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HI irish

Im so glad the girls are ok
Venting is very helpful and being validated
I remember talking many hours to my D about her pain
today she is amazing…
Im not sure what her M may look like but she is a confident young woman
MY son never spoke too much about it
he was 5..I don't think he remembers so much about XH
But I still believe that if a child has one sincere and caring adult whether mother, father or relative..it is enough
Wishing you the best!


married 14 years
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Irish, you are such an awesome dad!!! Every time I read about your talks and activities with your Ds it makes me cry. I'm so sorry they are hurting so much. Thank goodness they have you as their rock through all of this. They are so young and shouldn't have to be dealing with this kind of thing, bless them.

It is interesting what you say about your W having turned into her mum. I have been thinking the same about my H just lately, how he has 'reverted to type'. His parents have both been very cold and standoffish as parents and grandparents. They don't even visit our children on their birthdays and Christmas. Just not interested and have always cared more about their friends and drinking than their children and family. My H always hated how they were, yet now it seems he is doing exactly the same.

Hope you enjoy the safari drive, it sounds incredible! We have nothing like that here. Have fun!


M-43 H-42
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M-15 yrs
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Hi Irish, Just keep encouraging your daughters to talk about their feelings etc. And more than likely they will be fine. And what a great dad they have got in you!

I hope the things you have blocked out for now, you will someday be able to process & internalize the events in there true light.

And not like me (when I was very young) or my youngest D. Her Sitting on our sofa (Mon 26th Jan 04 when she came home from school) "It's not right, it's not right, I'm only 13" My youngest can't remember saying this. And for about a period of about 18 months or so from early summer 05 till spring 07. I had a very testing time with her to say the least. But she came thru it with just a few scars, and her & her sister's can always talk to me about anything.

So Keep on Keeping on.

GOD Bless You & Your Girls

Love

Delboy

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Irish,

Just catching up with your life. I am so sorry about the papers and your W's irrational behavior. Your daughters seem to be truly wise and secure in their relationship with you. This is a great foundation for dealing with the crazy. It isn't about you being a perfect parent but you are truly a "present" parent and that is priceless. Your willingness to be emotionally and physically present speaks volumes about your character and your love for your family.

As for a parent saying "they are done" I can tell you that is exactly what happened to my H. It will two years in June since he moved to another state and my girls haven't heard his voice in a year. H said their relationship was up to them yet he has yet to try to empathize or reach out. It is as if the man who coached their basketball team and went to every recital has disappeared. The only solace for me is some weird validation that if it were our marriage H would still be a father. The fact that he discarded all of us so completely is proof something is very broken inside of him.

Even though your W is not well you can't fix her. Sometimes the best thing you can do is honor your love for her by honoring your daughter's... Continue to care for them in the way your wife would have wanted before she lost herself. Try to focus on that and you will show your daughters what love really looks like.

Be good to yourself Irish. Hang in there.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
I do hope that your W will work through her childhood issues and will be able to repair her relationship with her daughters.


Hi Bright :-)
yes I too wish for this. I believe right now this is 90% of my pain. The girls losing their mom. The damage STBXW is doing to the girls. They are strong but this will follow them for a long time into their adulthood.
I don't like the thought that my D's will be telling future friends and relationships that magic phrase I hear some adults say.. " Oh... my mom? well I don't really see her. We are not close." It's sad.


Originally Posted By: peacetoday
But I still believe that if a child has one sincere and caring adult whether mother, father or relative..it is enough


Hi Peace :-) I agree. My STBXW had none. I'm sure MIL and FIL at the time did their best under the circumstances. Clearly it affected my STBXW deep down and she has to deal with it by herself today. Maybe her avoiding and abandoning the D's is her wayof protecting them from her chaos. I hope that is the reason, because if it's just to have fun, party and freedom. STBXW will have no place in my life as a friend and will have no sympathy for her choices.

Originally Posted By: Inpain
His parents have both been very cold and standoffish as parents and grandparents. They don't even visit our children on their birthdays and Christmas. Just not interested and have always cared more about their friends and drinking than their children and family. My H always hated how they were, yet now it seems he is doing exactly the same.


Hi Inpain :-)
My STBXW said the same. She had no warmth from her mom. She knew the kids were uncomfortable with her family. STBXW always said she felt more family on my side. Since BD the D's grandmother has abandoned them as well. Ever since she told the D's they were liars about what their mom did when they called her crying and scared. Grandmother never called them back, no email, no xmas card, no birthday card on D13's birthday. I mean STBXW has a reason, she was abducted by aliens ... but MIL wow. She just erased them completely. I even messaged MIL after a hip operation she had on Facebook. Didn't mention STBXW or the D's. Just wished her a good recovery. No reply of course. MIL is probably waiting for the D;s to reach our to her because they will miss her so much. Not. Sad for her but she's the adult. And I could one day forgive STBXW if she wakes up. MIL she will never have my forgiveness.

Originally Posted By: Delboy
I hope the things you have blocked out for now, you will someday be able to process & internalize the events in there true light.


Hi Delboy :-) I catch up and read some of your posts now and again on other posts. I want you to know that I draw strength from them. Don't worry i wont empty the tank.. I'll leave some for others in need of it

Yes about the things I blocked out. It is more the things I forgot because they were so unreal. I could never accept STBXW would do what she did and that is what I have a hard time to register. I'm sure if I read my first posts when it was fresh I would still say that it is impossible that STBXW did such things to me and my D's. These are all reminders that STBXW is not who I married and is not the same mother of my D's. Abduction, demonic possession, Manic, sick, MLC, what ever... It's not her.

