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My dog savaged my legs

He had rabies

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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JulieH Offline OP
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Didn't want to just not write anything. I will be mulling all the posts over.

Friday, pipe from under ground in boys room had leak so some flooding. Of course mold in wall that has to be addressed Asap. At same time son and I came down with nasty virus. I. COuld barely make it to kitchen to get water, he still has tons of energy.

Will respond when I can think better. Thanks all.


Me: 42
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Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
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Thanks Julie. Sorry to hear you're not feeling well. Hang in.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Wishing you a speedy recovery Julie. Your absence is always noticed. It's never the same when you aren't around. I love your intellect and self reflection, honesty and authenticity. Be well soon. Jellyxxx

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Julie, I hope you are feeling better. I am still angry. I notice lately that even when H does something positive, like call me, I am angry with him. (In my defense he really makes it easy.) But I am seeing that my anger could potentially be a stumbling block in our reconciliation.

Feel better.


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Hi, I'm really not feeling good, but running now on emotional energy and frusturation. My heart is racing.

Basically I had texted asking husband if he could help out this week with kids because I'm sick. He called me back and said he couldnt. And said he was going away for work trip Thursday and coming back Sunday. This was very suspicious to me, as its Valentine's Day weekend. He said he didn't even know it's Valentine's Day, that he just knows it's superbowl and that we had no plans on v day because we are separated.

Of course I brought Valentine's Day up, because I am not great at divorce busting and it sounds VERY SUSPICIOUS. He insisted its business. Never before has he ever travelled on weekends till he left so yes I am suspicious. He insists no other woman. I asked him about emotional affair. He said he wants no emotional connection with any woman. He said he didn't ask me about my mysterious weekend,that my car was there and that he won't ask about it.

(I just read txhubbys post about wanting space and being in denial. I would never think husband matched as a cheater, but no one else ever did. it would explain so much )

And then I said he's sending me mixed signals. And he started yelling about how I have nerve asking him about reconciliation when I took him to court. And just started yelling about how I have all these new coats and hes getting raped, and asking me what I need the money for. He started yelling at me for taking him to court. And was mad because he overpaid by 200 and had every right to not pay me full amount in next check, since I wanted everything done legally.

I told him he did not pay for 4 months and what he was buying kids came no where close to court mandated child support and why does he think he should be only man to not have to pay court mandated child support.

He kept insisting that I kicked him out that he didn't leave. That everyone he talks to thinks he is crazy for even considering reconciliation. I told him of course, they are only hearing his side of the story, he said he doesn't listen to other people like I did when I took him to court and that he know other people were telling me to take him to court. He was mad that I brougt my father to the court house with me and he knew I would do that so he brougt his mom. That I pushed him out and that I am verbally abusive. That throughout the entire relationship he did all the compromisimg.

I told him when I took him to court it was after he had told me he did not want reconciliation. He told me I was pushing for an answer like I am now. I told him that just as angry as he is about the money, I am angry about having to lose kids every other weekend. He said things were horrible for him or he wouldn't have made decision that would make it so he loses time with kids and money

He said that by the law he is entitled to more time with them and was upset that I wouldn't compromise with him in court room regarding prorating things like child cAre and other such expenses (I have not yet asked for a cent of that but will need to for camp ).

He was all over the place. Really angry. That he's not saying he wants divorce and he's not saying he wants reconciliation. Telling me he needs to talk to me in person about that and we need to go over advantages and disadvantages of each. (This part is reasonable to me). That If we go through with divorce he doesn't want surprises. He wants us to come up with agreement and then bring it to attorneys. He wants to avoid litigation because we have nothing, but his lawyer is prepared to fight back and that litigation will just make things nastier between us which is bad for kids. That if we work on weekends we have to make compromises (me working more to survive the area that we live in)

He is saying that I have made no actions regarding reconciliation...referring to working extra. I told him it sounds like he is saying have to go to work full time as an ultimatum. He says if I wanted reconciliation i wound not have taken him to court?????? I told him when I took him to court he had told me he wanted no reconciliation and at that point I was completely done. He was the one to bring up reconciliation with me.

Basically he was just super angry with me and yelling and frusturated. I was mostly quiet. I wasn't feeling well. I just listened and he yelled.

He even said how I thought counseling wasn't helpful but he did cause he was able communicate his feeling (he just yelled at me the whole time) he finished by saying that basically our conversation made him feel less confident that we can reconcile.

I just want to give up. At this point, I don't want to lose kids every other weekend and probably more and that is why I am hanging on. I am suspicious of cheating.

I am in decent position right now if it does come to litigation. Although I Think he is trying to build the "verbal abuse pushed me /kicked me out " BS probably to make a case. Either that, or he is in a weird denial.

I am fearful that with reconciliation course he is just trying to get me back to work full time so he doesn't have to worry about prorating legal feels or alimony. Then once I do he can file. (I actually talked to friends in business to get extra hours and my available times didn't work for them. In a way I am greatful) would love advise on this.


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So basically he wants to either negotiate a reconciliation which will most likely entail me returning to work more hours or figure out how to proceed with divorce. At least that is how I took it. Will find out more when we talk in person in a few weeks.

I would tell him, I would never proceed with divorce without attorney,

i took a bit of control back and said him lhaving to pay child support and both of us losing time with kids is the Downfall of a divorce. He agreed with that.

I said that he has a lot of anger he needs to get over. (I did not mention my anger)


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JulieH Offline OP
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You know what???

Husband started taking the strong offense against me, after I had questioned his business trip on Valentine's day weekend. He is coming home on Sunday. He said his company aquired another company so they are sending him away. He is not coming home till Sunday because he does not want to take red eye and there is a function.

