I honestly dont know if she is drinking but she's well on her way.
She claims the reason she drank abusively was because of all the anger she had built up over a lifetime of chaos. Then she went to rehab and released the anger. Now that she is no longer angry, she claims she can drink and not drink abusively. Ummmm I call horsesh!t..
I agree that it seems like she wants to me sign off on her theory that she can drink now. She claims she drank for the 10 months we were dating but not living together and had no issues. That she had proven to herself that she was past her abusive drinking. More horsesh!t.
Because I havent given her the green light (like it's my job to approve anyway), she's picked fights to create distance in our relationship and ultimately left me. I think so she can drink and not have to worry about answering for it.
I havent handled our conflicts well the past 3-4 months but I always extended the olive branch and was willing to work hard to make things work. She wasn't. We attended couples therapy, I spilled my guts and did what the therapist asked of me. She seemed to hold back. Perhaps she was using the therapy as an excuse so when she decided to leave she could say she tried and she could then leave without feeling guilty.
I really feel taken advantage of. Hoodwinked. I worked really hard on myself in therapy when we were piecing. She secretly drank. Then she would visit me on the weekends and things were great! Looking for a house was exciting for us. I was very excited to begin the next chapter with her.
That all changed when we moved in. She almost immediately became confrontational. It really caught me off guard. I'm not saying Im easy to live with because Im not. But Im always willing to come to the table with compromises.
Anyways... today Im a little somber. I went to an al-anon meeting and met some great people. Ironically, al-anon preaches something similiar to DB. Focus on yourself, it's the only thing you have control of. Easier said than done when your life has been upended.
I keep catching myself wondering what she is thinking right now. We are NC since Monday night when she stopped by to grab some more clothes. Not a peep since.
I honestly dont know if she is drinking but she's well on her way.
Detach from her drinking. If you live with a compulsive you will know their compulsion is their choice they have no control and neither do you.
She claims the reason she drank abusively was because of all the anger she had built up over a lifetime of chaos. Then she went to rehab and released the anger. Now that she is no longer angry, she claims she can drink and not drink abusively. Ummmm I call horsesh!t..
So do I. It's her circus and her monkeys. Her decision to drink to excess.
I agree that it seems like she wants to me sign off on her theory that she can drink now. She claims she drank for the 10 months we were dating but not living together and had no issues. That she had proven to herself that she was past her abusive drinking. More horsesh!t.
Yes, but its still her choice. You have choices too. If and when she hits rock bottom then she may reach step 1, knowing she has no control over the alcohol in her life.
Because I havent given her the green light (like it's my job to approve anyway), she's picked fights to create distance in our relationship and ultimately left me. I think so she can drink and not have to worry about answering for it.
She is asking you to enable her. And is angry you won't.
I havent handled our conflicts well the past 3-4 months but I always extended the olive branch and was willing to work hard to make things work. She wasn't. We attended couples therapy, I spilled my guts and did what the therapist asked of me. She seemed to hold back.
Probably drinking and ashamed of it. It's still excellent work for you, I doubt this is insight you will ever regret.
Perhaps she was using the therapy as an excuse so when she decided to leave she could say she tried and she could then leave without feeling guilty.
I doubt it, but don't mind read. Addiction causes irrationality.
I really feel taken advantage of. Hoodwinked. I worked really hard on myself in therapy when we were piecing. She secretly drank. Then she would visit me on the weekends and things were great! Looking for a house was exciting for us. I was very excited to begin the next chapter with her.
You were hoodwinked by her addiction. My WH did this by gambling. This is the addiction and it's truly horrible. The addict is lost too and deep in the mire.
That all changed when we moved in. She almost immediately became confrontational. It really caught me off guard. I'm not saying Im easy to live with because Im not. But Im always willing to come to the table with compromises.
It is hard to hide addiction to substances living that close. Hence the agitation and aggression. This is nothing at all to do with you, nothing you did would have made any difference.
Anyways... today Im a little somber. I went to an al-anon meeting and met some great people. Ironically, al-anon preaches something similiar to DB. Focus on yourself, it's the only thing you have control of. Easier said than done when your life has been upended.
Yes, I see the two as working very well together.
I keep catching myself wondering what she is thinking right now. We are NC since Monday night when she stopped by to grab some more clothes. Not a peep since.
Loving an addict isn't easy, you can continue to love and you can accept the addiction itself is not your issue but the effects of it are. The most useful books I found were helping the addict you love by Weistrict and Intervention by Johnson (although rather old fashioned).
I miss being able to talk to her....
There is work to do. You can accept the addiction as fact too. Personally the lies were the worst for me. You can chose to live with an addict not in recovery if you can detach.