Originally Posted By: 123Gwen
Even though your W is not well you can't fix her. Sometimes the best thing you can do is honor your love for her by honoring your daughter's... Continue to care for them in the way your wife would have wanted before she lost herself. Try to focus on that and you will show your daughters what love really looks like.


Hi Gwen :-)
well said. Yes i am continuing to love them and raise them as if STBXW was still here. I am not over spoiling them and showering them with additional love. We are an active family even before all this circus started. Zip lining, camping , museums, amusement parks, the beach, BBQ'S, trips, etc etc. Those things i will still do with them as long as they want to hang out with me lol. Also add new activities for new memories. My STBXW never planned any of this anyway so the D's now I'm not over doing it.

Originally Posted By: 123Gwen
H said their relationship was up to them yet he has yet to try to empathize or reach out

My STBXW says the same. Said that the D's need to respect her and reach out to her when they are ready. She is so out in left field on this. It will be 8 months this March. If it was me i'd of waited a week at most they did my utmost to get my D's in my life but I"m rational and caring , with empathy and feeling about what the D's are going through.


--------------------

I had to get something off my chest. It was eating at me ever since my lawyer asked me if the D's emailed STBXW bad messages and name calling to her. I talked about it here.. i talked to 2 of my supportive friends. It was still burning inside. So i message STBXW.

I wrote:
I cant understand that you would lie about what the D's write to you. You say you wrote 200 emails to them over the past 7 months. Where are they? please send them to me. Also the email replies you did get from them calling you every name in the book I would like to see those too.

Go ahead and put me under the bus and tell your new friends that i am the worst person on the planet and the cause of all your pain. I don't care. But to say that the reason you don't see or want the girls is because they disrespect you and call you names.. if unforgivable.

Please stop lying about the girls. It hurts them more than you can ever imagine. They have been hurt enough.
thanks Irish.

I didn't get a reply and I didn't want one. Did it have any effect on her. Who knows. I needed to pass that on to her. Personally. Not through the lawyer. It made me feel better and i had a great weekend because it was off my chest.


Hugs
Irish


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
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Hi Irish,

I think you worded your message to STBXW beautifully.

I was so sad to read about MIL's treatment of your girls. Such an awful thing to do to your own grandchildren! The more I read on these forums the more I sit in disbelief at the way some people treat others.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Thank goodness your girls have you. You're doing a great job with them!


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Irish,


You voiced the truth to W…and hopefully she can hear you
to avoid any more pain for the girls
I think they live in a thick fog of denial, but you never know when something may sink in..I do not think they like the truth..they would prefer sugar coating their behavior and choices…I personally think being authentic is better.

I was not very authentic with my xh..I played along for the first 2 years..
we became friendly but it was all fake and on his terms and about him
still in the end,,,he left to find himself,,not sure if he did
and as I look back his actual leaving was for the best-
and
I found myself


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Originally Posted By: inpain
I was so sad to read about MIL's treatment of your girls. Such an awful thing to do to your own grandchildren! The more I read on these forums the more I sit in disbelief at the way some people treat others.


Hi Inpain, thanks for the support on my sitch. I agree with you 100%. How can people treat others like this for their own selfish needs. I know my STBXW is not well and exMIL caused it with her own MLC. It's clear exMIL needs as much help with her own demons as does my STBXW. same DNA same pattern.

Originally Posted By: peacetoday
I was not very authentic with my xh..I played along for the first 2 years..
we became friendly but it was all fake and on his terms and about him
still in the end,,,he left to find himself,,not sure if he did
and as I look back his actual leaving was for the best-
and
I found myself


Hi Peace, I am finding myself too. I truly believe my STBXW`s MLC caused me to lose myself. It all started a year or more ago. I was lost. Stopped living my life. In a fog like zombie state. Now I see so many things so clearly about myself and my needs. My D`s are the same. We talk each night about our day and as time goes on there is no mention of STBXW. We are detached. It`s been only 7.5 months and I think we hit a low spot and miss her only when she does something to upset us. Not seeing her is so much healthier on us all. She needs to find herself. We know who we are.

---------------------------

It`s valentines day here tomorrow. I did celebrate it with STBXW each year and it was wonderful. A walk in the park, dinner for 2, wine and chocolate, either a visit to the spa or a weekend getaway.

I always thought of Valentines day as a commercial holiday more than a lovers day anyway. My future relationship it will be valentines day every day, just as it was with my STBXW. I NEVER needed a hallmark card to tell someone I love them. I`d send flowers to STBXW just to say hi, I love you and thinking of you.

Is it going to hurt tomorrow waking up alone. Not one bit. Because STBXW right now isn`t the person I`d want to wake up to anyway. I`ll make a huge pancake breakfast with the D`s and make it a netflix day.

Irish


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Irish


Hope you and the girls have fun today!


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I am with you Irish. It really is a hallmark holiday, puts so much pressure on people, and I am not just saying that because I am alone. However, I like to use the day as a reminder to let the people you love know it with a big hug or a special treat smile

Enjoy the day with your girls, it sounds like a wonderful plan!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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