And we all know why a strong offense is important right???

I am so tempted to confront right now, but I cannot because he is visiting family.


An affair is my boundary. I don't know what else this could be. I want to call and say

" I find it highly suspicious that you are going away on Valentine's day. I find it even more suspicious that when I brought this up you took an offensive position and started attacking me about taking you to court back in December. The only reason I can see you bringing this up to me again was to deflect from Valentine's Day weekend. I suspect that you are just trying to pretend to reconcile so you can get me to return to work full time. I am getting a lawyer".


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I just want to know the truth. I don't want to be in limbo.


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There is no way he'd be having this conversation if the idea of R wasn't in the picture. Did it sound like he enjoys this? He is in limbo too. The only reason he's dealing with it is because he hopes it improves. But if it doesn't I'm sure at some point he'll file, just like at some point he separated.

In your last posts I hear you talking about how he yelled. I haven't seen you write anything that shows that you really appreciate what he's saying. When someone says the same things, multiple times, in escalating tones...that's a sign they don't feel they're being heard. And it doesn't look like he is, because you continue to type your side of it and why you don't feel he's being reasonable or fair.

Then you go back to the giving up thing. Giving up won't lessen the pain from the loss of your marriage and it comes from the same place that he did when he walked, one of the things you are most upset with him for doing.

I know you have tried to understand his point of view. If you do intend to stand by your M I think you need to step up your validation game. It's not about psycho canned responses. It's about being able to articulate 'his side' as well as he can.

I remember I had an argument with XW once when we were recently separated. It was my ONLY argument post BD. Funny, this was during my high alert faze where I tape recorded a few of our interactions so I had it on my cell phone. I was mad at myself for failing to validate, so later I listened to it again. I wrote out her point of view and underlying concerns. Funny thing- once I wasn't in the heat of the moment I recognized great validity in everything she was saying, even if some of the details differed. It was eye opening. I later emailed her back saying "Finances, legal system, children...could it get any more intimidating? We weren't the best at communication during our R, now's a heck of a time to try to improve. Anyway, it couldn't have felt I heard anything you had to say, so let me tell you what I think your main points were." Then I bulleted them ALL out. I concluded by saying "While we may need to compromise here and there, I find that I agree with you 100% in all of your underlying concerns, and we'll keep them in the center of any decisions we make for our family."

I'm quoting something I posted earlier. Keep working JH. You will get there if you stay the course.

Quote:
I think you need to do both. Validate and boundary set/truth dart. They don't have to conflict.

The thing is, validation is all about acknowledging the other person's point of view. That is it. The challenge for LBS's is we really don't. But we expect them to understand and agree with ours. Seek not to be understood, but to understand. Someone has to step up and lead the way. And what I've learned is that when people feel understood and acknowledged, they feel so grateful and appreciative of that they want to reciprocate.

Take an exchange I had last week between me and my manager. Now, he is a great manager, and I am a great employee.


The background needed: I am a star employee that hit my goals in 2015 in year 1 on the team
The topic: Me being given a verbal warning for missing January goals

My manager and I had a scheduled 1:1. He spent most of the time working with me on my game plan, helping where he could, probing me and challenging my plans in certain areas, getting involved in a few spots to assist, and giving me feedback on what my plan was. This was all done in a respectful way. Then at the end he brought up the verbal warning.

He did it almost apologetically. He started by telling me he understood how things had played out. He acknowledged that I had gone through a lot in Nov/Dec with custody battles and divorce, and that he knew that impacted me. He also understood that the entire market was challenged during seasonality, and that being in a longer sales cycle that operates on pipeline, these factors created a storm in which poor results were hard to avoid.

Before he could even get to the part where he held me accountable for my actions, I objected. I told him that we all have personal lives, but that I was a professional, and I make no excuses for my management of my assignment. I told him that while business slowed down, I didn't do my part to anticipate the decrease in business and take enough proactive measures to offset the dip. I said I appreciated his consideration, but that I have a responsibility to my customers, my team, my company, and our shareholders, and I hold myself fully responsible for an unacceptable performance.

Funny, when you have a healthy debate both people end up saying what they think the other person should have said.

Suppose my boss had led by telling me that I had a responsibility to my team and company, that I should've been more proactive, that I am fully responsible for my performance...how do you think that would've flown? Most employees would've responded defensively (even though he's right) and even though I would've agreed, I would've left thinking he was a dick. Instead I am more appreciative of his leadership than ever and don't want to let him down.

So, flight...there's an example of how to validate and set boundaries. My boss has to deliver the verbal warning, he can't keep me on the team indefinitely if I don't perform, he can't allow me to spew excuses and keep missing targets...but the best way to get that is to validate all of the things that contributed to me being in that spot.

Same way, when a WAS is talking about why they left, or why they cheated...while that isn't appropriate behavior, if we go right to attacking and condemning the behavior and trying to show them why they're wrong and we're right, nothing good comes out of it. Their defenses flare up, and we only help them dig in their heels. But if we can validate all of the reasons WHY they felt they had to leave, while still maintaining our boundaries and beliefs...THAT is the balance we should look for.

As to when to do which, when to truth dart, when to validate, etc...that is more complicated. But I'll tell you this- truth darting should be done sparingly...and I don't think it should be done at all until there has been a foundation of serious validating. You have to establish in their minds that you know their mind, you know their feelings, and you care...then maybe they'll give some respect to what you say, even if they don't like it initially.

So truth darting has to follow validation. And in order to validate you have to see past your side of the debate. That's very, very hard for us LBS's when we're in so much pain. But it is critical and why I harp so hard on this topic.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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