My prayers are with you, one day at a time.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
It will take 6 weeks of attending AlAnon before your confusion settles. The fellowship is worth the effort.
So well done for attending.
There will be others who live with an addict in addictive mode. It isn't for everyone.
Some survive through love alone caring for themselves whilst watching their addict repeatedly hit rock bottom. Learning when an intervention is needed.
It depends on the compulsion, some are more damaging than others. It also depends on the addict, angry addicts are harder to live with than depressed ones.
At the moment my concern is for you. When things are settled we can ask why you choose this path. There is something familiar about an R with the alcoholic.
Why alcoholic, why not say anorexic or gambler?
Why this style of addicted partner?
Are you a rescuer, a co-dependent maybe?
What can you do to change you?
If your gf gave up alcohol for good, would that be ok?
Would you wait for a relapse?
Is this your way to control?
As always you can say no thanks V, or not now.
I will not be offended.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Honestly I'm still feeling out of sorts by everything. With space, some things have become more clear. Some of the signs that this was coming were there, I just chose to deny them or hope them away.
I honestly don't think she was drinking while we lived in our house for the last 6 months. We were together almost all the time but I could be wrong.
What I did notice was her irritability. With me, with the kids, with her job. It was a big difference to when we were living apart. Also, her sex drive all but completely vanished and she was MUCH less affectionate with hugs and kisses.
I agree, that she feels resentment for me that I do not enable her drinking. She would tell that she can now drink responsibly because her anger has dissipated. If I didn't simply agree with her and say I didn't think she had a problem anymore, she would accuse me of calling her a liar.
In response to her irritability, I did not handle it well and would fight with her. I felt tricked by her. Like she pretended to be nice to me so I could buy her a home and then once we were settled, she could be a jerk because we were now locked into a mortgage.
Her mother is also an issue. WAW is very close to her mom, I suspect codependent. She lives 5 minutes away, and always moves very close to us. WAW talks to her all day on the phone while at work, and then texts with her all night after she gets home.
I've never trusted her mom, she thinks I stole her daughter from her. It's almost like they are sisters. In an ideal world, her mother would love for WAW to live with her forever, with no outside relationships and raise WAW's daughter together. Everyone in the family suspects her mother is borderline personality disordered. Very sudden and frequent mood changes. Passive aggressive and quick to initiate the silent treatment and victim mentality.
It's ironic that every time WAW has initiated a break up or desire to spend time apart, it's come after spending the day with her mother.
I'm feeling a bit down today. I decided to spend the day at my folks house. The quiet at my house has really been getting to me along with the memories of WAW.
Still no contact and I suspect it will remain that way for some time.
Is her drinking or not a deal breaker in your marriage? If she told you she'd remain married if you got off her back about the alcohol, what would you say? Did this conversation ever take place? At any point during your piecing did you know she was drinking, or only after BD2?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Fmum is a really big one. I recommend you stick to the behaviour and not label Fmum condition, unless she has been diagnosed safe not to.
Clearly you have identified controlling behaviour, leading to obvious FOO issues for your F.
If your stance is no drinking, and that too is controlling. The better is a boundary around drinking.
Be prepared to state that boundary.
Also validation, " I can see why you believe that you can drink again. I also can see why having been to counselling that you have dealt with your anger on your issues. From my perspective that is not what I see or feel. I think there are still anger issues and I feel you have not addressed all of these so drinking is inappropriate. So whilst I can not stop you drinking I am not prepared to..... whilst you do so"
My thoughts
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
We've never had that convo but she knows her drinking was very painful for me. I'm sure she would feel extreme guilt about drinking around me. That's why I think she wants to get away from me, so she can drink in her own apartment after work to unwind and not have to worry about me and how I feel about it.
I will not enable her, I just won't do it.
I was not aware that she drank until after we had bought a house and lived together for 6 months. She dropped that bomb on me in an argument. She said she hadn't had a drink since we moved in but was drinking while living apart and house hunting.
She claims that drinking has nothing to do with why she left me. She said we fought too much and the damage was done. I think we fought too much because of the dynamic change in our relationship due to her not being able to drink.
I remember calling my mom about a month after we moved in together and told her it was weird that WAW's attitude changed as soon as we moved in. She had a "I'm not going to take sh!t from anybody" attitude. Which was very different from her attitude when we lived apart. She was attentive and willing to work on things to better the relationship. I thought we were doing great.
I think while living apart, she had the best of both worlds. An attentive boyfriend she got to visit with on weekends and a nice quiet place during the week to drink after a long day at work while not having to worry about disappointing anyone.
I ultimately failed because as her attitude got worse, so did mine. She would yell and I said screw it and yelled back. Totally not DB. But then I would snap back to reality and make an effort to do things differently. She seemed to hold on to the hurts and let them accumulate.
