly read those links, I want to encourage you to do so.
I have five threads on the subject of the wayward wife. I hope you will read them, and see if anything rings a bell.
For now, I am going to tell you to stop trying to persuad her. Let her think whatever she thinks. Let her feel whatever she feels. Don't try to convince her she's wrong. This will not be easy for you, but just try to keep your mouth closed about how she feels. Just live your life and let her be the observer, instead of you trying to coak her into joining you.
Don't let your fear dictate your actions. Use your value system, your integrity, your personal beliefs, and the information you are receiving to guide you in your decisions and actions.
What are you currently doing for yourself? Are you looking deep within to see how you need to improve as a man? Have you set any personal goals?
I am a former WW. I am still with my H. I can tell you that DB works. There is hope for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My WW hired a L and said she filed but I haven't received any papers. We are currently living together and I'm becoming proficient at avoiding arguing with her which is bad for at least 2 reasons. It doesn't help me work towards possible R and it is not good for D3 to see.
I know my WW still loves me but she is very angry, hurt and full of resentment towards me right now. The om doesn't help and sshe's got her head in his fog and doesn't see or think logically right now.
I debate whether or not I want to stay with her. My head clearly see that M is over and its time to move forward. Heart disagrees. We met on Eharmony and most of our M and R was good. She went chasing after the missing 10 to 20%. Although I still love her, I don't know if I would be putting in as much effort if we didn't have a D3. I suspect that when I finally throw in towel is when she will want to come back. Already told her that not only would I not be her friend if she gets her wish of D, talking between us will be at the bare minimum to Co parent. I already walk out of the room if it doesn't interfere with what I'm doing if she starts texting with the om.
My coping consists of staying busy with work and being best dad for D3. She needs some sense of stability and sanity. I've returned to the church, joined a support group and go play trivia with friends. I'd like to start yoga because I like to stretch and I figured it's a good place to meet women when I'm ready. What about you?
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
I also can personally attest that what sandi2 is saying is clockwork. I did all the things she says not to do prior to coming to this site and still slip up a bit here and there. Logic and reason have flown the coop. Only makes my WW more determined to prove she is right by arguing with her. In fact, my WW currently believes I am making her I'll, I'm doing it on purpose and I enjoy doing it to her. Absolutely ridiculous but I can't tell her that. Very hard to do but not impossible.
I wish you well with your sitch.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
In reply to your questions, I don't see similar behavior to our last separation but yes, we swept many issues under the rug, partly because my w just wanted us to"be" instead of discussing our problems at length. After a honeymoon period, we had another child and the same behaviors returned. We didn't talk or nurture our marriage. My wife would send me texts in an angry tone explaining how she felt. I would get scared that she would leave and I would withdraw into myself and distance myself hoping to weather the storm. My w did everything around the house and with the kids. She made all the decisions and eventually didn't even ask me my opinion on anything. She says she felt like she had another child to look after and lost respect for me. She feels that I am not strong or impressive and no longer feels attracted to me and that sex became mechanical.
She says that deep down she still has love for me but it is locked away as she cannot risk being hurt again and that in the future her heart may soften but right now she wants out. She thinks that because we separated before, I have had my chance so divorce is the only option.
We had a good few days where we talk about the kids, I help around the house share a bottle of wine in the evening. She became more receptive and happy to see me. She even fixed me lunch. I feel that she looks at me when I am playing with the kids, almost analyzing me.
Then in a cheerful voice she asks me if I have seen any properties to move into yet. This makes me feel dejected as it reinforces that she wants me to leave. I continue to be act happy around her and be helpful. I compliment her on little things like how she does her hair instead of just thinking it. She likes it.
I know I have to become a better man. I have lost my confidence and don't know where to start in building myself up. I go to counselling but it doesn't really help. I am starting a high end job very soon which will give me financial security and new responsibilities but that is all I have right now and I don't know how to detach from her as she is love of my life, I just failed to see it for so long.
Cadet has not sent me any homework which I would appreciate.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
Cadet must have been MIA when you first arrived. I will copy and paste the standard post he gives newcomers. The links in the post are packed with information for you to use.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am now in a predicament where my w is constantly pressuring me to leave the house or she will and take the kids with her. I have explained that I am waiting for a job offer within the next week or two and then I will have certainty for the future. She will not accept or hear what I am saying and is the only thing she wants to talk about. She yelled at me that we could not be friends because I will not do what she needs me to. I hardly recognize thee woman I was married to.
I know that when she gets her way she will calm down and be civil again.
She also keeps sending me online articles about where we went wrong in the marriage. She even says that we moved to quickly to get married and never got to really know each other as friends first. I replied that we can develop a friendship and see if goes further and if not we have a good relationship to help us bring up the children. I just feel that I get mixed messages amongst her determination to divorce me and move on.
How can I approach this? I have read the DR over and over but do not find anything specific to my situation.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
When she is sending these articles or yelling at you, and/or saying you M too quickly, do you feel she is trying to prove why the M should end?
Why do you feel that the DR book did not address your situation? Was it too general in its advice, or what? Are you wanting more of a step-by-step guideline?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know that when she gets her way she will calm down and be civil again.
What will you have to give up, in order for her to get what she wants? How has this worked in the past......long run?
If you are divorced, how will her calming down and being civil again help you? Do you believe if she is calm & civil that you have a chance to become friends and rebuild to the point of maybe staying the divorce or getting remarried?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think she is trying to find as many negatives as she can to prove that it was all a big mistake. Saying that, it feels that she wants to build a friendship now but I don't know if it is to keep me on side for when she needs me or if she thinks we could rebuild our relationship from there. At the moment it is all out war until I leave or have some place to go.
She like to be in control and when my brother suggested that I move closer to my new job and sell the house, she freaked out saying that he is always controlling me when it is her that wants control. She also been saying that she doesn't care if the house is sold until he suggested it and she started yelling "He doesn't care if you make your family homeless!"
Lots of contradictions in her behavior.
I used the book during my first separation and the 180 did work to an extent as there was no threat of divorce. My issue is with the last resort technique where it doesn't cover when a divorce is actually in progress and the spouse is hell bent on achieving their goal without seeing the damage it is doing and how resolvable the issues in the marriage are. She will not go to counselling and has just shut the door on our marriage as far as I can see.
I guess I need a more step by step guide to suit my situation.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
I would have to give her space. She needs to know that I am doing what she wants/needs. After I move out she will want me to be a good father to the kids. She says that she just wants to be happy in life but doesn't intend to meet anyone else, although her history makes me doubt that comment.
In the past when we separated, she said I wooed her. Also though, my interest in pursuing someone else scared her and she suddenly wanted to save our marriage.
My aim is exactly that, to build a friendship with a view to either stopping the divorce or re-marrying in the future. I hope that if we can be open and honest with each other as friends, then things could develop. I'm not sure if she wants to hear that although I mentioned it in a text that she didn't answer.
In the book it says not to pursue or need reassurances, but I feel if we set some guidelines to possibly working things out, this would be the only way forward. I just don't know how to move forward without a plan.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
